There are so many books on my bedside table waiting to be read, and notebooks filled with half-finished stories, and a pile of descriptions of classes I might want to take, and random pieces of ripped out notebook paper everywhere. I feel like I’m swimming in unfinished thoughts. My year of rejections has also continued unabated, even though I was sure this was the novel that would break through. And my health is still what it is, despite all of the doctor visits and medication trials and weight loss. I keep thinking that if I could just have a time out, I’d be able to catch up with my to-do list, but when I do have time, I spend most of it playing games on my phone or watching YouTube videos, because I can’t concentrate on anything more complicated than that.
This school year has been especially hard, because no matter what I try, I am no match for my current group of students. We get our lessons done, but it feels like I’m doing battle with an army of court jesters each time, and I need days to recover before I can think straight, let alone focus on my to-do list. I’ve been questioning everything about teaching this year, questioning whether I have any talent for it, or if I can learn the skills I’d need to learn to get better, or if I even want to bother anymore. I feel like I’m hitting a wall, but I don’t know if I should push through it in the hopes that a breakthrough is coming, or if I should try to pivot to something else. And if so, what?
Either way, I need to be able to write more each day, because there are so many projects screaming for my attention, and collecting rejection letters is too overwhelming without an ongoing writing project to give me hope. The problem is that I struggle with the transition from teaching to writing, and from one writing project to another, both because I don’t feel confident that I’m doing anything right and because I keep placing the voice of authority outside of myself, but not consistently in the same place. From the outside, it may seem obvious what I should do and who I should be, but from the inside I feel like a blur, like I can’t get a grip on who I am, what I’m good at, what I need to do, or what I want to do. There are moments, very short ones, when I feel like I’m on the right track, but then I’m off spinning in another direction and feeling lost again.
I remember learning about Beginner’s Mind from Natalie Goldberg’s Zen-influenced books on writing, where she emphasized approaching each new experience with a lack of preconceptions, and I loved that idea because it made my self-doubt seem more like a value instead of flaw, as if I was choosing to approach the world with humility, even though it really wasn’t a choice. I wake up most days feeling like I’m starting from scratch, having to re-learn all of the lessons and make all of the choices all over again, as if yesterday never happened. And it’s exhausting.
I wish I could figure out how to cultivate something more like Expert’s Mind, or even Advanced Beginner’s Mind, and wake up each morning with a sense of confidence that I know what I’m doing, but I’m not there yet. To be fair, there are a couple of games on my phone that I’m getting pretty good at. So, there’s that.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
just bought your book. Will start after dinner!
Thank you so much! I hope you like it!
Beginners’s mind is a refreshing paradigm. One that is absent of the word “should”. It is the state of being compassionate to oneself.
I have to work on that part.
I empathize with you both about teaching and about rejection, and I hope for you to find your best answers. By the way, your photos and captions are absolutely perfect!
Thank you so much!
Rejection notices can be discouraging, especially when you think so well of submission. When that happens it helps to remember that it only takes one “yes” to make a difference. It’ll happen—having faith helps.
Thank you!!!!
An old boss of mine once said that whenever you feel overwhelmed with so many things pulling you in different directions, you should make a detailed list of all the stuff that’ needs attention, line up the tasks and then stop thinking about the length of the list and just start knocking the tasks down one by one. I know it sounds stupid when I write it out like that. but it works for me.
It sounds reasonable, just overwhelming.
Chia: Tzippy, how did you get my Lambie?
Rachel, that’s a difficult path you are walking – or maybe crawling – on. It almost sounds like depression….
It feels like depression too. I clearly need some Chia time to pick me back up.
Chia would definitely cheer you up (or drive you crazy). She’s never met a stranger. Everyone is her new best friend.
That sounds wonderful!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
When I first decided to write a book, I learned that most books fail. That’s the painful reality. Most sell an average of 150 copies (mostly to family, friends, and acquaintances), despite the talent and hard work of their authors. There is simply too much competition.
Fewer people read these days, even online. That the number of publishing houses has decreased is evidence this.
Self-publication is an option. But it requires ceaseless self-promotion via social media or otherwise.
I do not say this to discourage you, but rather to put your situation in perspective. Many great authors were not recognized as such in their day and age. A few of the masterworks not initially applauded were “Moby Dick” by Herman Melville, “The Sound and the Fury” by William Faulkner, “The Heart of Darkness” by Joseph Conrad, “Catch 22” by Joseph Heller, and “The Great Gatsby” by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Write because you love to write. Fame and fortune may or may not follow. That does not, however, mean you should not write.
I
Thank you!
Wow, Rachel. Girl, it sounds like you need a restful vacation. I’m sorry about the rejection. I know as well as anyone how much that hurts. But I can tell just from your posts that you are an excellent writer. Keep going. Write what brings YOU joy, even if it seems no one else appreciates it. Stories, like water, seek their own level and they will eventually find the people who can appreciate them 🙂
Thank you!
Sometimes just making it through the day is a great accomplishment.
I think you’re right. I’m collecting a lot of those accomplishments; just hoping they add up to something better.
I had a bankers box full of notes, bits and pieces of paper, typed and handwritten scraps, and a variety of pads and 3-hole binders– all about one story alone. Then one day my wife advised me to take all that stuff and organize it without touching any thing else. It took me 2 years to complete my barbarian fantasy novel, which never sold– but it did reach the eyes of my closest friends and relatives. I still have a pile of the same sort, only with short stories and poetry scraps, which I tend to time to time. Any of the finished works, which I’m not concerned about making money off of, I incorporate into my current blog selections. For the most part my fellow bloggers show most of the interest in my current poetry, artwork, and photos postings. Which is satisfactory enough. At least a lot of stuff is now out of my cauldron of boxes. Have a good one, Rachel.
Art
That sounds like a big accomplishment to me!
Natalie Goldberg is wonderful and if you have her in your corner she’s a powerful ally and resource and thank you for bringing her name back to me because now I know where I need to turn because it’s been too long. I can imagine those morning worries are very exhausting and I admire your resolve for pushing through them. Have you ever tried writing about that? The re-learning, the choices, questioning your teaching, your choices, etc.? By hand in a notebook like she suggests? “I’m thinking of…” and go for 10 minutes.
I will try! Thank you!
Phone and YouTube time need to be cut down – I know, because that’s exactly what I do. The news is never good and feels all consuming. I know you health issues, but do you walk? Or is there else physical you can do, just for several minutes a day, that will take your mind off distractions? It helps for me most the time.
Good luck with publication! Just because you’re being turned down does not mean your book isn’t worth publishing! You just have to keep plugging at it. I understand that’s not especially helpful, but there you are.
Thank you!
Sounds too familiar! There are plenty of projects and things to do… Time and energy is never enough. Creative processes end up in the shadow of everyday tasks…
Such a little Cutie!
Thank you!
“Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind” by Shunryu Suzuki has been one of the most inspiring/ influential books I’ve read. Approaching my work as a beginner was something I was really bad at as a beginner… but now that I’ve been practicing for years, I’m better at it, ha!
Ha! Love it!
I love it! Hugs
Thank you!
Many times, it doesn’t matter how YOU perceive your teaching day. The students are most likely learning way more than you know, it’s just difficult to see it all clearly from where you sit. Especially with “court jesters” who may not want to show any feeling that are not cool!
I hope you’re right!