I’m so disoriented. The synagogue school year ended and that means I can focus on my writing, so of course I’m at loose ends. Generally I need to spend a few weeks tying up those loose ends before I can find my footing, and maybe this is just the same as always, but it feels even looser than usual. My brain feels like a kaleidoscope, but the colored pieces of paper never land in any particular shape, they just keep swirling.
I’ve started six or seven blog posts in the past few days and each one has ended with balled up paper in the garbage can (yes, I still write longhand on legal pads). I’m not quite sure why each essay self-destructs, sometimes it’s because I thought I had a new idea and two pages in I realize I’ve said it all before, and sometimes I get two paragraphs in and realize I really don’t want to look in that particular dark corner right now. Part of it is probably that I have a very long to-do list for the summer and I can’t figure out what to focus on first, or why. But really, I can’t focus at all. Usually, when I’m writing an essay I feel like I can find an invisible container for it in my head, and with palpable edges, so that I can write and edit within that general area, without feeling too overwhelmed.
But suddenly there are no available containers, or I forgot how to create one, because I feel like I’m just aimlessly writing words on a page, and I can’t sense the parameters of the idea, and the sentences just go on without shape or purpose. And if I can’t shape an essay, how can I even imagine shaping a novel, which requires a container bigger than anything else.
I know I’ve felt this way before, but I don’t remember when, or why, or how I got out of it.
I feel like I need to prepare for the next school year right now and solve every problem that came up over the past school year in order to think clearly, but I’m also taking another online Hebrew class, and going to new doctors, and planning for another oral surgery, and I feel like I should get back on track with seeing the eye doctor and foot doctor and dermatologist, which I’ve been putting off as non-essential for the past few years. And I have a pile of books that I’ve read over the past year, filled with little pieces of paper marking sections I want to read over and take notes on, and I have a new pile of books to mark up, and I need to get back on track with exercise, and go to choir practices to prepare for the high holidays, again, and I want to keep up with blog posts and therapy appointments, and all of that seems to come before working on the novels I expected to have finished by now.
I can feel the looseness coming over me right now, and with it the desire to rip up pages, but I can’t keep writing and ripping and writing and ripping all the time. I need to land somewhere, so I am forcing myself to keep writing this essay, even if I can’t imagine the shape it will ultimately take. I am not comfortable in this state of mind, but I have to keep persisting and doing the work and writing the sentences I can write, until the shape and texture and purpose of the essay comes into being, or else I’ll never be able to move on to the bigger projects that are swirling in my brain.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
Please check out a song called Bo Ruach Elohim.. I just love it. We all need to be refreshed at times. (hugs)
Oh goodness! I’ve suffered choice overload and paralysis more often than I care to admit. So far, you seem to be on the right track by enumerating your obligations and to-do-list. Tapping out your blog post and publishing it gives you some momentum while you prioritize items and put others on the back burner. Meanwhile a well-deserved hiatus might be in order for awhile, too. Do what your heart says is best.
Thank you!
One day at a time.You will get it done.
I will. Thank you!
I feel relieved to hear I am not the only one that has these problems while feeling so sorry that you are having them! Please try to be gentle with yourself. My other advice is to not ball up or tear up what you write. Just turn the page or maybe make one slash across the paragraph. Later you might come back to it and find it is not so bad after all.
You’re right. Thank you!
Point form. Prioritize. One step at a time.
I would say your words took on beautiful shape. You just needed to keep writing. Hold the ripping. 🙂
Thank you so much!
You are overwhelmed. I sometimes feel that way with far fewer obligations or goals than you have. My father called the experience “being nibbled to death by ducks.” I find that if I can do Just One Thing, sometimes that helps. I also like to “clear the decks” by taking care of a lot of small things that are just distractions before attempting a larger project. For a long time I was successful in clustering medical appointments in August; now, unfortunately, they seem to be hurdles year-round, though I do schedule as many as possible on Mondays, just to make them more predictable. I’m sure you’re much more organized than I am, though.
I definitely feel like I’m being nibbled to death by ducks, though there are a few bigger bites too. It helps to know I’m not alone.
It’s a weird feeling when you arrive at a point in the calendar when time is available, yet choosing what to do is difficult.
Definitely.
I understood just how you feel by reading this post, Rachel. You did great. Cross that off your to-do list: explain how I’m feeling right now. ✔ Done! One thing at a time and if something doesn’t get done–maybe it’s not all that important. ❤
I love that! Thank you!
Lots of good suggestions from our friends. Just take it easy, Rachel. You are a great writer.
Thank you!
Your writing is just fine! Deep breaths. Make a to-do list and then give yourself a pat on the back whenever you tackle any of the items. We can all only do one or two things at a time. 🤗
I will try! Thank you!
I can relate. Writing is hard and inspiration comes and goes (mostly goes!) As with other competing things to be done, I’m learning to do a little at a time; it all adds up. And honestly I had to laugh over ”peemail” communication. Made your essay work for me! 😊
Thank you!
I know exactly how you feel, and also that you know the only possible solution. We just can’t give up. When we feel so disoriented and uneasy in our own skin, we just have to hang in there. Cliché, yes, but true.
I will. Thank you!
Wow. You exhaust me!
So sorry!
😉
This post is excellent so I’m glad you skipped the ripping it up step. My blog has been neglected for far too long because I’ve also felt a looseness. Maybe the fact you pressed on to produce a post will give me inspiration.
I hope so!
Sending you big hugs
(.づ◡﹏◡)づ. (.づ◡﹏◡)づ.
Thank you!
We’ve all been there, Rachel. I will echo what others have said and what my daughter says to me all the time: Be kind to yourself!
I will try. Thank you!
I am feeling a bit like this too, Rachel. We just ended our school year, and we’re starting week 3 off and my brain is still gobbledegook. I keep waiting for the clarity to come back….I avoided making any lists this summer because I never can get everything completed and then I feel bad about it. Just winging it this summer. I hope you can decompress and relax soon!
Me too! Thank you!
Be of good cheer. According to Flannery O’connor we write because we don’t know what we think until we read what we say so keep believing, keep writing, you already have the words in your brain. Set them free. Onward.
I love that!
When overwhelmed with too much on my to do list, I remember Anne Lamott’s words when her brother procrastinated writing a report on birds, waiting until the day before to get it done. How did he do it? Bird by bird. Don’t stress! It always gets done. 💗
I love that book!!!!
Sometimes I find that when I am overwhelmed like that I am avoiding a deep feeling that needs accepting but I would rather stay overwhelmed. That sounds odd, but it is my own experience.
So interesting! I’ll have to think about that. Thank you!
You are welcome. So many of my “worst” traits are just trying to protect me.
I can relate — the teacher calendar is off-putting, but I’ve stopped teaching in a NYC school now, so I know I won’t have to fill my summer days with Professional Development and doctor appointments. I find signing up for something regular and daily helps structure my day, so I don’t feel so at loose ends!
Sounds good!
Whew! Just reading your enumerated to-do list was exhausting. I hope you’ll elevate the medical stuff; it sounds important.
Definitely!
You are such a good teacher and put so much effort into your classes and your students – no wonder you feel at loose ends at the moment. It will pass. Jesus, please guide Rachel and help her find her perfect place in your will and plan and help her stop spinning and come to rest in You. Thank You, Jesus, Amen.
Thank you!