When the #MeToo hashtag first appeared, I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I was afraid that it would minimize the seriousness of sexual harassment and sexual assault, watering the terms down to the point of meaninglessness, and I doubted that it would lead anywhere. I was wrong. It hasn’t gone away, instead, because of twitter and Facebook and some very good journalism, women’s voices are being heard and abusers are being named, and even fired.
But not all of them. Woody Allen still gets to make movies. And Stephen Colbert still promotes his movies on The Late Show. Actors still make excuses to work with Woody Allen, and say things like, I don’t want to take sides in a “family issue.” They don’t say, I don’t have an opinion on a moral issue of deep significance that represents the misuse of power not only of men in general but of fathers in particular, because that would make them sound icky.
There are even people who think it is a legitimate thing to say, of a politician, I don’t care that he’s a pedophile, as long as he belongs to my political party.
“No way!”
I’m not sure why certain cases are taken seriously and others aren’t. I’m not sure where this whirlwind is going to land, and I worry that there will, as always, be a backlash. I’m also not a fan of the assumption that this is simply a men against women issue, as if all women have taken the high road. Unfortunately, women have been as expert at shutting down other women’s voices as men have.
My experience, as a victim of childhood sexual abuse, has been that people, of both sexes, did not want to know. And if they heard me and believed me, they still thought I should be able to get over it quickly. Maybe a year of therapy, at the most. But I’m in year twenty-something of therapy and I see no end in sight. I wrote a novel about childhood sexual abuse, but editors told me that they found the subject matter, or the way I addressed it, too painful to read, and too difficult to place, no matter how “beautifully written.” Even when I went to graduate school for writing, and sat with other writers in classes, and bars, and on couches in dorms, there was a deep unwillingness to listen to people who shared these kinds of painful stories, unless they were wrapped in the cozy fluff of sci fi or horror or mystery, or, alternatively, gave graphic details of the sex acts. There is very little tolerance for a story that emphasizes the fear and vulnerability of the victim, and the complex and time consuming process of recovery. People want something easier to live with. They want empowerment and resolution in two hundred and fifty pages.
I am afraid that, even now, the reason why #MeToo was so successful is because people only had to read two anonymous words, and didn’t have to bother with the whole, difficult story. I am afraid that those two words are all I am really allowed to say.
“You can’t shut me up!”
rachelmankowitz 
Dear Rachel,
Perhaps now the timing is better to send your story out.
I agree. It would be a timely story and people seem ready to consider the victims’ sides now.
Thank you!
I’d love to believe that.
I had the same thought. Please revisit it.
I will. Thank you!
“People want something easier to live with. They want empowerment and resolution in two hundred and fifty pages.” I really see your point. I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope your voice can be heard, sooner than later.
Thank you!
This was painful to read, Rachel. Has the mindset changed from 20-something years ago? I don’t know, but it sure is at the forefront of things now. And consequences are being paid. I agree with ‘lkwatts67’–maybe now is the time to send out your story.
Maybe it is. Thank you!
That is all in the nature of things.
Wow, well said! We are listening and I hope you feel empowered to speak up and say or write all the words you have! I would love to read your novel.
Thank you!
Wow, well said!
Thank you!
You’re welcome!!!
First, I am so sorry to hear of your experience. I agree that a hashtag is easier for people than hearing the details of abuse. Years ago everything was swept under the carpet and thought that by not acknowledging it, it would simply be forgotten and disappear. We know better now. I agree with you that people want resolution and a happy ending. It is hard to hear things that we find horrifying, I know when a friend shared with me the stories of how she was abused(not sexually) by her mother as a child and how now at age 60 she is still in therapy and how it has shaped her life, it was painful for me to hear. This was an unfathomable thing for me – but so important to learn about her to better understand her, and to know abuse exists. Your words matter, and should be shared, in my opinion. ❤
Thank you!
#MeToo — have a poem I will be submitting to some journals that I’d love to share with you. Maybe I can send it in an email?
“… editors told me that they found the subject matter, or the way I addressed it, too painful to read, and too difficult to place, no matter how “beautifully written.” Maybe so — however the tide is shifting — let’s do what we can to establish our own equilibrium during this sea change.
I’d love to read your manuscript. I hear the pain often (between the lines) of your posts.
We will rise. Hugs, Lindy
Thank you! Please send me the poem: cricketpages@earthlink.net
I agree, this may be the time to dust of your manuscript and submit it again. Failing that, there is always self-publishing on Amazon.
I’m thinking about both options. We’ll see.
Thanks for sharing ….
So sorry about the abuse you experienced.
I just don’t understand why people still want to be associated with Woody Allen, it boggles the mind.
Truly.
I think your book sounds very timely, it is time to resubmit it. I am sorry for what you went through. My friend Gretchen Schmelzer’s book on trauma will be published early next year. You can read her introduction here: http://gretchenschmelzer.com/blog-1/2017/12/7/book-excerpt-read-the-invitation-from-the-upcoming-book-journey-through-trauma
Thank you!
Thank you for addressing this “unpleasant and under the carpet” subject Rachel. I am 59 years old and was raped by a nun at the age of 4 in hospital – every night until I went home. I was told to say nothing to nobody or god would come in the night and take my parents away and I would never see them again because god would kill them. Lovely stuff for a 4 year old to digest. Raped again by the “greatly respected” family dentist at the age of 16 right after dental surgery and some light anaesthetic. That smug bastard just sat in his low chair, suppressing a leering grin, fully realising that I had realised what had happened to me. Gutless scum. I swept that under the carpet myself because my parents would never believe their idolised person would do that. Life for me has been one sweeping under the carpet after another so I could just get by and cope with life matters. In this country, we also suffer from the disease but it is a “collective carpet” where decades of sexual abuse have been swept under and suppressed. The carpet is getting a beating and it is about time. I wonder about all my friends at school who were abused by family/friends – how are they coping today in their older years? The me too campaign has at least opened up that conversation that needs to be considered. I realise what I have written here today is not polite dinner table conversation. I cannot continue to sweep my life experiences under the carpet just because they may be deemed to unpleasant to read about. Thank you for sharing your story Rachel. Don’t you go sweeping your story under the carpet either. Get that manuscript to the publishers or consider self publication. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! That carpet needs to be shredded!
A man once asked me why only priests abused children and not nuns. The look on my face must have told him, “Are you kidding me??” I explained that as difficult as it was to admit and accept that priests abused children, it was even more difficult to believe it of nuns. Perhaps some congregations have taken responsibility for the abuses caused by their sisters, but I believe there are probably many others who have not.. I am sorry for your experience. I think it is time we redefined “polite” conversation so that those of us who need to speak truth to power are not so easily silenced. thanks for sharing.
If “they” found the subject matter too painful they never experienced it. They have only become as those who quiet the voices that must be heard. “They” aren’t’ the only editors or publishers. Please. Keep trying.
I will do my best. Thank you!
I have found a few friends who have accompanied on the path towards healing. Too many other people are reluctant to give up their idealized view of family, including perhaps especially mothers. One therapist who chose to work with grievously abused people told me she had to grieve the loss of the view of the world she had held in order to acknowledge the reality of some human depravity. Many people choose to deny others’ pain. No one in my immediate family could tolerate the truth and chose to say I was crazy. Fortunately, I am sane and recognize the power of denial to hold their group together. Losing me was easier for them than acknowledging our shared trauma. Love and peace to you whether you publish your book or not.
I’m so sorry. The power of denial is extraordinary.
Thanks. I am astonished at how hard people will cling to false ideas about reality.
This is an excellent post Rachel. Have you ever read a book called She who was lost is remembered edited by Louise Wisechild? It was published in 1991 and I found it very meaningful. So I just wanted to let you know about it in case it would be of interest to you. The subtitle is Healing from incest through creativity, but the true stories in it can relate to sexual abuse both within and outside the family. All the best to you.
Thank you! I don’t think I’ve heard of that book, but Louise Wisechild, yes. I read the Obsidian Mirror way back when. She was one of a long list of female writers who helped me feel less alone.
You’re welcome and I thank you in return. I’ll have to look up the Obsidian Mirror which I didn’t know of.
Excellent post. Maybe attitudes will change enough that editors will recognise the importance and validity of your novel—and the urgent need to have it published.
Thank you! I hope so!
Well said! People like things that can be wrapped up quickly and neatly, but the long-term effects of abuse can’t be dealt with like that. We need to listen when people tell their truth, and stop trying to make thing easy and convenient. That’s not in the least bit helpful.
Thank you!
I’m sorry to hear that you, too, have been sexually abused. I think that people generally are afraid to hear of others’ vulnerability because being vulnerable is uncomfortable. It takes us back to times that we were vulnerable, too. But it shouldn’t be that way. We should be strong and courageous enough to hear of other people’s suffering. We should witness, remember, and learn. This is the way I feel about reading personal experiences about the holocaust and it is the same way with abuse. We must be able to learn from others’ experience and use these accounts to know our duty to protect ourselves and others. We must learn to listen and not disregard others’ pain. You are right to speak up and speak out. Don’t let anyone shut you out.
Thank you!
I’d read your book!
Thank you!
Perhaps you might like to think about self-publishing your book. It’s so easy to publish an eBook.
I am seriously thinking about it. Thank you!
Write it, Rachel. Whatever you do with it, write it.
Thank you!
Moving post Rachel. Write your story. As you see from the responses here, there are many who will listen.
Blogville is an amazing place with wonderful people. Thank you!
Rachel, I agree that the time might be right to seek out a publisher for your book. Awareness is growing and the threshold for hearing and honoring the stories of survivors is changing. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you!
It takes incredible strength and courage to turn your pain into power to motivate and inform others. Thank you for posting this. Clearly, victims must TAKE their voice, because this apathetic society will not give voice to any genuine issue that requires thought, action and most importantly: change. Clear, strong, voices have to make people get out of their comfort zone and take a side. Frankly, Woody Allen is disgusting! Thank you
It’s so hard to keep speaking up, but I know you’re right. Thank you!
I am so sorry you had to go through this and that when you wrote your novel, so few were willing to hear. I agree that these are different times and the #me too movement has opened a new door through which you may want to find a publisher or self-publish.
I hope so. Thank you!
I hope that one day I will get to read your book Rachel. I think you’re right. There are so many who don’t seem to want to know or to hear. I’ve experienced that too. But many of us do want to know and to listen. We have to try and find each other. Warm hugs. 😊❤️
Thank you! Hugs to you too!
😊
Maybe now is a good time to send that novel back out there,,,
I think you might be right. Thank you!
I agree that recovery is not an overnight or simple thing. It doesn’t go away, and anyone who believes it does is an ass.
I saw first hand the effect it had on young people when I fostered. It was never their fault, yet even close family members refused to believe them. I hope in some small way I was able to help, reassure and support the kids I came into contact with. Now they are older hopefully with families of their own and are able to deal with the trauma in their own way rather than have it haunt them all the time.
Good foster parents are like diamonds – beyond value, and rare. Thank you!
It was one of the most rewarding times of my life.
I can believe it.
🙂
In this new climate I think you should again try to get your novel publish. I believe the reception would be much better and the support greater. As with all survivors of sexual abuse you have my sympathy and prayers. I have not had that experience but some that are close to me have. I pray everyday for their continued healing. Stay strong and let your voice be heard!
Thank you!
Go publish! Hugs
Hugs!
#MeToo has given the silent victims a voice. The only problem I have with it is that I know personally that males suffer from abuse of that nature too. And they aren’t taken any more seriously than women are IMHO…well maybe some of them are. Most just don’t say anything because apparently men are supposed to just roll with that kind of thing and never complain. But the suppression of expression and freedom to talk about it leads to the same kinds of scars. The same torture and the same years of pain and no relief. And I found something out for myself, forgiving the miscreant that did the ugly deed is the best revenge you can have. Because the moment you forgive them and forget (well forget is a bad word. Anyone who is a victim of abuse knows one NEVER forgets), the moment you can forgive them and put the thing in perspective or maybe learn to live with it and live well, that moment means YOU ARE FREE. It still hurts and the scars and angst and resultant psychological damage are still around, but you can move along working on helping yourself deal with all that better. In my opinion. That was worded badly no doubt, but this is a comment and not my own blog. And I tend to ‘talk’ too much..
I agree with you about male victims. Often they won’t come forward at all, and if they do, they are treated like they are “lucky” to have been harassed, assaulted, or raped.
Its horrifying how many men in positions of power have done and continue to do terrible things and treat women poorly. The revelations these past few weeks have been eye-opening. A sad state of affairs, for sure, but #MeToo and people like you writing about this is making it more acceptable to talk about and more important that we do so. Thank you!
Thank you!
I feel the same way about Woody Allen. I saw his name on a movie I started watching on Netflix then didn’t watch it. It’s all so insane that it’s allowed.
It’s bizarre.
I hope we are at the point that we don’t want women to shut up and that we believe them. And I hope you will someday feel heard….
The Republicans who would rather have a child abuser represent them than a Democrat are despicable and on the wrong side of morality. Pro-life means more than caring about a fetus.
Agreed. Thank you!
Rachel, I am so sorry to read this. There seems to be real change in the air, and, like others have said, maybe now your story will be heard. I hope so.
Thank you!
Wow. Very powerful and profound. I’m sorry about what you have suffered.
Thank you!
Thank you for your candor. All too true.
Thank you!
This post explains the sensitivity that comes through in your posts Rachel, formed from your deep pain.
Look how the feed back from dipping your toes in the water and sharing ‘your truth’ has affected so many others.
This is your time, take a big breath and jump in the deep end, you’ll be surprised how freeing it is to reclaim the true you.
God Bless.
Thank you!
I’m with you on this one. Can I suggest the tough road? Pull that book back out, edit it for the writing once again(not for lurid and unnatural sex scenes, or to fluffify it, but simply because edits are never really done), and send it out once a year to a serious publisher, until it gets accepted. In addition, I half understand your fears at the beginning…I’m a little more concerned that in five years, or ten, maybe even twenty, it’s going to become usurped by anti-bullying, cyber-hate crimes or some other underrepresented group that isn’t original enough to come up with their own hashtag. It is also a distancing effort. Anyone can say it, and no one has to say what actually happened. In addition, by saying it, they are only telling their story if they choose, not listening to others. It’s good to post the signs, but the true change comes from the great discussion. I’m wondering how we can get there. You made me think today, thank you.
Thank you!
excellent story and so truthfully written…a window to your soul…Chapeau Madame!
Thank you!
Reading your post and some of your readers’ comments has brought tears to my eyes. I am so proud of such brave women. Thank you for being courageous. It is hard to keep on fighting I am sure but looking at these comments I hope gives you heart to carry on. You are a gem – tough and beautiful. Mx
Thank you so much!
I’m late to this, so have not read the other comments.
In my long adult life, I have rarely met a woman who did not have some dark memory of sexual abuse, harassment, or inappropriate physical contact. Fortunately, it appears that recent events may now make it easier for them to speak out. Even so, I suspect that most remain unheard, and many are still too afraid to come forward.
It is a shame on the human condition that this has gone on for so long.
Best wishes, Pete.
Thank you!
Thank you for this deeply personal essay. We all have a story and someone will find it important. Persevere!
Thank you!
What a powerful post, Rachel. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and reflections. If #Metoo brings a deeper discussion to the topic of sexual abuse and harrassment, even in small ways, it will be an improvement. Your post is contributing to increased understanding and compassion. Thank you.
Thank you!
Sorry to hear both about your experience and your book. Perhaps its possible to revisit it in the current climate? You make some potent points about the social wave of metoo#. Let’s hope it continues to grow and tackles EVERY instance of abuse.
Fingers crossed!
Rachel, I admire your courage. Keep speaking out. I had a career working with victims of abuse and I’m glad to see all this dirt finally coming out from under the rugs. Maybe we’ll get somewhere now. It appears from these comments your book will be a best seller. Count me as one of your readers.
Thank you!
Have you looked into Create Space or Blurb in case you would like to self-publish? If you advertise your book here, you would easily be able to reach a large, interested audience. I wish you success with your healing!
Thank you! I’ll look into both!
Thank you for writing this Rachel. It is confronting, but necessary, to witness the pain of the abuse of the innocent, so that we can be shifted out of our comfortable denial.
Thank you!
Great post! I firmly believe that every woman has at least one #MeToo story to share. Hopefully many of us who buried our experiences or blamed ourselves will find solace in this movement.