I don’t know if the new dose of the antidepressant kicked in, or if it was just because of the cold weather, but the other day I finally felt like baking again. Mom and I looked through cookie recipes and cake recipes and then we settled on a Buttermilk Seed Bread, because it just sounded right. There’s something about the way bread dough needs to rest, and rest again, that resonates with me.
I didn’t knead the dough myself (that’s what Kitchenaid mixers and dough hooks are for, it turns out), but I helped mix in the ingredients (whole wheat flour, titular Buttermilk, cranberries, dates, poppy seeds, sunflower seeds, etc.), and helped punch down the dough after the first rise (so satisfying!), and put it into the loaf pans to rise again. I fell asleep before the bread was ready to go into the oven, but at least it was a start.
Despite the mass baking on social media (sourdough and banana bread especially) that occurred during the stay at home orders and boredom of Covid, I haven’t done much baking, or even cooking for the past two years. I made cookies once or twice, from a mix, and I chopped vegetables here and there, but mostly I reheated frozen dinners and opened cans of soup and smeared peanut butter on almost everything, while Mom did the actual cooking.
I used to cook every day, and bake a lot too, but I’ve been so tired, for so long, that I’ve gotten used to not wanting to do things, especially in the kitchen, where standing on the hard floor and leaning over the sink or the counter or the dishwasher leaves me feeling like I’ve been stabbed in the back with a cleaver. But for some reason, the other day, I felt like baking, so that’s what we did.
Each day this past week we lit our Chanukah candles – either with our congregation on Zoom or just me and Mom and the dogs – and even though it often felt like a chore, like something I just had to get done, sometimes the sparks of light reached me and made a difference.
There’s something about the way the fire grows by one candle each night of Chanukah that makes sense to me. It fits the way I live my life, growing slowly each day, doing a little bit more and a little bit more, until seemingly out of nowhere, I’ve achieved something I didn’t know I could do. The way the Chanukah candles grow brighter each day of the holiday, instead of dimmer, makes me feel like it’s okay to pace myself, and to make the most of each day in whatever way works for me (naps, snacks, more naps, repeat), allowing me to focus on letting the fire grow instead of dim as I go forward.
I’m not suddenly cooking every day, but I’m noticing that I want to do more. I want to go to the Costco near us and buy…something, and I want to take a trip…somewhere. I’m not up to it yet, but for now it’s enough to know that I want to do these things; that they even sound like fun.
After a few days of making sandwiches with the new bread (pastrami with mustard), I found a recipe for marzipan filled rugelach. I haven’t made them yet, but I bought all of the ingredients, so those Chanukah candles are adding up to something. I’m not setting the world on fire yet, but I’m wondering what else might start to sound good again, and I’m looking forward to finding out.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
The bread looks great! (Did you put any peanut butter on it? 😉)
Ha! I was so busy with the pastrami I forgot the peanut butter!
Go on, and what more
with the pastrami?
More pastrami!!!!
I was drawn to your recent posts Rachel. I am Jewish also and so I think part of the spirit of your posts are the Jewish symbols that resonated to me. I loved your writing and your desire to share your journey. You have chutzpah!!! God Bless you. JacQuelyne
Thank you so much!
I could just reach in there for a bite of that delicious looking bread. I think I’d have to fight your two lovely dogs for it too. They look very interested. So glad to hear that you’re feeling enthused. I bake a lot and it makes the house smell great – gives it that homey feeling, happy, and cozy, warm and fuzzy and all that. Keep it up, Rachel. Doing great!
Thank you!
I’m so glad you seem to be emerging from your Slough of Despond!
Thank you!
Wonderful. Whatever the reason, enjoy the light and energy while it’s with you. 😊 I’ve done more baking in the covid era returning to pumpkin bread again and again, delicious and easy to make!
Mmm, sounds good!
I always mixed my yeasted bread dough by hand (and have the muscles to prove!), but then I discovered the KitchenAid dough hook! Is that little tool magical or what?! I am the yeast bread queen now! Cricket, I hope you did get some peanut butter. Poor little one…you look starved! 😄
Ha! She always looks starved, especially right after she’s eaten.
I love cooking, I find it very relaxing. Your bread looks and sounds amazing – carry on cooking!
I will try! Thank you!
The bread looks sooooo good! And I love the way you can see lighting one candle each day as a metaphor for your life. One day at a time!
Thank you!
Rachel, I often wonder how you are … this week as Gary lit the candles was such an occasion. I’ll encourage you from afar: across the continent. I’ll send courage and some love of cooking if that’s at all possible!
Thank you!!!!
Hi Rachel your post really resonated with me. When I was married I cooked and baked and now after the divorce I’m having to decide if that’s stuff I want to do again. I eat frozen dinners and sandwiches a lot! Hugs to you all there!
As long as the food tastes good I think easy is a good thing.
I make dough in my bread maker. My husband laughs because I rarely want an actual loaf baked in it, but I always use it for the dough. I’m glad you are feeling a little more like yourself. ((HUGS))
Thank you!
Just like the bread, your spirit will rise again 😅 Stay safe, stay happy 😻🌈
Thank you!
Glad you’re feeling more energetic, Rachel!
Thank you!
Was the bread as delicious as it looked?
Yes!
Whatever the reason this must be good news
I hope so!
I like using tools to knead too. Why exert energy I don’t need to I say 😊
Exactly!
That bread looks delicious. I would love to try a slice. Well done with that loaf, Rachel.
Best wishes, Pete.
Thank you!
The bread sounds delicious. Happy Chanukah!!
Thank you!
I love that you followed your creative instincts. The bread looks fabulous.
Thank you!
Pawsome post, like always Rachel, thank you so much for sharing and that bread just looks delicious. I would love the recipe. Have a nice week, stay healthy and be safe.
Thank you! You too!
I’ve always called my kitchen “my happy place”. This is the first year in a while I haven’t been simmering/sauteing/stirring something every day. I got into my ‘nesting’ tradition earlier than usual this year, so my freezer is full of homemade goodies to thaw and eat – none of them sound good, though! I applaud your willingness to make good use of your energy and do something productive with it, and I’m glad you recognize that, like the candles, you don’t have to set the world on fire instantly but just bring an extra little light to it each day! Peace and blessings to you!
Thank you! To you too!
Mmmm… pastrami! I like how the bread baking resonates with you. I’ve never been brave enough to make yeast bread, although I got into quick breads for a while (perhaps a return to them is in my future). I also like your insight about doing a little more each day. I need to internalize that myself. Finally, I feel happy that you are starting to want to do things, because they sound like fun. That’s the first step!
Absolutely!!!!
Hi Rachel. Just discovered your blog and your book! Congrats! I also write fiction that features orthodox characters. I look forward to reading it. Do you ever make challah? I use a bread machine. Delicious! Also, I liked your thoughts on seeing the flames grown each night of Chanukah. I learned that is the reason the rabbis instituted lighting in that matter (Hillel vs. Shamai), rather with starting with 8 and lighting one less each night, One should always seek to increase the light in darkness. Happy Chanukah!
Happy Chanukah to you too!
Fire! Fire! I like to watch the fire 🔥
I don’t often make desserts, but I successfully made delicious no bake almond Joy fudge and plan to make a no bake fruit cake for my MIL for Christmas. Your bread looks delicious.
Yum!!!!
Great News! I made Challah once and it was without my KitchenAide (mistake!). Happy Chanukkah!
Ha! I used to be the designated kneader in the house, but the kitchenaid does it better than I ever could.
That bread looks delicious!
Thank you!
Good homemade bread will warm the heart as well as the kitchen. This bread looks just right for the holiday season. Can you give us the recipe? I Googled it, but none of the recipes I found called for cranberries.
Ah! We added the cranberries and dates to the original recipe. I think the original buttermilk seed bread was from allrecipes, but I could be wrong.
This sounds really positive. I don’t know that I’m there yet with the wanting to do stuff feeling, but I can definitely see it as a positive state to strive for. There’s so much hope in this post. Happy Chanukah!
Thank you! I’m rooting for you!
As usual, a good post! I used to bake bread weekly; loved that i could choose my own ingredients: sunflowers, seeds, good stuff. Now, I make my own granola!
Awesome!
Yummy, pastrami and mustard on your homemade bread with all the wonderful ingredients in it! I can’t wait to read what your next step will be in letting the light of Hanukkah fill your life.
Me too!!!
Great way to loaf! 😉
Ha!
I love the aroma of baking bread! When I’m depressed, I sometimes make bread pudding. It’s my favorite comfort food.
Yum!!!!!!
The bread looks yummy! And the baking spirits must have been visiting both of us this weekend–but mine couldn’t get me to act:). Went to a holiday house walk and the older church ladies all baked holiday cookies to share. They looked and tasted amazing–and made me want to get going on the baking. Mine never look like theirs, though. Sigh.
If it tastes good, who cares what it looks like! Mutant cookies are delicious!
That’s a wonderful way to think about it!
This was so uplifting and positive, thank you for making my day!
Thank you!!!!!
How exciting! Looking forward to hearing about more baking/cooking discoveries!
Cricket wants me to make chicken cookies, but I’m not sure.
When so much of life has just been about surviving, complying and getting through any spark of “I want to” is such a welcome surprise. I am glad you had a couple of such sparks this week.
Me too! I hope the sparks are flying to as many places as possible.
My old psychiatrist used to say sometimes medicine gets our sunken ship off the bottom of the ocean so that we can begin to unpack it. I am glad that the medicine may have helped this time.
Me too!
Your bread looks delicious!
Thank you!
Great to know that the lure of the stove is tempting you again. You’ll enjoy the output.
Thank you! I hope so!
I consider your writings a precious gift. I thank you for all of them.
Thank you so much!!!!
Love your Chanukah menorah, beautiful and festive.
Thank you!
Progress! Wanting something is a good start!
I hope so!
Happy Chanukah, Rachel. I took menorah photos each night to send to my daughter and she sends me hers. It’s a fun tradition. Mine also are on Facebook.
Lovely tradition!
What a beautiful post! I love the connection you make between the Chanukah candles and pacing yourself as everything starts to add up and become something you didn’t know you could achieve. I find myself feeling hopeful for you too as you anticipate what other things you’ll find yourself desiring to do.
Thank you so much!
Your photos of the menorah are beautiful! Something to enjoy whether you cook or not. 😉
Thank you!
Good
Your buttermilk seed bread looks very good, Rachel, and you can’t go wrong with pastrami and mustard 🙂
Agreed! Thank you!
marzipan filled rugelach! Share recipe? ^_^
I have to make them first – taste testing, you know.
Lovely blog and lovely bread. Thank you.
Thank you!
Glad your beginning to feel like doing more. I so know that feeling of just nit having the energy or desire to do things you used to enjoy. Keep making progress a day at a time x
Thank you!