Loneliness is a lifelong state of being for me. I was a lonely child, because I couldn’t share my world with anyone. I loved my big brother, but there were so many things he refused to hear, refused to say, refused to see. I loved my best friend, but she didn’t love me back. She tolerated me, she accepted my presence, but she didn’t understand me and didn’t want to. I thought that was my fault, by the way, because I wasn’t rich enough or pretty enough or clever enough, but, and this is something I’ve only recently figured out, it wasn’t about me; which doesn’t solve anything, or heal anything, for either of us, but it’s true.
I loved my parents, but my mom was deep underwater, in an abusive marriage. And my father. Well. His idea of love was loyalty and control in only one direction. He was a bruised and broken child himself, who never healed, or ever tried to.
I lived in this kaleidoscope of broken people, always moving around each other, never fitting together into a whole. And at school, even though the other kids didn’t know any of this, they knew. They knew that I bothered them, upset them, and scared them, just for being me: for being nice to people who hurt me; for helping people who looked down on me; for showing everything on my face that they were able to hide and thought should be hidden.
I learned, over time, how to act like I was normal, or something like it. But there was still something too honest about me, and it hurt people to look at me, and so they hurt me, as if I’d done it on purpose; as if my sadness was an attack on their otherwise peaceful lives.
I’ve worked hard to make connections with people, and to chisel away at the loneliness, but it is still there, and still informs everything I do. It makes me more desperate to have my say and to be heard; and it makes me more sensitive to the pain of others; and it makes me more frightened, of everyone, because I know how badly they can hurt me.
In a way, isolation has been my way to protect myself from having to feel too much of the loneliness at once, because the feeling is most profound when I am closest to other people.
I don’t know if any of this is true for other people, or for what percentage of other people. I know that some people use their loneliness to excuse acts of emotional and physical violence against others. I know that some people use loneliness to spur active and crowded lives. But most people don’t talk about their loneliness in public. Most people act as if they are fine; and even if I can imagine that there’s something behind the mask, I can’t presume to know what that is, and so my loneliness persists.
Loneliness is probably the echo underneath everything I write and everything I do – and it hurts, a lot. It doesn’t resolve. It doesn’t dissolve. It doesn’t disappear. There are other feelings that persist from my childhood, like shame and fear and guilt and physical pain, but loneliness is the most pervasive; it’s the one that follows me everywhere I go, even when I am otherwise happy and well.
I don’t know why I wanted to write about this. Maybe because I’m starting to wonder if the loneliness will ever recede; and to wonder if I’m perpetuating the loneliness, even causing it, without any idea of how to stop.
We have these ideas about healing – that it can be fast, and complete, and willed into fruition – but none of that tracks with my experience. Some wounds don’t heal, or fade, and sometimes we have to accept that our lives will always hold the shape of that pain.
I haven’t reached that level of acceptance, though. I still want the fairytale, with the happily ever after ending. I want, most of all, to be whole.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
❤
Sometimes when I read your blog I really wish I actually knew ya. Some of your posts like this one are heartbreaking. I’d be that ear for ya. I hope you manage to get through it Rachel. 🙏
Thank you so much!
No problem Rachel. Just offering the ❤🕉️
Isolation, and self-isolation, is certainly a coping mechanism, and even a safety technique, for me, too, Rachel.
And
” I bothered them, upset them, and scared them, just for being me: for being nice to people who hurt me; for helping people who looked down on me; for showing everything on my face that they were able to hide”
Likewise.
Be safe, Rachel, and take care of yourself,
-Shira
Thank you! You too!!!
Thanks, Rachel:
Safe Air Hugs, if wanted at this moment,
-Shira
Very much! Thank you!
🙂
You are most welcome, Rachel!
You’re such a strong person for getting through it. I admire you.
Thank you so much!
Oy. It hurts. Good for you for expressing it, and for continuing to try to heal.
Thank you!!!
Wishing you peace, a path through pain, and more happiness than you imagine possible. Blessings. KC
Thank you! Blessings to you too!
There is a lot of this I could raise my hand and say ‘me too’. It takes a brave and strong, person to be so brutally honest.
Thank you so much!
You’re very welcome.
This breaks my heart, Rachel. People talk about the difference of being lonely or being alone. So maybe I just answered my own question–you have all of us here, so I hope you know you are not alone. But lonely…that’s a tough one. I wish I could help. Hugs from me. ❤
I love the hugs! Thank you!
This is something I relate to A LOT. Once again, your openness on these important and oftentimes societally taboo topics is much, much appreciated.
I’m so glad it’s helpful; it helps me to “say it out loud.”
Rachel, you are amazing. Despite the pain, you touch so many hearts every week through your blog, and you have written that wonderful book. I send you hugs and prayers. I hope you will some day find the peace you deserve.
Thank you so much!
This is very moving. What a courageous post. I’m sure a lot of people feel like this and they feel understood and less alone when they read about your experience.
And I agree with you …. At best healing is slow, and sometimes it is more a case of coming to terms with what happened to us rather than experiencing complete healing. We integrate our experience – but may always walk with a bit of a limp. So, it’s an improvement – it makes life so much better – but it is not a total cure. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself, and your experience, here.
Thank you so much! It’s so satisfying to get responses like this!
Oh, Rachel, you are so astute. I wish I could help you from way over here, the other side of a vast continent. You write so well. For me, having a blog has helped with my abiding loneliness.
It helps me too! I don’t know what I would do without the blog and such wonderful people reading and responding and creating an incredible feeling of community.
I was adopted and also grew up in a very abusive home. My adoptive father was like your father. Including the childhood wounds, abuses and belief that love meant power, control, blind trust and loyalty.
I always felt like I was on the outside looking in at other families and their lives and happiness. Always wishing my birth mother would come back to rescue me. Once, I even packed everything I owned on my doll carriage and wanted to look for her. I’ve been able to forgive him and found peace after he passed. But, it was a long, challenging process. I’m so sorry for everything that you and your mom have been through. Sending hugs and love to both of you!♥️
Thank you so much! The image of a little girl packing her doll carriage…so powerful.
You’re welcome! ♥️
Hard to read, Rachel, and to not be able to help. Praying for you. You have so much going for you, but that doesn’t make it any feel any less painful. The thing is, you ARE doing it. Surviving and creating something out of all the pain. Give yourself credit for that.
I try to do that, and sometimes, like today, I feel successful. Thank you!
Rachel, it’s got to be healthy to be able to write with such openness and honesty. Sending a virtual hug. Your writing always connects strongly.
Thank you! I love the hugs!
I learnt a new word yesterday, isolophilia. It describes me.
I think I go back and forth between philia and phobia, just to keep things confusing.
Rachel, none of us are “whole.” We are, instead, travelers…strangers to others and to ourselves.
But that’s okay because wherever we ride to, that’s where we are. And that’s who we are, and it’s enough.
Bless your heart – and may you experience joy in the morning.
Thank you! Joy would be wonderful!
It’s very hard to outrun the causes of our feelings. We keep trying. I love your little dog.
Thank you!
Loneliness is a state of being, something one wakes up to every day, something one takes to bed at night. It is interrupted by moments of joy, of connection, of tranquility. Just know that your forthrightness in naming it makes you “more than” not “less than” for those of us who respect you and honor your ability to connect us to our own feelings. You would not be you, not be this magical voice of authenticity, humor, insight had you not been in this state of being since childhood. I embrace all of you, including the broken parts. Namaste.
Oh wow! Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for sharing your talent and beautiful soul with us. My stomach was in my throat as I read because I understand. ❤️
Thank you so much!
I admire your braveness in writing this, Rachel. There is so much loneliness in the world, even though it might not appear to be the case.
Thank you!
I only know you through your writing, but I consider you a friend. I want you to know that.
Thank you so much!
I’m so moved by your words Rachel. I was a very lonely little girl myself. I never seemed to fit in. I’m a total empath now, I can feel the pain of others . Sending big hugs to you. I think it’s awesome that you speak so openly , that’s is a gift in itself.
Thank you so much!
Thank you, you write beautifully!
I hear you. I see you. Thank you for being so honest and raw.
Thank you so much!
Oh my. I can relate to all your words. For the first time in my life, I have opened up my heart to allow friends to know me. I understand your pain. Virtual hugs as you move through this crazy life. I hope you find joy as you comfort the little girl inside you.
Thank you!!!
I am very impressed by your ability to so eloquently describe feelings that must plague many people. You write beautifully even when the message is heartbreaking. Wrapping you in virtual hugs.
Thank you so much!
Searingly honest! This was painful to read because we’re on opposite ends of the spectrum. I’ve never experienced any if the things you talk about, so feel to proffer any advice or assistance. Sending you supportive thoughts and hugs.
Thank you!
My pleasure Rachel
A very honest post which will resonate with many. I hope that putting this out there will help towards wholeness.
I hope so too! Thank you!
I’m just a person in California. I read your post every week and have for some years now. I’m sorry you’ve had so much pain in your life. I’ve had a lot of it too.. I think when we talk about something we perpetuate that energy and it just continues to get bigger. However when you’re in a lot of pain it’s hard not to talk about it. I just want you to know that I hear you. I send you lots of love as does Emily my little beagle. Cindy xx
Thank you!
When I read “the feeling is most profound when I am closest to other people,” I was reminded of something my daughter once said. We were at a festive event in a nearby town where we knew many of the people present. There were kids playing but she didn’t join them. She was around 8 years old and stuck by my side, saying she felt loneliest in a crowd. She’s always been quiet and introspective, but I had no idea she felt lonely, especially because we were together. We can never know what it feels like to be someone else. Loneliness seems to be an epidemic these days, although it’s not talked about enough. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability and experiences. ❤️
Thank you! Kids don’t always have the words to tell us what they are feeling, but their feelings are so big and so real.
There is a huge difference in being alone, and feeling lonely. Your life shows that you can be with people, yet still feel lonely. That is a sad thing indeed, but not so rare in modern society.
Best wishes, Pete.
Not rare at all. Thank you!
I prefer to spend most of my time alone, but I seldom feel lonely. I spent a LOT of years learning to first, accept myself for just who I am and then, like myself for just who I am. Plus, I’m a voracious reader and can always escape loneliness by becoming invested in the characters of the story I’m reading. I hope that, when you’re feeling especially lonely, you will embrace yourself as good company! Best of luck to you, as always!
Thank you! Books have always been such solace!
You’re right, some scars never heal. We think they’re bad things to be hidden away but the truth is, they’re part of us and something we can’t ( and shouldn’t ) hide from.
They can, as you pointed out, dramatically change our way of seeing, and interacting with, the world. They’re the driving force for some things and the lens for seeing others.
I know that the dull ache is always there, just hidden a short distance away. For me, the time I spent distant from others means that understanding and interacting can feel like mountain climbing. Then again, the sense that someone is hurting makes me want to reach out and help.
I guess what I’m saying is. Though you will always carry some scars you also have some great gifts you carry too – your understanding of what pain can be and your compassion in caring about others. Those gifts may feel small at times, or even like curses, but they’re gem stones of rare value and sometimes they can shine brighter into others lives, touching them though you hardly notice that you’ve made a difference.
You do touch people, even when the day is too dark to see it. And, if it helps, I found that sometimes you meet someone who can reach through the pain – they can’t get rid of it but, for me, there are now more times when I can touch their lives than there are when I feel that despair in my chest. I should add that it’s not an easy journey but it’s worth it – facing the fear of being truly seen again, the doubt and waiting for rejection, then the sudden realisation that they aren’t going to leave and that they care.
That’s so reassuring! Thank you!
I only discovered your blog late last night, and somehow I’m drawn to your writing. It’s funny how that works. Maybe the universe sees us in times of struggle, and quietly starts turning the cogs beneath our feet.
I love that! Thank you!
What you wrote, resonates with me. Thank you.
Thank you!
I am so sorry for your pain. I hope that sharing it has helped.
Thank you!
I was thinking of loneliness yesterday when I heard J. Bieber’s song “Lonely.” Your writing connects so many people together, and I wish you could feel (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) how connected we feel to you. You are seen, heard, acknowledged, and your honesty resonates with others who are trying to heal and grow. Thank you for sharing yourself.
Thank you so much!
EVERYONE is lonely, whether they admit it or not. From one perspective each of us must make this life journey alone, single, and never part of something else because God made us in these individual forms, our bodies. We’re alone in them. It’s learning to accept that inherent loneliness that (in my opinion) is the beginning of healing. Sadly (and again in my opinion) loneliness will never end this side of Heaven. For me learning to cope with my depression (which is on one face of it extreme loneliness) is finding the connections. With God (praying and being open to feeling His love for me as an individual) – with Him I’m never alone and therefore am not as lonely. With other humans as much as I can stand them (which isn’t much, but talking with a friend or family member helps the loneliness). My greatest balm against loneliness has always been my dogs. They make sure I am not lonely, even when I’m blue they are there to comfort and reassure me that I’m cherished and I’m important, and that eases loneliness greatly for me. It’s a tough thing loneliness and it’s unique to each of us because we are all individual. I hope you find support here in your blog and the many people who listen without judgment and understand.
I’ve found so much support from the blogging world! Thank you!
Rachel, I am so sorry to hear the anguish in your post. I could offer things to help but they don’t really. You have had much to bear in your life and it has framed you the way you are. The only thing I can offer is a place to be yourself and be accepted. I know it doesn’t take the place of face to face but you are important to me. Your struggles speak to others and your writing helps others. It is one thing that we can do to give others hope and help them feel that they are not alone. You are also not alone.
Thank you so much!
You are one brave lady – loneliness is an emotion we never talk about.
But we need to, in order to know one another for real.
So beautifully expressed, I almost felt like you were writing about me as well. I was so moved I burst into tears. Another one who relies on books and dogs here.
Thank you so much! That means so much to me!
One difference between you and a majority of Americans is you are able to publicly acknowledge that you are lonely. I think the positive aspect is that it means you want to be closer to people. For many years I never even knew I was lonely because it never occurred to me that there was any advantage in closeness! I met a friend from grade school a few years back and she told me I always looked lonely. I did not think of myself at that time as lonely is what I am trying to explain. I felt ordinary. Now I use the feeling of lonely to reach out since I have now had positive experiences of connection unlike the beginnings of my life. I did start with a puppy, by the way!
Dogs are so good at offering closeness that isn’t scary. Even the most frightened kids can look into the eyes of a dog and feel seen.
I know what you mean for sure.
We must have had the same sheet of music out today. Since getting divorced I have been having a struggle of my own with loneliness. The relationship I have been working on with God helps the pain some but not completely. Thank you for sharing and love your pups!
I love the idea that we are sharing sheet music, each singing it in our own way, but together.
Some things we carry from our childhood, or from traumatic times in our lives, will never completely leave us. But writing is one way to reach out and to deal with your feelings of loneliness. I am moved by your words and encourage you to keep sharing your story, Rachel. We may never meet in person but I feel the connection. Take care!
Thank you!!!
We can be surrounded by people and still be alone. I used to sit listening to friends and think we have no REAL connection. Same with family. It’s as if I can never fully engage.
Exactly!
Such a sad post Rachel but first and foremost, what happened in your childhood was not your fault. Loneliness is different for all of us, we can be lonely in a crowded room, with family or friends, it doesn’t have to be in isolation. Covid has hit so many people in this way, anxiety levels are off the charts, we live in fear and confusion, and depression kicks in, even for some who were never depressed. Writing is an outlet, and it is up to us whether we post or trash it. The wonder of it all is that people understand, not judge or criticize, and in that very understanding, you are not alone.
❤
That is the wonderful thing!
I think many people can relate to what you’re saying. I share a lot of the same qualities that you describe. The most important thing is that you’re content with your life, whatever it is. Personally, I’d rather stay home with my books and cats that force myself to socialize any day.
*than* force myself to socialize!
I think the problem is that I’m not content with the way things are. I want more.
Yes, understood, sometime it means challenging ourselves, and maybe risk getting hurt, to do it.
I think loneliness is an emotion and state of being that has spread across the world with the onset of the pandemic. To have this as part of your core being is too sad for words. My prayer is for you to find people who like/love/accept you for who you are and help pull you out of at least some of that loneliness.
Thank you! I believe in the power of your prayers!
I both love and hate this post. I hate it because it exposes your pain and I have no way to give you comfort. If I could reach out and take your hand in friendship, I would. Maybe I can.
I love this post because honesty is a rare gem and you have given us this gem, mined from the “kaleidoscope of broken people.”
Thank you. Bless you.
Bless you!
don’t stop writing
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through and are still going through. In a way I can relate. I so afraid to be myself around the other kids at school, I just stayed silent. Hugs.
Hugs to you!