By the third week of lockdown I started to feel the isolation kicking in. I don’t know what made the difference; maybe it was when I started to feel pressure to make videos for synagogue school, or when I rushed to the local grocery store (on news of toilet paper) and found out that I was the only person not wearing a surgical mask (the cashier sold me some at the checkout counter, but by then I already felt like I’d been branded with the cooties). It was the first time I’d been at a store for a week, and it made me feel like hiding out in a bunker for another few months.
“That works for us.”
I’m having a hard time concentrating, and sleeping, and my nightmares have followed me into lockdown. The anxiety seems to be creating weird attention deficit symptoms (ADD is not usually one of my diagnoses), and I’m having trouble focusing on any one thing for very long. I keep interrupting myself and jumping around from task to task, and then falling asleep for hours because I’ve exhausted myself. Even trying to write this essay feels like grabbing at thoughts trapped in helium balloons that are trying to escape out the window.
I’ve been outside a lot, because of the dogs, but we mostly stick to the backyard of the co-op. Most of our neighbors are careful about keeping ten or twenty feet away, instead of just six, but that’s what they did before the virus too. We walked the dogs up the hill one day, when I had more energy, but seeing the empty train station parking lot, and the empty streets, was disconcerting.
Though some creatures like the wide open spaces.
I’ve spent hours on Pinterest looking for information on how to use Zoom, and Google Forms, and how to make and upload videos, and looking for games and puzzles and all kinds of things to share with my synagogue school students, on bible passages and Passover and moral lessons, but, you know, funny. And then there’s the time spent on Facebook and YouTube, which just seems to pass without my knowledge.
I’ve been exercising more than usual, trying to wear out the anxiety, and I found a murder mystery series from Australia starring Lucy Lawless (Xena Warrior Princess!), that was a lovely break from the news. But then I ran out of new episodes, and the panic returned.
We celebrated Mom’s birthday in lockdown, with a homemade chocolate chip yogurt cheesecake and lots of calls from family and friends. Oh, and I did the cleaning that day, not the next though.
We heard from my brother’s family for Mom’s birthday, and his wife, also a doctor on the front lines of this pandemic, said that my brother is doing more telemedicine than in-person ER work lately. Even if it’s not true, it was a nice attempt to reassure Mom that her baby boy is going to be okay.
My brother’s the one on the left
Mom has been sewing constantly. First there were the cloth grocery bags (because New York forbade plastic bags at the grocery stores starting March first – great timing!), but then most of the stores loosened the rules on plastic bags, probably because they didn’t want us dragging our germy cloth bags through their stores, so Mom moved on to making cloth masks. The first prototype was thick and had a hepa filter in it and suffocated me, but the next design was easier to wear and only made my glasses fog up a few times, so now she’s making tons of them to send to family and friends.
I finally received my latex gloves from Amazon this week, so now I feel a little better about doing the laundry, because for a while there I worried that I was picking up germs from one doorknob and transferring them to another, and killing everyone.
I hear different estimates for how long we’ll be in lockdown. We are supposedly, maybe, in the apex of the thing right now, but who knows. We could get multiple apexes, especially if we leave lockdown too soon. At the very least, we’re going to be practicing social distancing, and wearing masks and gloves, into the middle of the summer.
The hardest thing for me is trying to forgive myself for struggling through this. My expectations of myself are always much higher than I can live up to, and now is no different. I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing enough, even on the days when I’m not doing much at all. And I hate the anxiety. I hate the way it makes my heart beat too fast, and makes me nauseous, and makes it feel like shards of glass are traveling through my veins and airways. And I hate the way it makes me so sure that everything is my fault and everything would be within my control if I just tried hard enough. My little yoga practice helps, sometimes, when the anxiety starts to tell me that I should be able to earn more degrees, and write more novels, and learn how to fly, during all of this free time.
Even Governor Cuomo, Mister tough guy, acknowledged that mental health has been an issue for him, and his daughters, and his dog. Exercise helps, and being heard helps too. Maybe that’s why he does a press conference every day.
Ellie likes to sit on my lap for our noon Zoom sessions with the clergy from our synagogue. One day I even brought a pair of scissors over, to trim the mats from her ears and tail, because those forty-five minutes are her most docile of the day, but I can’t imagine what the other people on the Zoom must have been thinking.
“They were thinking that my Mommy is insane.”
Cricket prefers the streaming services on Friday nights, probably because we sit on the couch to watch those in our pajamas. That’s more her speed. She needs the rest after long days spent screaming at possible zombies, or squirrels, passing by our door.
Cricket likes when the cantor sings to her.
I’m too aware of how well other people are adapting to the shutdown, and adapting to the technology, while I struggle just to keep my head above water. I watch as my fellow synagogue school teachers make videos and run Zoom classes, while I’m still trying to learn how to do Google Forms. I watch all of the videos people are making on Facebook, where they’re making chair lifts and fake snow hills in their backyards, or singing incredible duets, or making Covid 19 parodies to keep people entertained, and I feel like a turtle, no, slower than a turtle, more like a snail.
I feel like the kid standing ten feet behind the diving board, watching while everyone else lines up to dive in. And all of this is making me even more anxious about what happens once the shutdown ends, and even more changes take place in the world, and I need to keep catching up, or at least running behind with the stragglers, to prove that I’m trying to keep up, even if I won’t ever actually catch up.
I guess Passover is an appropriate time for this type of internal crisis. I am in the Sea of Reeds, waiting for God to part the waters. I jumped in with everyone else, because I couldn’t stand the peer pressure of standing on the shore, and because I didn’t want to be killed by the Egyptian solders rushing to capture us, but while everyone ahead of me has faith that the waters will part, or that they will be able to swim to the other side, I am treading water, barely breathing, and holding onto the tiniest bit of hope that I won’t drown.
We never hear that version of the story. We hear about the brave ones who jump in first and lead the rest to safety, or the evil ones who chase them into the sea, but I’m the type of person who jumps in because I see no other option, and I have no idea what’s going to happen next. I’m already scared of what’s going to happen after we make it to the other side and have to then travel through the desert, which is full of even more unknowns. But I’m holding on anyway.
We had two communal Zoom Seders in our congregation, one for each night. They weren’t perfect, of course. Sometimes the sound dropped out, or the shared-screen froze, or people forgot to mute themselves. But we were brought together when we really needed togetherness to help us manage the fear and isolation. We have a virtual place to go while the real world is off limits, and I can bring my dogs with me to that safe place.
So, yes, I’m scared, and overwhelmed, and feeling intimidated and not good enough, but I’m also feeling held and seen, and feeling like, just when I thought the bottom was going to drop out of the universe and send us hurling through space, we’ve created a magic carpet to catch our fall.
There’s a song that we sing a lot in our congregation, in Hebrew and English and in many different musical versions, but the line that resonates the most for me is:
“Spread a canopy of peace, a canopy of love, for everyone.”
And that’s what it feels like we are doing, with all of our Zooms and YouTube videos and group freak out sessions on Facebook. We are creating a patchwork canopy of peace for everyone to grab onto. It’s not like standing on solid ground, but when there’s no solid ground it’s a pretty damn good substitute.
“Okay, but what’re you gonna give me for this piece of Matzah I just found?”
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
Thank you for sharing your experience. I think we are all struggling through this more than we admit. I love your song – “Spread a canopy of peace, a canopy of love, for everyone.”
Thank you!!!
Let me know when you figure out how to fly. Until then, I’ll join you in the struggles.
Flying would make social distancing so much easier!
Stay strong in the canopy of peace and love. This too shall pass. Good Pesach to you!
Happy Passover and A Zissen Pesach and Chag Sameach to you too!
We all are hanging on, i love the ‘canopy of peace and love.’
Thank you! Much peace to you!
Thank you for sharing. I don’t feel as bad about my inactivity now that I know I have company. I thought everyone else was surely doing much more and much better.
I think the really active people are making videos of it to put online to make them seem like they’re the majority. Nope.
This must be the time limit for quarantine because this week has been difficult for me, too. And I’d been OK with things so far. Now our grocery stores are mandating face masks and we don’t have any. My husband says he has bandanas so if I can make them work with my hair tiebacks, that is what we will do. Otherwise we will look like Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.
Or a bank robber, Lois.
which is exactly what I told Roy…I mean, my husband.
It’s a good time for a fashion statement!
Jumping in the water in spite of fear equals bravery and faith. You are doing all you can do, and that is enough.
Thank you! I hope you’re right!
I know you have said you wish you could bring Ellie and Cricket to synagogue. Since you couldn’t, it looks like you have brought synagogue to them!
I thought your analogy to Passover was so appropriate. And we will all pray for the Angel of Death to pass over our homes.
Be well. Amy
Stay safe!
Can you possibly believe it from me that you ARE good enough and you are doing more than enough! I can identify with this post, but quite frankly, you are doing more than me after overcoming worse things from your past. Be gentle with yourself, and if you can, try to ignore the insidious voice that asks is it enough. Just do what you can and continue to pet your dogs!
The dogs have learned how to use guilt on me (they learned it from me) to get a LOT more petting than usual.
Did you just say, “damn?” Nani nani boo boo neener neener. 😃 Happy Passover, chag Pesach Pesach samech!
Happy Pesach!
We are not in lockdown but we are on restricted movement and social distancing. I have been doing what shopping is required and we do, now, have TP. I think it’s finally got through to silly people that we manufacture the stuff right here in South Australia and we are not likely to run out any time soon. However, we cannot get flour, or sugar, so no baking and no cakes – which is probably a good thing. Plenty of bread.
Easter Services are on line as are normal Sunday Services. These have been completed by five persons in a big empty church building – Minister, Wife and Daughter, Assistant Minister, and the person doing the filming. It is a different world, Rachel – a very different world. Take care, be safe.
You take care too!
🙏
Thank you for sharing, and you’re doing fine. I agree that there is a Zoom/google/youtube/whatever technology gap, but that any communication makes us a community. Regardless of how inept or clumsy the end product looks, the friends/students/or even strangers that get to experience it aren’t going to mind. In this time, it is the connection, the communication, even when crude and messy that counts. You are doing fine.
Thank you!
I too have been having a very hard time with all this. Advice I have been given is to let go of all the shoulds. If I get out of bed, I feel I did something. If i cry, that is OK. The fear is real for me. I typically have no energy. I am not sleeping so that adds to the difficulty. I watched a virtual sedar on Modern Tribe. It was “different.” I have not left the house in months. My spouse does a food run when he needs to get his or my meds. I have finally decided that I don’t NEED to do anything if I don’t feel up to it. Petting my dog does give me comfort. I make myself eat something every day even if I don’t feel like it. The fact that you are trying to make lessons and activities for your students speaks volumns about your strength.
Thank you! Stay safe!
These are not normal times. No one knows what to do, for how long, to what extent. I think we all need to go easy on ourselves.
It’s so hard to do, though! I will keep trying!
You’re a blessing, Rachel, and always share from your heart. You’re also human and struggling alongside millions of other people. Be gentle with yourself. We’re going to get through this. It’s just going to take time.❤️
Thank you! It helps to have company!
Definitely!❤️
keep well & healthy dear Rachel…it’s a hard time all over the world and historical changing point! all good wishes to a peaceful passover…
Thank you! Stay safe!
thoughts and prayers. STAY SAFE.
Thank you! You too!
I love the image of the “patchwork canopy of peace for everyone to grab onto.”
And, I hope you know, at least intellectually, that most of us are not creating amazing effects, videos, and chair lifts. We’re seeing them too and being just as amazed as you are!
Thank you for reminding me. I keep forgetting!
One of your best ever, Rachel. I read it aloud to Pretty who struggles mightily like you do with her fears right now. Know that you helped her tonight, and that’s a damn good accomplishment for writing.
Stay safe, stay sane.
Thank you so much! That makes me feel so much less alone!
Just continue to spread a canopy of peace, a canopy of love, for everyone. . . through your stories.
I will try! Thank you!
Rachel, Passover blessings to you, your mom & family under lockdown. A dear Israeli friend emailed me this week. She & her husband always host 20+ for their Seder meal, but this year they were by themselves & had to Zoom with everyone else. My family usually celebrates Easter with a huge gathering (& lots of food) but this year we are all on our own. Oh – if you liked My Life is Murder with Lucy Lawless (I binged it when it came out!) you might enjoy Brokenwood, a series set in New Zealand that’s also on Acorn Media. Stay safe Rachel! 🤗
I loved Brokenwood too! Stay safe (and entertained)!
Beautifully written, as always. And good to see a picture of you! You’re gorgeous! I’m not gonna tell you that others are struggling, you know that. I’m gonna tell you to go follow Maverick Puppy on Facebook and watch us do silly tricks badly – if nothing else, you might get a giggle for the day. (I’m so computer challenged, I think it’s @MaverickPuppy 🙂 )
I’ll go look for that right now! (I had to take pictures to send to my students to let them know that I still existed, so I tried to stuff the pictures with dogs so I could recede into the background. I think it worked!)
don’t hide your gorgeous face! And Maverick is terribly excited that you liked his page but he says to tell Cricket and Ellie that they are not expected to learn tricks as well. 🙂
Good thing! Cricket’s time in the gulag, I mean training class, was hard on all of us.
We did one training class. I cried all the way home for 3 weeks. Somehow he managed to pass but I think the instructors were afraid if he didn’t, we’d come back. Tricks, however, are fun, because we don’t have to be good and it’s still funny
Cricket “graduated” only because they never wanted to deal with her again.
SAME! I think they didn’t want to deal with me either – when they told me I had to sit in a chair, I asked if they were going to pay for the casts when he pulled me to the floor. They said, “he won’t do that.” Maverick took that as a challenge
Cricket was in a constant state of panic that no high-value treat could break through. Generally she would run from her spot in the class, with me, to hide under her Grandma’s legs. She even escaped from her complicated harness, well she didn’t escape, she tied herself up in it so she couldn’t walk. Ah, memories.
Maverick wanted to play with every other dog and would totally ignore me, other than to try to pull me to the other dogs. No treat would break through that either. You could try tricks with her, though – they really are more than fun but it doesn’t seem like it because, well, they’re fun!
We’re all struggling through the lock down, Rachel. I hope you and yours stay safe!
You too!
I am glad to hear that I am not the only one with virus dreams invading my sleep. It makes me angry when they sneak in there. I have to agree with suziecreamcheese…you are beautiful! Share that smile with everyone. : – )
Thank you! I keep asking Cricket to scare away the dreams before they can get to me, but she’s not interested.
Have you ever considered that maybe your feelings are not “wrong” compared to anyone else, only that you are so courageous, incredibly talented, and gifted with the ability to express that vulnerability? Have you ever considered that while you are honestly expressing it, others are distracting themselves with pretending to others that they are “just fine?” And have you ever considered that what you have written here, has helped anther breath a sigh of relief, and say, “ooooh, its not just me….” and felt a bit more understood by how beautifully you can share? Write on Rachel, you are amazing! I love your work!
Wow! Thank you so much!!!!!!
☮️+❤️! So maybe now you write a novel about how a young woman overcame her challenges through her faith… and her determination to be free of doubt? Hey! Who wouldn’t LOVE that!! I would! 😁
Ha! I’ll think about it!
You write so well, Rachel, with wit and humour even when life is difficult. I hear you.
Thank you so much!
https://www.mystalk.net/detail/2282816493468869176/ thought of you
Also this one https://www.mystalk.net/detail/2277761676211987447/
Thank you for letting us know your brother’s the one on the left. 😉
I wish you wellness in your body, heart, and mind. Be safe ❤
Thank you!
“Even trying to write this essay feels like grabbing at thoughts trapped in helium balloons that are trying to escape out the window.” ~ Wow, you can write. I wish you could write my memoir for me. 😊
It will sound much better in your own voice, believe me!
Thank you for sharing, dear Rachel, you are doing great. Be kind to yourself, we all have these up and downs emotions, they are perfectly normal in this situation. Happy Passover. ❤️
Thank you!
Buddha might have something to say here, but all I can say is that your writing is great.
Thank you so much!
“grabbing at thoughts trapped in helium balloons that are trying to escape out the window.” I love that sentence! Thanks for another great essay.
Thank you for reading!
I think this is a beautiful post with some gorgeous images. Don’t be fooled. Those wonderful creative, coping types are in the minority. We are all facing our demons on this wild ride.
Thank you! I just wish the demons could take a vacation for a while; they are not helping.
If you’re looking for some light relief, TV-wise, you could try Friday Night Dinner which I think is on Netflix.
Thank you!
Your sharing no doubt reflects the feelings of many. The barrage of social media information can get overwhelming. I had to learn how to make videos as well and found Prezi Video manageable. It’s free and user friendly.
Thank you! I’ll look into that!
So sorry to read of so much anxiety and fear. Perhaps because I am mich older, I am simply resigned to whatever happens, be it good, or bad. You seem to be doing everything in your power to stay safe (much better that I have anyway) so all you need to do now is to please try and relax your mind about something that it impossible for you to change.
My thoughts are with you and your family, from across an ocean.
Pete. x
Thank you!!!!
Rachel,
Except for your wonderful talent, your openness and those two engaging doggies,
you seem entirely normal to me. Those people who appear to have ‘a velvet lined
life’ are generally those who shiver behind a façade, envying people who can admit
it’s not all gravy but still keep going.
Your writing always gives me a boost. Thank you!
Sarah
Thank you!!!
I thought you had twin brothers before I read the caption. 😉
That’s why I had to annotate!
I know exactly how you feel. You know, with Zoom, we could actually meet. 🙂
Ha! I never thought of that! A massive blogging zoom!
You’re not alone in the techno stuff Rachel. My Slimming World group is using Zoom and I have no idea how it works. I’m content to text in my weight each week which is keeping me aware of target parameters. We are walking the dog about four times a day, very hit and miss as to if we’ll see anyone. Saw a police patrol car today as they have closed the prom and want to stop any beach gatherings.
Shopping is also hit and miss. I wear a mask and gloves, but the latter gives me a panic attack if worn too long. We have no idea how long the lockdown will last. We anticipate months, well into Autumn. Figures in the UK are going up so fast, and our recovery rate is abysmal, only 344 out of almost 74,000 cases. We are keeping away from everyone but saying that, people pass our window and wave, which we return. We chat with fellow dog walkers from opposite sides of the road, and converse through the gate or over the fence with our neighbour. It’s surreal, but at least we see people to talk to. We can only take each day as it comes. At least we can get out into the garden. Take care and keep safe. ❤
The latex gloves are surprisingly traumatizing! I feel like I lose a few pounds of water each time I wear them I don’t know how medical professionals survive wearing this PPE stuff everyday!
We were using nitrile which had the same effect, so Hubby found an alternative which are washable. They have a rubberised coated palm and breathable fabric backs, so much better for us to shop and no pruny fingers.
Sounds great!
they certainly work for us.
I relate to so much of what you say here!
I have been walking A LOT just to expend some adrenaline! If I get focused on an activity and stop inventing tragic outcomes, I do better. It is harder to concentrate on things, but distractions help, so I keep trying. It sounds like you’re actually doing quite a lot! One distraction: I just started watching Agatha Raisin (on Acorn) and it has drawn me in. Another: I cook a lot of healthy and good food like soups and make big salads to help stay healthy mentally and physically. Reading your posts helps, too.
Less news and social media equals less anxiety for me —keeps me further away from panic.
This is hard. Try not to beat yourself up. Some days just getting through the day is an accomplishment.
Thank you!
You are realistic and honest. I have encountered those who seem to be in bubbles. There is the pessimistic bubbles that are seeing even more gloom and doom than is necessary and there are the rose tinted bubbles where the whole thing will be over by the end of this month. The isolation is very hard. I now take passion flower tablets before bed and then I sleep through. Yesterday I did five hours of clearing up the garden and my back has put in a notice of complaint. But I am lucky to have a garden to work in and to be able to get out into the fresh air. So I told my back to shut up and put on a heating pad. I can sympathize with all of your feelings. We will get through this and will emerge into a different sort of normal. Chag Pesach Sameach ( I hope I have that right)
Thank you for your support! I never seem to fit into bubbles of any kind, but they do look cozy.
Clearly, from the number of comments you’ve gotten so far (92?! Wow!) that your readers are trying to be supportive and remind you that you aren’t alone and don’t have to feel afraid. But several lines I read as I read through your post resonated with me. So I’m adding my three cents to the comments. Your lack of concentration, ADD and the rest are things I’ve experienced too right now. I don’t have trouble with those things usually and it’s been scary to think I’m more ‘crazy’ than before because others don’t seem to talk about having such problems. Then you wrote and some sunshine found its way in to the black space I’ve been occupying recently. I think those of us who deal with anxiety or depression on a regular basis have had those exacerbated by the sudden, drastic change in the world at large. Maybe it’s just how folks like us cope, from a mental health perspective. I don’t know. I do know we’re NOT ALONE. We have to practice our faith and exercise hope more vigilantly. Take care.
We are in it together!!!
Rachel, best wishes to you and your readers. If I could not venture outside for a walk, even if only in my neighborhood, but preferably on a trail, or do some kind of yard work, my mental health would be more challenged as well. I am retired, so I feel for younger folks who have lost jobs. No one wants to be beholden to unemployment, so the not knowing what lies ahead causes so much more angst.
We all need a break from the ennui that has been laid upon us with this virus risk shutting us away from folks. I did get a chuckle from your reference to getting cooties in the store. I fully understand. So, keep up the humor.
So, get outside, find a new mission like Yoga or Pilates or just catch up on your reading, knitting, etc. Take care of you, first. Again, best wishes. Keith
Thank you! The dogs think we should go for a walk every hour; so, I will take that under advisement.
Happy Passover! ❤
Thank you! Happy holiday!
I am just impressed that you can use Zoom. I would have no idea. Well done. Xx
I can log on, but I have no idea how to host.
Let me know if you figure it out. Xx
Ha!
😅
Ah Matzah,. I once tried Matzah when my Jewish friend brought it for lunch. I tried to learn as much as possible about her Jewish tradition even trying the Matzah.
Happy Passover and Happy Easter.
Matzah is the bread of affliction, truly.