My therapist says that I keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what, and she gives me an A for effort. She expects it of me, and she’s proud of me for it, but also disappointed, because my efforts never really seem to pay off. Most of the time I feel like Sisyphus, who was punished by the gods and forced to roll a boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, again and again for eternity. Sisyphus did the task each day. He didn’t just sit at the bottom of the hill and take a nap. But why not?
My dogs don’t mind pushing the same rock up the same hill every day, in fact, they seem to find new excitement in each trip outside, each stop at each leaf, each squirrel sighting. Cricket can put the same level of oomph into fighting me for extra treats every single day.
Cricket has a very big mouth.
Butterfly can fly!
“Leafies!!!!!!!!”
The thing is, the dogs don’t mind the repetition in their lives because their needs are met. Their rituals work for them and are productive and satisfying. Mine don’t work for me. I keep submitting queries to agents, and stories to magazines, and getting nowhere, and I feel like I deserve this, because I haven’t paid off my debt to the universe yet. I just don’t know how I managed to build up such a huge debt.
One of the boulders I push up the hill every day is pure physical pain. Well, pure is a misnomer, because there is always the underlying belief that I cause the pain myself, with my very powerful mind. I am not always in pain, or at least not always in a lot of pain. Some days I’m just aware of something in the background, a niggling doubt that I can really carry that laundry bag, or walk to the car, or dry my hair, without having to take a nap afterward. Do I go out to do the food shopping, or do I take the girls for a walk around the neighborhood? Because I can’t do both in the same day. Some weeks, I can’t do both in the same week. By the end of food shopping, sometimes I can’t stand up straight and my neck and shoulders and back feel like they’ve been hit with hammers.
If I take the dogs out walking long enough to wear Cricket out, I will come home feeling like the world is tilting and a fiery cleaver is embedded in my lower back. And this is something I actually want to do! Forget about the laundry, which I never want to do, or washing dishes, which is truly heinous, and can put me out of commission within five minutes. Why must sinks be so short?!
“Walkies?”
“How about we just sit here?”
Physical pain, though, only puts me to bed, where I can still read, or write, or sleep. It’s the emotional pain that takes the gloss right out of my life; it twists how I see and hear and taste and smell; it tells me that I earned this physical pain because I am bad and lazy and useless and disgusting; it tells me that I am Sisyphus and I earned this.
In our society we believe that people get the lives they deserve. If you are successful, it’s because you earned it. If you are a failure, well, you must not have tried very hard. Sisyphus had no choice about his life-long task, and in a way, that’s how I feel too. I have been sentenced to this fate because I can’t breathe without writing. I don’t believe it has been pre-determined by God or by an external authority, but it is so hard-wired into my nervous system that I can’t choose something else.
Do I have the option of attempting more accomplishable tasks? Yes. I take on other tasks all the time that are easier to complete. Maybe Sisyphus did this too. Maybe he learned a language, or listened to books on tape, or the equivalent, as he pushed the boulder up the hill. Maybe he didn’t even see his task as meaningless because the effort itself was satisfying. I don’t know.
Cricket doesn’t need to catch the squirrel in order to find the chase satisfying. She has never actually caught a squirrel, and it doesn’t seem to dim her excitement for the task. I wish I could be more like her. Maybe she understands that even if she caught the squirrel and lived out her dreams, she would still need to get up the next morning and eat and play and chase again in order to feel alive. Getting that boulder to the top of the hill wouldn’t really change anything.
“Hey, Cricket, what ya doin’ in there?”
rachelmankowitz 
Keep fighting the good fight…..and hug your dogs!
I will! Thank you!
That was great. Thanks Rachel.
Thank you!
This is one of the reasons I hate all those karma and positive thinking memes. They just perpetuate those ideas that we get what we deserve and that our pain is our own fault. Here’s hoping 2016 brings you better health, and also enough of a lottery win that you can hire someone to do the laundry and grocery shopping!
That would be awesome!
“Cricket doesn’t need to catch the squirrel in order to find the chase satisfying.” We should all be more like Cricket! Thank you for sharing such a personal side of yourself.
That makes sense to me!
Thanks for reading!
Life is so full of profound journeys….thanks for sharing yours. May your choices nurture your spirit.
Thank you!
I’d much rather hear about you than Sisyphus, your lives are far more interesting. He did not have Cricket, or Butterfly, so maybe you have an edge there. My worst thing? washing the bathtub.
How about washing the bathtub after washing the puppy dogs in the bathtub?
oh! all the hair…
Exactly!!!!!!
Sisyphus was punished for good reason, he was an immoral and duplicitous individual who showed tremendous disrespect to Zeus. YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE SISYPHUS!!!! I wish your doctors could figure out why you are in pain, the only caveat is that I don’t want you to get bad news, I am thinking along the lines of a vitamin deficiency, something easy. So you can go galloping with Cricket and Butterfly in the leaves. 😀
Galloping would be awesome!
It would be, wouldn’t it. 😀
I can’t remember how Sisyphus’s story ended–did the gods relent? I hope things let up for you—it sure doesn’t sound to me like you deserve those burdens, Rachel.
Thank you!
The pups are so cute!!! I am sorry you are having such a hard time, I hope you can find some relief. And yes, why exactly are sinks so short. Is the height of the sink based on a standard that was determined years ago?
I’m pretty sure they had Cricket in mind when they built the sink.
I can so relate to the physical as well as the emotional pain you experience. It’s very frustrating! *hug* I’m here if you need a shoulder!
Thank you!
You are a brilliant writer and I thoroughly enjoy reading each and every one of your posts. I wish I could write like you!! If only I was an agent or ran a magazine…
Keep up the great work 🙂
Thank you!!!!!!
Perhaps pushing that boulder up the hill again and again is the problem? Perhaps either a different boulder … or a different hill … will get a different result?
Your dogs don’t mind repetition because “their needs are met”. Their needs are much more basic than yours, but are yours perhaps more complex than necessary?
“People get what they deserve.” absolutely a wrong statement. Many people, through no fault of their own, are dealing with difficult circumstances. Many “crooks” are living carefree lives of luxury!
Just some thoughts.
Very helpful. Thank you!
Sorry to hear you’re in such physical and emotional pain. I’ve lived long enough to know that no, people don’t always get the life they deserve, and I think it’s appalling to make people who suffer believe it’s their fault.
As for Sisyphus, I guess one can argue that every living being has a boulder to carry an every life, even one that seems perfect, is a struggle.
I’ve read it long time ago, but as much as I can remember Albert Camus in “The Myth of Sisyphus” suggests that once Sisyphus acknowledges the absurdity of his situation, instead of accepting it passively, he frees himself by deciding to do this chore willingly and wholeheartedly: “One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”
I know – easier said then done, but still, it can give some comfort. 🙂
I think I must have read that a long time ago and the idea stuck with me. And it does offer comfort; more than I expected.
I don’t know about which you aspire to write, but you seem to do inspired work when you write about your two little “insects”.You already have your muses. Put your mind to it and you may not notice the physical pain.
I will do my best. Thank you!
Rachel,
I recommend going to writing workshops which have agents you can send materials to in advance and have sessions with them. This if nothing else creates network ties and demonstrates your determination. It took five years and three of these but it has worked for me to find a great agent.
Linda
Sounds like a good idea. Thank you!
You can just look up writing conferences online and they will let you know on their web pages which agents and editors (and their genres and recommended submissions) will be featured.
Thanks!
Rachel, NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER. Writing classes and workshops are a good idea. Writing is a continual learning process. There is nothing wrong with your writing. Have faith in yourself. You will make it.
Thank you!
Very well written and, for me personally, very timely. I feel very much this way right now emotionally and reading this truly put into words how I’m feeling. Sometimes just seeing it on paper (screen) helps me figure out what’s going on in my noggin so thanks for sharing. 🙂
With regards to dogs I’m becoming more convinced that they are just simply better creatures than we are. You’ll never meet a human as loyal as a family dog…sometimes I do think the joke is on us. I wonder if they sit around using dog language and discuss how to train us “silly humans” to stop pushing up boulders and just enjoy life. I know the reality of why we are different and the evolutionary biology in play but I think it’s just more fun to think that my dogs are secretly helping me get through rough patches in life. 🙂
Good luck to you and best wishes in the new year! Take care!
Thank you! I’ve seen my two dogs consulting on the sly about how to train me. They use different tactics on different people, because they know us so well!
Rachel,
Please consider writing and submitting a Wire Dog Story. Shouldn’t be too hard for such a driven writer with a pet like Cricket. They are imaginative stories about things we learn in life. If your story is suitable for children age 3-12 it will be published on wiredogstories.com and printed in Storybook 3 or 4 coming out soon. Don’t know who Wire Dog is? Well he is a little imaginary dog created by a 9 year old girl named Ellen when her parents wouldn’t let her have a real dog. (True story) Wire Dog Stories usually involve Ellen and her dog and teach a simple life lesson or entertain in an innocent sort of way. Read a few online and you will soon understand. Ellen wrote the first one, then I wrote a few, now submissions are coming in from writers and illustrators all over the world. It is a way to have your writing published, promote yourself and join with other talented writers and illustrators in a wholesome collaborative project that benefits kids, teachers, parents, writers and artists. Check out the 36 stories published to date, then send your submission to wiredogstories@gmail.com You can illustrate your story too if you wish or you can invite an artist to illustrate it for you. It’s all voluntary, there is no payment and no fee, but everyone that contributes a story or illustration has the right to sell, sign, or give away copies of the published storybooks. Authors and artists are encouraged to add the publication credits to their resumé or credentials. We hope to receive a submission from you and possibly some of your readers also if they want to write a good story for children.
Sincerely,
David, Ellen and Wire Dog .
That’s a lovely idea! Thank you!
Your description of pain and fatigue got my attention. I struggle with fibromyalgia but I’m learning to forgive myself for my shortcomings and not push myself beyond reasonable limits. I find this actually releases energy and makes me more productive. I hope you find your way to better health. You are a gifted writer and eventually your efforts will pay off. Also, I love the way Cricket and Butterfly illustrate your posts. They have such expressive faces.
The girls are such good role models. Whenever they aren’t running and jumping, they are resting completely.
I was surprised to find that I can relate to several things in your post. I’d love to read a story about someone accumulates that much debt. And the mechanism by which all that works.
Maybe you could write it, and then I’ll have a better chance of understanding it myself.
Don’t give up on what you want to do! You are a very gifted writer, and one day the boulder will roll down the other side and you’ll be a published writer. You deserve the best, like Cricket and Butterfly.
I could feel the boulder rolling down the other side of the hill as I read that! Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this post, Rachel. You are such a talented writer. May your burdens be lightened and your walks plentiful in 2016. Bailey sends many doggie hugs and kisses to you and the girls.
I would love to take the girls walking all the way to visit Bailey!
Can you imagine the shenanigans that would ensue with all three of them together?? I love it!!
Love reading your blog. Love the way you write. And wow, Cricket really has a very big mouth ! I don’t think my Canelo would be able to carry that much in his ! All the best to you, Cricket and Butterfly in 2016.
Cricket is always trying to best her own record; she tried to carry a small tree home one time. And thank you!
Hi Rachel – I have to agree with the New England Nomad as well as nissetje… Cricket just enjoys the chase and actually catching the squirrel is not part of her happiness. 😊 Far from this all being your fault and you deserve this – you don’t ! Make each journey a chase – be it to the sink or round the block. We wish you a wonderful 2016 with better… If you do win the lottery – how much would you pay for doing the laundry ? 😊
I would pay A LOT to have someone else do the laundry. I’ll let you know.
ok… talk to me in numbers… 😊 the flight is extra though…
wonderful 2016 with better health 😊
Thank you! Happy new year!
I am sorry about the pain
Thank you!
I for one, am so glad that you do write and that I get to read it.
You’re so sweet! Thank you!
well, i’m not one to give advice on physical and emotional pain, as i am a bad example… but i do say, if you find ANYTHING relaxing, do it a few times a day, smile a little while doing it and day dream about the life you want as if you already have it…
This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength
I’m a big fan of rest! Thank you!
here is a very cheap audio book that is only an hour long i think, but will help you immensely… the guy on it that makes biblical references doesn’t even believe in God, so don’t worry about him lol http://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/Relax-More-Try-Less-Audiobook/B014E3CMGI
i think the only biblical reference is the song of solomen, the book is by two guys
I like your line: Maybe he didn’t even see his task as meaningless because the effort itself was satisfying. I think this is very true-sometimes it is the act of doing, being in something rather than meeting some goal that is satisfying. I think you are wise to listen to your body and know your limitations- and your writing is wonderful
Thank you so much! Butterfly has been cleaning out a peanut butter container this morning. This is pretty much the ideal of the satisfaction of doing. I might have to try that.
Rachel, boy, this post really grabbed me because I used to feel this way almost every day also. A doctor finally figured it out (because I tried a functional Doctor vs the kind who write a prescription and get you out in ten minutes). This may not be for you but I have to say it. For me, there were food issues. The biggest one being gluten. She suggested I go gluten free for thirty days and see how I feel. Within two days, I started to notice some changes and they just became more pronounced as time went by. She may have saved my life! If you google “300 symptoms of gluten intolerance” you might see many of your symptoms on that list. The one thing I would caution you is if you try it, try not to then eat lots of GMO corn instead of the gluten. Lots of gluten free stuff is made from corn, and most corn in the us is GMO. She told me to stay away from those and based on what I’ve learned about them, she is right. So maybe look for the non-GMO project labels on the GF food. I was in so much pain, and so many symptoms eased or went away completely as the gluten free days lengthened. Now it’s been over three years and I’ll never go back. http://Www.elanaspantry.com and http://www.againstallgrain.com were both huge for me. I hope this helps! In any event, I hope things get better for you. 💛
Thank you! I will look into it!
Awesome! I hope it helps you!
Life is about the act of doing but we still want to feel rewarded for our efforts. May you find that kind of peace.
I hope so too! Thank you!
Shalom Rachel, I read every blog post you write and love them all, but by the time I read all the comments I usually feel that I have nothing to add. Like today 🙂 This time I felt I had to add my personal “Don’t give up” to the others… I am very sorry you are suffering so much, but your writing is very good. And if your therapist thinks you are Sisyphus, I wonder if she is the right one for you…? You are not! You create new things! Like this blog post… Love from Jerusalem.
Thank you so much! Israel has been on my mind so much lately. The idea that you are thinking of me, given all there is to think about…I’m honored.
❤ ❤ ❤ to you and the pups!
I walk a similar road. It’s difficult, but not impossible
I’m counting on it!
Sometimes we can be on the road to success and not realise it. Results can be slow in coming to our notice, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t come if we still keep plugging away.
Best wishes 🙂
Thank you! I hope that’s the way it’s going!
I believe it is 🙂
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.” (Martha Graham)
An AROHO contest winner sent me this quote several years ago, and I read it whenever I am discouraged about my writing. I hope it’s helpful to you because you are a great writer.
P.S. I had a unique case of shingles in 2008 and have been struggling off and on with recurrences that leave me with symptoms similar to yours for eight years. I have a doctor who tries to help me manage my pain and three dogs who keep me convinced I am invaluable. It’s been my new normal. I hope you find yours.
Thank you! And now I am terrified of getting shingles.
Banish that fear. You are entirely too young!!
You are so brave! and thank you for sharing your feelings. You are inspiring and helping people in the same situation like you. I wish you the best.
Thank you so much!
You’re in good company. I hear J.K. Rowling got quite a few rejects on Harry Potter before anyone published it. Bet they were all sorry they rejected it when sales skyrocketed.
I can’t even imagine the moaning and groaning at all of those agencies and publishers when they found out they’d rejected Harry Potter.
Best advice I ever got? Keep writing.
Always!
A great deal of what you are saying here sounds quite familiar. Only I don’t have any cute little pups. One day at a time.
Thanks.
The cute little puppies help a lot.
Your story sounds so familiar! You and I face so many of the same challenges…and so few are the people who understand what it is to grow exhausted from doing what appears to be so little. Activities they themselves take for granted. God built us with particular strengths, yet we haven’t been able to make enough money with them to earn our right to exist in society. It is enough to make you not want to get out of bed in the morning. I think what drives me is that when I fail, I want to be able to say that I went down swinging. Maybe this year our ship will come in?
As long as it’s a big ship, because I get seasick.
We are on the sidelines.. cheering you on! You are a great writer and someones loss if they cannot recognize it…
Thank you so much! I can hear it (though that might be the wind shrieking outside my window)!
No it’s not the wind…lol!
Yay!
I agree with pretty much all of the above comments, especially your creativity and communication with all of us, we highly appreciate it!
I can empathise too with the pain & exhaustion – mine turned out to be a femur/hip problem that I was born with, but it took an MRI & a specialist surgeon to pick it out! It was causing pain in my hips, backside, lower & upper back, knees – most days I was aching or had very sharp pains. All I can say is that it’s worth persevering to find the answer (I’m still not recovered, it’s slow but like the pups, I have hope each day) 🙂 Always cheering you on, Rachel!
Thank you so much! I’m so glad you were able to find an answer.
This is a beautiful post, Rachel. Parts of it — the writing struggle — I can greatly identify with (oh boy, can I!). Please hang in there. I know that’s a cliche, a common — too common — suggestion, but it’s true. Things will happen for the good, I know they will.
Thank you!!!!!!!
You’re most welcome, 🙂
Hi Rachel, I hope you’re following up on the Winning Writers’ newsletter. There are many opportunities there that I think your writing would be very suited to.
Sartre suggested that Sisyphus didn’t suffer they way we imagine, he just kept on doing what he was doing without measuring the outcome. It might be some consolation to know that this gets easier as you get older! It takes quite some time to get in into your head, and your being, that you’re not being judged, there’s no yardstick you have to measure up to. You just are, like a dog or a bird or a blade of grass.
I kind of like the idea of being a blade of grass, unless Cricket comes by and decides to pee on me.
You poor thing, so sorry. Pain can wear us down emotionally as well as physically I know your little girls provide a ray of light that helps you to keep up the good fight, where would we be without them? I know one thing though about that heavy emotional load you carry. We can treat ourselves so terribly, say horrible things to ourselves about ourselves, things we would never ever do to other people. We can become so used to saying these things to ourselves, that we may not be aware of how often we do it. Here is a truth, you will believe what you say, if you say it enough. If you say a positive thing to yourself to contradict every negative thought. Say those even if you d.n’l
believe it’s true. It will feel false to us to say, but remember you are seeing the world through a pair of glasses with colored lens that colors everything in the wrong color , it. seems real but it is false. Think, write say good things about yourself anyway because we begin to believe what we say. What you think about yourself is being filtered through a lens that changes what we think is real.
.
z
Thank you!
One Day at a time. Eventually the clouds part and the sun shines. Dogs know much about living, so let them teach you. They know how to hang from a moving car and let the wind blow through their hair. They know play is important, and naps are mandatory. God loves dogs.
Thank you! Cricket thinks I’m a terrible student, but she hangs in there with me and repeats the lessons as many times as necessary.
Dogs have old souls.
On the other hand, maybe Sisyphus really got to know that rock, to appreciate its different surfaces, different temperatures, the feel and heft of it. Maybe pushing that rock developed his muscles and helped him get stronger. Maybe it got easier after he had been doing it for a while and in the end he could say, “I’m good at pushing rocks.” I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just know if I’m feeling bad about anything I just think about the Syrian refugees, the lucky ones who survive their escape to start a new life in a refugee camp with no promise of a better future. You can always find something positive if you are looking for it.
Absolutely!
Dear Rachel, you accomplish much much more than you think. Big hug! 🙂
Thank you so much!!!!!
Have you thought about self publishing a collection of your best pieces with your best illustrations? I have self published my last two books. I am told for shorter books than mine, which yours could be, organisations like Blurb can do them if you just buy a single copy yourself. Then tell all your many fans about it and people would buy copies and give them to their friends. Put a small mark-up on each and get them circulating as widely as possible. It’s fun to have your own proper book, you might make something out of sales and it might be seen by someone who will be impressed. I have not done it quite like this but maybe other people can tell you whether this will work? I think it could but probably I am getting it all wrong?.
Sounds really interesting. Thank you!