Three or four hours after Butterfly’s death, Cricket did something she never does: she brought a mouthful of kibble into the living room, dropped the pieces onto the carpet, and ate them kibble by kibble. Did she mean to mimic Butterfly’s favorite way of eating? Was she consciously honoring her sister’s memory? Or did Miss Butterfly find a way to join with Cricket for just a moment to visit us and say goodbye?
I don’t know.
Cricket and Platypus, after.
I didn’t expect Butterfly to die, not yet. I counted her age from the day she came home, almost five years ago, and tried to ignore the eight years in the puppy mill that came before. Yes, she’d been in the hospital, but she was getting better. She’d coughed a bit the night before, but no more than was usual for her over the past year. Her bark was strained, yes, but I thought it was from a sore throat and it would pass.
Miss Butterfly
Mom came into my room at 6:30 in the morning, carrying Butterfly in her arms and saying, she’s making strange noises. Just the way Butterfly was limp and awkward in Mom’s arms told me that something was very wrong. She made some sort of wet hiccupping noise as Mom put her down on my bed. And then blood poured out of her mouth, and her eyes rolled back, and more blood poured out of her nose.
She was gone, but I couldn’t believe it. I checked for her pulse and couldn’t feel anything. Mom said she could feel a faint movement in her chest, and then nothing.
I kept my hands on Butterfly, petting her, only because Mom told me to do it; I couldn’t think at all for myself. I could see Butterfly’s hair move as I rubbed her back and I thought, she’s not dead. If I just keep contact with her I can keep her from leaving me. Her pulse is just hiding. It was a lot of blood, yes, but she has more. Doesn’t she?
My mind was split in pieces as I sat there watching her die. No, she was already dead, but part of me didn’t believe it. And part of me was trying to come up with a to-do list (laundry for the bloody sheets, go to the clinic to have her cremated – but she’s not really dead! How dare you even think of killing her! There were all of those meds we hadn’t given her yet, and the diabetes testing supplies, and the diabetic dog food, and the doggy steps next to my bed. She would need them.
I couldn’t move forward in time. I just stayed in that loop, sobbing, and hoping, for forty five minutes. Time was barely creeping by, but then each time I checked the clock, time was galloping past me.
Cricket hid under my bed. Even when Mom went to talk to her, to console her, she hid further under the bed and growled.
I asked Mom for a wet wash cloth and washed Butterfly’s face, but I didn’t want to push too hard, and hurt her.
We put her in her doggy bed on the living room floor and covered her with a piece of soft gray fabric from Mom’s stash. I wanted Cricket to have a chance to say goodbye. It took Cricket a while to come over and sniff the hidden Butterfly, though. I lifted the blanket so she could see that her sister really was under there, and she looked at her face for a moment and then ran under the couch to hide again. I could understand that; I felt the same way. But I re-covered my baby and lifted her bed onto the dining room table, with a towel underneath because the bed had become damp. Mom said that the body lets go of its fluids after death, but I couldn’t think about that. I couldn’t think that she was dead. If I only looked at her back, her tail, her paws, she could be sleeping. But if I looked at her face, I knew she was gone. And I kept reliving that last moment of terrible release, her twisted tongue, her blood flowing onto my bed.
We had to wait until nine o’clock in the morning to call the clinic and ask them what to do, so in the meantime I stripped my bed and took everything to the laundry. I needed something to do, something practical and concrete.
When we went to the clinic, I stayed in the car while Mom went inside to make arrangements. I sat in the back seat, next to Butterfly, and uncovered her tail and her back. Her hair looked normal. As long as I didn’t look at her face it was alright. But then a vet tech came out to the car and reached in for Butterfly. She picked up the doggy bed like a folded piece of pizza and I wanted to yell at her, that’s my baby in there! But I couldn’t speak.
I spent all day Wednesday reading the beautiful comments left on the blog, honoring Butterfly’s special soul and her ability to reach out and spread love wherever she went. All day I forced myself to remember that she was gone. She didn’t need her doggy steps anymore. No more blood tests and insulin shots. No more pills wrapped in peanut butter. No more barks of outrage in the morning when she wanted to go out. No more sous chef resting her chin on the tile leading into the kitchen.
But I didn’t really believe it. She would come back. The clinic would call and say that we made a mistake, Butterfly was awake and needed to be picked up. I didn’t care what was real or possible, I just wanted her back.
I feel like I failed her, like there was something else I should have known to do for her. But most of all I miss her. She brought out the best in me, the kindest, warmest, most compassionate parts of me. I liked myself more when I was with her. I liked everyone more, because I had her with me. And I want her back.
rachelmankowitz 
Such heart-breaking sadness, so well expressed. You are all in our thoughts, Rachel. Pip and the boys
Thank you.
thank you for sharing. it must have been very hard seeing how she passed. But she was with you and Cricket. Gone over the Rainbow Bridge where she will still be with you both in spirit. She gave you so much love and happy memories to cherish. Our thoughts are with you at this sad time. Keep strong love Mary & Benji x x x x x x
Thank you. She really was the most generous little soul.
How terrible this must have been for you – my heart goes out to you.
Thank you.
Sending you hugs. And more for Cricket. Reading your post was heart wrenching. I cried for Butterfly while reading this post. Your sadness will fade and happy memories of Butterfly will replace your sadness. And what you share of Butterfly will always touch our hearts with sunshine. She was one happy doggie. Butterfly, you can rest now.
Thank you
So heartbreaking. Hope you can find comfort in knowing you gave Butterfly a wonderful last five years and, in exchange, she gave you much joy. Try to savour the memories. Sending hugs and tail wags.
Thank you. Those tail wags are very comforting.
#sniff. That’s so sad. But it’s wonderful that you were with her as she left.
#noselicks
Thank you.
Sending more love from myself , Hugo and Slinky. I really feel for you and this brings back memories of the beloved pets I have lost over time. Its so heartbreaking when you are with them at the end too…but it would honestly have been some comfort to your beautiful Butterfly. Give Cricket lots of hugs. She will be fine as she is so loved.xxx
Thank you. I know that Butterfly was happy to be home and I hope I was able to offer her some comfort as she passed.
I’m sure you did. Xx
So deeply sorry 💔 I know from personal experience how difficult this loss can be. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. Know that Butterfly is always with you, part of you, in your heart in your soul. She will never really leave your side! When Cricket ate that kibble piece by piece, it was a sign to you from Butterfly telling you she’s ok. Believe that, I know.
I do believe that. She was magical.
Wanted to share this book with you as well: Signs From Pets In The Afterlife https://www.amazon.com/dp/0991641426/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_1ZBFzb89APQ58
Thank you!
I am so sorry and I have cried right along with you for your loss. Sometimes when our beloved ones leave us we feel so traumatized by the events that happened. We keep living them over and over again like flashbacks. If your girl was here I know she would say not to worry. That she’s on the Rainbow Bridge now and you will be together again one day. She would tell you not to relive that final night but instead to remember the joy. Remember all of the fun and laughter. All the snuggles and snacks and chicken. All of the walks in car rides. She was the sweetest of girls and now she’s in a place where there is only love and light. She wants to relay that love and light to you now. Hang in there as best you can. I know how difficult everything is right now. Sending you and your Mom and Cricket lots of love from here. Cindy and Elizabeth the Beagle xo
Thank you. The nightmares and flashbacks are still overwhelming, but I know they will pass.
It’s actually post-traumatic stress. If you know EFT emotional Freedom technique, and you do just a little bit of tapping that can help. Just a few minutes can make a difference. I think it was a blessing that Butterfly chose her own time. It’s a terrible thing when a dog mama has to choose it. She gave you a blessing in that way. xo
I think you’re right.
Butterfly was a loyal and loving friend and companion for all the years she was with you. I know how much this hurts and how sad you will be but I know that you will have many happy memories of the time you were together. I am so very sorry and I know she will be in your heart for many years to come.
Thank you.
Goodbye Butterfly and thank you for everything..
Rachel, I read this last night and could not respond. This is such a very sad time for you, I understand. We lost Chloe just about this time a year ago. She died in my arms almost exactly the way you described Butterfly’s death. Your feelings of heartbreak and helplessness are the same as what we felt. My heart breaks for you, knowing what you are going through. After a while, the pain lessens. The sweet memory of Butterfly will never, ever leave you.
Thank you. That gives me hope.
All that love will carry you through. xo
Thank you. I hope so.
I’m so very sorry. It’s very hard when someone so dear passes away. Praying that the happy memories of Butterfly will be a comfort to you and your mom. ~ Margret
Thank you. I still talk to my Grandpa, and he died a very long time ago. I hope I’ll have the same with Butterfly.
It’s comforting to know we can talk to our loved ones, they are always with us in our heart and in our thoughts. I have a feeling you’ll be able to do that with Butterfly too.
I hope so.
We can be so grateful that Butterfly found the loving home she always deserved later in life with you and that her spirit left her body for the next journey knowing she was deeply loved and very special. Your life and our lives too have been richer for knowing her and loving her. We send lots of love your way and please give Cricket a big hug from us too. Run free sweet Butterfly 🌈💕
Thank you. She really did love to run.
Death comes to all. Remember you loved her and she was happy.
I will try.
Sending you bear hugs.ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ Sweet Butterfly is now your guardian angel. ₍ᐢ●ᴥ●ᐢ₎*･ﾟ｡
Thank you.
It was very odd to click “like” in response to your moving and grieving post. I wish the very best to you, your mother and Cricket as you move through this time of deep change.
Thank you.
In times like this I think it’s important to remember that you gave her the best life she could have had, not to mention said puppy mill rescue, and she wasn’t alone when she passed. I wish you the strength in this difficult time.
Thank you.
I am moved to my depths with your depiction of Butterfly’s death. As awful as that experience was, I believe it was easier than taking her to the vet to be “put down.” When our Westie deteriorated nearly as quickly, we had to take her to the vet because she was in agony. Peace and love to you, your mom and Cricket.
I’d like to believe Butterfly wasn’t in much pain before she died. When I had to put down my Labrador mix, Dina, it was awful. And even then, we waited too long and allowed her to suffer too long, just to keep her a little longer. Maybe Butterfly knew I wouldn’t be able to make that decision when it came to her, so she made it for me.
I was thinking that, but didn’t want to presume. It sounds like she went very quickly and loved until the end.
Thank you for sharing, this hit you so hard!❤️
It really did. Thank you for reading.
I’m devastated. What a powerful, beautiful piece. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I will miss hearing bout Butterfly and seeing her adorable pictures in your blog. Be gentle with yourself during this difficult time; I’m sure you did everything you could for your friend and I know you gave her a lot of love and a wonderful life. Peace to you and yours.
Thank you. I’m so glad Butterfly was able to spread her joy far and wide. She was very special.
Rest In Peace Butterfly. Spread your wings as you fly across the rainbow bridge pain free and happy. Bark not out of fear but out of joy. Romp in the cool breeze and sleep in the warm sun. I’m glad I had the chance to get to know you. Thank you for all the smiles you put on my face when I saw pictures of yours and read about how much your mom loved you. I will miss you Butterfly. Peace be with you.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if, in death, she really could fly the way she was born to do?
Over time I’ve learned that the human spirit is a wonderful and powerful thing even after death. A dog’s spirit is even stronger. I’m pretty sure Butterfly is flying. Take care Rachel. The girls and I will be thinking about you….
Thank you.
It may not seem possible now, but in time you’ll heal. Grieve as long as you need to. Butterfly was indeed your little girl, but take comfort in the fact that she is now whole and healthy, and is waiting for the moment she sees you again. I have to believe they are waiting for us ‘over there’, because to me? It’s not heaven without my babies…. Again I want to extend my condolences. We’re all weeping with you. Peace and love. Em and Hunydog
Thank you. I hope she is feeling free and surrounded by love, wherever she is.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t have any words for this terrible time and if hugs could be sent I’m sending you tons and tons right now. 😦
Thank you. Hugs are a wonderful thing.
Sweet Rachel I know you are so very sad and your heart aches right now, but one day soon you will be able to remember all those wonderful times you had with sweet Butterfly and be able to cherish them the rest of your days. My heart aches for you right now sweet friend. Sending lots of warm, gentle hugs to you.
Thank you.
Rachel, I am so sorry about Butterfly. She was a very special girl who won’t be forgotten. Some things are beyond our control, but I know that you did everything you could for her. She survived a puppymill and, thanks to you, your mom and Cricket, came to know the love of a family. Every dog deserves that.
Thank you, and I agree, every dog deserves love and kindness.
Pingback: Sunday Sparks… | sparksfromacombustiblemind
I am so sad to hear this….and so sad for you, your Mom and Cricket. If I was crying reading this, I can’t imagine what you must have felt. I’ve had so many pets, seen so many go…it never gets easier. I don’t even know what to say… ❤
Sending love is more than enough. Thank you.
Lots of that…you were on my mind today
Thank you for sharing your experience so eloquently. As I write with tears on my cheeks I also think of your love for Butterfly and her love for you. That never dies. Your grief is the natural extension of that love in the face of loss. Be good to yourself and Cricket.
Thank you. I still can’t believe this wonderful creature loved me the way she did. I was so lucky.
Thank you for sharing. Such beautiful and heartfelt writing and a wonderful tribute to Butterfly.
Thank you.
Oh Rachel. I’m in tears for you. At least you got to hold Butterfly as she passed away. She knew she was safe in the arms of the people who loved her and could let go of this life.
I am so very very sorry. Cricket must feel very strange not having her sister to snuggle up to. Butterfly was so very special, not just to you, but your readers too. Big hugs to you all, and a special one for Cricket.
Thank you. I can still feel Miss Butterfly in my arms, and it’s very comforting.
❤
Such a heart-breaking time for you, Rachel. But you didn’t fail her at all. Eight years! in the puppy mill! You gave her such care and attention and love for as long as you could, and it wiped away all that had come before for her. Give Cricket a hug from me and one for you, too. Thank goodness for your mom being there for you.
Thank you, and you’re right, having Mom with me makes everything for the better.
xo
My heart’s with you. This is never easy. Sadly, I understand. It was very poignant reading about the piece by piece kibble eating. A sweet mystery. ❤
Thank you. Butterfly loved to read mysteries over my shoulder, so maybe this was her contribution.
hello rachel mankowitz its dennis the vizsla dog hay i am verry sorry to heer that butterfly had to go away run free pritty girl and be shoor to stop by tuckers everlasting rainbo bridj buffay!!! i no she had the bestest life ever with yoo and cricket and she is wagging her tail over the bridj evry time she thinks of yoo!!! ok bye
There’s a buffet?!!!!!!! She is going to love that!
My heart breaks for you, Rachel. Cuddle Cricket even closer, in Butterfly’s memory. Her spirit lives on in all of you. Our favorite furry family members always remain in our hearts.
Thank you. I’m hoping that as the grief lifts I will be able to feel her presence more.
I’m so sorry for your loss, losing our best friend is heartbreaking.
Thank you.
So sorry for your loss of your pup and the hole it made in your heart. ❤
Thank you.
Very moving words. Hard to read of course but by reading them we share in what happened. And by sharing, perhaps what you feel, Rachel, is just a bit more bearable. Or for your Mom…or for Cricket. It’s terribly wrenching when a beloved family member goes but the life, love and companionship you all gave Butterfly – especially given where she was before she came to you – was a great gift she undoubtedly treasured and loved you for. As always, blessings and peace to you all.
Thank you. Sharing the story really has helped a lot, and hearing from so many thoughtful and compassionate people.
Thank you for sharing the story of Butterfly’s passing. I wonder what could have happened in her final hours? At least she was at home and surrounded by her loving family. Opening your heart to a puppy mill rescue dog was a wonderful thing to do. Rest assured that those years she spent with you were the best of her life.
Thank you.
So heart breaking. You are brave to share your story. HUGS to you and your family. So many don’t think animals understand these things, but they do! I am glad you let Cricket say goodbye. You will both needs some TLC for a while.
Thank you. Cricket was so frightened by what was happening and I just wanted to give her a safe way to say goodbye. She’s still working through it, but she’s going to be okay.
Such a moving story. I’m so sorry! Glad you and Cricket got to take the time to say your goodbyes. Hugs and pawsitive thoughts to you!
Thank you. We can feel the hugs.
😦
Oh Rachel, I am so sorry about Butterfly, and what you had to go through. I am sure she was there when Cricket took the food to the floor. Butterfly had a wonderful life with you and your Mom and Cricket. God bless you all as you go through your grieving, knowing so many of us hold you in our prayers.
Thank you. I do feel like I’m being held up and supported by a lot of wonderful, kind people.
Thinking of you. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you.
Hopefully writing about this wonderful pet will help the healing process.
I think it’s helping a lot.
This is good to hear. We know it has helped us many times to process thoughts and come to some closure.
Rachel, I have tears on my cheeks reading this for the second time today. What a moving and eloquent writer you are; and how lucky was Butterfly to have been so well loved and cared for by you and your mother. It must have meant a lot to her that she was at home and with you both when she died. I am so sorry. I believe the kibble was a sign, she would know how devastated you are and also want to comfort her sister. Butterfly will always be with you and she is immortalized for your readers in your posts.
Thank you so much. I hope that Cricket can still feel her sister’s presence with her.
Me too.
There are tears in my eyes, too.
Hugs. xxx
Thank you.