I want to hide myself,
or hide from myself.
And so, I wear a mask,
or masks,
to distract myself, and everyone else,
from what’s underneath.
I wish I could wear masks
made of beautiful gemstones.
Shiny yellows and reds and blues,
diamonds and silver and gold.
But most of my masks are only a smile or a laugh,
or indifference,
to hide the feelings
I can’t tolerate.
My masks look like me,
or so I’m told.
I don’t recognize myself
when I wear them.
When I see myself without a mask
I feel fragile,
and the masks protect me,
and strengthen me.
But maybe the masks are true just for me
and everyone else can see
the broken places in me,
and the scars,
and the open wounds.
I am afraid to find out
that people see me as I am,
despite the masks,
and they still don’t care,
or even notice,
and they simply continue to walk away from me.
Maybe all of the masks aren’t there to hide me
but to get attention,
so that someone will stop,
and see me.
But the masks never stay on long enough.
They fall and explode
like shattering glass.
I’m afraid that I will discover that the masks
are all that are left of me,
and underneath there is only
a storm of feelings I can’t control.
Maybe there is no real me without my colorful masks.
המסכוֹת הצבעוֹניוֹת
אַנִי רוֹצָה לְהַסתִיר אֶת עַצמִי
אוֹ לְהַסתִיר מְעַצמִי,
וְאַז אַנִי לוֹבֶשֶׁת מַסֵכָה,
אוֹ מַסֵכוֹת,
לְהַסִיחַ אֶת דַעַתִי, וְאֶת כֹּל הַשַׁאַר,
מִמָה שְׁמִתַחַת.
הָלְוַואי שְׁיָכוֹלתִי לִלבּוֹשׁ מַסֵכוֹת
מֵאָבנֵי חֵן יָפוֹת,
צְהוּבּוֹת וְאָדוּמוֹת וְכְּחוּלוֹת מָבְרִיקוֹת,
יְהָלוֹמִים וְכֶּסֶף וְזָהָב.
אַבַל רוֹב הָמַסֵכוֹת שֶׁלִי הֵן רַק חִיוּך אוֹ צְחוֹק,
אוֹ אָדִישׁוּת,
לְהָסתִיר לִי אֶת הַרְגָשׁוֹת
שְׁאַנִי לֹא יְכוֹלָה לִסְבּוֹל.
הָמַסֵכוֹת שֶׁלִי נִראוֹת כָּמוֹנִי,
אוֹ כַּךְ, לְפָחוֹת, אָמרוּ לִי.
אַנִי לֹא מְזָהָה אֶת עָצמִי
כְּשְׁאַנִי לוֹבֶשֶׁת אוֹתָן.
כְּשְׁאַנִי רוֹאָה אֶת עַצמִי בְּלִי מַסֵכָה,
אַנִי מָרגִישָׁה שַׁבִיר,
וְהַמַסֵכוֹת מַגִינוֹת אוֹתִי,
וְמָחְזִיקוֹת אוֹתִי.
אַבַל, אוּלַי הַמַסֵכוֹת הֵן אַמִיתִיוֹת רַק לִי,
וְכֹּל הַשַׁאַר יְכוֹלִים לִראוֹת
אֶת הַמְקוֹמוֹת הַשׁבוּרִים שֶׁלִי,
וְהַצַלַקוֹת,
וְהַפְּצַעִים הַפְּתוּחִים.
אַנִי מְפַחֶדֶת לְגָלוֹת
שְׁאַנַשִׁים רוֹאִים אֶת הַאַנִי הַאַמִיתִי
לַמְרוֹת הַמַסֵכוֹת שֶׁלִי,
וְעַדַיִין לֹא אֶכְפַּת לָהֶם,
אוֹ אַפִילוּ לָשִׂים לֵב,
וְהֵם פַּשׁוּט מָמְשִׁיכִים לְהִתְרַחֵק מִמֶנִי.
אוּלַי הַמַסֵכוֹת הֵן שַׁם לֹא כְּדֵי לְהַסתִיר אוֹתִי,
אֶלַא כְּדֵי לִמְשׁוֹך תשׂוֹמֶת לֵב.
כְּדֵי שְׁמִישְׁהוּ יַעַצוֹר
וְיִראֶה אוֹתִי.
אַבַל הַמַסֵכוֹת אַף פַּעַם לֹא נִשְׁאַרוֹת מַספִּיק זמַן.
הֵם נוֹפלִים וְמִתְפּוֹצְצִים
כְּמוֹ זכוּכִית שְׁמִתְנַפֶּצֶת.
אַנִי מְפַחֶדֶת שְׁאַנִי אֶגָלֶה שְׁהַמַסֵכוֹת
הֵן כֹּל מָה שְׁנִשׁאַר מִמֶנִי,
וְמִתַחַת יֵשׁ רַק סְעַרָת רְגָשׁוֹת שְׁאַנִי לֹא יְכוֹלָה לִשְׁלוֹט בָּה.
אוּלַי אֵין אַנִי אָמִיתִי, בְּלִי הַמַסֵכוֹת הַצִבְעוֹנִיוֹת שֶׁלִי.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
We wear our masks to protect us during our never-ending journey of self-discovery. May your masks be as colorful as you imagine and wish.
Thank you!!!!
Rachel
I so much want you to know how what a special person you are, how beautifully you write. I first started reading your blog when you responded to one I had written about my own dogs (Dandie Dinmonts, not the same but with similarities, and equally loved by me.) That was a very long time ago and I have continued to read you every weekend. I have also bought and read Yeshiva Girl which I found most moving and interesting – to my shame I failed to write a review at the time then lost the link to do so as a confirmed reader.
However I would not have continued to read your blog after so many years if I did not feel that you had something really special. As a writer myself, but having been so far as fortunate in my life as you have been unfortunate, despite your many skills, I know how even so a writer’s life can have so many highs and lows – even today when someone who usually enjoys my books told me that he had not enjoyed the most recent one and struggled to finish it, I was saddened, particularly as I knew that he had a point.
I do so much wish that despite the challenges involved you would get yourself a new dog. They can offer so much, as you well know. And if you can supply me with a suitable link I will belatedly review Yeshiva Girl.
With best wishes and hoping that you will realise how someone on the other side of the world can appreciate your work and your love for your dogs and your mother does show what an important, worthwhile person you are. Don’t hide behind your masks but know that you are someone with so much to offer to the world.
Meriel
Thank you so much!
The words from Colorful Masks reached into my heart like a relentless
hand allowing me to share your agony. I ‘m honored for being allowed a short peek into your world. I think all of us wear masks at some time or another. You’re one of the few willing to acknowledge it.
Claude
Thank you!
Here’s a thought about Masks Look up Iroquois False Face Society and see what you think. Maybe something to develop further for Colorful Mask?
Claude
Will do. Thank you!
What we see here seems real. And yes, we notice.
Thank you!
😊
Dear Rachel – from your poem I distilled these thoughts to offer you:
To hide myself from others I wear masks.
To distract myself from the pain underneath, I agonize over my masks.
Inside, I pray for acceptance and inclusion.
I so admire your perseverance in the minefield of mental and physical health concerns. Know you are loved and admired. Lindy, Max & Daisy 🐾🐾
Thank you!
Rachel, I agree with what every other commenter says about how very much you have to offer and how you don’t need masks, just be confident being Rachel. But I want to concentrate on the brilliance, the beauty, and the humanity in this poem. I think everyone can see something of themselves in your poem, but we couldn’t have expressed it so beautifully or so powerfully. You have talent, girl!
Thank you so much!
All of us wear masks, at least sometimes, but we all don’t write such wonderful poems.
Thank you so much!
I have a few masks. Understood Rachel.
Thank you!
🤍
brilliant and touching poem ❤️
Thank you!
I only have one mask, and that’s Resting Bitch Face! It stops people coming close enough to see what’s underneath. Your poem is brave and powerful.
I had a a few years where that was the only mask I could wear; my face was allergic to all others.
You have revealed yourself in a beautiful, touching poem. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much!
Thank you for this lovely poem. It sums up my life perfectly- a life I didn’t understand until I learned about HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). Discovering and learning about this neurobehavioral condition has helped me find a little balance and even some peace on occasion. Those that don’t get it will never get it, but those of us who try desperately to fit in and never quite make it there know exactly of what you speak.
Thank you!
Poignant. Of course, we all wear masks to hide our brokenness. Who we “really” are is not so much hidden by our masks, as reflected by the masks we choose. ❤
I love that!
Thought provoking and beautifully written.
Thank you so much!
Beautiful!!
Thank you!
Masks. Everyone wears them, lifts them occasionally and rearranges them or chooses a different one depending on the audience. Sometimes it’s self protection and sometimes it’s manners.
Absolutely.
This spoke to me, Rachel. I wear many masks, too. Sometimes I catch sight of the real person when I see myself in a mirror.
So interesting! Thank you!
I absolutely adore this piece and have saved it to my collection. Thank you for sharing. I am also an occasional poet and have written about masks a few times. I feel that everyone is wearing a mask. We are rarely our true selves except when alone and rarely share that self.
Please keep sharing.
Thank you so much!
Thought provoking and deeply moving. You are a talented writer. Isn’t it wonderful that no matter how people see the masks we wear, God looks inside to what’s in our hearts and gives us His love, forgiveness and grace. God bless you.
Thank you!