My weight has always been an issue. I was a chubby kid, and then anorexic, and then a compulsive eater, and then on every diet known to womankind, and then mostly normal for a few years. But then, during the trials of endless medications for my body pain and neurological symptoms, we found one that really helped, but also increased hunger and slowed metabolism. And no matter how helpful the medication has been, it hasn’t increased my ability to exercise at any reasonable pace. That means that I can’t maintain the weight I want to be. I don’t overeat, by much, and I do exercise regularly, but I would have to cut or burn at least five hundred calories more per day to make a dent in my weight, and at this point, that’s not possible.
I do what I can. I’ve tried protein shakes and high fiber foods, I’ve cut out refined sugar (and added it back in), and cut almost every other kind of food at one time or another. But if I try to go below a certain number of calories a day, I feel like I’m dying, and if I try to exercise more often or more vigorously, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.
And I’m angry about it.
I had hoped that, at some point in my life, my relationship with food and exercise would fall into a regular pattern and stop being a problem. I’ve worked hard on the practical side of eating and exercise, and the emotional and psychological sides too. But it’s all still there, still making me feel like a stranger when I look in the mirror, or making me panic when I open the refrigerator. I want to be one of those people who doesn’t have to think about her weight: someone who exercises because it makes her feel better, or can say no to chocolate frosting without feeling the residual longing for the rest of the week. But I’m not there yet.
Both of my dogs, food obsessed as they are, have zero weight problems. Butterfly can eat kibble all day long – and she does – and it never impacts her weight. Cricket could probably eat a whole chicken without showing any signs of it, except in the stomach upset that she would inevitably pretend she was not experiencing. They exercise when they feel the urge, and then rest most of the day without guilt.
I keep a food and exercise journal. I drink bottles of water every day. I try out new, healthier recipes, and buy single portion low calorie snacks, but I don’t get anywhere with it. If I could stop taking the offending medication and still function, I’d do that. But I had to make the decision to function, at some point, rather than to maintain my weight. Most days it doesn’t feel worth it, until I try to stop the medication and find myself struggling to breathe, and struggling to walk, and then I remember why I made this decision in the first place.
But it still doesn’t feel worth it. And when I look around me, I see millions of people who believe that a woman should be willing to be sick and in pain in order to look the way she’s supposed to look, and hate herself for eating when she is hungry or resting when she is tired.
The puppies know they need their rest.
The dogs think this is insane. They believe that how they feel is everything, and how they look is only useful when it gets them more scratches or treats. And even then, they’re pretty sure that it’s their powers of persuasion that get them what they want. I don’t think they even know how cute they are; though I could be wrong about that.
“You want to give us food.”
We are not relying on our cuteness to get what we want.”
“We’d never do that.”
rachelmankowitz 
I get it. Just changed my thyroid mess. Sigh. Weight gain as a result. 😦
That thyroid is a nasty little bugger. Mine burned out when I was a teenager.
Your dogs have it made. Love, care, entertainment, food, exercise, shelter. What more is there to want?
They were thinking of a trip to the beach, every hour or so.
😀
Been there, done that, doing that,will probably always do that.
So it goes.
Oy.
Wait a minute! I want to meet this person who says no to chocolate frosting!
Unfortunately, I’ve met a lot of them, and they make me feel like a troll.
Ugh. So not nice, Rachel.
I gave up on image issues long ago. I say what I think, I eat (sometimes) what I like and I sleep when I’m tired. Oh my gosh– I’m a dog!!
Yes!!!!!!
Go back to your religion. Fast one day in seven, always on the same day. Eat whatever you like on the other days. Drink only water or fruit juices on the seventh day. Bit difficult to start so reduce your food intake slowly on your chosen day. I was grossly overweight but have been living this way for just about 55 years and have maintained my ideal weight and even thinking about food on my fasting day makes me feel sick. Try it, it can’t do any harm.
Wow. That sounds oddly terrifying, but worth a try.
Love your dogs and felt you were writing about me…been there, done that. But at last I have come to terms about my weight and while I dont overeat and find exercise a problem because of my knee problems I keep trying …
It’s good to know I’m not alone.
I get it too. Worked a sedentary job for 13 years and packed on the weight – 5’2″ and 175 lbs. I didn’t care that much. Then I got diabetes. At first I was careful with my diet, then I wasn’t. When my blood sugar numbers became dangerously high and diet would no longer work at all, I was forced to go on metformin, a diabetic medication with the side effect for me and some others of decreasing ones appetite. I dropped to 145 lbs without much effort. Then I quit my stressful job and began to walk daily and got to 132 lbs. Since then, I’ve gained back to 145 lbs because of a health condition that is now fixed. I wish you could take metformin, but it’s for diabetes and not for weight control.
Wow! That sounds magical. Maybe I should sneak into a lab and doctor my blood test results.
I’m sorry, and I feel for you. My daughter has been down the same road and she grows weary of the up and down dieting thing. It’s not fair—but hang in there.
Thank you!
I have been there and I am there. At least we have our buddies that love us no matter what. I think I could walk more and eat less. As long as you are healthy and feel good, we should go with that, right?
Cricket thinks I could walk a lot more too. Actually, she doesn’t care if I am physically capable of walking. I believe she’d be fine with me following her around on a scooter.
Now, that is funny. Coop would rather snooze on the sofa.
Rachel, Mom suggests you look into Dr. Terry Wahls “The Wahls Protocol Diet” – it’s the best of Paleo principles rolled into one. Dr. Wahls was a mountain climber until she was diagnosed with MS. She rapidly degenerated and quickly was in a tilt wheelchair. She researched these Paleo principles and suggests that this diet (lifestyle change, actually) is fantastic for people with autoimmune diseases and she got her MS into remission within 2 months of starting this protocol. Mom and Dad have been on this for 3 months. Mom’s RA is in remission and she is back at the gym 18 pounds lighter since February. Dad has lost 15 pounds and feels great. Please check out Dr. Wahls’ youtube videos where she explains how this works (it is feeding your cells at the mitochondrial level). And if you want to talk to Mom please email her at elizabethtmcmanus@yahoo.com Love, Maggie PS totally jealous of that peanut butter, Woof!
Wow! Thank you!
You are welcome and feel free to email any time
I wish I could say something helpful, but I can’t.
Oy. Double oy.
They are cute AND smart, those pups!!!
Yep!
You are not alone in this by any means. I got put on meds for chronic headaches, which helped my head, but my weight just about 25 pounds. Very frustrating.
Headaches meds are notorious, and seizure meds and depression meds too. I still don’t understand the biochemistry of that, but I do know that it sucks.
Food and weight shouldn’t be a preoccupation, and it only seems to be in our society, where we have magazine models showing us how to look, and TV ads showing us all the good things out there to eat, and magazine articles telling why none of that is good for us. What’s a person to do? Do what’s healthy for you, and don’t worry about “looks” or other people’s expectations. God loves us the way we are, and only expects us to do the best we can in spite of our limitations. It’s WHO we are that counts. (I’ve fought weight my whole life, and think it’s terribly unfair that my sister can eat what she wants and stay slim, while I maintain on a starvation diet. I’ve decided “all things in moderation” and refuse to worry about it any more.)
I love the idea that we can be loved just as we are, but I find it very hard to live up to it and feel it in my bones on a daily basis.
I do not know what to say but yes over weight is root cause of every problem.
I’m not sure of your age, from the photo you look late 20s maybe? And maybe you’ve said or don’t want to say how old you are and that’s fine too. My point is that a certain generation of women in America got brain washed. We were raised to believe that thinner is better, thinnest is the best, and if we only found the right combination we too would look like some airbrushed woman in a slick magazine. For women like myself, who were ‘healthy’ young women (sturdy is another word for my body type), wanting to be 101 lbs at most is stupid and unrealistic. But I bought the idea. Tried for a lot of years to be ‘perfect’ and finally said a rude word about it and stopped trying. The doctors haven’t clued into the fact that a lot of us have difficult with the combination of calories and exercise and keep urging for more exercise, MORE MORE … even though we come back to them moaning in pain, with worn out joints and back trouble for our efforts. These days I’m content to let the chips just fall where they may and funny thing, the weight is leaving. A few pounds here and there, and sometimes I gain back one or two, but I’m fairly sure that things will only improve. Despite the fact that I only walk a little and eat what I want. I LISTEN to myself (body) and do what it says. Everybody round here is a whole lot happier with that formula, and I think that the nation would be happier doing that too. I am rooting for your success in weight loss if that’s what you want, or stasis if that’s where you are. And yes, the dogs know they can play the cuteness card and get anything they want. And they stay trim and active and do they knock themselves out over how many calories might be in that extra dollop of peanut butter? No! They’re too busy catching up on their sleep to worry about trivialities. Best wishes dear!
Thank you! My impression is that the skinny fetish has been around for a while. I know a bunch of women in their eighties who are still obsessed with those last stubborn pounds (that no one else can see).
I suppose it’s easier being a man in this regard. True, there are gym rats who are obsessed with obtaining the perfect six pack abs, but the vast majority of us male types don’t give a rat’s tokhis about how we look. I happen to be one of those androgynous types who has taken a lot of crap about physical appearance all life long, both from loved ones and perfect strangers. We won’t even start with the labels doctors have stuck on me like temporary tattoos (temporary until the next label comes along, that is). You just have to learn to say, hey, that’s their problem. I long ago accepted myself as a fat person, although I won’t lie that what some people say hurts a lot. I figure as s long as I feel relatively decent, I have nothing to complain about and those who don’t like it can just go and fuck themselves. 🙂 Hang in there, Rachel.
Thank you! The Yiddishe rat image made me feel much better!
I saw Rip’s suggestion to fast one day per week. We do something slightly different. It’s called the 5:2 diet. We keep to 500 calories a day on two days a week (not consecutive). We do Monday and Thursday. You’d be surprised how much you can eat on a 500 day if you like salads, steamed veggies, dill pickles, fish cooked with lemon juice (no oil) and so on. You can eat normally the other five days. It’s been the best way for us to lose weight. I lost about 8 pounds over nine or ten months. I wasn’t in a hurry. We now do a 6:1 diet to maintain. I think a lot has been written about the 5:2 and I’m sure you could find useful information online if you are interested. I have a recipe for a no-fat balsamic dressing and am happy to pass on other ideas. I keep track of my calories on the 500 days using the website fatsecret.com. Hope this helps.
This is another one I had never heard of before. Thank you!
I watch my weight. A fat bird can’t get airborne.
That’s very practical of you.
You are certainly not alone with this. Being able to accept your natural body weight, rather than striving to conform to society’s ideal of slimness, is easier said than done. Maybe if you could stop the special diets and the food/exercise diary you’d feel more relaxed about the issue and that would help?
I don’t know. Anything seems worth a try at this point.
Hi, the I read this it madam think of myself and the way that I use too see myself in mirror. I struggled with my weight sense I was a kid. When I turned 21I started to realize that my body didn’t define who I was. Now I enjoy a little bit of everything, and even tho sometimes I feel bad I realize that what I do in this word is more important then how I look. I want my kids to grow up to see that they are unique and no one in this world is like them. Thank you for sharing, you are very brave.
Thank you!
Have you tried jogging?
That’s hysterical!
I thought the dogs mind find it fun 🙂
Rachel I get the frustration with the weight, but it is also important to be healthy and if medication is necessary to maintain ones health at the cost of a less than desirable weight, well so be it. Our metabolism changes as we age too, I know once I hit 40 I could not eat the things I used to without gaining wait and I needed to really exercise to burn off the calories, 50 it changed again. It reaches a point where we have to be happy with who we are, know we are doing what we can to maintain and let it go I think. Exercise is so important mentally and physically, I know I always feel better after a brisk walk- getting those endorphins going is a definite mood lifter!!
Absolutely!
I think animals have that innate ability to know what is best for them… us humans, tend to complicate everything and sometimes it comes at the cost of our well-being!
True!
Oh Rachel, I so sympathise having been on the diet yoyo for years and screwing up my system to the extent of anorexia but without the weight loss. My GP 20 odd years ago told me to forget dieting and let my body find a constant weight, THEN we would be able to address it. I did more exercise, kept a food diary, and lost over a stone without really trying that hard. Fast forward to June 2016 and my introduction to Slimming World. I can eat practically anything (and I do, doughnuts, cakes, pizza etc in moderation as confessed in my weight programme posts) and I am close to my three stone certificate. Their plan of attack is that a third of every meal is speed food, which is mainly fruit or veg. No calorie counting or weighing everything (apart from your daily A (dairy) and B (fibre/cereal) options). I don’t know how they deal with any food intolerances though.
They have a website http://www.slimmingworld.co.uk
which you may be able to access from the US. If nothing else, it may give you another route to explore.
I confess after my fiasco with Weight Watchers, I never thought a group diet club would help me, but it has. I hate the word diet. Food analysis options sounds so much better!
Good luck.
Another great idea! Thank you!
I discovered through my food diary that we were not eating enough fruit and veg, so when we were in the cottage and growing our own, we rectified that to some extent. I had the right idea, but it was the quantity and ratio that I was getting wrong.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and understand your frustration. I wish I could help!
Thank you!
Sorry about your situation, Rachel. I know it’s like ‘not living’ not being able to eat what you want to eat and constantly watch calorie counts. I help my hubby lose 25kg in a year and what I realise is it’s not about what you eat but how you eat.
Of course, what you eat matters to a certain extent but any diets, whether it’s low carb, low fat, one food, are not going to help in the long run. I don’t know how to explain this in short, but don’t be defeated by food but rather control it and ‘enjoy’ it and walk before or after eating, is what I want to say.
Great post and one we can all relate to…. human and animal, lol.
Thank you!
Really sorry to hear about your debilitating illness. When one eats a vegan diet of mostly whole-foods there is never any calorie restriction or calorie obsession required. Counting calories never works. You just eat plenty of what our bodies are built for and feel great 😀
I can so relate to everything you said here and shared this with my Facebook friends and family – many who also struggle with weight issues. I too have found that the types of medication I’ve been on have played a critical role in these problems. The biggest commonality is how the appetite increases (eating to compensate for lower energy levels) and an almost halt to the metabolism.
I wish doctors were more understanding and sympathetic about this issue and the impact it has on us.
Thank you for sharing. I understand the challenges. Two of my three kitties are not a good influence like your Cricket and Butterfly. They are a little tubby and I may have to buy them a training wheel.
I tired to teach Cricket how to use the treadmill, so we could exercise together, but she was entirely uninterested. She lost as much weight from resting her head on the side of the treadmill, staring up at me, as I lost walking mile after mile.
As the old saying goes, I’m in great shape so long as you accept “round” as a shape. So there. Thffffpt.
Ha!
No advice from me. Just hear you and wish we all could be as self accepting as our dogs.
Thank you.
You would appreciate that today in therapy, the dog got up on the couch behind my head, put one paw on my shoulder and rested her head on my head. I should probably pay her! Such acceptance.
I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your dogs are wonderful – they accept you the way you are, just as you accept them the way they are. Most of us need meds of some kind to keep our bodies functioning properly, and to heck with anyone who thinks we should change that to conform to a body shape that someone else decided “looks good” for us. Listen to your dogs and they will keep you focused on the important things. (And, yes – they are very cute too!)
The only problem is when Cricket tells me I should take her out for a ten mile walk, and then gives me the stink eye when I don’t do it.
I was an overweight adolescent, but changed my diet and started to exercise. I’ve had no problems in that regard ever since. But it’s a different matter when medication is causing the problem. Sorry that you are in a difficult situation. But at least your furry companions are happy!
Thank you!
You are really strong, because you keep up your exercise and are careful about what you eat. I wish we could all except our bodies more, me included….
Thank you!
It’s a tough life for us people who have to watch our weight constantly. I always feel better after I exercise though no matter what my size.
I’ve gained a bunch of weight due to medical issues and medication. It’s tough to swallow, but I guess I’d rather be fat than dead!
Yep.
This one resonated (as you know from some of MY blog posts). But it’s the opposite situation in my case: I have to lose weight in order to AVOID taking so much medication! Losing 20 pounds would make a huge difference in my health, but I too am a victim of enjoying too much of the wrong foods. (And your dogs ARE extremely cute, and I think they know it!)
Butterfly thinks I should be eating kibble with her, and then I’d be fine.
Hi, I have a great program I am in run by Dr.Nehama Milson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=El1uka8eYYQ&t=19s She speaks in Russian but has an English course as well. I can get you her contact if you wish. She is doing online classes too. It’s not only health as we think of it, but much more. My life changed dramatically.
Hi Rachel,
I have lost 41 lbs in around 5 months simply by “not eating white”. It is a low carb diet, eliminating bread, potatoes, pasta, rice, and sugar mainly and staying with low glycemic index veggies, al the meat and eggs and cheese you want, and paying attention to not eat more than 5 carbs per item. Not even necessary to cunt caloris. I find those whites are mainly fluff, not very nutritious, so it feels good to be eating ‘real’ food and watch the lbs fall away. Good to use exercise too. No longer registering as diabetic.
Wow! Congratulations!
I promise this isn’t a ridiculous “have you tried xyz” comment that is frustratingly misplaced (or at least I hope so) but have you ever read about Health At Every Size (HAES)? I think it’s really worth embracing; it’s helped me come to terms with my size, my health issues, etc., and isn’t a load of nonsense. http://www.neverdietagain.co.uk/haes-facts/
It’s about focusing on metabolic indicators of health and accepting our bodies whilst learning to be kind to them and has helped me out a lot, both with physical and mental health 🙂
I’ll check it out. Thank you!
In my teens, anorexia put me in the hospital for 4 and a half months. I’m in my 40’s now and still think about food and am weird about wanting to eat certain things at certain times in certain places, but I’m honestly more well than I ever expected to be. I happen to love sugar and carbs and will say yes to chocolate frosting more often than I say no. But, of course, I also strive for a balanced diet and take my daily walks with my pups and boys. Occasionally I do yoga, because it doesn’t feel horrible and has reminded me to think more about strength than thinness (although quite a few people do seem to lose weight doing it). In the end, it’s really about -feeling- good. It’s not, not, not the number on a scale. You have way too much to offer the world to waste your mental energy worrying about your weight. Health, yes! Weight, no. Take care of yourself! (And your pups, of course, because they’ll help get you out of your head).
Thank you!
I’m sorry that you are having these issues, but, staying as healthy as possible with the meds is much more important than getting to a certain size. I think all of us wish we could be one of those people who could eat anything they wanted and not gain weight. I am one of those who have always gained easily, I say I can gain weight just from smelling food, and it takes forever and a lot of work to lose it. Interestingly enough, I thought when I was in college that I was the “fat” girl. But, I recently saw a full length picture of myself and thought, “Wow. You really looked great.” I really did. Was skinny and had a good figure – albeit my hips were a little too big, but that is all. Just made me curvier. I wish I could have seen that then. I think it would have made a big difference in my confidence. I guess I am telling you this because, from your profile picture, you don’t look overweight to me. I hope you can see yourself as a great looking young woman with a big heart…..see yourself as your dogs see you.
Thank you!
It is a sad trick women are subjected to — this unrealistic, unsustainable, unhealthy standard of beauty. Here’s to making peace with food and with your body, Rachel. You deserve to be guiltlessly comfortable. Hugs to you and your sweet girls!
Thank you so much!
So sorry to hear about your situation, what do doctors say about it?
Doctors say something along the lines of “pffft.”
Don’t know if you tried but how about a nutritionist?
I haven’t been able to find a nutritionist who will listen to my concerns. I know there are good ones out there, but I don’t know how to find them.
Gotta confess, I’m been caught eating peanut butter just like your pup. Busted! But oh so worth it.
Totally worth it!
I totally understand. I suffer from thyroid issues, low B12 levels, and high cortisol, all which are not helping my weight. However, I recently found and sell Plexus products and I have lost 26 pounds and they are all natural products, no diet, no special food, the products include a drink packet you mix with water that’s so yummy, a protein shake, and the rest are pills. Best part is it’s all natural, non GMO, vegan, etc. let me know if you want more information. By the way your dogs are cute and thanks for the like on the tail of two puppies blog!
Those last 3 pics are classic! Your well being is more important than whether or not you fit some perfect body image–sounds like you know that already, but letting go of the anxiety is easier said than done. My dachsie seems to be happier the fatter he gets–wish I could have a bit of his carefree attitude about it.
Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Well, as soon as I manage to silence the constant critical voices in my own head, I’ll come back here and let you know how to do it 😉
Yes!