For a long time now, I’ve attended most of the Friday night services at my synagogue online. At least last year I had to go in person once a month to teach, but our program changed and I no longer teach on Friday nights, so even those services have been lost. Part of the change is physical: I’m just so tired by the end of the day, and at the beginning, and in the middle. One small trip to the grocery store wipes me out so much that I need a three-hour nap just to recover. After that, I can’t even fathom taking a shower and getting dressed to go to synagogue, not even when one of my former students is marking their b’nei mitzvah, despite the promise I made to myself that I would go to every Friday night service for every student who’d ever been in my class.
I’ve always been tired, and I’ve always been in pain, but still, something has shifted.
Maybe it happened when our senior rabbi cut down to a quarter time, and started to show signs of age, so that even when he’s there and vibrant and funny and inspiring, there’s still this underlying sense of doom and grief, as if a clock is ticking in the background.
Maybe it happened when I started taking weight loss medication, and something in the mechanism that cuts my appetite also cut into my ability to enjoy the rest of my life.
Maybe all of the antisemitism that’s been unleashed since October 7th has finally pulled me under, because it doesn’t feel temporary anymore. After the ceasefire, it doesn’t feel like something with a cause and effect anymore. It feels endemic.
Maybe it’s all of the rejection, after sending my writing out for so many years, with no idea why I’m not what anyone’s looking for.
I still had some sense of energy last spring – I can vaguely remember what it felt like – when I started to plan the Israel trip, and started researching agents for the new book. I even felt hopeful, and brave, and willing to push through the hard tasks and difficult feelings to get to the good stuff on the other side.
My hope is that the current malaise is a side effect of my travel anxiety, and once I get to Israel and the anxiety can disperse, I’ll find the rest of my feelings, and I will feel brave again. But I miss the feeling of hope that pushed me to start going to Friday night services in person way back when, and to make the effort to talk to new people and to sing and to speak up. I miss the feeling that I was building up to something, creating something that would continue to grow and bring me joy and comfort.
Maybe I just need to recommit to the practice of going to services on Friday nights, forcing myself out of the house no matter how tired I am, the way I used to do before zoom services were a thing. I don’t know. Maybe spending a shabbat in Israel will wake something up in me that has been on pause for a while, and I’ll be ready to make more of an effort once I get back home. That would be something to look forward to.
(I’ll be away from the blog for the next couple of weeks, but hopefully I will have a lot to share when I return. Fingers crossed!)
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
Hoping the planned journey rejuvenates you as you travel and your eyes and ears and body experience something you’ve been longing for.
Thank you!!!!
I hope you find time to rest and energize. As you mention, perhaps the stay in Israel will jumpstart your verve.
Fingers crossed!!!
I hope getting away from what is going on here will be a blessing for you. Enjoy the trip, Rachel. Looking forward to seeing you when you get back! ✈️
Thank you!!!
Wishing you a wonderful, insightful and restorative trip, Rachel. Relax and enjoy. 😊
Thank you!!!
I will be anticipating your impressions and experiences from there. Fair winds and calm seas, friend.
Thank you!
I wish you well for your trip to Israel
Jennifer Website and blog: https://www.jenniferbarraclough.com
Thank you!
I’ll put good odds that your trip rekindles what you find missing. Good luck on it! I’ll be anxiously waiting those stories
I hope you’re right!!!Thank you!
I hope the trip to Israel revives you. Fingers crossed.
Thank you!
You got a lot on your plate, Rachel. And oftentimes some medications, pain and weariness can enhance the negative sides of everyday living. My prayers are with you, lady. Want to imagine you smiling more about your life. Make the best of your days.
Art
Thank you!
Safe and joyful travels to you.
Thank you!
This was such an honest and heartfelt reflection. I really admire your openness and the hope that still shines through your words. Wishing you renewed energy and inspiration on your trip may it bring you peace and joy.
Thank you!
I have also felt that tiredness before, Rachel. I pray you find that thing that rekindles the fire inside you.
Thank you!
Do hope the lure of Israel and the actuality all provide enough of a boost to get you going. Good luck.
Thank you!
Anxiety and pain can be so energy draining, to say nothing of what a busy life can do. Your trip should be a time for YOU.
Thank you!
Enjoy your trip. I’m sure we’ll enjoy reading all about it on your return.
Thank you!
Wishing you a wonderful and inspiring trip!
Thank you!
Hope the trip brings the calm you need.
Thank you!
Fingers crossed.
Live within your limits but live well.
I will do my best. Thank you!
I hope you are restored and energised by the journey ahead. I have enjoyed reading your insights on life over many years and I’m looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Thank you so much!
Safe travels Rachel. Hugs and prayers for you.
Thank you!
I can relate! I have autoimmune disease-related fatigue. Even infusions don’t cure that. Tiredness, combined with a very avoidant personality, makes leaving the house a challenge at times.
Fingers crossed the tiredness will be held somewhat at bay.
May your Israel trip be all that you hope with a renewed energy when you return. Have a good time and be safe
Thank you!!!!
As I am sure you know, Rachel, worship — whatever form it takes, and wherever it takes place — is not for our sakes. It is an act of reverence for God, acknowledging His holiness. I hope and pray that He restores your strength and uplifts your spirit. ❤
Thank you!
Prayers for rejuvenation of body and spirit, Rachel. I hope your trip to Israel is amazing!
Thank you!
Safe travels!
Thank you!
I wish you a good trip, with renewed energy during and after, when you get home.
Thank you!
Safe travels, Rachel.
I hope the trip rejuvenates you. I look forward to reading about it when you return.
Thank you!
I hope the trip is everything you hope for in body, mind, and spirit.
Safe travels.
Thank you!
Good wishes to you.
Thank you!
Dear Rachel, enjoy your trip.
Thank you!
Have a safe and enjoyable adventure!
Thank you!
Anxiety and stress can do a lot of things to us. I’m hoping that once your plane touches down in Israel you’ll feel as if a weight were removed from your shoulders and you’ll feel reinvigorated, both physically and spiritually.
Thank you!
Just wanted you to know I moved Reiko’s blog back over to WordPress. It’s here: https://reikos-journey.blog/
So good to see you back!
Have a wonderful, soul-uplifting trip, Rachel. I think you will return with a sense of renewed hope. That’s my wish for you. Hope makes everything else possible. Safe travels!
Thank you!
Safe travels and I hope you find your feelings, inspiration and joy in beautiful Israel ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you!
Lord Jesus, please touch Rachel and give her Your energy and strength. Please take away her fatigue and renew her energy. Restore her joy. Thank You, Jesus, Amen,
Dear Rachel, my heart goes with you. I hope you find the energy and joy that you so richly deserve. I love everything you write—and I know there are many more readers in this world that also appreciate and admire your work. Don’t give up!
Thank you so much!