You might remember that a while back I decided to set out a trail of treats for Tzipporah, to encourage her to spend more time in my room. Well now, multiple times during the day and night, Tzipporah sneaks into my room like a phantom, ignoring me completely, looking for her trail of treats; even after she’s eaten all of the treats I’ve carefully placed around the room, she comes back again and again, hoping, expecting, that new treats will have sprouted from the floor. But even though she had a traumatic early life in the puppy mill, I’m pretty sure she’s not living a double life as a murderous phantom taking out her trauma on unsuspecting victims, though one can never be sure.
I wish I could convince her that I am friendly and harmless, but I’m also the one who insists on cleaning her tushy when she has an accident, and combs through her hair when she has knots, so she has legitimate reasons for doubt. But even though she doesn’t play with me, or sing at me, like she does with her grandma, she does watch me carefully and sit by my side at the computer, so even if I’m scary, I seem to be fascinating too, which is nice.
She sat with me this summer while I sent out my query letters to potential agents, and while I collected the rejections; and she sat with me as I watched The Rachel Maddow Show each Monday night, and tried to believe her when she said that we can survive the current situation in the United States; and Tzippy was with me when I found out that The Late Show with Stephen Colbert got cancelled (though the show isn’t over until next May, so there’s still some comfort left); and she was with me while I watched the news of the Catholic school shooting in Minnesota, which felt dangerously close to home because I teach in a synagogue that has been under threat for years now, with ever increasing security measures as antisemitism and violence in general have continued to grow.
I’ve been overwhelmed with anxiety this summer, from every direction, but the biggest anxiety seems to come up around planning and packing for my trip to Israel in November. Somehow, I’ve become obsessed with the fear that I’m going to overpack and have my suitcases taken away at the airport, or that I’ll forget to pack something essential that can’t be bought in Israel, though I have no idea what that might be. But my automatic response, when it feels like there are too many things outside of my control, is to try to control the little things, like making sure I have everything I could possibly need for the trip, which means I’ve been spending a lot of time scrolling through Amazon, looking for things I definitely need but have never heard of before.
Now that September has arrived, I’m going to have less time to spend on Amazon, and focus more of my energy on my students, and trying to come up with ways to make my classroom fun and welcoming, so we can keep the world at bay for a couple of hours at a time. I wish I could bring Tzipporah with me to class, but her anxiety skyrockets as soon as she leaves the apartment.
When I think about it, I’m not sure if Tzipporah is the Phantom of the apartment, or if I am, or if there’s some invisible threat that we both feel radiating from the world around us. I’m not even sure if I’m really more anxious than usual, or if there are just so many more echoes of my anxiety in the world around me that it all seems louder and more pervasive.
There was one nice break from the anxiety last week. The weather was nice enough that I was able to take Tzipporah outside to socialize with the neighbors, and Kevin the mini-Goldendoodle did his best to reassure her that he’s a nice boy and only wanted to sniff her nose and invite her to play. She wasn’t any more convinced by him than by me, at the beginning, but by the end of the visit she had relaxed on my lap, and stopped shaking, and she was able to watch Kevin run across the lawn chasing his favorite ball. It was only a few moments, but it was progress, though I’m pretty sure Tzippy’s favorite part of the outing was when we returned to the apartment, and she ran straight to her bed, and, magically, found a chicken treat sitting there waiting for her. That apartment phantom knows my little girl very well.
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rachelmankowitz 
If I didn’t know better, it almost seems as if Tzipporah is trying to train you. 😉
She totally is, and she’s good at it!
There’s a lot to worry about these days! Relish every good moment, and i’m happy to hear that Tzipphora is making progress; it won’t always happen in a straight line. But it will happen. 🙂
Thank you!
Tzipporah is such an adorable little pup. That is so awful the trauma she went through at the puppy mill, so I guess she doesn’t know what to think. The fact that she relaxed in your lap with her almost-boyfriend around is encouraging. She loves you, Rachel. She is just going to take a little time. But the love is definitely there. ❤️
I’m starting to believe that too! Thank you!
Really Mom? Kevin again? He’s always in my nose … but ok, he’s not that bad, wouldn’t push me down and point at me, but only if you protect me … Hey!! don’t get all full of yourself … freakin’ protector’s always wanting to be friends too … and have you met the phantom yet? Seems nice … leaves me treats … Hey! Kevin!! that ain’t my nose!!
Luckily, Kevin is a real gentleman and keeps his nose to himself.
She relaxed in your lap! That is a positive sign! 💜
I hope so! Thank you!
Dear Tzipporah, is there a way I can get the chicken treat fairy to visit me too? ❤️ Murphy
Sad puppy dog eyes work really, really well, Murphy! Good luck!
Sending hugs to both you and Tzipporah, Rachel.
Thank you!
A beautifully layered post… equal parts tender, anxious, humorous, and deeply real. I love how Tzipporah becomes both your phantom and your anchor, slipping through the story as a quiet mirror to your own inner world.🙏
Thank you so much!
This is a beautiful and deeply moving glimpse into your world. The way you weave Tzipporah’s journey with your own anxieties—the writing, the news, the trip planning, the teaching—is powerful. It makes the love and the fear so palpable. Thank you for sharing this. Wishing you and Tzipporah many more moments of quiet progress.
Thank you so much!
You are doing so well with Tzippy, and she is working her magic on you as well. Beautiful!
Thank you! She really is finding her magical side!
It’s an honor to watch her open up. Thank you for sharing her. You are doing a great thing.
Thank you so much!
Baby steps for both of you
Yep. Perfect speed for both of us, it seems.
😎
How lovely being rewarded in cheese
I prefer chocolate, but that’s just me.
Either one is good
💙
Maybe Tzipporah needs her own support animal! She is a cutie. Glad you have each other.
Thank you! I’ve been wondering the same, but I’m not sure how she’d react to having o share her treats.
Israel in November? Somehow I missed that you had made the commitment. Congratulations. Packing is important, but it is also important to remember that you can get most anything there that you need (except maybe medication prescribed for you). I am happy you made the commitment and look forward to the trip for you.
Thank you!!!
We also think you’re fascinating.
Thank you!!!!!!!!
Awe I don’t know Rachel, it sounds like progress with Tzippy. Can’t expect every dog to have the same temperement, also were your other dogs puppymill rescues or just this dog ?
Butterfly was rescued from a puppy mill, Ellie was retired from a home breeder, and Cricket came to us as a baby.
Was butterfly just as challenging ?
No. She had Cricket, for one, and she was outgoing by nature. She would go off on her own sometimes, and shut down sometimes, but whereas Tzipporah tolerated being adopted, Butterfly called out to me to get me to take her home. Very different souls.
Yeah thats like our cat, he didn’t come to.us in our adoption of him. He hid but we still took him. He definitely has anxiety issues.
It seems you are growing on her. She watches you even when there aren’t treats and sits on your lap watching the world go by. Sound like progress on one of your parts.
I hope so!
Oh and I forgot – you will definitely forget to pack something and stress yourself out trying to find it, and then find out on the last day there you really didn’t need it. At least that’s the one constant to all my trips anywhere!
Ha! I can’t decide if that’s reassuring or not.
Reassuring for you. For me, the jury is still out. 😃
A few things i found comforting, traveling to Israel, they have their own ticket and gate agents in the US for El Al. There are no complicated or humiliating arrival/ departure hoops to jump through. As you likely know IDF check passports and bags, just by looking at you. Well trained. You’ll be fine.
I know, intellectually, that everything will be fine. But my imagination runs rampant.
I hope your upcoming trip brings you great joy. Maybe you can “forget” to pack your anxiety. ❤
That would be wonderful!!!!!
You’re going to be busy, excited and anxious all at once! Tzipporah might pick up on that, but she seems to be ‘getting to know you’ in her own way.
I’m really curious to see how she reacts to me being away. Will she be happy to see me when I return, or resent me invading her space again?
I’m sure she’ll be fine. Maya looked for Hubby when he was in hospital and stayed outside by the gate. Since he’s been home, she hasn’t been far from his side.
We’re looking after a friend’s jack russell later this week for a couple of days. I shall sleep at their house as she sleeps on the bed and whilst I have no problem with that, if she jumped off and landed on Maya who sleeps by the side of the bed, it could be a punch up in the middle of the night. The dogs get on otherwise so during the day should be fine. She knows us, so it shouldn’t be too traumatic while her mummy and daddy are away.
I remember dog sitting for a good friend, and her dog cried for a while the first night, and then found his place and fit right in.
We had Kela for a week on two occasions and she was fine. The first we’d only just lost Maggie, and the second was shortly after we got Maya, but we had no problems. I’m happy to sleep in their house as it will be better for their dog, but during the day we’ll have her with us.
This is a time of high anxiety everywhere, it seems. I’m sure whatever you may forget to bring will be available in Israel. As to Tzipporah, she obviously trusts you enough to sit on your lap when a furry stranger closes in. I wonder if you were to do breathing exercises when she’s with you might help relax you both. Perhaps it’s worth trying.
I actually did do breathing exercises with her, without planning to, but she just stared at me wondering what I was doing.
Tzippy is slowly, very slowly, making progress. And shhhh, please don’t let my dogs know that she gets treats left in her kennel. They’ll spend all day going back and forth to their kennel!
I won’t tell!
Lovely to read about Tzippy’s small triumph. She is certainly looking good; probably all those yummy treats the Phantom keeps leaving her.
All the best to you. Your work is not for the feint hearted.
Thank you!
I’m afraid to see any news reports or open a “breaking news” email lately. They’re so frequent and generally disturbing that it’s hard to keep up or they’re superfluous and annoying. I am really sad to be losing Stephen Colbert but since I moved over the summer I didn’t get cable and haven’t figured out what I really want for TV anyway so this made it easy not to have anything. I mostly watch him on YouTube or Instagram and that seems to work.
Tzipporah, like all pups has such a wonderful personality and a way of being completely endearing. I’m happy you two are finding your way around each other.
It’s amazing how much we can get on Youtube!
It is slow progress, but it is progress. If she goes to your lap when the other dog scares her, she is trusting you. Keep up the good work, you two!
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Thank you!
I’ve always traveled light. And one of the benefits has been that I discover new alternatives to the things I’m used to. Found some real gems along the way – and loved that I was “forced” to explore and learn. Hope you have a safe and enjoyable trip!
Thank you!
It’s interesting to me how pets often mirror the behavior of their owners in the present moment.
Tzippy is very observant, it’s true.
And what kind of person does your pet observe, Rachel?
I’m not sure. She’s still studying me very carefully and has not yet submitted her thesis.