I feel like I want to take a pass on Passover this year. I’ve done it before. I tried to do the whole thing last year – closing up cabinets and shopping for matzo meal and gefilte fish and kosher for Passover candy. I spent an inordinate amount of time looking up articles about kitniyot (some Jews say that beans and corn and rice are fine for Passover, others say no, based on which crops used to grow next to other crops way back when). It is, of course, a fascinating debate. I made a double recipe of Sephardi Charoset (dates and figs and chestnuts and wine and on and on) and resolved to think Passover thoughts for the whole week. But, I didn’t have a Seder to go to, and I hate (really, really hate) Matzo.
Sephardi Charoset on Matzo is much yummier than it looks (not my picture).
Here the Charoset is shaped into balls (not my picture). I’ve even seen these covered in chocolate. Seriously.
The problem is that Passover is a family holiday; it’s not a pray-in-synagogue holiday. Everyone comes back to the synagogue the next week with stories about their uncle Zephyr, who drank all of the wine before dinner, and second cousin Zoodle who has a matzo allergy but refuses to abstain and then spends the rest of the night complaining about his belly pains. It’s a badge of honor to come back with the most unbelievable family stories, and I had none.
“I could eat some matzo!”
“And chopped liver?”
I used to love Passover when I was little. I loved Grandpa standing at the head of the table, reading from the Maxwell House Haggadah. I loved falling asleep in the guest room, still wearing my dressy clothes. I loved chopped liver, and Brisket and Tzimmes, and super sweet gel candies pretending to be fruit slices.
There were things I loved about it after my grandfather died, too, just not as many, and not in the same whole sort of way. I loved learning the Yiddish versions of Hebrew songs from the Haggadah, and how the Yiddish words made me feel drunk and silly (in a good way). But I didn’t like when we had guests to our Seder who couldn’t read Hebrew, and my father still insisted on doing the whole thing in Hebrew, making them feel stupid. I hated fighting with my father, every year, because I didn’t want to drink four whole glasses of wine, and to end the argument he called me an apikores (an apostate, but in a bad way). I remember having to carry all of the boxes of Passover dishes in from the shelves in the mudroom, because my father’s diabetic neuropathy had mostly crippled one of his arms, and I remember scrubbing out kitchen cabinets on my own, because my mother had to escape my father’s screaming abuse.
I remember the last Passover at my parents’ house, just before the divorce, when my father calmly told me that he felt better when he knew my mother was in pain. And I just stood there, frozen, with no more arguments or suggestions or strategies to make him into a real Dad.
Passover is the celebration of the Exodus from Egypt, from slavery into freedom, because we need celebrations to remind us that we really did escape, and the past is over, even though, sometimes, it just doesn’t feel that way.
This year, I’m going to celebrate the exodus by trying to help people at my internship, and studying for my future, in the hopes that that’s what will make the past seem more like the past for me. I’m pretty sure that Cricket and Butterfly are willing to help me with that project, though they were really looking forward to the Brisket.
“No Brisket? Is she kidding?”
rachelmankowitz 
While I am not Jewish, I could have written a parallel piece about Easter. It has taken me years to find a way to celebrate Easter for myself. So many experiences contaminated it for so long. May you find a meaningful way forward to your own embrace of your own Holy Days.
Thank you!
Love this so much. Thank you for sharing!
As an ethnic Jew whose parents didn’t celebrate (we’re all Christian, but they couldn’t see the overlap in the way my little family does), I am so happy now to share Jewish holidays and practices with my sons. As a blended family, the Jewish holidays are now ‘ours.’ Our special holidays that we don’t have to share or argue over with anyone else.
My family, funny enough, is now pretty receptive. They like us bringing Passover frogs to spring celebrations, and menorahs to Holiday celebrations when Christmas and Hanukkah overlap.
I love that!
You have shared so much of your heart. Thank you. And Cricket and Butterfly may have my portion of liver. Unless you might prefer to have it.
The girls would be thrilled! Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story!
We closed up our kitchen and we will spend time with my husband’s family this week. This is my 3rd Passover although I am a Buddhist. It is interesting for me to know about other religions.
Growing up, I knew families that went away to a kosher for Passover hotel for the week. That always sounded like a good plan to me.
Holidays bring so many memories, not all of them good. It makes it a challenge. Like another poster mentioned, for me it’s Easter…I could do without it.
I like to think of this as the season for chocolate covered jell rings and Cadbury cream eggs. It makes me feel much better.
Pingback: #EducateEmpower2017 #KushnerAtWar #UFC210 #HumanGroupNames #ThankYouBob #tmomtours #moonshinetmoms #Tourism #travel #bourbon #Venezuela | Highwaypay
I’m so sorry about the cruelty of your father. I really can’t imagine how difficult, not to mention horrible, that was for you and your mother. At least, he passed out of your life. That’s a kind of Passover.
Your girls make every holiday special regardless of their lack of knowledge of Hebrew. They speak a universal language of love. We who know the love of dogs are very lucky people.
Every Easter when she had her right mind my mother would send me a Happy Easter card and sign it Love, Selma. The woman was an enigma to me until she drew her last breath.
Bless you and your family during this Passover season, whether you have matzo or not.
Thank you so much!
It sounds like you’d have the most unbelievable story if you said that nothing went wrong.
Ha!
My partner is Jewish and identifies strongly with the ethnic aspects but not so much with the religious, although he does hold to the food laws. I would be willing to observe his holy days, but I don’t know how as I was raised Baptist. My holidays were the mainstream ones in the US. We have started going to a Unitarian Universalist church as they accept us both and don’t push any particular way of worship but allow people to find their own spiritual path. I enjoyed reading about your traditions. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you! The Unitarians are really good about accepting people from different traditions.
What a good and sensitive heart you possess. I love reading your posts each week.
God bless you, dear Rachel – may He make His face to shine upon you, lift you up, and give you peace.
Thank you so much!
I am sorry you don’t live close by, I’d love to have you for Seder. Ours is made up with friends that are like family.
In fact, even though I can’t have a Seder this year because I’m having surgery instead, my friends are coming to take care of me.
Would love to have you!!!
How wonderful! Thank you!
I am very moved by this Rachel. Holidays are not what they are cracked up to be. The story of the exodus is my favorite. Enjoy those adorable babies of yours maybe put out a spread. 🙂 ❤
Thank you!
I am so sorry your holy days were ruined by the way your family acted. I hope that you find your own meaningful way to celebrate Passover, and are able to move beyond your father’s cruelties. Peace to you….
Thank you!
whenever I call and talk with my Jewish aunt in Flushing, I am amused and grateful for my Jewish heritage as I am for my Gentile half . In my church, I once told our studies leader – this was many years ago – that God really wanted me to get to know Him. I was one of the tribes of Israel – and he sent Jesus to make sure I would follow!! When my dad passed away 30 years ago, it was the last time I had any of the traditional food. Unless I count that time I went to the deli on a trip to Brooklyn and had gefilte fish.
The food is always the way back in. My favorite deli meal was pastrami and chopped liver on rye, with a sour pickle on the side, and Dr. Brown’s black cherry soda.
That was both interesting (since I know little about Passover) and sad at the same time. I honor your choice to participate as much or as little as you choose.
Although I initially was raised Catholic, until a few years ago, I never knew people cooked an Easter meal. I was sad when I found out how other families celebrated. My mother just didn’t do it. And although she loved me in her own way, she also stopped putting up a Christmas tree when I was a kid (I did it myself) and didn’t make a Thanksgiving meal (although we were sometimes invited to other people’s Thanksgiving meals). On a positive note, I’d be happy to eat your Matzo for you! Yum.
If you like matzo, you need to look for a recipe for cinnamon and sugar matzo brei. That’s good stuff!
Good for you. One Easter, during a bad time in my life, I spent the weekend alone in my flat reading ‘Brideshead Revisited’.
That sounds like a great idea!
It sounds like you managed to still create some lovely memories. I’m glad for you. Your dogs are adorable.
Thank you!
Thank you for this !! A fascinating insight to something I was aware of but knew nothing about. Your dogs are adorable and I’m sure they will help you to celebrate however you choose 🙂
Thank you!
Lovely post – thank you!
Thank you!
The way that those specific sensations brought in a wave of closely tied emotional memories is so very true and very bittersweet.
A post of mixed emotions. I’m sorry for how your Dad enjoyed your mother’s pain, but I’m glad he’s no longer part of your lives. And I’m glad we both dislike Matzo.
My stepdad, Si, was Jewish and provided a great way to learn about Jewish traditions. He was a wonderful man and a true gentleman. That said, it took my younger sisters a little while to accept a new man about the house, even though it was nine years after our own dad died.
I can’t even imagine how Cricket would have adapted to a new person, especially male, in her house. But some chopped liver and brisket would have gone a long way in winning her affection.
Rachel I am so sorry Pesach is wrapped up with happy memories of your grandfather and then tainted ones of your father and the abuse you suffered. The holidays are always reminders of what we had and do not have now, that make them hard to get through. I have learned over the years to make new memories in my own way-and I have learned to be content with that, though it took some time. We go to friends for the both seders and that has become our “norm” It is not the seder my husband remembers growing up with, or with his children sitting around with him, but we are content. I like your idea of helping at your internship.A friendof mine who no longer has family has taken to making her own for a group of friends who are in the same boat- she follows some of the haggadah but then branches out on her own. Leaving the past behind is the first step to then owning your own version I think. Wishing you a good yom tov
Thank you! I love the ways people remake the holidays, and I hope I’ll be able to figure it out myself someday soon.
So sorry you are feeling this way. May you find a warm and welcoming place this Pesach and every other one
Thank you!
Wow Rachel this is a very powerful piece. We could feel your emotions. Know peace will come because He is with you.
Thank you!
You are welcome Rachael.
Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. I’m sorry for your suffering. My neighbor and I were talking the other day about how we can’t pick our families but we can pick our friends…too bad more families aren’t more loving. I guess that is why we love our animals – they love unconditionally and people don’t (in my experience).
Spending time thanking God for creating our pets sounds like a good start to worship 🙂
Absolutely!
Pingback: Reblog: Passover from Rachelmankowitz | As I see it
Wow. And for the gentile here – what IS Matzo? I’ve heard of matzo ball soup, but I never knew what matzo actually WAS. I hope you find the glory in your good memories and hope and peace. And that the bad ones fade with time and understanding. Mazel tov
Matzo is a form of bread that is not allowed to rise. I think the rule is that, from the moment the flour gets wet to the moment it is taken out of the oven shouldn’t be more than eighteen minutes. It’s the Mission impossible of baking. What you end up with is pretty much a big square cracker without much flavor. Yum.
Rachel, I think the way you plan on spending Passover will honor God and your Jewish heritage in a very real way. Congratulations on being so perceptive. Oh, and my family used to buy those sugar coated gel fruits, too. I could never make up my mind if I liked them or not.
The best part of the jell fruit slices is the “rind.” It’s some form of “cream” that neutralizes the the excess sugar, to some extent. I used to get funny looks for peeling my fake fruit slices, but it made me happy.
LOL! I never realized that!
I like your Blog! I’m following!
Thank you so much!
I want to talk about your writing, Rachel. I want to talk about this piece of work; this fine, fine piece of writing. What power. Write more of this. Show us the way.
Thank you so much!
Wow. Just wow. I agree with others: You can choose your friends but you sure can’t choose your family. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you!
My best friend Miriam invited me to the family Passover Seder when i was in high school. I had enough Jewish friend to know it was a big deal and I was on my best behavior. What I didn’t know until her father told me years later (he was the author of the conspiracy) that this was done to put the rest of the family in the same operating mode. Everyone behaved perfectly. He was sick of the whining and kvetching and other behaviors which spoiled an event he loved.
My non-Jewish friends endure these things on Thanksgiving. Remember the modern family comes in all shapes and variations. You, your mom and the girls are a family, so do whatever you want. My favorite holiday was always Sukkot. When I lived California I helped my friends with no construction experience make some really good sukkah, and it was warm enough to really enjoy it.
That’s awesome! We could use a sukkah in our backyard year round. Then I could sit in the shade while the puppies do their running around. Maybe we could even install an air-conditioner for the summer!
You would have liked the one I made that came out looking more like a tiki bar.
You’re right, I would have loved that!
I’m kind of with you on the matzo. Pesach Sameach nonetheless.
Thank you! Pesach sameach!
Passover is about escaping from Egypt. If the seder has become a kind of Egypt, then maybe leaving it behind is the right thing to do.
I wish you a zissen Pesach – a sweet Passover – however you choose to observe it.
Thank you so much!
What a fabulous essay. And I don’t like to use the word fabulous when thinking about your subject matter. Family life is not always what it’s supposed to be. And since I only found out I’m 4% Jewish from my brother’s Ancestry DNA tests, I’ll say Peace be with you. Not sure if mazeltof is the right thing to say.
Thank you so much!
This brought tears to my eyes. Beautifully written. I like the way you weave in the idea of escaping to freedom. I think many of us can relate to the memories and feelings.
Thank you!
Thank you Rachel,
For sharing of yourself. Your thoughts on life are touching to me. I enjoy learning more about the Jewish faith. And You and Cricket and Butterfly are a Joy! Have a blessed Passover however you choose to celebrate it! Faith is so personal. I love the poem by Emily Dickinson: some keep the sabbath going to church. I keep it staying at home. With a bobolink for a chorister and an orchard for a dome…That’s probably how my Easter will be. I think God doesn’t care where we are. He just loves us to love Him wherever that is. Thanks
That’s lovely! Thank you!
We still use the Maxwell house Haggadah. I am glad my family is still getting together to do this holiday as each year we have less and less people. My youngest two of three children have promised me that they will start to pay more attention and learn more so that our traditions will continue. I did not realize how much it all means to me, until my Dad and Sister(who always does all the work my Mom did when she was alive) said they were thinking of skipping this year. I am glad that I convinced them not to and of course I went and helped and stayed to do all the clean up so as to not let them get overwhelmed as we had a big group all but one family member showed up so that was a near perfect in my eyes. Happy Passover to you, and celebrate however you see fit.
I love that little Haggadah! If my Grandpa was still around I would do all of the cooking and cleaning just to have another seder with him.
I tell my kids each year, We are lucky enough to have Grandpa with us still and they should spend each moment they can with him, because once his life comes to an end then all we have are the precious moments we made sure we spent with him. Each year our family gets smaller and smaller and I truly cherish my times with my older family members. 🙂
It’s an incredible gift!
Holidays bring family together (grandma used to say) so they can fight! It was true when I was growing up. I too have had a hard time this year. At my age, so many friends and family have passed away – changing dishes has become a big job – so this year there are beautiful disposable plates and we do what we can. Those who can come will come; those who cant wont. Just know that you have done the best you can!
Disposable plates is a great idea!
I’m sorry this is so hard for you. I think a lot of us feel the need to redefine ‘family’ holidays for ourselves. Whatever you do, I hope it brings you a measure of peace knowing you’re doing it on your terms.
So far so good! I like being able to follow the spirit of the holiday more than the rules, just this once.
Sad that you had to endure hearing your dad say that about your mom. It’s so hard on children when parents break up, and it can color perceptions about holidays and other events in life.
My kids father (who was Jewish) was diabetic. He changed when he became a brittle diabetic, and not for the better. Wondering if that might have had a bearing on the way he treated your mom.
Diabetes can definitely impact behavior when it is not under good control. Unfortunately, my father was like that even when his sugar was under control.
That’s a terrible way to grow up. My dad worked 2 jobs and was rarely home to do more than eat dinner and sleep. When he was older and my kids were very young he’d say they were terrible and they were going to grow up to be terrible people. He passed away when they were 6 and 8 (they lost their father at 5 and 7). Sometimes it’s better to have that kind of bitter out of your life at a young age.
Wow! I’m so sorry!
That was 32 years ago, a different time. When we were children, divorce was still looked at on the level as prostitution and people stayed married to prevent being shunned by their community.
As long as my father worked 2 jobs and mom was lord of the house, things went well. I remember my mom’s reply to his assertion that her only grandchildren were “terrible.” She said, “Ours were exactly like that but you weren’t there to see it.”
My children turned out to be ethical, kind, caring people who love their families and they work hard. The neighbor next door to me during the same time my father said those things to me told me that I was raising my children all wrong. One of hers is now in jail and the other is on welfare.
People can ruin your joy long after they’re gone. Celebrate life the way you feel is right for you. 🙂
thanks, explaining your ritual feast, an important one! – better without Mr. Spicer´s comments like gaffe or fauxpas… have a good week 😉
Maybe Spicer went to a Seder the night before and drank way too much wine. I’m pretty sure this is why people stay home from work the day after a Seder. Live and learn.
Cricket and Butterfly have to make Passover a lovely family holiday, brisket or no brisket. While they may have their own opinions about how to behave outside (and inside) they’ll never force you to drink four glasses of wine unless you want to and need encouragement. And they don’t expect you to close the kitchen. In fact they probably think it’s a bad idea.
I hope you spend it thinking more about the times with your grandfather and not at all about the Passovers with your father. G-d bless you, Rachel!
Thank you!
Hi Rachel. I was very interested in your story about Passover. I have a new daughter-in-law who is Jewish, and being Catholic, I really am unfamiliar with the traditions and holidays. But most of all, your feelings and thoughts reaching back to childhood to present, gave me some food (matzo) for thought. Our faith and families have shaped us into who we are.
I like your idea of starting your own traditions. During this Lenten season, leading up to Easter, I did give up ice cream for Lent, but I decided more so, instead of just giving up something, I was going to add random acts of kindness to my endeavors. Things as small as smiling or talking to strangers, saying something nice like, “I love your sweater,” or shaking hands with veterans when I notice their military service caps. I’ve picked up the check at a few restaurants, once for a elderly gentleman who only ordered a plain hamburger and water, and another time for a young man and his wife. He was in a wheel chair with no legs and a service dog that said Army on the side. These small things are the best way I feel I can share my faith. My new tradition,
P.S. I love your cute dogs.
I love your ideas for Lent, except the whole idea of giving up ice cream, that might actually kill me.
Your story was very moving. I appreciate the idea that we need celebrations to remind us that the past is the past. In one sense it is always with us, but we do carry on and form our own traditions. You conveyed the idea that it’s good to remember and it’s good to change. Mozel tof.
Thank you!
It seems that everyone has at least one holiday that links to something unpleasant in their past. I’m glad you’re taking this time for yourself and finding a way to make Passover meaningful in your home. Blessings. (I’ve nominated you for the Blogger Appreciation award. Details are here: https://riddlefromthemiddle.com/2017/04/13/rftm-sunshine-on-an-april-morning/)
Thank you!
This is a powerful piece, Rachel. We know what it’s like not to have the family one really needs for such a festival and it can feel very alienating. We hope you are making the most of it in your own way! Pip and the boys
Thank you!
Every day should be a celebration. It sounds like you’ve made peace with your past.
Note for next year: There is always a Seder you can attend. Go to chabad.org and look up the local Chabad House in your town. They have community Seders everywhere, and you get to meet a lot of interesting people. Most years, I drive four hours to my parents’ house for Passover and we attend the Chabad community Seder together. This year I found it too hard to go due to any Seder due to work commitments, but I made a contribution to Chabad to help pay for others to attend. By the way, if you’re going to attend a Chabad Seder, it’s nice if you go online and make a donation of at least $36 (twice Chai). However, if you can’t afford it, that’s okay. They turn no one away. With your kindness, I think you would be a nice addition to a Chabad Seder. And they do most of the service in English!
Great idea! Thank you!
The Sephardi Charoset sounds really yummy!
It is!!!!