If I had the energy, I would go back to Ikea for more bookcases, to line the walls of my room, and the living room, and maybe the hallway and the dining room too, and then I’d fill them all with books.
If I had the energy, I would go back to school to become a rabbi, or a cantor, or at least a Jewish studies professor.
If I had the energy I would go for long walks in different places every day, sniffing the smells and breathing the air and listening to all of the sounds, like Cricket and Ellie like to do.
If I had the energy I would finish writing the novels I’ve started, no matter how many revisions it takes or how much time I’d have to spend fighting my internal demons, and I would keep reminding myself that writing the book is the important thing, even if no one ever reads it.
If I had the energy I would live on a farm, with horses and sheep and alpacas and one of every kind of dog in the world!
If I had the energy, I would go back to ice skating and tennis and learn how to just love what I can do and not always compare my abilities to the people who do these things at the highest levels.
If I had the energy I would make dinner every night, learning new and complicated recipes for meals that I would love to eat.
If I had the energy I would travel across Israel, and then across the United States, and then across Europe and then Asia, learning new things and eating new foods and meeting new people.
If I had the energy, I would go back to school for a PsyD, and train with people I admire, and become a child psychologist so I could help the kids I don’t know how to help now.
If I had the energy I would write memoirs and mysteries and musicals; I would write down everything I know and every question I have, and then I would read and study and ask and interview until all of my questions were answered, and then I’d start all over again with new questions.
If I had the energy I would practice guitar and piano every day, and then learn how to play the violin, and the drums.
If I had the energy I would do the gardening and the landscaping at the co-op so that no one would ever cut one more branch off of one more pawpaw tree.
But to be fair, if I had all of that energy, I would be overwhelmed, with too much to do and no idea how to decide which of my priorities should go first, and not enough time or money to do it all anyway. Because there are so many versions of me in my imagination, and they all keep competing for what little time and energy and focus I actually have. And even now, when the amount of energy I have in any given day has dwindled down to something incredibly small, I still can’t focus enough to fill that time well and accomplish the things that should be possible, because I spend so much time arguing with myself, unable to stick to one version of me, even for a day, even for an hour.
So maybe it’s okay that I don’t have the energy to do everything my imagination can come up with, because that would be too much to fit into any one life. And most likely, if I had more energy, I would have an even longer, more unreasonable list of things to do, and the same feeling of failure to live with.
Maybe the goal is to accept the amount of energy I have today, and hope for more for tomorrow, and be kinder to myself about the limits, to my energy and my focus and my decision making skills,…but I should definitely get over to Ikea to get those bookcases one of these days.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
Yes, the problem is never too many books–only not enough bookcases!
Absolutely!
‘So maybe it’s okay that I don’t have the energy’ End of sentence. It is perfectly OK, Rachel. But I, too, would love to have more bookcases!
Yes, I think bookcases are the answer.
I actually can imagine you playing drums.
I think it would be fun. But loud.
A lament for creative, interested people everywhere. You’re right. When I have more energy my to-do list gets unreasonably large! It’s easy to forget that in any given moment we are enough, life is complete. Now, Ikea sounds like fun…!
It does, doesn’t it?!
Ah, coulda, shoulda, woulda. I have a similar lifetime bucket list but not as lengthy as yours. It’s the rare person who does not have pangs of paths not taken. Shana Tovah!
Shana Tovah!!!!
I think if I had the energy I would learn how to just love what I can do. I think all your other thoughts are all wrapped up in that one and you do and you can. Me too!
I’m working on it. Thank you!
Well said Rachel. You can always order online from IKEA. They are usually pretty quick
Ooh! Good idea!
👍🏼👍🏼😍
I like how you’ve prioritised your scant energy reserves to Ikea and getting more shelving for your books. I hope you feel more energetic.
Me too! Thank you!
If I had the energy I would write a posting like this one that I just read~!
Ha!
Yes to accepting the energy you have today, and accepting what energy you have tomorrow and the next day. To hope for more tomorrow may set you up for disappointment. Be content with what is.
Yes! Be kind to yourself every moment of every day. You are a thoughtful, warmhearted, humane person! Be the same to yourself.
If more bookshelves will help put your home environment in order, go for it! It the whole process promises more chaos, hold off!
Love & Hugs, Lindy, Max & Daisy 🐾🐾
Thank you!
If you had the energy to write this you definitely have the energy to set your mibd at accomplishing 1 goal.
I will try!
That’s all you can do, sometimes
The first thing you mentioned were bookcases, so I’d just go with that, so look as you remember to leave a space for dog treats…🐩🐩
Yes, Ellie has been barking my ear off about that too.
I relate to this!
Thank you!
Why not prioritize? Choose something you really like and do it. See how it goes. If you want, you can always add another thing to your list. And now I should go follow my own advice. I also have too many things I’d like to do. Just have to pick one.
It’s so hard, though!
Yup! It can be.
Not having the energy to complete your goals is frustrating. I have spreadsheets of things to do, but right now I’m only making headway on my reading list. I pray we are both energized soon.
Me too!
This is my favorite thing of yours I’ve read.
Thank you!
I enjoyed reading this though I admit, it made me tired. 😁 We can all choose a few things to focus on and do the best we can. Keep a short list and celebrate the little accomplishments. And learn to be kind to ourselves in the process, sometimes easier said than done.
It’s so hard to do!
What lovely ideas Rachel. Keep safe always🥰
Thank you!
“…writing the book is the important thing, even if no one ever reads it.” It’s the process, not the profits. But that is easy to say when you are 78 and retired. On the other hand wasting any time at my age is a baaad idea. Thoughtful essay.
Thank you!
I love that your post makes me believe that your imagined versions of you probably wish they had your energy (which I think is underrated): the energy to create a delightful, deeply deliberating, dog-loving blog (and one that’s followed by 1000s and continues to receive and deserve lots of positive responses). I don’t believe your imagined versions of you have your energy (at least not yet) because they’ve focused and spent most of theirs on the things you wish you had the energy to do. Fascinating, multiverse-exploring post! Also on the plus side, I think that including the word yet is key. You don’t have the energy (to do those things you listed) yet. There’s still that possibility/chance of doing them later. 🙂
Thank you!
All that talk of energy overwhelmed me too. One day at a time. Tomorrow I might dust.
There has to be a robot for that by now, right?
I so agree with that last paragraph. A gal can never have too many bookcases. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Thank you!
My suggestion is that you take time first thing in the morning to think about what your energy level is, and based on that, you decide what you want to accomplish with that energy level. We are all guilty of thinking that we have endless energy and then feeling disappointed when we didn’t get done all of the impossible list of things we thought we could get done. I have days where my energy level is high and I get quite a bit done. And I have days where simply staying out of bed is all I can master. Going into each day knowing what your limits are will help you to feel accomplished when you complete what you believe you can complete in that day. Oh, and get the bookcases!
Definitely getting the bookcases!
I feel your pain. Energy is worth more than gold.
Seriously!
So many exciting things to see and do, if only we knew where to start. I guess I’ll go read a book.
Great idea!
Really
Rachel, I really loved this piece. Not sure you have a lack of energy or lack of time, but I also share your wish to do everything I love every day. Ispecially loved this line: “If I had the energy, I would go back to ice skating and tennis and learn how to just love what I can do and not always compare my abilities to the people who do these things at the highest levels.” Sometimes we don’t do things we love because we are afraid we aren’t good enough. I’m learning to do those things I love even if I am not the best: playing the piano, swimming, writing, cooking, baking. I am learning to say to myself, “I am good enough!”
That’s awesome, and so hard to do!
Your solution in the last paragraph hits the nail right on the head.
I’m having an energy crisis too! I ran out of my Ningxia Red! Horrors! My energy has plummeted and my blood sugar has gone nuts. When oh when will my order come?!!! 😭😭😭
Wish I could recharge my batteries as my energy levels are flagging too.
I looove your kids’ questions and answers!!
Great sense of humor and timing!
It is about there are not enough hours in a day, not if we had the energy. If we did and followed through with everything that interested us we would never sleep. We have to pick our treasures and our battles.
Just get the bookcases! That’s an easy win. Don’t IKEA do home delivery these days?
I think so!
I felt all of this, lol
Set your priorities!
Start by breathing, drinking water, getting up, praying, walking, feeding your children, watering your plants (if you have them, and I think you should), checking your food supply, paying an urgent bill, doing an activity that cheers and makes you feel good, … phew!
So much to get you started, until risk taking bigger flights depending on your energy!
If you still have energy I’ll go get more and we can sip and construct together.
There’s a long list of things everyone would do if they had the energy. I think you’re right, that the best thing to do is accept the energy you have now and work with it.
Oh to have more bookcases! To finally be able to use the cupboards for their original intention instead of building cupboards in the laundry (utility room) to store those things that ought to be in the cupboards full of books.
Yes!
Ha! A lifelong dream!
Oh my goodness. I became tired just thinking about everything you mentioned to do. LOL! But the ideas are great aren’t they.
“If I were a rich man
Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum
All day long, I’d biddy biddy bum
If I were a wealthy man”
🤷♂️
Everything we do does not define us as a person in my view. We are fallibly human and must accept our energy limits as part of that paradigm.
It’s just so hard, though.
I completely identify with the need for more energy. We divide ourselves up into many portions to feed all that needs to be done. Yet it is not selfish to try and recharge our batteries by creeping off unseen for an hour of silence or to stick a note on a door asking to be left alone to write. Go and fill every space with bookcases and stuff them with books. It’s my dream too but then, where will the energy come from to read them all?
The energy for reading is always there.
I understand your desire for the energy to do all those things the different parts of you want to do but perhaps accepting that you in the last paragraph is the wisest of them all.
I’m trying. Thank you!
Hope you succeed.
If I had the energy I would live on a farm, with horses and alpacas and more than one dog! Not sheep though — my professor in college said they were not smart. I do believe you need an understanding of child psychology to teach children! Or it helps, at any rate.
Alpacas!!!!! Yes!
I’m struggling with energy and motivation at the moment too (for lingering medical reasons) and it can be hard to think about all that you could be doing. I’m just taking it moment by moment and celebrating the little things. But puppies will always bring me happiness, yes puppy cuddles are the best reward!
Puppies make it so much easier to stay in the moment!
Such a good post – I wish you a meaningful Yom Kippur, easy fast (if you do – I don’t – but I try every year), and new shelves from Ikea!
I refuse to fast, actually. After years of issues around food and control,
Finding enough energy is a problem for me, too. But I find that music throughout the day and partially through the night, overrides my conscious objections and my excuses. Yes, I am a procrastinator and avoid things every day; I put on blinders to shut out the growing mountain of disorder and the creeping depression. BUT It’s critical that I spend some time outside in raw sunlight. I have to face the vicious, bloodthirsty mosquitoes that usually swarm me but think I have discovered the only repellent that works for me; I dab it on precious drop by precious drop. Then I go outside, manage a little yard work then sit to watch any bird and insect visitors. Watching birds is relaxing and wondrful to me. Seeing Bumble bees visit the flowing shrubs and plants gives me hope. Even in the face of loss, I watch as they flit from flower to flower; they give me hope.
Beautiful!
Totally agree with you about books they are what transport me to different places. If I had the energy I would swim across the ocean (not realistic) but nevertheless to return to Riga, Latvia where I would like to be but no longer have the funds.
Our dreams define us, whether we get the chance to live them or not.
You use your energy to be a blessing to other people – so you are a success even if you never have a horse farm! The bookcases, however, are doable!
Thank you so much!
This is very well written!
Thank you!!!