I want to thank all of you for your wonderful words of kindness and support since Butterfly’s death. It feels like you came to virtually sit Shiva with me this week, to mourn for the loss of Butterfly, and to celebrate her life. My rabbi even dedicated a poem to Butterfly at Friday night services, two days after she died, about the sacred nature of animals and our great good fortune at having them in our lives.
I wasn’t sure, when we first adopted Butterfly, as an eight year old rescue with heart problems, if I would be able to bond with her, or if I was just going to take care of her in her old age and learn generosity of spirit. But she became my baby, my heart and soul, my inspiration to become a better person, and a person more capable of joy.
I still have an essay about Butterfly’s last illness, and the roller coaster of doctor visits and hospital stays, but I haven’t been up to editing it yet. The first draft was written before she died, when I expected her to recover, and figuring out how it needs to change, now, has been too hard.
Cricket has shifted in some essential way, internally, as if she needed to make room for part of her sister’s soul. She snuggles with me more than ever before. She eats enough kibble to rival her sister’s moniker of the super pooper. Just this morning, Cricket left two pieces of kibble of the rug again, right where Butterfly would have put them. She’s even giving licks, on occasion. And a brown and yellow tortoise shell butterfly has taken up residence in our bathroom, one of Butterfly’s favorite places to hang out, do her bathmat art, and find peace. Mom set out a cap full of water and a piece of kibble, just in case.
I don’t usually, or ever, advertise products or companies on my blog, and that’s not my intention now, but I have to tell you a story. The day after Butterfly died, a bag of her diabetic dog food arrived from Chewy.com. We had a regular order with them, every few months, and it was already on its way when Butterfly died. Mom wrote to them right away to cancel future orders, and explained why, and they immediately sent us a condolence note and refunded the cost of the last bag of food, telling us to donate it to a local animal shelter.
A week later, we received a bouquet of red and white roses from Chewy.com, and Butterfly’s ashes from the clinic, on the same day, at the same time. I had forgotten about the ashes. Mom couldn’t even open the shipping box through her tears, so I put on my bravado and opened the box, removed the paperwork, and then the paper bag with the order form stapled to the front. The process became harder with each step. There was a white box inside of the paper bag, and then gold tissue paper wrapped around a decorative tin with flowers painted on all four sides. This was the end, inside of the tin were the ashes. The decorated tin reminded me of a jigsaw puzzle I once had, stored in a similarly decorated metal tin.
I was overcome by the reality of Butterfly’s ashes, devastated by it, really. We’d never asked for ashes of a pet, or a person, before. It seemed right on the day she died, when the clinic offered us that option, but seeing that tin made me feel sick, and overwhelmed. I didn’t want to scatter her ashes in the backyard, the way we’d originally planned. The idea of it turned bitter in my mind as soon as I saw the tin, as if we would be throwing Butterfly away.
The only comforting thought I could muster at the time was to bring her to my grandfather’s grave, and let her rest there with him. Because they would have loved each other.
We still need to put the bag of dog food in the car and schlep it over to the shelter – which will be hard. And then make the journey to my grandfather’s grave as well, which, for now, feels impossible. The ashes sit behind Butterfly’s picture, which is surrounded by condolence cards, and those red and white roses. And this is where they belong, for now.
rachelmankowitz 
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
❤
❤
I’m so very sorry for your loss of Butterfly, and for your and your mother’s heartache.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a family member is never easy. Grace and peace to you.
Thank you.
I have 5 boxes of ashes in my dresser. They go back years. Perhaps I should plant a tree, and give them a place there to help it grow.
Wow. That’s a beautiful idea.
Thank you so much, Rachel, for sharing Butterfly and Cricket with all of us.
Thank you for being here.
It is as though the universe has opened to pour out an abundance of love… my border collie Savannah’s ashes went in her favorite swimming creek, but my Murphy I still have in his dignified carved maple box. Can’t quite set him free.
I totally understand.
I know what you are going through Rachel, receiving the ashes. When we had to have our last dog euthanased due to complete lack of diagnosis and only a scant look at Ralph’s lump and the comment that “better left alone because all “old” dogs get lumps anyway” by an incompetent vet, I just could not face Ralph’s ashes. I took one of our other dogs on the lead for a very long walk, hoping I would miss out on the dreaded visit by the person delivering Ralphs ashes. Priscilla enjoyed her extra long walk along a quiet country road that day, even though she is blind. The thought of Ralph’s ashes coming home again just choked me up in a very big way. I also have problems with leaving ashes behind as we have moved so much in our life together. We keep them all behind a photograph of each departed pet and will ask to have all our ashes combined and scattered into the ocean when the end of our lives occur. I have requested this in my last will and testament.
Crying as I write this …what a beautiful series of miracles to show you that butterfly’s spirit lives on and is still very much with you.
Thank you.
You made Butterfly very real and present to all of us in your essays. Thank you for sharing the loss, too…
Thank you for being here with me.
The kindness of the Chewy.com staff warms my heart. They are clearly true animal people who understand the intense pain of your loss. *hugs*
My heart absolutely is breaking for you! I think you shared the love of your dogs so much with everyone! It is that love that lives on in everyone you shared. Know that so many smiled and were so happy with your great posts. We are all saddened by the news.
Thank you.
That Is so incrediblely kind of Chewy.com. Real human beings, I’m very touch and very impressed as well!
Me too.
Reading your stories helps me to prepare mentally, as much as i can, for when I have to say goodbye to my boy. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading.
This is the first I’ve heard of Butterfly’s passing, so I’ve been getting caught up. I’m incredibly sorry to hear of her death, and I send you many many virtual hugs to everyone.
Thank you.
We didn’t get Kyla’s ashes. It wouldn’t have brought her back. We did ask how much it would cost, took that money and donated it to the local no-kill shelter.
That’s a lovely idea.
Giving you a hug. I wish I could make this easier for you and your mom. You both are in my prayers.
Thank you.
I am so very sorry for your loss, and know that saying goodbye to Butterfly is so hard. The only bad thing about dogs is that their life span is too short, so that those of us who love them have to grieve too often. My prayers are with you in this difficult time, and I honestly believe that a part of Butterfly will be with you, always.
Thank you. I hope so.
Very touching. A poignant surprise to learn of the kindness of the makers of Butterfly’s chews. For what it is worth, here what we do with the remains of the Rescues depends on the individual. Of those who are cremated: some have their ashes placed on their favourite spot on the sanctuary grounds. Others are placed in a columbarium. Still others rest in a special “place of heroes” inside the main house with a small 5 x 7 portrait picture taken during their time with us. Sometimes we put part of someone’s ashes by a favourite spot outside and keep the rest in the place of heroes. It just varies: what seems fitting for one does not seem right for another. Having Butterfly where she is now seems lovely and appropriate…. Thank you for sharing. Continued blessings.
Thank you. I love that each dog is remembered in his or her own way.
This is a beautiful and touching story. I so understand your grief and wish you healing in the days and weeks ahead. It sounds like it will be hard, but that everyone including Cricket is in on the process. God be with you all.
Thank you. Cricket is doing her best to help us through this.
Butterfly is making heaven even greater. I am so very sorry for your great loss xxx
Thank you, and thank you.
Butterfly was loved by so many – even strangers across the globe. I hope it comforts you to think that you, your mom, and Cricket gave her the best years of her life. Sending hugs and love…
Thank you. I love that she was able to reach so many people.
So sorry,my friend,I know this bitter,bitter feeling,I can never find logic why I suffer so much when this moment arrives …
Thank you.
I have only been reading about Butterfly for a while, but I am so touched by her death. Thinkin go of you, your mum and Cricket.
Thank you.
We have had the ashes from many of our rescues delivered over time and it has always carried both a sense of finality and a blessing that our beloved friend is home again. We kept their ashes sometimes for years and sometimes only for months. It felt good to have them in our home while we were coming to terms with our loss. At some point we could feel when their spirit wanted to move on and they showed us the place where they wanted their ashes to be scattered. It was always in nature, on their favourite walk and whenever we walk there we see their happy faces in the clouds and feel their presence. Give yourself all the time you need with her ashes, it is all part of the healing process 💜 xxx
Thank you. It’s reassuring to know that I have time to find the right answer for Miss B.
I’m not very active in the blogging community anymore and am just getting back into writing, but I saw this post and am sat here in tears. I’m so sorry for your loss. Butterfly was an absolutely wonderful dog who was very lucky to have a mum who loved her so much. Sending you much love from our house to yours.
Thank you very much.
I didn’t realize you had adopted Butterfly as an older dog. God bless you for that. Our Spunky was 10 when we adopted him, and we had him for less than a year, but I would do it again. We have Tabby and Spunky’s ashes in nice wooden boxes in our living room. A solar light with a frog, which we never got around to putting out in our garden, was sitting near Tabby’s box when we first put it there. When Steven turned off the lights to go to bed that night the solar light was lit. We found that very comforting.
Wow, that sounds beautiful!
I remember when I picked up the ashes of my Sammy- I could not even open the mailing box they had come in. It took quite some time until I was ready to accept and deal with the loss. I love the photo of Butterfly with the roses and cards, I hope having that special place to look at brings you some peace. It is heartwarming to read of the sensitivity the dog food company showed to you- I also donated the coats with our Sammy’s and Max’s names on them, many blankets and toys to the local shelter, but ran in and ran out in tears. I so feel for you at this time and can only send a hug and tell you I understand.
Thank you. Every time I look up at Miss Butterfly’s picture I feel a little bit better.
No words. Just sharing tears with you.
Thank you.
Rachel, you and your mom and Cricket have been in my thoughts these past days. Thank you for sharing about Chewy, it’s good to know there is a company out there that is so thoughtful and caring. I think you may find Cricket may start to show some traits of Butterfly. My Tony loved to rub his head up into my armpit. He was very bonded with Milk who now over a year later is doing the same. She never did it before and it was one of the things about Tony I really missed. My accupuncturist told me there is a point for the heat in that spot.
Wow. Just wow.
The love never stops Rachel. They are always with you.
♥ I still keep the ashes of my Mille in a box. Some of it we gave to the waves right where he always loved to stand all summer, chasing bubbles in the water. Totti, our remaining dog, has always been very different from Mille, and hasn’t changed.♥
My heart aches for you. It’s a beautiful thought to plant a tree by the ashes of Butterfly in a way she would live forever.
Thank you.
I carried Red’s ashes back from South Korea in my backpack, Rachel. They wouldn’t allow them in the hold and I became more distraught with each customs check. She is in her Celadon vase, with a little pottery cairn terrier sitting on the top, with me until her sister Pepper passes. Im hoping this will be at least another 10 years or so.
Its sad when your fur babies pass, but it’s worse when they are young. I still feel like I have been robbed of my wonderful girl.
I hope Butterfly gets to meet with her in the big blue sky. ✨
That’s a beautiful idea. Thank you.
❤️
We have Diggy and tbo’s ashes on the piano beneath their photos. We leave a night light on in the kitchen where there’s a huge framed shot of them. It’s been 3 years and 1.5 years since they left and yet they are so very present. Wishing you peace that you so deserve for all the love you give.
Thank you!
How thoughtful of your rabbi to dedicate a poem to Butterfly and chewy.com for sending those flowers and giving you a refund. And what a beautiful butterfly. I’m so glad Butterfly found you and had such a great life full of love and quality care. Hugs to all of you, A.
Thank you. I feel so grateful for all of the love sent our way this week.
Over the years I have lost dogs and cats and I still think of them. Your words bring them back to me and make fresh tears well up in my eyes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It sounds like your Healy no process has begun. Have you considered keeping the ashes i your home? I struggled when I had to put my precious boy Bailey down 8 years ago. I like you elected to have his ashes sent to me. I received them from in a beautiful small wooden box with a smoked glass cover with his name engraved on it. I’ve had them on my nightstand ever since. In some ways it is a little weird but in another way it is mostly comforting and I’m glad I made that choice. Take care.
Thank you. You take care too.
You have such lovely memories of Butterfly, many of which you have shared with your readers. I feel your loss so much because of it.
We were not ready to lose Barney, and thus not prepared. We didn’t have his ashes though. Instead, we had a picture I’d taken done on canvas (it’s the one I use in my posts sometimes) and I cried when we collected it. When I touched it, I expected him to turn his head and lick my hand. They leave such a hole.
Hugs to Cricket. She’s grieving in her own way, bless her. ❤
Thank you. I have the same feeling, as if Butterfly is going to walk out of her picture and ask for treats.
I know Rachel, I know.
Sending more hugs to you, your mom and Cricket. Peace & blessings ✌️🙏❤️🦋
Thank you.
Sending good thoughts your way. Your writing is so heartfelt and honest and helps those of us who also have lost or will lose our wonderful dogs and cats (and other creatures).
Thank you so much!
So sorry to hear this. Hope you’re doing okay. Can’t imagine how it feels. Our girls are still so young.
Thank you.
So many people understand this loss you are not alone. I just lost my guy a while back and he was an amazing dog I got a necklace with his ashes in it and I wear it everywhere. I think of it as taking him with me wherever I go. I hope you begin to heal ❤
Thank you.
I have a wooden box of one of my dog’s ashes the for some reason I keep bringing with me wherever I move. He never got scattered at my last house and now he sits guard at the front of this condo like he would have if he was here. I suppose he’ll move with me again when I go. maybe someday it will feel right to release him somewhere, but so far, he’s still with me making sure I’m safe. ❤ Best love to you all.
That’s beautiful. Thank you.
That was nice your rabbi read a poem in honor of Butterfly. Let me tell you something I learned from a friend of mine. She once told me the butterfly will hold a bond for your loved one or pet when they pass away. The fact the dog was named Butterfly is even better because most likely hold a stronger bond. When my cat died I put a solar butterfly at her grave site it helps. Once again sorry about Butterfly.
Thank you.
Your Welcome
Lexi’s ashes will go in with mine when I die. Give it time, Rachel. There is no right or wrong thing, and there is no hurry.
Thank you. It’s hard to be patient with myself right now, but I’m trying.
Pingback: Sweet & Sour (summer beverages & other life moments) | 10 Legs in the Kitchen
Things happen for a reason. I like to think the kindness of others was sent in the roses on the day you received her ashes was His way to comfort you. Love and hugs.
Thank you.
We have bought a small urn for the ashes of each of our dogs when they’ve died. Each one different. If/when we buy a cemetery plot, we will arrange to have their ashes buried there, too. We have cherished them and their memories over the past 25 years. Tears for our loss and joy in our memories.
That’s beautiful. Thank you.