For the past few years, the Israel Engagement committee at my synagogue has been showing Israeli films a few times a year, as a way to explore the modern state of Israel from the point of view of its own citizens. This year the theme is movies made by Palestinian Israelis, and told from a Palestinian perspective. You might think this would be a weak draw at a synagogue on Long Island, but more people came to the first movie of the year than come to most Friday night services.
This was my first time going. When the series first started I was busy with graduate school and too exhausted to go back to synagogue for an extra night, to sit in uncomfortable chairs and watch movies I could easily watch online. I finally went this year for a practical reason: I’m on another committee that’s planning to show a movie in a few months, and I wanted to see how the Israel Engagement committee managed the scheduling, snacks and seating, and the actual showing of the movie (and no one else on the committee volunteered to go).
“We’ll just wait here for you, Mommy.”
Mom came with me for moral support, and we both decided to skip the schmoozing period before the movie. It turned out that even though the movie was listed as starting at seven, it actually didn’t start until after eight o’clock, so many people were still arriving long after Mom and I found seats in the back of the sanctuary (the film was being shown on one of the new screens in the remodeled sanctuary, to justify the expense of building screens into the design). This was my first lesson from the movie – don’t plan for seven and show the movie at eight, no matter how many people talk about “Jewish Time”. Fifteen minutes for schmoozing and late arrivals, and then start the movie, because I don’t want to be there forever.
The head of the Israel Engagement committee gave a brief introduction to the theme for the year, and a warning to the one sixteen year old in the audience that he had just made the age cut off, because there was some drugs and other adult themes in the movie.
I was a little apprehensive, partly because I’m always tense before seeing movies in movie theatres, worried that I’ll be trapped for an hour and a half watching a movie I don’t like, but also partly because the movie was billed as coming from a Palestinian perspective, and I had no idea what that would mean. The description of the movie had said that it was a story about three Palestinian women living together in an apartment in Tel Aviv, and it sounded like a sort of comedy/relationship movie, but there could still be anti-Jewish or anti-Israeli stuff going on, and while I’ve worked hard to challenge myself with different perspectives on Israel I tend to do it at home, where I can stop the movie or close the book and take a few deep breaths and pet a dog before continuing.
Two dogs available for petting.
Once the lights went out I took a deep breath and told myself to accept the challenge of watching the movie, because, really, it wouldn’t kill me. I might get bored, or annoyed, but how bad could it be, especially with so many other members of my congregation filling the room. I rolled my eyes at all of the marijuana, and the smarmy men hitting on the gorgeous women at the beginning of the movie. I couldn’t really tell when the dialogue switched from Arabic to Hebrew, because they all spoke so quickly and fluently in both languages. The whole thing hurt my ego, because after so much effort to work on my Hebrew I was still stuck reading the subtitles like everyone else.
I noticed that even though some of the men in the movie were creepy, either overly smarmy or overly controlling, there were a lot of other characters worth watching, straight and gay, religious and secular, successful and not so successful. And the actresses in the main roles were very good, luminous really, and funny and smart and interesting. The friendships developing among the women, once the early partying and drug scenes were out of the way, were surprisingly gentle and sweet, and I started to really care about what happened to them, especially to the religious girl who seemed very familiar to me, despite being a religious Muslim rather than a religious Jew. I was almost patting myself on the back for my open-mindedness by then, for being able to look past the drugs and the sex and the politics and just enjoy the people.
And then the rape happened. I saw it coming when the controlling fiancé touched his girlfriend’s hair-covering and started to tug on it. No, I saw it coming before then, in the way he tried to control where she lived and what she planned to do for work once they were married. The conflict was all telegraphed from the beginning, but it was played light and sort of funny, and I figured that over the course of the film the religious girl would come to realize that some kind of independence would be great and maybe she didn’t have to do every single thing her fiancé or male relatives told her to do. I assumed that the movie would continue in the same light-hearted style, with the sex happening behind closed doors, and all of the challenging topics addressed with humor and ellipses.
And then the fiancé touched the religious girl’s hair covering (they didn’t call it a hijab in the movie, so I’m not calling it a hijab, even though that’s the only word I know for a Muslim woman’s hair covering). My whole body tensed, because I know what it means for a religious man to break what other people might see as a minor boundary. I don’t care if you are Muslim or Jewish or Christian, if you follow modesty laws and you suddenly break them, watch out.
“I’m watching them. All of them.”
The rape started so quickly, and I was so busy telling the girl (silently) to get the hell out of there, that it took me a second to really freak out. I wanted to drag that man off of her, just reach up into the screen and toss him to the floor, and I couldn’t. The only thing I could do was run, or walk, out of there. If she couldn’t run, I would have to run for her.
I stood up awkwardly, because there wasn’t a lot of room between the rows of chairs, and quietly told my mother that I had to leave. I was willing to sit alone in the hall by myself for the next hour or two, if necessary, but I wasn’t going to stay in that room and watch a woman being raped. I felt like, by sitting there, I was allowing it to happen, even making it happen.
Mom followed me out immediately, and listened to me ranting all the way home, and even sat with me, and the dogs, while we watched a Hallmark Christmas movie to recover.
It’s important to say that, even if they had warned me that there would be a rape in the movie, I’m not sure I would have known how it was going to affect me. Though, just the word rape would have been a trigger. No one used it. Watching people have sex on screen is embarrassing, and would have felt really weird in a room filled with fellow congregants, but not scary. Rape is scary.
As far as I know, no one else left. But I didn’t speak to anyone about it afterwards, so I don’t really know. I have no idea if they discussed the rape scene during the discussion after the movie, or if it had been eclipsed by other plot points by then. I don’t even know if anyone, other than the female rabbi who was sitting in front of me, even noticed that I left, or why. She emailed me after the movie, to make sure I was okay, and I sobbed with relief, because I was afraid that no one had even noticed that I’d left. Or why.
The thing is, a bunch of the people in that room have read my novel, or know about it, and know that I am an incest survivor. They do not talk to me about it, or ask me about it, though. And when I’ve offered to discuss it with the congregation, in person, in a letter, any which way, no one has taken me up on it. The fact that they can sit through a rape scene in order to show their support for Palestinian women and Palestinian filmmakers, but they don’t want to hear from me, hurts.
The rape scene, as much of it as I saw, still flashes through my mind over and over again. And I resent it. I have enough awful memories of my own. I don’t need more.
I felt selfish for walking out of the movie. I beat myself up about it for hours. I felt immature, and melodramatic, and I could hear my father’s voice in my head calling me Sarah Bernhardt and telling me that I was overreacting, again, just like I always used to do as a child when I got all riled up about my father’s behavior and the crazy conspiracy theories he liked to spin about why he kept being accused of sexual misconduct at work, with children.
But most of all I felt invisible and insignificant. I felt like, in the face of intersectionality and world issues, and the increasingly strong need for people not to think about certain things, I do not matter at all. That’s the scariest thing, to feel like I don’t matter to the people who matter to me. And I can’t shake that feeling any more than I can shake the etch-a-sketch of my mind and make the rape images go away.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
You matter, your story matters, and you are entitled to your feelings….
Thank you!
Exactly. Agreed!
I’m in agreement too!
I agree, you do matter! I’m glad you decided to take care of yourself first and not worry about how it might make someone else feel by walking out. You did exactly the right thing, I think.
Thank you!
Believe me, I would have walked out with you.
Thank you!
You stood up for your beliefs and your feelings, Rachel. I salute you. No telling who else felt uncomfortable with the movie, but even more uncomfortable to walk out. Never apologize for doing what is right for you. You go, girl!
Thank you!
My therapist refers to such moments as being hijacked. A trauma reawakened seems as real as the first time when this occurs. I grieve for the time it took you to get out of there. May your nervous system settle back down again as you sit with your mom and your beloved dogs.
Thank you! The girls are a huge help!
Wow, I didnt realize you had such an incredible story! Thank-you for sharing!
Thank you!
You matter! And I would have walked out as well. We can’t ignore what happened to you and is happening to other women and girls in a increasing hostile world. I am so sorry, and angry for you.
Thank you!
Yikes! Hard to witness such unsafe events in synagogue which is supposed to be a safe place. I would have left too.
Thank you! I’m starting to imagine a huge group of people walking out with me, and it feels awesome!
Sending you love and support and so much praise for your willingness and ability to share your life with us. If you have any doubt about your strength and resiliency, don’t – you are one of the strongest women I know! 💕
Thank you so much!!!
I’m so glad you left – and you actually did it with more class than I would have been able to muster. I also wish I’d been there – I would have ripped all of them a new one for not warning you, and for seemingly not caring about you. I am so sorry.
Thank you! I was impressed that I didn’t trip over anyone on my way out. The whole thing made me think, wait, this is okay but my dogs aren’t allowed in the building?! Cricket would have had a lot to say.
I can hear Cricket now! You really did well, and I’m proud of you – I hope you can see the positive in this, that you didn’t trip over anyone, you didn’t melt down, you handled it with aplomb. (Also, I love that word, “Aplomb”) Maverick says he will come bite bummees if you so wish, as well.
Yes! Go Maverick!!!
oh, don’t encourage him! 🙂
I’m glad you left too, I would have also. It’s not ok, to show stuff like that, at least without a warning so you can decide before it starts if you want to see the movie or not. Glad you had the strength to stand up for yourself.
Thank you!
I admire your response to your feelings. They do matter. You matter.
Thank you!
This broke my heart. Congregations are meant to be extensions of us, our spiritual and physiological beings. It’s tragically sad to me how people frequently make wrong choices between understanding a real-life tragedy that’s overcome by one we know and the safety of a movie challenge. I’m glad you walked out. I’m glad you are ok. Not ok that it hurts though.
Thank you!
Controversial subject to handle, sensitively written – you detailed your reaction in an emotive way without being overly dramatic or looking for sympathy. Not an easy read but one I appreciate you taking the time to write.
Thank you!
Oh Rachel my heart hurts at what you went through as a child and also what you had to endure that night at your synagogue! I am so proud of you for standing up and leaving. That shows the strength and courage that pulses through you. I wish the writers and directors of that movie could read this post to understand the full negative impact their “art” has imparted on a viewer. I’m so very glad you had two sweet pups waiting to embrace you when you safely arrived home that night!
Thank you!
Rachel, I am positive you did the right thing to leave when you did. In so much as no one in your Jewish community being interested in letting you tell your story… I don’t know, but I am guessing that they feel it would be too uncomfortable to hear what you would talk about because they know you, as opposed to watching a movie with people they don’t know and are only “acting.”
In the Christian bible, it says a prophet is not accepted in his own country. I think that if you feel a need to speak in public about your life, then it may have to be in a community where you are not a part. I hope this makes sense. Shalom, my friend.
Makes a lot of sense! Thank you!
I would have left with you.. You were taking care of yourself and that’s a good thing..
Thank you!
I would have left as soon as I found out there was no popcorn. I kid, I kid. You did what you felt was right. No recriminations, no second guessing from the peanut gallery.
There actually was popcorn!!!!
Oh, OK, so not a total waste of time. 😁
You are brave and awesome and beautiful! I did not know, until I read this post just now, that you are an incest survivor. However, as I was reading your wonderful novel, I suspected that the story was based on real life. Because I am also a survivor, and I recognized the ring of truth.
I have walked out of a movie that had a scene like you describe. And I certainly would have walked out with you!
When people you know and care about, people in your family, people in your neighborhood, and people in your place of worship, don’t want to hear your story and don’t seem to care about your story — in my experience, this lack of caring can hurt as much as the original abuse, if not more. And, like you said, it makes you feel like you don’t matter.
The truth is that you matter just as much as any other human being on this planet. Nobody matters more than you. You are a one of a kind God created original, and you are infinitely precious.
Last night we had a Christmas party at my church. My husband and I decided to leave early, because I was experiencing a lot of pain. I needed to get home and put my neck brace on. A woman whom I had thought was gracious and caring asked me if I had been in a car accident that caused my neck issues. I told her the truth: more than forty years ago, someone tried to break my neck, and nearly succeeded. I barely escaped with my life. And my neck has never been the same.
Her eyes glazed over like she was thinking “TMI! I’m sorry I asked. This is a holiday party and I want to enjoy it!” Then she immediately turned and began chatting with someone else.
So I came home, now in pain emotionally as well as physically. I felt like I had done something terribly wrong! But no — she is the one who asked me what had happened to destroy all but two of the discs in my neck. If she didn’t genuinely care, she shouldn’t have asked.
I wish I could say that it doesn’t happen in my place of worship. But it does. There are a lot of people who just don’t understand abuse. Lucky them.
Big ((HUGS))
Oh, I just want to clarify what I meant when I said that no one matters more than you. I believe that all humans are equally valuable and precious in our Creator’s eyes. Even when we don’t act like it. 😂
I’m so sorry for what was done to you, years ago and last night too. I had a friend once who said that I was the most empathetic person he’d ever met, because I actually seemed to care when he told me about pain or sadness, instead of changing the subject, which is what he wanted to do. I’ve certainly had times when I didn’t know what to say in response to someone else’s pain, but I would never turn away. If someone trusted me enough to share the story you shared, about the cause of your neck injury, I would know I was being honored and given a gift. Even if all I know to say is thank you in response, I know I am so lucky to be seen as trustworthy.
Aw, Rachel. Your reply just brought tears to my eyes.
In my own life there is nothing on G-d’s green earth that warrents a rape scene. Even if someone decides it is part of the script to not warn the audience is inappropriate. I have walked out of a theatre when a rape scence was shown. I avoid any film that depicts rape or abuse of women or children. Just because it exists doesn’t mean I need to see it as a form of entertainment. Good for you for walking out.
I think we need to know about rape abuse, and if the purpose of showing it is to wake people up to the reality of it, I can understand the impulse. I just know that I couldn’t stay there and watch it as if it were entertainment.
I would not be able to either.
It would have been a very hard movie to watch given the trauma you have been through yourself. You reacted the only way you could. Such a pity that your congregation has not been willing to understand your experience.
Maybe things will change over time. I hope so.
I’ve been wanting to read Yeshiva Girl but keep putting it off because I’m not that fond of my Kindle. Any chance of a print version? Or must I just tough it out and do the digital thing? I will – your book is worth it – just let me know!
There is a print version available on Amazon. I don’t even have a kindle myself. I know I’m supposed to be tech savvy and up to date, but there’s nothing like reading a book that’s actually a book.
Ok, I must be misunderstanding the Amazon site. I’ll go back and look at it on my computer… I never do as well on my phone.
Well done Rachel,
Proverbs 4:23 tells us to ‘Guard our hearts’ and you had the courage to resist the pressure of the others and do what was right for your heart.
Sadly there will always people in life who do not ‘get it’, but the compassion of those who do, makes up for that. Just read your comments and be encouraged,
God Bless 🙂
Thank you! The comments I get on the blog are my lifeline. Always.
You did the right thingRachel and took care of yourself. Visual imagery is incredibly powerful.
Thank you! I think you’re right about visual imagery. We take the power of movies for granted but what we see on screen feels real to us. It fools our brains so thoroughly that we believe we are right there, on the roller coaster, flying through the air, experiencing whatever the movie chooses to portray.
Yes,thts true so sensitives such as you need to be extra careful.
I’m glad you walked out, Rachel. I would have likely have done the same. That said, I am a big fan of honesty. A journalist rather than a novelist, if you will. I am not into sugar-coating. I see myself as descriptivist rather than prescriptivist. Accordingly, I support telling it like it is. Including turning over society’s rocks and nodding at the existence of the ugly creepy-crawlies that lie beneath. The first step to ridding ourselves of the vilest parts of our nature is to acknowledge that those things do indeed exist. Pretending they don’t will just allow the evildoers to continue doing wrecking lives. But that doesn’t mean that I am going to sit there and watch them do their thing.
Agreed.
It was brave of you to go and it was brave of you to take a stand and walk out. Good on you for not subjecting yourself to further trauma!!
Thank you!
Tough. Take care.
Thank you!
I join with a host of others on saying your walking out was right for you and any others who wished they had!
Thank you!
Given that you have made no secret of your personal history, and some of those present have read your book, I have to say I am surprised that nobody thought to mention that film would contain a rape scene. (I am sure that would have been in any synopsis) It is obvious to me how that would trigger your emotions, and I have never even met you.
Best wishes, Pete.
Thank you!
That was a complex blog about a complex situation and your complex feelings. Rape scenes in films are disturbing even to those who have not experienced abuse. In that film disturbing because rape by someone close does happen. I imagine your congregation find it hard to talk to you about your past because it is hard to accept abuse within the sanctuary of the family, abuse in one’s own community. Human beings when not sure what to say tend to close up and say nothing, The a Christian church in all its branches is still finding it hard to admit, let alone talk about the many abuses that have gone on.
I think you’re right. I hope we can find ways to talk more openly over time.
Love and support, take care! 😊
Thank you!
What a horrible experience for you. I did not realize you were a survivor till now, but I honor you for surviving, and for offering to share your story. I think your synagogue should have taken you up on that offer. Thank you for this post. God bless you.
Thank you!
Can’t even think of a ‘right’ thing to write. So sorry for the pain you carry always…
Thank you!
It seems like at the same time they were warning about drugs, they could have warned everyone that there was a rape scene. It’s disturbing to me that they did not think there was a problem with showing that, even though they were worried about some weed. (Or that they were so scared to mention it, they just said “adult themes” and left it at that.) There are SO MANY good reasons a person may not want to watch a rape scene. If they are going to show the movie, they should be able to at least say “there is also a scene of sexual violence,” ahead of time, the same way you might give a warning like “this contains a scene of graphic violence. Hopefully they will take that recommendation to heart from you.
That would be wonderful!
I’m proud that you did what you did, Rachel! You had a boundary in place and EVERY RIGHT to walk out! I wish someone had shown you some support for it, but nonetheless, taking care of yourself was the right thing to do, and I support your decision!
Thank you!
I watched the movie “Splinter” and had much the same reaction. Thankfully I was at home and could take some anti-anxiety medicine and do the things that help me get over a panic attack. I was horrified and I’ve told anyone who will listen why they should NOT watch that particular movie. There was no rape in it, but there was a lot of violence and one of the ‘victims’ (who turned out to be the strongest character of all of them) had been abused as a child. I recognized her immediately. I did not know that it would trigger me as badly as it did though. Like you it was a sort of revelation. I now put boundaries in place of what I’ll watch because I know I can’t handle sexual abuse scenes of any sort. I hope you feel calmer presently and realize that the people making that movie were trying to show the reality of the situation over there for some people. Women (as I’ve heard anyway) have no voice over in Israel, but that could just be my perception. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. And I hope you tell the organizers that they need to be more clear if there’s that sort of violence and sexual content in the films they choose.
In Israel in general women have about the same level of power as women in America, whatever that is, but in traditional communities, be they Jewish or Muslim, women have a harder time being heard. And I think you’re right, that that was a big part of the message of the movie and the filmmakers meant well.
Good for you for walking out.
Drink, drugs, suicide and flashing lights all carry warnings, and so should this. It is bad enough when rape or others forms of sexual violence are implied, but when it is actually shown that’s another kettle of fish.
Agreed. Thank you!
I have walked out on more than one movie in my life, either b/c scenes brought up memories of my own abuse or b/c the topic of abuse was treated lightly.
I applaud you getting up and walking out! We have to stand up for what is wrong in life! I fully realize we can not all be “Daniel’s” but we need to assert ourselves in all that is wrong. Daniel was a friend of mine who was leaving a bar on a Saturday night. He caught a pimp beating a hooker in an alley and confronted the pimp. After telling the pimp she was a woman who should be respected and not violated and offering to escort her out of the alley, the pimp stabbed him to death. I know Daniel would have said, “at least before he died, she was able to know not all men victimize women” and he would rest in peace knowing he did his part for women, simply because ‘that was who Daniel was as a man’. Thank You Rachel for your part in standing for morality and respect!
I’m so sorry to hear of Daniel’s death. I wish good intentions always garnered happy endings.
I would have walked out with you as well. You do matter.
Thank you!
Proud of you what you did. I did something similar what you did only I did it when I was in college. our professor warned us and I knew I couldn’t stay. Of course had personal reasons why I walked out of the classroom while the movie was showing.
You did nothing wrong. Did what you felt you had to do. I support you.
At least you had cute doggies to pet.
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this, I’m sure the whole experience was very painful. I personally re-lived a couple of sexual assaults (that I had pushed to the back of my mind) during the Christine Blasey Ford testimony.
I’d bet a lot of people found that situation triggering. There are so many abuses that women have been expected to tolerate silently for so long. Men too. I wish that we, as a society, could tolerate our responses to abuse with anything like the equanimity we’ve been expected to show in the face of abuse all along.
Well said. I am sad to admit that my response–in 2 instances–was shame and silence.
Me too.
Sounds like you had some very intense emotions that were very real and disturbing. Good for you for walking out!
Thank you!
Rachel, I feel you. It sounds like I’ve been there with you watching the same thing and being affected by it.
It’s a relief not to be alone.
I’m so sorry, Rachel! You did the right thing to walk out on that movie, and I hope you are able to stop feeling guilty about it. You matter, and so do your feelings and so do your experiences. No one has the right to make you feel otherwise.
Thank you!
Good you walked out. I would have done the same, I can’t stand the sight of that even if it’s just a movie…It’s Wrong to show all that
I understand how you felt being alone is all you needed at that point, you did the right thing don’t feel otherwise.
Thank you!
I totally get that and other than the mere exercise of needing to see how the other group ran their movie night, I’d have preferred to “schmooze” with the janitor and hard-of-hearing spouses out in the hallway the entire movie. Better yet, I’d have curled up with a book and ear buds elsewhere til it was over to see how the after-party portion was run. Politics, drugs, obscenities and violence are on my Zero Tolerance list to subject myself to. I have a near-photographic memory and cannot “un-see” things which upset me greatly, although in my case it’s especially strong concerning violence to animals. I want to baseball bat people who abuse dogs and cats especially. Hard. And I’m Nice for a Living, so feeling enraged like that is something I avoid because the polarity is almost as upsetting to me as the image I can’t get out of my head. Not to mention just the experiencing of the rage that wells up scares the heck out of me and I don’t like it. My whole life I have had to avoid images or scenes that try to get etched into my brain and give me nightmares.
I get that weird silence thing, too. In my youth people sucked but my pets were always there for me, so I have this drive to protect them the way I never felt protected. I’m self-aware to know this about myself but trying to get my artwork “out there” these last few months to folks who are Crazy Dog Ladies and Guys like me and hoping they’d be supportive has been a kick in the teeth emotionally. My entire family and friends lists have been suddenly silent on all of my social media since the announcement that I designed stuff to benefit animal rescue groups and would they please share the posts to their lists to help get sales rolling. Nada. I’ve sold 14 Dog Lover Planners and 8 Cat Lover Planners as of this writing but a slow start amidst sounds of silence is not going to stop me from applying my art to things like coloring books and more whether I get my family’s support or not. Don’t fret about who is buying your book or talking about the issues therein from your “usual” circle. I imagine most would tell you they just don’t know what to say. They most likely do feel awkward talking with you about it because they have no personal frame of reference to understand or overcome the historical dissonance of a taboo subject, good in a sense that that may be. Their reaction (or seeming lack thereof) doesn’t identify you one way or the other unless you allow it to. It also does not make them bad or uncaring people; they just simply don’t get it.
As a volunteer manager, peacekeeper and conflicting personality mitigator who gets folks to play nicely together (I dub my job title: Professional Cat Herder), I listen to more life stories than you can imagine. Here’s what Professional You would tell Client You: yes-acknowledging it happened and don’t allow gaslighting to cover up that fact or tell you it was all in your head, yes-you are a survivor, and no-you are not a victim. In other words, you WERE a victim, but you ARE NOW a survivor. If the emotional need to have others empathize with helpless young you re: the bad thing is still stronger than the emotional need to rub elbows with kindred spirits in the here-and-now who have survived bad crap, you are likely to continue to encounter that weird awkwardness of nobody in your congregation asking you about it. If they don’t relate, they don’t relate. What many, many more will relate to is how you have taken control over it and not vice versa to now identify as a survivor who is shedding light on ugliness to help others recognize it (like you saw coming in the movie) ahead of time to get the heck out of Dodge before it happens, or if God forbid it does, to report it without being manipulated by the gaslighting and emotional abuse BS your narcissist father pulled on you. Rub elbows with other survivors of bad stuff and you will have more support than you can imagine. Everybody relates to overcoming challenges in their lives, so play on that team. Due to the extent of emotional abuse involved in sex crimes, dealing with the anger you have at your family will likely be an eternal struggle to be fought and won by deliberate forgiveness daily to let it go or at least not allow it to dominate you. Writing about it is excellent therapy, so kudos on keeping that up. One of my fave daily affirmations you may like to adopt: I am not crazy and I alone am the boss of me!
Wow! Thank you!
It takes a lot of courage to do what’s best for ourselves. I hope you come to feel proud of that. You do matter, very much. You are entirely entitled to your feelings and I hope your synagogue will take the proper queue by supplying a trigger warning in the future when presenting such films. It’s what any socially responsible organization would do for you and every person who has experienced such personal violence. Gentle hugs. I hope it doesn’t trigger long term issues.
Thank you! All of the support has helped a ton!
An honest, thought-provoking, and powerful post. Thank you for sharing so openly.
Thank you!
‘Liked’ does not really seem the right response to this powerful post. I don’t know what to say, but I didn’t want to say nothing. I have seen that movie and can only begin to imagine the effect it had on you. You did good, by walking out, taking care of yourself. Maybe you are stronger than you know. You certainly do matter.
Thank you!