As if things around here haven’t been dramatic enough, Mom finally went to see a new orthopedist in November, to check on the pain in her left leg, and the new doctor confirmed that the left hip is now at the bone on bone stage and needs to be replaced, like, now.
I keep having flashbacks to two summers ago when Mom had her right hip replaced, and ended up needing a second surgery six weeks later to fix the mistakes of the first surgery, and then had to be hospitalized again a few weeks later when fluid filled her lungs as a result of the two anesthesias. I spent that whole summer feeling like the world was crashing down, and now, after losing two dogs in two months and with Mom going in for surgery again, my existential dread is back in the danger zone.
And then came Covid.
The day before Ellie died, Mom and I went for our yearly Covid shots and quickly forgot about them in our grief. Within a week I had what I thought was a cold, and it made sense to me that I would get sick given how awful I felt at losing Ellie, so I didn’t question it. Though I do remember thinking, huh, this is the first cold I’ve had since before the whole Covid thing started.
When I finally had the energy to go out and do my chores I wore a KN95 face mask, thinking I just didn’t want to spread what was left of my cold. I went to the drug store and did some food shopping, and then I went home to take five naps. The symptoms of the cold (sneezing and coughing and nausea and feeling like my limbs were about to fall off) seemed to be over, but I still thought I should wear my mask when I went to teach the kids, just in case.
I’ve been organizing things around the living room, since Ellie’s death, so when I got home from teaching that day and was too tired to move from the couch, my eye caught on a box of Covid home tests across the room and I thought, huh, maybe I should just check. I don’t know why this thought didn’t occur to me before I went out, but it didn’t. Honestly, I’d taken so many tests over the past few years, each time I had a bad allergy day or heard about someone who’d gotten Covid, and the tests had always been negative, so it just seemed like a science experiment, and a way to use up the leftover home tests now that they were a month or two out of date.
I took the test, and it was positive. So I took another test, and it was positive too. Then Mom took a test and she was positive too, and I felt like shit. I wrote to my boss to let her know I had Covid, expecting her to be in a rage that I’d been so stupid to not think of taking the tests before coming to work, but, of course, she was kind and just asked how I was feeling and what she should teach when she subbed for my class.
I have never missed work since I started this job. It’s a very part time job, so that’s probably not as big of an achievement as it seems, but to me it’s a big deal, because I am often very, very tired and I always impress myself when I get up and out and actually manage to drive safely and even teach. I had on my KN95 mask for the two hours I’d been at school with the kids, and most of my symptoms were already gone, so, fingers crossed, I didn’t get anyone sick. But even knowing all of that, I felt like a mass murderer (I’ve been watching the news a lot, and the way the world seems to think every Jew is killing people just by being Jewish has hit me hard. My father made it clear that, as a female, I was the cause of all evil in the world, and now large swaths of the world seem to think that being born Jewish makes me the cause of all evil too, so…I’m feeling it).
I don’t know where I got Covid from, and the fact that I gave it to Mom, who was already suffering with her hip pain, just sucks. But we spent the next few days at home, rescheduling Mom’s pre-op testing appointments, and hoping for the best.
And now that we’ve both been feeling better, at least Covid-wise, I’m back to grieving for Ellie, and being consumed by the news about Israel, and worrying about all of the doctors’ appointments coming up, and having nightmares about what will happen during the surgery, and after.
In normal, and even not so normal times, Mom does everything she can to make things easier for me, often too much. But she won’t be able to help with anything for a while – not cooking or cleaning, certainly not errands and laundry and food shopping; and there’s no dog to help lift my spirits and put things in perspective, and it’s so dark and it’s getting cold and the world is such a scary place and…
I know I’m supposed to be an adult, with all kinds of inner resources and strengths to manage things like this, and I’m doing my best, watching as many Christmas movies as possible to distract myself, and taking each challenge one at a time, but I’m not okay. I want Ellie back and I want Mom to be healthy and I want the war to be over. Now.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
Good grief! You sure have been through the wringer. Hoping for an easier time to come for you.
Thank you!
I hope your mother’s hip surgery goes smoothly and that the Covid infections have no repurcussions. Be well. Yes, the world is a more scary place lately. We all hope for a peaceful resolution to the Gaza conflict ASAP.
Thank you!
I know we are not anywhere near the same as the near-constant companionship, love, and support that you, Ellie, and Cricket shared, but I see all the comments and likes on your blog, and I know I look forward to your posts and want to know how things are — I just hope you realize there are so, so many people who care about you, even in our virtual ways, especially during this really difficult time you are in and are facing.
Thank you so much!
Prayers coming your way 🙏!
Thank you!
Oh, gosh, Rachel…! I am going to be positive (very poor Covid joke) and say things will go well. You will muster the strength to do whatever needs to be done. It doesn’t matter how they get done or how well they get done, just that they are done. Good enough is good enough. Amen. 💌
Thank you!
So sorry you are going through all this, Rachel. Yes! Watch Chrismas movies. And check out the Hanukkah ones as well. It is how I got through the results of the 2016 elections and still use Hallmark as my “tranquilizer.” By the way, my husband thought he had an allergy attack and landed up giving COVID to our son and two grandchildren. Talk about guilt!!!
There was a great Hanukkah movie last week called Round and Round. Totally recommend!
So sorry for all of that, Rachel! You are going through so much, and it’s so hard! You are still a shining light in the world, and we are lucky to have you. Love and blessings to you and your mom.
Thank you so much!
oh no, that’s a lot-so sorry
Thank you!
Can someone from synagogue help? Do they know of your mother’s impending surgery? That is kind of major surgery. Praying all goes well, her medical team are excellent. I have so little control over wars or what other people think, just know that as a precious Jewish person you are God’s chosen. The hell with what anyone else thinks. I miss Ellie too.
Thank you!
Those stuffies keeping Cricket’s and Ellie’s beds warm were heartrendingly tender and lovely to see. I have no words for what you and your Mother have been facing. It just isn’t fair. Baby steps will get you through one day at a time. I’m so sorry you both are dealing with these troubles. Take care and be gentle to yourself.
Thank you!
That’s too much! I hope things improve soon. Hang in there.
Thank you!
Be well
I’m trying my best!
All anyone can hope for
Oh, Rachel, this is just too much for one person to bear. I’m so sorry your challenges just don’t seem to stop. It’s hard enough when you have good health; the world is a hard place to live in these days. Your Mom will need your help after her surgery, so you’re going to have to rise to the occasion. (My husband and I have both had hip replacements, in June and Sept, so I know the first few weeks are tough.) I hope you can get some help yourself. The #1 rule is to be kind to yourself. ❤️
I’m working on it. Thank you!
I have no words…please take care of yourself.
I will. Thank you!
I’m so sorry and I hope you’re feeling better. It seems like this would be a really good time to get a puppy. You’d have a little one to lift your spirits and you’ll be home quite a bit with your mom having the surgery. When I lost my dog at fifteen I was terribly distressed. Took me seventy four days to find a beagle puppy in my city. I missed my dog that passed away terribly but having the puppy did help to ease some of the pain. You’ll be home a lot taking care of your mom, and that would be a good thing. Hugs from sacramento.
Thank you!
Sometimes things just seem to pile up. Yes, your mother’s health is upsetting to you, but your job is to support her, not try to cure her or take on all her problems. Be there for her and help her and love her. That’s all you need to do. Ellie’s passing will be an ache for a long time, but try to focus on good memories. The rest of the chaos in the world is not for us to take on. Just know that we are not all crazy, uninformed fanatics with mob mentalities. There is still a lot of good in the world and many of the more sensible people don’t mirror the negativity you see in the news. There is more good than bad, but the bad ones are louder and in our faces. It doesn’t make them right.
It’s so hard to remember that, but I’m trying. Thank you!
I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you well.
Thank you!
Holidays come with memories…that challenge us…with all the tips…it is better to keep a new little dog than to get lost in thoughts…occupation with something new dispels the dark clouds – nevertheless have a nice and peaceful Christmas or similar …best regards!
Thank you!
That’s a lot on your plate, Rachel. I know easier said than done, but take one day at a time, if you can. I am so very sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your mom too.
Thank you!
Hang in there, my friend! Sending healing thoughts, peace and big hugs to you and your mom (.づ◡﹏◡)づ. (.づ◡﹏◡)づ. (.づ◡﹏◡)づ. (.づ◡﹏◡)づ. (.づ◡﹏◡)づ.
Thank you!
That’s a lot. All you can do is take a deep breath and let yourself feel all of those emotions racing through you. You are handling all these challenges with strength and grace. Sending prayers and love to help see you through the next couple months.
Thank you!
Oh Rachel, I hope you’re feeling better! It seems like so many people have tested positive for Covid in past two weeks! I came back from Brooklyn and didn’t feel well but tested negative so I’ve somehow managed to dodge it but I am thinking it’s inevitable at some point. Make sure you ask for whatever help you need when your mom has her surgery. People like helping friends, it’s not a burden. If anything, you are actually showing them that you trust them to be there for you. Sending you hugs.
Thank you!
I’m hoping all the bad things stop soon.
Hoping you and your Mum recover from COVID-19 quickly and that your Mum can get her left hip sorted out quickly and without complications this time.
Thank you!
Life has a habit of piling on the stress and agony. Just after getting Ollie’s terminal diagnosis, I took my wife to the hospital yesterday and she has to have full knee replacement surgery in early 2024. Now we have two things to worry about, instead of one. Glad to hear your Covid smptoms are almost over, I remember it was exactly this time of year that we both had that in 2022, and it ruined both Christmas and New year.
Best wishes, Pete.
We seem to be living parallel lives. I hope things improve soon.
OMG Rachel, you have had enough problems for one year, I hope things start to go better for you and your mom. Kick that “Joe Btfsplk” out of your house and out of your life, you don’t need him around. I was just writing about such people this morning ~!
Thank you!
My hubby broke his hip and the mend didn’t so he had it replaced. Both times he had an epidural – so much safer than a general anesthetic. This was followed by lots of physio. Would this be possible for your Mum?
Last time they did an epidural and general anesthesia, but we haven’t heard yet about the plans this time. This doctor is planning a less invasive surgery with shorter recovery time, so hopefully things will play out as he has planned. Fingers crossed.
🤞
I hope your mom’s surgery goes smooth and that the war ends. I hope things get easier . I hope you continue to write and I hope cricket and Ellie are resting in peace together.
Me too! Thank you!
Get well soon, both of you. I hope your mum’s surgery goes well.
Thank you!
I’m so very sorry! Of course you’re not okay, you’ve got too much grief and uncertainty to deal with right now. Please take care of yourself as best you can, and hang in there…..Your blogging friends are here for you!
Thank you so much!
”
And then came Covid.
The day before Ellie died, Mom and I went for our yearly Covid shots…”
So sorry you’ve come down with COVID-cases seem to be on the rise here i Denver too. Feel better and know I’m sending positive healing thoughts and energy to you and your Mom.
Thank you!
Sending courage.You and your mom have been through so much.
Thank you!
Oh this is really tough. I hope both of you feel better soon. Hugs
Thank you!
Take care.
Noting things here Rachel
One, how you are somehow responsible for events in the world that you have no control over. That isn’t your gig, religion can too often be a scourge, as history has told and as we are seeing play out in real time to the saddest tragic of results. You can’t let it define you, even after a lifetime of such. It is just a part of who you are, but just a PART. You need to step outside of that. No, I am not a religious guy I will say now, a disclaimer. My Dad felt faith to his toes but in the most giving selfless kind of way, as faith was intended, but me? Not so much. That time Dad invited Father Cosgrove over for dinner when I was in High School, without telling me and I was blindsided and judged at the kitchen table, what was previously the safest of places in the world or in college, my freshman year, when on what was supposed to be fun excursion with some new friends pre-school, Dave of the Christian Coalition (no, I didn’t know heading in), the leader, told me I was a bad person for thinking for myself and not just HIM.
Two, your dad sounds like he was a piece of work and I’m sorry for that, I can’t imagine.
Three, and to lighten things, I can’t get enough of Christmas movies this year for some reason, never have before, even with my ex and her son years ago (my bad on that). Yes, those cheesy Hallmark ones I wrote of in that post of mine (I will update before the big day in case anyone wants to take my recommendations before the air is let out of the season) but others. I am five Christmas movies in now with more to come until I watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” as I always do on Christmas Eve. The animated “Klaus” is fantastic by the way and the also animated “Merry Little Batman” (who knew Batman had a kid?)
Cheers new friend
Oh, surely not time yet, but puppies happen.
Thank you!
This year has been cruel for you. Will be good to see the end of it.
I may have to get some fireworks for new years, just to send this awful year on its way.
💓 I am praying for you and your Mom.
Thank you!
Everything seems to hit at once, there is no time to breathe, and just when you think you’ve got the edge, something else slaps you down. I am so sorry Rachel. You and your Mom are really going through it just now. I hope you both feel better soonest.
Thank you!
Thinking about you and your mom. Sending healing thougths.
Thank you!
When it rains, it pours! I’m so sorry that so much is getting difficult all at once. And you have to do it all without the emotional support of your dogs. That sounds very, very hard.
Thank you!
Remember that you are not given more than you can bare…even though it feels like you can’t. You are stronger than you think.
But what if I’m not?
Then you will need to get help. But I believe in you, Rachel. You have already had to handle so much in your life.
Thank you!
Oh how terrible that everything is happening to you at once! You may not believe me, but you did not necessarily give Covid to your mother. She could very possibly gotten it when she went to the doctor to get the bad news about her hip. You have been through so much, with strikes against you due to your horrible father and mental problems. However, you have come through them all and you will weather this. I only wish I could do more to help. I could send you a prayer shawl or Afghan.
Thank you!
I am so sorry you are going through all of this…my heart goes out to everyone affected by these challenging times. I pray that all the ugliness that is being aired on television and on the streets of our cities will end and that we can dig deep into our faith in God, knowing that He will carry us through.
Thank you!
“Enough is enough” I say. I am so sorry. I feel your pain when the world seems to be crashing down. You will get through this, I have faith in you.
Thank you!
Oh Rachel…i hope things start going smoothly for you.
Wishing you Peace, Love, Comfort, & Healing! ❤️🩹
Thank you!
I am so very sorry for what you are going through, Rachel. I know you’re still grieving the loss of Cricket and Ellie, which seems unimaginable. And now your mom has to have surgery—but at least she’s been through it before, and the doctors know now to avoid any complications. She will be in good hands. My thoughts go out to you and your mom. And re: Covid—it sounds like you were being very, very careful around others (much more so than most folks). Sending positive vibes your way. Stay strong, and may your pups’ memory be for blessing.
Thank you so much!
Our situations have more in common than you might realize, so I can really identify with what you are writing about. I think we will both surprise ourselves with what inner strength we have. Plus, it is easier to be strong for someone else. Your mom needs you, and you are going to be a stellar nurse and support person for her!
If you ever want to talk, please feel free to reach out to me.
Thank you so much!
You’ve a lot on your plate Rachel, and too much worry in your brain. One thing at at time…you’ll get there.
Thank you!
Wishing you peace in you heart
Thank you!
I’m sorry everything is going wrong. I hope things get better.
My gosh! I am sorry you are going through so much pain, physically and emotionally. You have had, and do have, a lot to bear. I hope you can find some peaceful moments. -Lorri
In response to that part of you having felt like a mass murderer after watching the news a lot and how the world seems to think, I hope you at least take a break from watching a lot of that especially since a lot of news is (and often seems like it’s going to be) depressing, overwhelming/too much. Still thinking of sweet Ellie, I’m rooting for you and for your mom to be healthy and for the war to end now.