A week ago Tuesday, I went for my social work licensing exam at a nondescript office on Long Island. I was anxious about the exam because it covered a lot of ground (three and a half years of classes, plus whatever else a social worker might need to know), and because the style of questioning is meant to be tricky and confusing. But I had spent months studying and preparing, and I generally do well on tests, so I was managing the anxiety okay. And then I reached the office building and had to find a parking spot. The building I was looking for was in a large complex of office buildings, and even though I’ve been in that area before, I’d never been to that particular building before. When I did my practice drive a week earlier there was a free spot right in front of the building, so I was unprepared for contingencies, like all of the unreserved spots being taken and having to find the underground lot.
“That doesn’t sound good, Mommy.”
I had no idea where the entrance to the underground parking was, and, at first, I ended up in the underground lot for a different building. After wandering around blind corners for quite a while, and finally finding an exit back to the above ground world, I was tempted to just park in one of the reserved spots and risk being towed. But then I balked. I really don’t want to be towed. Or ticketed. Or have to find an alternative way to get back home (I do not have the uber app, or anything like it, on my phone, nor do I have any idea how one might use it). So, with ten minutes left before I was supposed to be at the exam, I went searching for the entrance to the right underground parking lot, and finally found it. Most of the spots underground were reserved for companies in that building as well, but I found a spot on the lower level that was magically free and unmarked. There were no numbers for the spots, or for different sections of the lot, and I didn’t even see a sign for which level I was on, but I had five minutes to get upstairs so I couldn’t worry about that, yet. I found a stairway up to the ground level, and then another to the second floor office suite where I would take the exam, and I made it with one minute to spare.
Phew.
The pre-test procedures were complex and unnerving: five or six palm scans, two forms of ID, an awkward photo, putting my cell phone into a plastic bag that would have to be cut open at the end of the test, and relinquishing everything except for my ID and my glasses to a locker. I couldn’t even bring my own tissues, or sucking candies (too loud). Then I had to go to a second staff member for more safety procedures: another palm scan, checking my glasses for tech, checking my pockets, and the tips of my ears; I had to push up my sleeves and pat down my pant legs to prove nothing was hiding there either.
Finally I was allowed into the testing room, with my locker key, and my ID for company. I couldn’t make any noise, and I would have to raise my hand if I needed to get up for any reason, which they preferred I not do until I’d finished the exam.
“No wee wee pad?”
The test was one hundred and seventy questions, and, with the tutorial at the beginning and the survey at the end, took me an hour and a half. I spent half the time stretching and shifting and trying to get comfortable in the supposedly ergonomic chair and staring at the blurry computer screen (Allergies? Anxiety? Stroke?). About two thirds of the way through the test I started to worry that I might fail and have to sit through the horror all over again, but as soon as the final survey was finished (Did you enjoy this test? How was the drive? Did you really need those tissues?), the screen changed and told me that I had passed the licensing exam. The drama was over. I raised my hand to be allowed out and they gave me a print out of my score and wished me well, and sent me to empty out my locker and walk out into freedom. Okay, not freedom exactly, because passing the test meant that I would have to start the job search, which was a crushing weight quickly descending on my head, but, you know, free for the rest of the day.
I called home to let Mom and the dogs know that I’d passed, and survived, and suffered mightily, and then went in search of my car.
Except, the route I’d taken up into the building was closed to me in the opposite direction. The actual door that had opened into the building had no handle going the opposite direction, and I didn’t see any other doors nearby. So I went looking for another set of stairs, and went down two levels, and started to look for my car. I didn’t see anything familiar, but I hadn’t paid close attention in the first place, so I wasn’t worried, at first. I walked around the whole floor three times, getting more and more anxious. I called home and got so far as telling Mom that I was lost underground and couldn’t find my way out, when the phone cut off.
“Uh oh.”
So I did the only thing I could think of and retraced my steps up into the building. My legs were starting to wobble with exhaustion, and my neck and back were still hurting from the hour and a half at the computer, but panic carries a lot of adrenaline, and I was moving pretty fast. I tried another route back down into the parking garage and wandered the floor two more times, nothing.
I went back upstairs, and looked for signs I might have missed, and doors I might not have opened, afraid that my car had been towed, or stolen. Eventually, I tried a different floor of the parking garage. I was sure I’d parked two levels below the ground floor, but I was desperate, so I tried going down only one floor. Suddenly there was a sign that looked vaguely familiar, so I kept walking, and walking, and walking, and there it was! My car!!!! Just waiting there for me, not towed away or stolen or made invisible by aliens trying to mess with my head.
I called home immediately and Ellie barked at me, trying to tell me that I had been gone way too long. I felt like a truck was sitting on my back, but at least I wasn’t lost anymore. Mom promised a special celebratory dinner, but I warned her that I could still get lost trying to drive out of the underground labyrinth. But at least wandering in circles in the car took less time than wandering on foot, and I finally made my way out into the sunlight, and on my way home.
I was shaking with leftover tension, but able to drive home safely and get my greeting from the girls and from Mom and eat some dinner. The exam was over, and successful. The trauma of the day was over. But, I didn’t feel any relief. I felt like I was still stuck in that underground lot, with no clear signs telling me where to go or what to do. Even safe at home, with the girls sleeping next to me, I still felt like I was walking that endless labyrinth, and I realized how familiar that feeling has become for me.
“We’re sleeping, Mommy. The story is over.”
I feel like every step forward in my life has been a step into the dark, with no clear signage, and no certainty that I’m even looking in the right place. Even when I can find clear milestone markers, like graduation, or a passed exam, I still don’t feel a sense of relief, because I don’t know which road to turn onto next.
I wish I could say something reassuring here, about how, eventually, I always find my next step on solid ground, but that’s just not true. What feels like solid ground to someone else doesn’t necessarily feel right or solid to me.
The next step is to send out resumes and tap into any contacts I may have, and network (eek!) to find a good first social work job. Hopefully the labyrinth will be more clearly marked in the future, or else I’ll have to bring Cricket with me on job searches, so she can warn me when I’m going in the wrong direction. Or at least let me know when I’m getting closer to snacks.
“I’m great at finding snacks. It’s true.”
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Amazon page and consider ordering the Kindle or Paperback version (or both!) of Yeshiva Girl. And if you feel called to write a review of the book on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish girl on Long Island named Izzy (short for Isabel). Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes that it’s true. Izzy’s father decides to send her to an Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, as if she’s the one who needs to be fixed. Izzy, in pain, smart, funny, and looking for people she can trust, finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment.
rachelmankowitz 
Congratulations! As difficult as the situation was, I’m still so happy you passed your test. You will be in my prayers for the right job.😊
Thank you!!!
You’re welcome!
Yay, Rachel!! Poor Parker. She was sleeping on my lap and jumped when I let out a (very loud) cheer that you passed the exam! So happy for you. Yes, I think Cricket should sniff out all potential interviews. No more labyrinths for you.
Cricket is ready to be a working dog!
Congratulations on passing the exam! I pray that your next steps will become clear and you feel at peace about things.
Thank you!!!
I’m glad that you passed. Congratulations!
Thank you!
You’re welcome!
Congratulations on passing! 🙂
Thank you!
Congratulations!
Thank you!!
Fantastic that you passed the exam. About the only good thing about the day was the immediacy of getting the good results. Ugh. You earned this. Congratulations and best of luck with the job seeking adventure. So happy for you!
Thank you!!
Congratulations! You don’t have to tacit over! I am tired just reading how you got out of there. Not a fan of parking decks.
Take it over, not tacit
Thank you!
I always hold a sense of wonder for people who have their whole life planned out and everything always seems to go as planned. You and I, we have more interesting, adventurous lives, Rachel. 🙂 (Well, at least that seems like a good way to look at it!) Amy
I like your way of seeing things!
Congratulations.
Thank you!
It sounds like a T.S.A. experience (test-takers suffer anxiety).
I’m so glad you passed, Rachel! What a relief! I’m sure you will,in time, get over the trauma of the horrors of the that day. Congratulations!!
Thank you!!!
Congratulations!! I suspect that the job hunt will go quicker than you think. Good luck!
Thank you!!!
Is there such a thing as a dog social worker? I’d look into this as a new business opportunity. Congrats on the test! It was never in doubt for those of us in your fan club.
Thank you so much!
Congratulations on passing the examination and eventually finding your car. I hope everything else works out with the job hunting. Fingers crossed.
Thank you! Fingers and paws crossed!
Congratulations!
Thank you!
Well-written engaging memoir with a universal ring. I have been there, the test and the parking lot. Thank you
Thank you!
Congratulations!
Thank you!
Congratulations on passing the exam. We’ve all spent hours wandering round multi-storey car parks wondering where we left the car but appreciate you could’ve have done without the added stress at the end of a stressful day.
Thank you!
I always had faith that you would pass, but it does sound unnecessarily harsh. More like being recruited into the CIA! I have ‘lost’ a car in a big car park before, and felt that same frustration and sense of panic.
Well done, Rachel, and ‘Congratulations!’.
Best wishes, Pete.
Thank you so much!
Congrats on passing the licensing exam. The experience sounds like a bad dream.
Thank you! It really did have that loopy surreal quality!
Congratulations on the exam. The stress will be rewarded.
Thank you! I hope so!
Congrats! Hope you will still continue writing while working in your new career.
Thank you! I don’t think I could get through any of it without writing!
Have a Happy Passover! ❤
Thank you! And happy holidays to you!
Way to go! Test taking is awful. Awesome news on that pass 🙂
Thank you!
Congrats to you! That building sounds like my worst nightmare. I get lost so easily anyway!
Thank you! Next time I will leave a chicken treat in the car and make sure I have Cricket with me. I will never get lost again!
I use cellphone pics in every direction to ID my spot before I leave a multi-tiered lot. In addition to working when I need it the procedure alone often sticks the location in my 73 year old memory.
That’s brilliant!
So glad!
Thank you!
Mazel tov on passing your exam! What an accomplishment. Cheers!
Thank you so much!
You passed! How wonderful Rachel. Well done!!!!!
Thank you so much!
Have a wonderful weekend and blessings for Passover
Thank you!
Congrats on passing your exam! And I suggest you do get Uber or Lyft on your phone and learn how to use them. I have started using them when I’m going someplace knew and it’s a high anxiety situation. It really helps a lot with anxiety, and usually it’s not very expensive at all.
Thank you!
Congratulations on passing the exam. Good luck on the job search. And best wishes for Chag Kasher V’Sameach.
Thank you! And a zissen pesach to you!
Wow, that sounds like quite an ordeal. But, yay, you passed the exam! Congratulations!!
Thank you!!!
Yikes, quite the experience! I’m not surprised you were shaken by it all, but what a wonderful feeling to come home. Huuuuuge congratulations are in order!! I think you’ve linked this to life in general really well – “I feel like every step forward in my life has been a step into the dark, with no clear signage, and no certainty that I’m even looking in the right place.” I feel like this, too. Perhaps there’s no real moral or uplifting twist to put on it all; we just need to remember that we’re not alone in feeling like this, in struggling or the uncertainty, but to keep going, step by step and keeping a little faith alive along the way. A fantastic post, and congrats again! 🙂
Caz xxxx
Thank you so much!
Congrats, Rachel, well done! May the path to your happy job be clear.
Thank you!
Congratulations on passing the exam! (And on finding the exam room…and afterwards, your car.) Best wishes for your job search! It’s not always easy to find a job that fits both personality and professional skills. Worth looking for, however.
Thank you!
Congratulations!!! Wishing you all the luck for a positive job search!
Thank you!
Cograts!
Thank you!
I am so glad you passed the exam and what a relief that you didn’t have to wait as in the old days for your results. I have regular nightmares (at night, in my sleep) when I am searching for my car, so needless to say I felt your panic. I once got lost finding my way to an exam and pleaded to be let in. I whizzed through the test(it was to qualify for Adult Education teaching) but they actually wouldn’t let me leave until the 3 hours was up. I had never heard of such a thing. I did a lot of poetry writing exploration in the margins of the test booklet.
Ha! Did they grade the poetry too?
I always wondered what they thought of it.
Whew! Sure glad you finally found your car and found your way home. Congrats on passing the test. Never a doubt!! ❤ Happy Easter! ❤
Thank you! Happy Easter!
Congratulations! You will be an asset as a social worker to any organization. Best of luck with your job search.
Thank you so much!
Congratulations! Now the learning curve continues!
Thank you! And, oy.
Huge Congratulations on passing your exam!! I hope you can enjoy the successful conclusion of one journey as you begin another…there is a lucky employer waiting somewhere for you. I know it.
I also understand the horrors associated with losing a car in a parking garage which apparently has been designed by people who enjoy other people’s misery.
Thank goodness for your mom and the girls!
Celebrate yourself today!!
Thank you! Cricket prefers that I celebrate her, though.
Congratulations on passing the exam!! I too have spent a fruitless time looking for my car but I found it without too much trouble – I just followed the sound of the car alarm that I set off :o) Ok, not the best thing to do, but it was only for a few seconds and I got to the car. I have done the same on open shopping center carparks when I forgot just which land I had left the car in. So you are not alone in that regard. But again – Congratulations – not comes the fun part – looking for work.
Thank you!
Congratulations! I sympathise with your search. I get lost if I go around two corners… all the best with your job search.
Thank you!
Congratulations Rachel, so happy you passed your exams! 🤗🎈🎉🍀
Thank you!
Oh my, well done for your exams, and well done for getting there and keeping your cool. Wht you’re saying is very true, there is no guarantee, no helpful mindset etc. Just one day at a time, and so far, so very good! Well done and god luck in your job search :***
Thank you!
Congratulations. And you will find a good social work job. It will most likely be your first of many. As you work in actuality your direction should become clearer. I have 40 years in the field this year. Most of my jobs were worthwhile and a few were paychecks that let me live my life. Congrats to you again. The field needs new and fresh personnel.
Thank you!
Congratulations. Even labyrinths have interesting twists and turns. I hope you find joys all along the way. 🙂
Thank you! I’m trying.
That was a grueling experience!
It reminded me of the time I took a test for federal government service. By the time I found parking, and went through the maze of hallways, I was tired before I started the test.
I made 95%. There were many veterans taking that test, too, and I found out later that points were added to a score if you were a veteran, disabled veteran, etc. I would much rather a veteran have the chance for a job, it was just a bit of a shock to know that a score below 96% probably meant I wouldn’t get a job.
Are you going to be looking for a job doing counseling? I know two people who have their M.S. in social work and do counseling. One works for herself and sees clients at her home. The other one had an office but couldn’t get enough clients to stay in business so she had to go to work for a large clinic.
I wish you a lot of luck in your job search. You know so many people, and many times getting a job is “who you know” and not “what you know.” The test you took opens the door, but you might have to open many more doors before you find the one that’s meant for you. 🙂
I’m definitely looking for a counseling/therapist job at a clinic of some kind where I can get a lot of experience with all different kinds of people. It might take some time, but hopefully the search will take me where I need to go.
I have a feeling you’re going to be great at it, no matter where you work. 🙂
Thank you so much!