Chanukah, the Jewish festival of lights, started on Tuesday night, and it feels like it’s coming along at just the right time. Chanukah is a holiday for celebrating miracles and light (and a few other things that I choose to ignore, because violence and gore are not my thing). The miracles are about the survival of the Jewish people, and a light that shines longer than it ever should have. Of course, in celebrating that light we have to take it too far: if one candle is nice, eight or nine are nicer, if one Menorah is nice, twenty or thirty, or one twenty-foot tall Menorah, is nicer.
In Brooklyn (not my picture)
I have been impatiently waiting for some light, especially since Miss Butterfly died, because she radiated light. I’ve tried so hard to generate enough light to fill the void she left behind, but what she did effortlessly I struggle to match.
Butterfly, radiating internal light
In a strange coincidence, or not, on Tuesday afternoon we received an envelope in the mail form Butterfly’s clinic, with her collar and tags. They’d lost track of them for five months, but on the first day of Chanukah, they were found (or at least received). Mom took it as a sign that Butterfly wants us to find a new sibling for Cricket. I want to see it that way too, but looking at her little pink Butterfly charm just made me sob.
I want to believe that bringing a new dog home will add light back into our lives. There is a new puppy across the hall, a little black ball of fluff who hops and cries and looks into your eyes until you melt. He makes me think that maybe I could manage a puppy again (I can’t); then there’s his sort-of-sister, Hazel, the mini-Goldendoodle, with her evanescent joy and uncontrollable peeing; and Teddy, our sometime boarder, who went home to find a new sister in his house, a Shih-Poo named Rosie who is doing her best to catch his eye. The light is everywhere, but I can’t quite catch it and hold onto it; I just keep seeing it run past me.
This past weekend, the first snow of the season brought out Cricket’s joy and light. She loves to run through the snow and catch snow balls with her mouth, and dig for hidden snow balls in the snow. I gladly reached down (with my gloves on) for handfuls of snow to keep her entertained. Her capacity for joy is extraordinary, and extraordinary to watch, even in the freezing cold.
“Look at the snowy light dropping from the sky!”
“Throw the ball, Mommy!”
I’ve been trying to look at Petfinder.com, but the pages and pages of dogs in nearby rescues and shelters overwhelm me. How do you choose? I want a puppy, but I don’t have the energy. I want a senior dog, like Butterfly, but I can’t go through the trauma of loss again so soon. I want a Great Dane, but I don’t have the room, or the strength. Whenever I see a cute dog who is the right size (no bigger than Cricket), and age (three or four), and doesn’t look too much like Butterfly, I get excited, and then terrified, and then I start crying.
I’m going to need all of the light I can get in order to help me see clearly in the next leg of this journey, and I’m hoping that Chanukah will start me off well, bringing light, and some joy, and maybe even a little bit of hope.
Butterfly leads the way.
rachelmankowitz 
So have you seen A Dog’s Purpose? I believe in reincarnation including of our animal companions and could tell some stories,. In fact I will in my blog as the theme now is Resurrection and Rebirth! The collar has a butterfly charm, which also is a symbol of Soul. Perhaps she is coming back into your life…just saying.
That would be so wonderful!
YES! I absolutely believe in reincarnation…it’s like a “knowing.” And maybe when she incarnates again, you will find her and just know. When I saw a photo of Cupcake on a rescue page, I just knew she was supposed to be with me. I think she’s a soul who has been with me before. But Rachel, you’ll know when the time is right and when the fur baby is the right one. You don’t have to rush.
Thank you!
Praying for your miracle🐾🦋🐾
Thank you!
I think when the time is “right” for you Rachel, a dog will speak to you and you will be able to move past your recent terrible bereavement with the gorgeous little Butterfly and adopt another furry friend. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you! I hope it’s soon.
Hi Rachel, the right dog will find you as well as you finding him or her. Trust. Don’t hurry. It doesn’t sound like the time is quite right yet. Meanwhile I am glad you have found some light and are enjoying Cricket’s joy in the snow.
Thank you!
When I look at Ollie, I cannot ever imagine having another dog once he has gone. Sometimes, one dog is enough, and just feels right.
Enjoy your religious festival, Rachel, and take your time to think about anymore dogs.
Best wishes, Pete.
Thank you!
“Her capacity for joy is extraordinary.” The perfect caption for most every dog on the planet.
I understand those mixed up feelings that percolate after losing a beloved animal. I believe you’ll know when the time is right.
I hope I do. Thank you!
I agree that, from what you have written here, you probably aren’t quite ready for a new dog in your life at this time. You will know when that one dog pulls at your heart strings more than the fear and grief do. Enjoy the light of Cricket and the snow, as that looked like she was having so much fun. I do love that last picture of Butterfly.
Me too. Miss Butterfly was a miracle. It feels greedy to expect another one, but that’s what I want.
You’ll never have another Butterfly. She was unique, as will the next dog be that you let into your life. It will have its own unique light, just like all of us.
If looking for a new sibling for Cricket is still so painful wait. Butterfly will be waiting by you on silent paws to help guide you the right dog when your pain isn’t so raw. I think the collar/tags is more a sign that she’s saying “I’m okay and happy and want to help you to heal.”
That sounds good to me. Thank you!
Don’t rush yourself. When you’re ready, you’ll be ready!
Thank you!
It is a great thing when you find the next right one. You will definitely know when it is the right time and the right dog will just be there! It took me a while to start searching, then a neighbor just gave me Coop. It was a great fit!
I would love that kind of magic!
I truly believe it will happen for you!
Thank you!
I do hope that you find the right dog, soon. I’ve always found that a new little furry friend helps in the healing process. Best wishes.
Thank you!
Be strong Rachel. Your new dog is out there waiting for you and provides an antidote for Butterfly’s death. Such is the circle of life.
My circle has a tendency to shape-shift unexpectedly.
Are you in ny? Look at Susie’s senior dogs. Some are not even that old. My heart is with you. I lost my two,chowbradors brothers and will never stop missing them, but having rescued a GSD helps.
Thanks for the recommendation!
I think Parker really misses Teemu so I am thinking about getting another cat, but I don’t know that I am ready. I think neither of us has found ‘the one,’ Rachel. We will. Just not right now. But we will keep each other posted, for sure!
I like that idea. Thank you!
You will know when it is right- when you see a dog that strikes your heart and you’ll just know, it is the right time
Thank you! I’m getting too impatient; I know it.
There would be no better way to honor Butterfly than to take into your heart and home some dog who really, really needs it. Our two replaced dogs who crossed. They were both in kill shelters and on death row. Butterfly would approve and applaud.
She would love that!
Celebrating light and miracles….lovely!
Thank you!
I hope you find just the right dog to suit your needs in providing that light.
Thank you!
Oh such a sweet post. My dog provides a lot of light to my life. Good luck in your search for a new furry companion.
Thank you!
happy holiday and may you find the new little light in your life –
Thank you! Happy holidays to you too!
Visiting a rescue organisation years ago we chose a collie/Labrador cross because she would have been put down soon if she were not claimed.
I’ve been so lucky that we have many no-kill shelters in my area, otherwise I would have to remove all of my furniture because the guilt of leaving any dog at a kill shelter would kill me.
🙂
When the time is right, the right dog will find her way to you. i was heartbroken when I had to say goodbye to my old Lurcher, Siouxsie Sioux, and couldn’t imagine how I would fill the dog-shaped hole in my home. Then, some weeks later, I came across a little brown stripy Lurcher puppy on the Greyhound Rescue Wales site – the litter had been unwanted because they weren’t pure Greyhounds and wouldn’t make the owner any money. Millie was the last of the puppies looking for a home, and I knew straight away she was the dog for me.
Looks to me like there’s more than just snow coming down in that first photo of Cricket – those lights could be orbs. When Millie was a year old I took her to her training school’s Christmas party and my friend took photos. We uploaded the photos later and they were full of strange spherical lights. My friend magnified the images so we could see the orbs in detail, and they all contained dogs’ faces! In a photo of me and Millie, the orb closest to me contained a little face that looked just like Siouxsie’s. It might just have been a trick of the light or some sort of fault, but I can’t help thinking some of the canine party guests were the spirits of dogs who had passed.
So maybe Butterfly came to join in the game you were playing with Cricket in the snow – that one light above Cricket looks particularly bright!
What a beautiful idea! Thank you so much!
I agree with the comments. When the time is right God will lead you to the perfect dog for you. You are still grieving and that is understandable. God put the desire in us to care for His creation and our pets are reflection of that responsibility and most definitely the love we share with them indeed reflects God’s love. The time will come again – trust in God’s timing He will know when you are ready.
Thank you!
Rachel, the dog will find you, when you least expect it. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts on Butterfly.
Thank you!
One word came to me Rachel – “wait.” I know what you are going through – we’ve been through it 4 times now in 9 years. Let the God of your understanding fill that “Butterfly” space via Chanukah. Love and hugs to you!
Thank you!
As many others have said before me. you are probably not quite ready. In this modern world we don’t seem to give ourselves enough time to mourn. One day things will fall into place quite naturally and you will say to yourself “This is the one! Now is the time” As you wrote in your beautiful post, Chanukah is about miracles too and that little dog miracle will come.
Thank you! I hope you’re right!
It is so lovely that Butterfly’s collar and tag were found at such a special time and it is great to see Cricket enjoy herself in the snow. If you allow yourself this time to deepen your bond with Cricket you can make this a very special time for both of you. She may come out of herself more and more with your undivided attention and love xxx
That would be lovely! Thank you!
How sincerely sweet, sad and moving. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, Butterfly was making sure you had something to hold onto, but Cricket is ‘knowingly’ here for you as well. As others have repeated, when the time is right, it will be. Cherise Cricket and the memories of Butterfly during this sacred time – the light!
Thank you! Cricket does love to be cherished.
Maybe the time isn’t quite right yet Rachel, but this is a sign that it’s not far away perhaps?
You are still grieving for dear Miss Butterfly, so the tears, anxiety, fear and emotional rollercoaster are all natural elements of the process. Go with it. The light will be waiting for you when you are ready to see and embrace it.
Thank you!
Please don’t take this the wrong way, Rachel but there is a dog out there, waiting desperately for a home, and the longer you go back and forth over it, the longer he or she is homeless. It’s time to bring a little light into that little, or not so little pup, or older than a pup’s life! Cricket will thank you for it in the long run. Listen to your mom, Mom knows best.
Hello again, Rachel! I don’t know much about Chanukah, but the idea of miracles, light and hope appeals to me, as well as the positive energy that comes from this post. It doesn’t happen very often in your writing, so enjoy that miraculous moment while it lasts:-)
Thank you!
Hanukkah not only brought a miracle, it taught patience (waiting for the oil to cure). When the time is right your new furball will come. Puppies are over rated. I like your thoughts on 4 or 5 yrs young that Cricket finds worthy. You are not replacing Butterfly, you are honoring her.
Thank you!
As long as you are still looking for the light, you will find it.
I hope so!
Nose-licks from me… it’ll become clear to you…
Thank you!
I understand your indecision. New dog will take a lot of energy. Happy chanuka!
Did this …post my comment? Happy hanuka!
Happy hanuca!
Happy Chanukah!
Just wanted to give you some encouragement for PetFinder. We adopted a dog in 2010 against all common sense, but something was tugging at me and I am so glad that we did. We ended up with a dog who’s perfect for us–he snores and he is very stubborn but he loves playing with kids and he tolerates our grouchy cats. I appreciated that PetFinder let me filter out just dogs who were OK with kids, and OK with cats, but also let me say I didn’t care about the breed or color or anything like that. I can’t attach a file but here he is with my daughter:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/19XERwUV8Zbp5GKVC8RBJ3Olr9l27lDil/view?usp=sharing
OK, he is kind of posing, he doesn’t usually look quite so attentive but he has been awesome. We had to drive 100 miles in an extreme downpour to get him! But that was OK.
When you are ready, reach out, push past the fear, the logic and the “shoulds.”
Keeping you and your family in the season’s light. Chag sameach!
Thank you! Chag sameach!
When the time is right for a new dog, you’ll just know. You won’t feel so heavy about it, the cons will be less than the pros and as soon as you see the dog meant for you, your heart will jump into a, “yes!” (It took me 13 months, and I got a gem)!
Until then Cricket has lots of playmates. She is so lucky…and so are you.
Happy Hanukkah 🙂
Thank you!
Yes, the butterfly charm would have had me sobbing, too. Please don’t rush things. Butterfly will send you the right one when you are ready. In the meantime, keep working through the grief. It’s hard. So very hard.
Thank you! I loved reading about angel Lexi found Xena for you.
Happy Chanukah to you and your Mum!! When the time is right you will find your new fur baby or he/she will find you. Wishing some of that snow was around down here, we are sweltering through mid 30C to low 40C temperature this week with promises of storms that don’t deliver. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season.
Thank you! Sending you snowy holiday wishes!
You are so fond of having pets.. That’s great!! Really!! I m on instagram @april_autumn12
First, there’s no getting around the gore. The entire enchilada must be eaten. Second, there’s no getting around the chores of dog care. Sounds like a puppy will brighten things eightfold. They usually do.
I volunteer for a rescue organization here in the NY area, Posh Pets Rescue (poshpetsrescue.org). We often get some very nice doggies who have been saved from difficult situations. I will certainly keep you in mind if someone comes along who seems like a “good fit”!!
Thank you so much!
Give yourself time to grieve. I understand what you are going through. You are smart to have a creative outlet (writing) to help you process.
Thank you!
Whatever lucky little dog you feel is right, we are sure you will find the confidence and strength to be a wonderful ‘parent’; have faith and let the light shine through! Pip and the boys
Thank you!
I hope you find your light.
I am thinking that looking for a dog online might not be the way for you to do it. Perhaps going to a shelter might be better. That way you can actually sense the joy and light that would be joining your family. Perhaps going to a couple of shelters and letting the staff know what you are looking for so that when/if a dog comes in they could let you know? That way you wouldn’t have to be looking at ALL the options. You would just go down to the shelter when a dog that might fit with your family comes in? Also . . . . sometimes . . . there is no “forcing” these things. They just have to happen in natural time. Either way . . . hugs to you!
That’s a great idea! Thank you!
🙂 I am sure they do that all the time. When people come in they get a sense of who would fit with who — probably, sometimes, without even realizing it. So, I bet they could help a lot!
When the time is right you will know. And you will meet the right little furry baby I am sure. I did this year after my dear little furry babies of 13.5 years both passed. So so sad. I didn’t expect to find another two and it just happened after five months. Two little rescue dogs that needed a home. I hope you find the same happiness. Losing a furry baby is devastating and I am feeling for you.
I’ve seen a lot of bonded pairs of dogs on Petfinder and they are all adorable – but Cricket would kill me if I brought two dogs home at once. I, on the other hand, would be thrilled!
Completely understand that. Ha ha.
She was a miracle. Even her photos shine with light and love.
When you meet the right little person and you’re ready, you’ll know.
Thank you!
I’m sure you will know, Rachel, when the time is right for you and another dog will fill your life with light again. It’s probably just too soon at the moment. Wishing you joy. x
Thank you!