A few weeks ago, Mom went to a new orthopedist and came home with an appointment for hip replacement surgery in May. She’d been experiencing spasms in her left leg and numbness in that foot for a long time, and while she was in physical therapy for that she noticed pain in her right leg as well. But before she could look into the new pain, she had to get carpal tunnel surgery on her left wrist (to match the surgery on her right wrist from last year), and then she needed a few weeks to recover, and then she got distracted. But in the past month or so she’d started to have trouble walking and was experiencing even more pain than usual, so she made an appointment with an orthopedist.
I barely noticed the appointment on the calendar in the living room, because the calendar was filled with so many other doctor visits, board meetings, quilting groups, and outings with friends, but then Mom became nauseous and so exhausted that she couldn’t get to all of her various appointments for a few days. We assumed it was a reaction to her second Covid booster shot (Pfizer this time), but it went on and on, so she called her Cardiologist’s office to see if it might be something more serious than a reaction to the booster. They gave her an appointment on the same day as her orthopedic appointment, so she decided to go to the orthopedist after all, since she had a few hours to kill before going to the Cardiologist.
I woke up after she’d left for the Orthopedist, though not long after, because as soon as she closed the front door the dogs climbed up on my bed and Cricket decided to stand on my chest and stare at me until I got up. After breakfast, and a long argument with the dogs about whether or not they needed a second breakfast, Mom sent me a text to say that she was sitting in the waiting room at the new doctor’s office and she was bored. I tried to entertain her, unsuccessfully, and then took the dogs out for their second morning walk (I wasn’t up to another argument with them), and then I stared at the computer for way too long.
I got another text from Mom a while later, saying that the nurse at the doctor’s office had had a similar reaction to the Pfizer booster, and it eventually passed (after three weeks!), but at least it was reassuring to know that this really was a reaction to the shot and not something more serious, so she could cancel the appointment with the Cardiologist, at least for now, which she really didn’t have the energy for after all of the sitting and waiting.
I wrote back asking if the nurse had had any suggestions for how to manage the symptoms and Mom said she’d forgotten to ask, and then I didn’t hear from her and I assumed she was finally getting to see the doctor. I tried to get some work done (probably Duolingo), and read a few chapters about Disability Inclusion in the classroom, and The History of the State of Israel, and Intuitive Eating (three different books), and then I got another text.
On my way home. Will need a new hip.
Wait, what?!!!!
There was no answer to my text because she was already driving home, but twenty minutes later I met her at the front door to our building and said, again, What?!!!
Mom was in her own state of shock, so I had to wait until we were sitting on the couch in the living room and Cricket was ensconced on her Grandma’s lap – as God intended – before Mom could tell me more. The doctor had done x-rays, which, for some reason, hadn’t been done in a long time, and it turned out that Mom’s right hip had no cartilage left and was just bone on bone, and the left hip wasn’t much better. If the right hip went well, they would schedule surgery on the left one a few months later. When Mom asked them how this much damage could have come on so suddenly, the Physician’s Assistant said that people experience pain differently, and it’s possible that her body just didn’t register the pain until it was severe. Mom has always had (very) high pain tolerance, but even for her this seemed extreme. She ate some crackers (still nauseous) and drank some water (mixed with grape juice because that’s how she rolls) and then she convinced the dogs that it was time for a room change and an afternoon nap, but I just sat there on the couch, overwhelmed and struggling to take it all in.
I was angry at the doctors for not seeing this sooner, and for being so invalidating in their doctorliness over the years; and I was jealous that Mom had an actual solution to one of her health issues; and I was worried about the surgery and the anesthesia and any possible unintended consequences; and I was hopeful that this surgery could make a difference in Mom’s health overall, because maybe the more generalized pain she’s been experiencing is actually related to this hip situation and once that’s better she might feel better; and I was annoyed that she would be out of commission just when I needed her help (which I always do); and I was scared overall about her aging and her not being Supermommy forever, and, and, and.
There was a lot going on in my mind, but within days it became clear that that her doctor – or his office, and the hospital in the city where the surgery would be performed – had it all planned out, with pre-op testing and webinars to explain everything and lists of aftercare devises and plans for a visiting nurse and a visiting physical therapist. All of those preset frameworks were reassuring, to both of us, and made it possible to believe that Mom might just be okay.
But, all of this reminded me of when I was twenty-two and she (finally) had back surgery for her scoliosis. She was supposed to have it when my brother and I were away at camp one summer years earlier, but she’d had to cancel the whole thing because my father refused to be her support system, and the doctors didn’t have the same kinds of plans in place for outside supports back then. Instead, she waited to have the surgery until I was old enough to take care of her. I’d finished college a few months earlier and looked, from the outside, like a reasonable adult, but we were still living in my childhood home, with my abusive father, and I was still in a deep depression, and I was terrified that Mom would go to the hospital in the city and never come back.
There were two surgeries, a week apart. After the first surgery, I sat up with her overnight, ready to drive her to the emergency room if necessary, trying to distract her, going out to get her medication, making toast and eggs, and then going to the library for recipe books so I could make her more food-like food when she was ready to eat it. She needed help washing her hair, and getting from one room to another, and I had to set my alarm for every three hours so I could remind her to take her medication overnight before the worst of the pain could kick in.
My father drove me in to the city to see her after the second surgery, and being alone in a car with him felt like a hostage situation, wherein he pretended he was the best father in the world, but it was the only way for me to see Mom.
My brother (who was finishing medical school) drove her home from the second surgery, and then we went through all of the same stages of recovery, with the alarm clocks and the toast and the hair-washing, until she could think straight and start to believe that the pain might eventually recede. The rest of the time, I sat alone in my room, shaking.
But even before she’d fully recovered, Mom was so much stronger and she was ready to ask for the divorce she’d wanted for years. And, despite all of the fear and pain, those surgeries were a turning point, in both of our lives.
I have been promised that this hip surgery, and the next one, will be nothing like those back surgeries: nowhere near the degree of danger, or pain, because they are so much better at this now, and so much better at the pre and post-operative care. And we have family and friends offering more help than we can even use, and I am so much stronger than I was back then.
But, it’s hard not to be thrown back in time. And yet, I want to believe that Mom will feel stronger and more energetic and more secure on her feet once both hips are replaced. I want to picture her sitting on her birthday bench while she recovers, with Ellie by her side and Cricket sniffing every blade of grass in the yard, and the birds singing over their heads ignoring them completely. And I want to believe that this will be another good turning point, for both of us, despite the fear we’re feeling in the moment.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
I hope she flies through the surgeries!
Me too!!!!
This is a lot to process. Wishing you both the strength and courage and comfort you need. ❤️ 💕
Thank you so much!
I will be following this closely since I will also probably be needing hip surgery soon. Hope she comes through with flying colors!
Me too! Thank you!
Intense read. You made your mother and the situations so real and immediate. Fingers crossed that this is another turning point and you and your mother emerge stronger, healthier, and happier.
Thank you so much!
Medicine has improved so much. Good luck to your mom and to you, Rachel! And now you have Cricket and Ellie to help you with your mom, too!
Absolutely! Thank you!
Best wishes for the best outcome for your Mom, Rachel. Allan
Thank you!
Wishing your mother a speedy recovery!
Thank you!
Hoping your mom has a speedy recovery.
Thank you!
Rachel, I really hope all goes smoothly and easily for your mom…and for you as her caregiver post-op.
Thank you! Me too!
We’ll all be praying for a speedy recovery for your mom! ❤️
Thank you so much!
This article might interest you. I have been experiencing a lot of pain that wont go away after the Covid virus and shots: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/02/210217151116.htm I hope all goes well with your Mom’s surgery. My Mom just had it done and it went well.
Awesome! Thank you!!!!!
Lots going on. Good thing you have those lovely dogs so they can help you de-stress.
Absolutely! Thank you!
Rachel, sending prayers for skilled doctors doing a great job and your mom having a speedy recovery. Thankfully, you’ll be coming home to a peaceful place with love.
Thank you!!!!!!
As I read this, feeling your understandable pain and anxiety, I couldn’t help thinking how lucky your mom is to have you.
My doctor referred me to a surgeon about my painful right shoulder. I saw the surgeon’s PA last Monday. He told me that the only surgery that will help me with the pain and mobility issues is a shoulder replacement. But before we do that, he gave me some exercises to try.
Getting older isn’t for sissies.
Ha! You are so right!
Bugger! That must have been a shock!
Yes!
You are so lucky to get seen and treated so quickly. Here in Wales it takes an age. As I read your blog I realised I had the same symptoms as Mom! My pain started last October, by the end of February pain, pins & needles, running sensation going down leg, had begun. Since the start severe pain in my right upper buttock every day, where I am unable to walk very far. Diagnosis is nerve has channel has narrowed in places – result of M.R.I. scan. Due to an irregular pulse ( found by my chiropractor) an E.C.G. last week, waiting to see the Cardiologist. Sending love to Mom and get well soon. Mary
I hope they can help you soon!
You have been through the wars with your Mom – turning points or not. I hope the hips will be righted. Cricket’s method of getting you out of bed is so well described – I can feel it 🙂
Cricket is very talented! Let’s just hope she doesn’t do it to my Mom during her recovery.
My hubby’s hip replacement was done under local, not general, anaesthetic. But the most important bit was his post-operative physical therapy. It sounds as if your Mum’s in great hands and I’m sure everything will go well.
Local?! I think I’d need general anesthetic just to not be completely freaked out!
The most dangerous part of any operation is the general anaesthetic. I just wanted to point out that there’s an alternative.
You’re absolutely right, but I can barely deal with being awake for dental work, I don’t know how I’d manage real surgery.
Okay
Best of luck to your Mum and to you. I know many who have had a new lease of life as a result of hip replacements.
I’ve heard some great stories too. Fingers crossed!
Hip surgeries have entered a new era with the help of new technologies. My father had surgery to replace the joint on the left side of his hip. The surgeon kept dad and I well informed with explanations and x-rays pre-op and post-op. The surgery made a world of difference in dad’s mobility and attitude. I hope your mom has a similar experience.
Me too! Thank you!!!!
Having gone through that surgery (both hips now, but my first one was at 42), I can say with assurance that as long as she does her physical therapy, all will be great once the shock of the surgery is over. If she has a high tolerance for pain, a suggestion I found out too late was that one can request less pain med mixed in with the anesthesia, lessening the confusion and possibly physical illness (I get physically sick and am disoriented for as long as a week when I’m given general anesthesia). I don’t know if that is your mom’s case of course, but it’s good to know I think. The therapy bit (which will be stressful) is key to her feeling the best she can, as quickly as possible. If they offer pool therapy after her wound site is healed enough, take it. I can’t tell you the relief of feeling weightless and being able to walk properly while in the pool, although getting out again is challenging (because one doesn’t want to EVER get out). The methods of surgery now versus when your mom had back surgery are years ahead. If the hospital has the ‘hip robot’ on site, the machine with the doctor’s aid, tailors the hip to precisely fit your mom’s pelvis socket. I know you are a compassionate and caring soul, so your mom? Is gonna do fine. The problem might be that you can’t keep Cricket off her lap for a while after surgery. 😄
Cricket is definitely the biggest concern. She is not going to understand, especially when the nurse and the therapist come into her home! Oy.
Wishing your mum a speedy and full recovery.
Thank you!
I hope all goes well with the multitude of surgeries. Much love to you all and great big hugs to you to help you get through it all!
Thank you so much!
My dad was up walking the next day after both his hip joint replacements. After it is over she will be so much more mobile and pain free. It’s a good job you are not NHS patients, because you would be looking at a five year wait.
Oh wow! A five year wait sounds excruciating.
My mum had hip replacement after a fall in the street when she was 80. The operation went fine, but she refused to do the necessary exercises and physio after, so spent the last years of her life sitting (and sleeping) in a chair. It is the post-op recovery that is so important.
Best wishes, Pete.
Oh no! The dogs and I are going to have to crack the whip and make sure physical therapy gets done.
Hope all goes well Rachel. Hugs and positive vibes to you all.
Thank you!
You are very welcome
Sending positive thoughts to you, your mom and your dogs.
May you all be well.
Thank you!
I have had both my hips replaced . I think it will go well for your Mum and she will be without pain and able to walk around well. I am sending positive and focused thoughts to both of you.
That’s great news! Thank you!
Many years ago, in my freelance writing days, the writers’ org I belonged to gave an award to a guy for his article about “An Ordinary Miracle.” That was a hip replacement. They are wonderful surgeries that vastly improve most people’s lives. With regard to her dr’s explanation that people experience pain differently, there were seven years between my knee replacements, and the knee that prompted the first was not, on X-rays, nearly as bad as the second. And I have low pain tolerance.
It’s easy for me to say, but don’t worry.
I will try. Thank you!
We endure the risks to ourselves much more easily than those to our loved ones. You are a good daughter, Rachel. ❤
Thank you!!!
Get well soon. My mother and sister both had hip surgeries. A ‘pain’.
Thank you! I hope they’re both doing well.
How wonderful that the surgery can be done so promptly, and that the hospital is so organised and on top of things.
It’s wonderful!
Sending big hugs to you and your mom. Hope all goes well!
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Thank you!
Sending positive thoughts to you and your mom!
Thank you!
Wishing your Mom the best on her upcoming surgeries.
Art
Thank you!
How amazing the little munchkins, (in your case Ellie & Cricket), always know ones feelings and how comforting they can be. All the best and stay positive. I look forward to reading Yeshiva Girl and hope Izzy finds the meaning, beauty, depth, and wisdom of Judaism.
Thank you!
As I write a friend who had her hip replaced six weeks ago is downstairs vacuuming. I guess it really is a great operation and I hope and expect that your mom will do well with it. I know it is too much for you right now and I think focusing on the dogs would be just the tonic you need. Peace.
Thank you! The good outcome stories are so reassuring!
May Jesus bless and heal your mother and give you peace and comfort. God bless you.
Thank you!
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I hope all goes well.
Thank you!
hi and sorry I think my comment ended up on your next post. Good luck to both you and your mom. Strength and many blessings and speedy healing! All Good things 🙂
Thank you!!!!
My goodness. When it rains, it pours. I’m wishing all the best for your Mom and you!
Thank you!!!
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Speedy recovery to your mum. Take care, both of you.
Thank you!
Wishing your mom and you the best. Take care.
Thank you!
Sending wishes for a speedy and full recovery for your mom!!!!
Thank you!
You and I both share ongoing concern for our aging parents. At some point, I will have to say enough is enough and be prepared to face the consequences of my changed attitude. I guess hospice could eventually take care of that, By the way, I don’t fear COVID shots and have not seen anyone in my life. who have actually suffered from it.