I’m back in my online Hebrew classes and it is such a relief. I didn’t realize how much I missed this imaginary place, this zoom class that exists somewhere outside of space and which I can get to without leaving my apartment. After almost a year away – and such a year – I feel so much gratitude to be back.
Up until the moment class started, though, I wasn’t sure how I would feel. I was already feeling guilty for spending the money on this instead of on ten other things that seemed more important, and I felt needy and silly for wanting to be taught instead of teaching, and I felt ridiculous for not having been to Israel yet after so many years of wanting to go.
And then, because I was out of practice with the time difference between New York and Israel, I thought the class started at 2:30 PM and was surprised when I checked my email and found out that the class had already started, at 1:30, and I was late. I still had to set up my computer and brush my hair and change my shirt (I wear my pajamas all day every day when I’m not at work) and log into the new learning system the school had created while I was away, and by the time I finally popped up on screen I was fifteen minutes late.
But I was fine. No, better than fine.
The class (or the screen) was full and there were some familiar faces, but mostly the faces were new to me, including the teacher. And yet I was able to keep up, and my Hebrew was much closer to the tip of my tongue than I’d feared. We didn’t talk about the news, much, instead we focused on the things we could control, like how to be kind and generous with each other and leave room for making mistakes. I’m a big fan of being treated like a big puppy dog when I make mistakes, instead of hit over the head with a hammer.
During my first week back in class I went to every practice group I could get to, which ended up being more than I’d gone to in the two years I’d spent in the program before. I wanted to challenge myself, socially and with my Hebrew, to get back into the stream as quickly as possible. And I didn’t realize until afterwards how easy it was, compared to even a year ago, to manage the social anxiety and fear of the unknown that comes with the practice groups – especially in week one when I had no idea who my teachers or fellow classmates would be. In our regular classes things are more predictable: you get a class list ahead of time, and an introduction from your teacher, and that’s your group for the semester. But in practice groups we’re dropped into breakout rooms with random strangers to discuss random topics and then we’re being tested on things we’ve learned in previous semesters, generally using vocabulary I forgot long ago.
I don’t think I’ll be able to do this many groups every week, both because I have doctors’ appointments coming up and other things I need to get done this summer, but I’d really like to work harder this summer than in the past and push myself and my Hebrew as far as possible.
Except, despite all of the progress I’ve made on my mental health, somewhere around the third or fourth practice group the negative voices in my head returned: Why am I such a loser that I have to pay people to spend time with me and laugh at my jokes, why is everyone else so much more impressive and successful than me, why does everyone else get to be married and have children and travel around the world and have so much more energy and good health than me?
I’m not sure why the negative voices were on pause for the first few days, but at least that gave me a few moments to revel in the joy of being back in class. But then the avalanche of pain made me realize that this was probably why I’d decided to stop taking classes last year. I thought, at the time, that I had run out of ambition to learn more Hebrew, but I think it was more that the classes were bringing up too much internal noise that I couldn’t handle and couldn’t drown out.
The anxiety I used to be so focused on, around making mistakes and saying the wrong thing, seems to have been hiding a much deeper pool of anxiety around all of the things I want to have in my life and believe I can’t have. Being in class seems to bring up so much longing – to go to Israel, to have more friends, to be more successful in my career, and to be in love – and when all of that longing comes up to the surface, my deeply felt belief is that none of that is possible for me.
In the past, when these feelings overwhelmed me, my answer was to turn off the faucet altogether, usually without realizing what I was doing. But now, it seems like my brain is telling me that I am ready for more, or should be, and therefore it’s time to let me know that I want more; but I still feel like the things I long for are impossible, and I don’t know why my brain believes I’m closer to ready.
So, in the midst of seeing real progress, and feeling real joy, I’m also feeling awful at the same time, and it sucks. I’m so frustrated by how long it takes to make progress in my life, and how often I have to stomp the brakes to avoid falling off cliffs that seem to come out of nowhere. I wish I knew how long each step forward would take, and which goals would actually be reachable, because then I could plot it all out on a calendar and be comforted that it’s all going to happen when it needs to happen; but instead I have no idea what will be possible next week, let alone next year.
My brain remains mysterious to me, and I don’t understand what it is about Hebrew in particular that has opened this door for me, but I am committed to continuing to go forward in whichever ways feel possible. So I will make as much of this summer of Hebrew as possible, enjoying the laughter and the challenges and the friendships, and I will also try to make sense of the pain and confusion that come along with them. And I will keep trying to remind myself that this is what progress looks like and feels like, for me, even if I wish it could be different.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
You just keep going , girl! You might remember that other people probably envy you for your 18 K followers… Just sayin”…;-) We all have our different talents, and add to the world in different ways. I am learning to play the Celtic Harp via zoom groups, and it’s quite interesting to get to know people the “zoom” way, no?
It’s been amazing!
It’s great to remember your progress. We can acknowledge our individual, personal weaknesses without dwelling upon them. We all have them. I’m thankful that you feel some joy returning to your Hebrew classes.
Thank you!
You are not a loser. I retired before the entire world went on Zoom, so I don’t have a clue about that. You went back to your class after a year away and you loved it. Yay for you, Rachel. Tell those negative voices to take a hike.
I keep trying. I promise!
I agree with the sentiments already expressed. If you were able to look into the minds of others, no doubt they’d look similar to yours. We are more like each other than not.
Keep moving forward; it’s a great direction in which to go. 😎
I will! Thank you!
Humans are complex, which means all your conflicting feelings are normal. The fact that you are stretching your comfort zone and pursuing something you enjoy is amazing. I hope your appointments go well and you continue to enjoy your class
Thank you!!!!
Sending hugs. Keep embracing the joy you find in learning more Hebrew, and enjoy your time interacting with others in your Zoom classes. They all have their own insecurities and have joined the classes for the same reasons, to learn and to share the experience with others.
Thank you!
Do whatever works for you, Rachel.
I keep trying!
beautifully & sensitively shared! thank you for such great inner work: it’s inspiring🙏🏼👍🏼😊🌹
Thank you so much!
Beautiful complex post.
Thank you!
I hope, Rachel, that you can continue to derive joy from the classes.
Thank you! I hope so too!
Sounds like you did the right thing to spend on Hebrew classes instead of ten other things that seemed more important
I hope so! Thank you!
I love the idea of being treated like a big puppy instead of being hit over the head when you mess up. And then you started hitting yourself over the head with those negative voices, oh do I know that feeling! Regarding everybody else being married, successful, etc., remember they have problems too. The voices in their heads may be wondering why they are not more successful, or successful at something different, and why did they get married and why don’t they just stay home? I think the money is well spent on the Hebrew classes and I hope you continue to feel the joy. When the voices start in, say, “Is that how you would treat a big puppy?” and just ignore them, as much as you can (I know that is not easy!).
You are so right!
I look at your blog and think, I wish I had as many followers, comments, and likes as Rachel! You have had so many successes as a teacher, caring daughter, dog mom, and blogger, and that’s just what I learned from reading your blogs! Keep pushing and listen to your brain/gut saying you can do this!
I’m so aware of my failures that the successes barely register. It’s crummy. But I keep working on it!
Just working on it this is a success!! ❤️
Rachel, remember when these thoughts occur, Comparison is the Thief of Joy.
Very true!
Yay for your “I can do it!” brain!! I understand it feels impossible when all the deeply held beliefs surface, but I believe in you, Rachel. Go for it!
Thank you! I keep trying.
Might be one of the best descriptions of one’s inner self I’ve ever read. Well done! This struck me especially, “I wish I knew how long each step forward would take, and which goals would actually be reachable” YES! I said as much to my psych-girl and she replied, “My crystal ball’s in the shop.” 🙂
Cheers.
My Mom keeps telling me that her magic wand is out of service – these repair shops are not working fast enough, clearly!
Negative voices, constantly, make a MESS in my head, but, after a long walk, I learned to deal with it: the best HEALER is the LORD!
Even though a good therapist, or psychiatrist, and others can HELP, the solution belongs to the CREATOR.
The LORD is the owner of good and evil.
So, I think…
do your best! the universe will notice it!
… and I pour myself under CHRIST!
because this is my faith!
…
but how many times have you wished you were some other…
Composers: Stevie Wonder
Hey, you’re way too hard on yourself. Sending supportive thoughts your way.
Thank you!
Agreeing with what Lois said earlier; you are not a loser. I forget if I already shared the following with you or if you already know it, but if I have not shared it or if you do not know it: Nelson Mandela said “I never lose. I either win or learn.” And now that saying reminds me of that Lion King scene where Simba learns from counselor Rafiki (and from the past) to not get hit by Rafiki’s stick again, dodging and taking that stick and making more progress. I think those negative voices are more likely to be quiet and proven wrong and I think you’ll make more progress if you keep that quote and that scene in mind. Continuing to root for you Rachel!
Thank you!
We make plans and focus on attaining our goals which is not inappropriate. But life is the journey. Despite the scars of your abuse, you have continued to live ethically, to appreciate beauty, to learn and to teach, to share love and kindness with family, friends, and fur babies. That’s quite an achievement. ❤
Thank you so much!
I have fears, like all people. The acronym FEAR which can stand for “False Evidence Appearing Real” helps me find courage and move forward. I heard someone say in a tape, just the other day, that someone can say something to another that is hurtful and it only lasts seconds, but the retelling in the inner voice can last years.” That truth really hit me. Everyone’s journey is their own, and I remind myself to have compassion for both myself and others. You are courageous. I am happy that you made it back to Hebrew class and the community.
So much wisdom here. Thank you!
Our negative self talk can be extremely crippling and destructive. I have learned to remind myself that there is nothing I can do to change the past. It’s also energy and spiritually draining to worry about the future. We should enjoy planning our future wishes and goals… as in Plan A…but also have a Plan B and a Plan C because future events and circumstances often result in changes…so we try to stay flexible.
The present moment…and the next present moment…etc. here we can focus our energy, tame our self talk, and live in the present. The past is over. The future doesn’t exist. But we have now, and what a gift it is.
I so love your stuff Rachel, look forward to something new when it pops up in my Gmail, actually set aside a time for the read, the genuine, the honesty, the vulnerability … this is your best therapy, laying yourself out there for all to see but for you to see as well. You just keep to the pen (keyboard) and keep putting things down and, most importantly, read them back to yourself, sometimes even out loud, too many times, to the point where you have almost memorized them while reminding yourself that you are good at this, not just words but life, no matter what the hammering hammer naysayers may have said and who may have had you question that.
Always puppy dogs Rachel.
Thank you so much!
Rachel–It’s so good that you’re in Hebrew class again. I think the second paragraph in which you question all the investments (money, time, the chance to be a student for a change) only show what a fine teacher you are. Teachers should be learners. Teachers should invest in their own growth.
I’m sorry for the anxiety, for the negative voice, that get in. I try to stay on balance with my own and generally do a poor job. I try to say positive things to myself, but I am better at making the negative louder and more lasting and instinctive. It’s funny, while reading about your experience with Hebrew–which actually sounds wonderful for the opportunity and, among other things, the adept way in which you manage the Zoom format, I got to thinking about my experiences with Spanish (so much an easier language than Hebrew). A Spanish professor friend of mine used to set up occasions in which I would be taking part in hosting Spanish speakers who were not English speakers. Everyone was positive and favorable, though at one point on one occasion I was told (in Spanish) that I talked so fast. Which was ironic since that’s one thing I generally accuse Spanish speakers of, talking too fast. But I had to admit and confess that I was nervous for all the mistakes I was sure I was making and hoped to get the message across somehow, anyway. They said my Spanish was fine, which was kind and didn’t make the negative voices go away.
One thing I think about your teaching and continued learning of Hebrew is that you’re involved in a kind of culture-preservation. The Hebrew language is ancient and important, and the spoken (even the conversational) version needs upkeep and promotion in the present. (Spanish is spoken everywhere, you know.)
You narrative voice here is strong and open and considerate. Thanks for sharing. Shalom.–Christopher
Thank you!
You’ve got this!
Thank you!
Is there something about hearing that much Hebrew that is triggering for you? That would make a real inner conflict between your desire to learn it for yourself and sensing it as dangerous.
Worth thinking about. Thank you!
Your way of describing longing is bittersweet and universal, Rachel. I believe all of your readers are touched by your words. We are all truly in this moment together.
Thank you!
I do think you’re making progress, Rachel. Hard though it may be that the welled-up wishes have come tumbling out, that strikes me as a good sign. It’s astonishing that the more than 18K of us who look forward to reading your posts see you so very different from the way you see yourself. You’re a gifted, funny, insightful, lovable woman. I hope you can offer yourself some kindness because you sure do deserve it.
Thank you so much!
This has to be my favorite blog post you’ve written so far. Very nice!
Thank you so much!
Rachel – The way I see it you re committed to the teaching profession. Sometimes the teacher has to play the role of the humble learner to see the point of why they chose that career for now.
Thank you!
Hi it’s an awesome thing actually to learn new languages. All the best dearie
Thank you!
You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God, Creator of the universe (Psalm 139:14) – so don’t allow yourself to feel pressured by a need to be different. You are loved by God just the way you are. May He continue His blessings on you.
Thank you!!!