A few weeks ago I was afraid Cricket was on the edge of life, diagnosed with kidney disease, struggling to walk, knocking into things. We started giving her subcutaneous fluids on the off chance that it would help extend her life, and it’s actually working. Though in order to give her the fluids we have to medicate her with a combination of gabapentin and ACE, which makes her woozy for hours. At times, she seems like a wraith, her feet slipping out from under her, not even protesting when the needle slips under her skin.
Ideally, she would have gotten used to the whole procedure by now, and she wouldn’t try to pull off the muzzle, or lift up her head to get away from the needle. Ideally, I’d never have to give her any calming meds at all and she would just accept the fluids as a necessary evil and get it over with and get back to living her life. But then she wouldn’t be Cricket, and all of this effort is to make sure she gets to be Cricket for as long as possible.
Every day, at the beginning of all of this, I was afraid she was going to die overnight, and when she actually woke up in the morning, and ate her breakfast, I was surprised, and afraid to be hopeful. But with each day she seems to improve a little bit. The meds make her into a rag doll, yes, but then the next morning, after she’s slept it off, it’s like she’s been brought back to life, refilled with her fluids and her spirit, and ready to sniff the whole world again.
It’s still nerve-wracking to watch her skin fill up with the fluids. I even worry sometimes that her neck is going to explode (I’ve seen too many movies), and I worry that I’m going to put the needle in the wrong place and puncture something vital. I was worried for a while that I was inserting the needle the wrong way and causing scar tissue to form because I could feel these quarter-sized bumps under her skin and I was afraid I would run out of loose skin and not be able to give her the fluids anymore, but then the bumps started to dissolve, and that worry, at least, went away. So much of this is trial and error and the circumstances seem to change every day. It feels like a magic trick each time she wakes up in the morning and walks and barks and eats and acts like herself, but a magic trick that is unreliable and hard won.
I’ve been thinking about my friend Teddy, the miniature poodle, who died from kidney disease a few years ago. His death came as a surprise, at least to me. He hadn’t been diagnosed with the disease ahead of time, and by the time they caught it he was too far gone to be helped by fluids or anything else. When Cricket was diagnosed I was afraid it would be the same thing, and every day, even though I knew her case was different, I expected the same results.
Some days are better than others. Every once in while she has a bad night, her breathing is shallow, she pees on the floor because she can’t get to the wee wee pad in time, or she’s not up to climbing the stairs, but other days she seems to be getting better, growing stronger, and enjoying her life.
I was telling myself that I just needed Cricket to reach her sixteenth birthday, but now that she’s accomplished that goal, I need more. I need to feel like I did everything I could possibly do for her. I need to not have any regrets, and not feel like if only I had been stronger or smarter or kinder or more loving, she would have lived longer.
I’m also doing my best to make sure Ellie doesn’t feel left out, and gets extra hugs and scratchies and treats to make up for all of the attention her sister is getting. But when Cricket feels better she goes back to taunting Ellie, so then I feel guilty for taking such good care of Cricket and, at the same time, I feel guilty for not taking good enough care of her.
The thing is, Cricket isn’t giving up. She doesn’t think sixteen years is enough, even if each day is a little harder than it used to be. And if she’s going to be this stubborn, then I guess I’m going to have to be stubborn too.
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rachelmankowitz 
Don’t give up yet Cricket.
You’re doing everything you can, and I bet Cricket knows it so is fighting right along with you!
She’s a warrior!
Cricket says she still has a whole lotta Cricket left in her! Thankfully.
She has so much Cricket-y energy left!
Yay!! Now where are the chicken treats??!!
So glad to hear that Cricket is still with you. She is feisty and I don’t see her giving up – not until she is good and ready. And I hope that is still some time away.
Me too!
Each of our companions is so special. I cherish each one.
Me too!
It’s been said more than a few times that persistence (stubborness) is a sign of love. I’d say that’s true.
I love that! Thank you!
You’re welcome.
Ah, what a hopeful story. You have done WAAAAAY more then your best for your whole, family, BTW. You can let that worry go!
-Julie
Thank you!
You do not need to have ANY regrets! You have helped Cricket live a long, good life. I hope she has more of it, but please remember: you did the best you could! I am inclined to point out that you do not control the world; there was no magic thing you could do to make Cricket all better, but I do not know how to say it tactfully. I pray for the best for you and Cricket.
Thank you!
I love your heartfelt comments regarding Cricket. You have gone the distance with Clysis treatment, lots of love, and state of the art care. It’s amazing how close we are in our dog families and how meaningful they become in our lives.
We hope the best for Cricket and that she continues to enjoy quality life. You will look back hopefully with pride on this phase of her life as a sincere act of your love and support for your aging and much loved Cricket. Stay strong.
Thank you so much!
Just keep at it Rachel, but please don’t neglect Ellie. Sending ❤️ as always
Thank you!
I find it so upsetting when my pets get sick. I hope Cricket will be okay.
Thank you!
I’m still praying for your sweet girl!
Thank you!
Cricket knows you are doing everything to help her and she will continue to be “crickety”.I wish you both all the best.
Thank you!
It’s so good that Cricket is responding to the subcutaneous hydration.
It is! Thank you!
She’s such a trouper and so are you. Love and hugs for all..
Thank you!
You are welcome..
Glad to hear she’s doing better.
Thank you!
I think you’re a wonderful fur-mommy and Cricket is truly blessed! Hugs! ʕ ⊃･ ◡ ･ ʔ⊃
Thank you so much!
（*’∀’人）♥
She’s obviously incredibly stubborn and determined to stay with you and your Mum as long as possible. Nonetheless, it’s understandable to worry about an elderly and dear family member.
Thank you!
You two keep being stubborn together.
She’s an inspiration!
Good to see her hanging on, and receiving such loving care.
Best wishes, Pete.
Thank you!
What a lucky pup Cricket is to have you and what a lucky mom you are to be blessed with so many years with your fur baby. Savor this time and let yourself off the hook, you are loving both your pups hard.
Thank you so much!
Take it from one with much experience, you are not only doing everything you can and should, you are doing much more than many — even most — people would! You’re a wonderful dog mama.
Thank you so much!
Cricket is the most stubborn person I know. 🤗 You have no idea how much I love that sentence! Well done, Rachel for taking such good care of her and beautiful writing and Ellie knows how much you love her too.
Thank you so much!
“I need to feel like I did everything I could possibly do for her. I need to not have any regrets, and not feel like if only I had been stronger or smarter or kinder or more loving, she would have lived longer.”
It’s a legit feeling for sure!
I lost my female cat a few months ago; and a dog just like yours before.
The dog was medical negligence (again).
But the female cat was my negligence.
Despite her age, over 20 years old, she developed severe kidney failure, and my inattention and stupidity.
I’ve always lived with pets but I lost confidence in myself.
I don’t intend to have more.
However, now some little angels with wings come and go from my window to eat rice that I put on purpose.
They are good company!
His name was “Branquinho” (little white)
He passed the condo door sniffing for something to eat while I left for work. I gave him a snack which he devoured.
I took him home and realized that he was elderly, with cataracts in his eyes, and had been abandoned. And with several health problems due to age and being on the street.
He passed away after the wrong administration of medicines by me, after other negligent advice from the veterinarian.
Great guy!! and all they!
Oh no! The important thing is that you tried!
As with everything, just trying isn’t enough I guess!
You have to respect, donate, care, give attention, anticipate problems, love!
That’s lovely! And sad too.
Yes, sad!
When each one of them dies, we die a little too.
But their humility, dignity, confidence despite all error, and love for us, makes it all the more painful to leave them.
Little cricket is one tough pup! She is lucky to have such a caring mom! Pay close attention and follow her cues and you’ll both be ok, regardless of the inevitable.
.
Thank you!
Oh my, this sounds so familiar. We know you have done everything possible to make Cricket feel happy and loved. Cricket knows it too. I hope you are able to realize it! ❤️💕
Thank you!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We have no choice as pet owners to administer all the meds and do everything possible. We lost our Tonto last Christmas when nothing more could be done. What a blessing to have Cricket for 16 years already.
Thank you!
Enjoy every moment!
I will try!
That’s all you can do! God bless you and Cricket in this journey.
Thank you!
Our little fur babies doe have their own personalities! ❤
There is something precious about how connected you and Cricket are right now as she nears the end. I am glad it isn’t a sudden loss, but that you can basically have her in intensive care with you.
I think you’re right.
Glad she is responding to the treatment Rachel. She is full of surprises. Hugs to Cricket and Ellie.
Thank you!
you’ll know.. it always becomes apparent but it’s never easy to say goodbye. ❤️❤️🙏🏼🙏🏼
Thank you!
Rachel it will never be easy. When she makes it awkward just be thankful she has the strength to do so. You are doing so much better for her than you realize, but she knows. I’ve been in that will she be alive when I wake up place. Thankfully they all waited until I was awake. Hugs to you all.
Thank you!
Awwww Hoping for many more good days for Cricket. She is lucky to have you.
Thank you!
Hope Cricket has many more good days and good times with you.
Thank you!
I’m so sorry for both you and Cricket! It is so hard when our beloved pets have serious health issues.
Thank you!
I know how you feel, Rachel. I’ve been going through the same thing. My dog, Mustard, is old. He’s wobbly. But funny enough, when he’s doing well his spirits are great. He never lets the fact that he’s losing his hearing and balance and getting thinner upset him. Doesn’t get depressed. Still good chipper self. I think it’s going to be harder on me when he goes than him.
Absolutely! They leave such a void.
Your puppy Cricket 16 years old is safe with kidney disease . Anita
Rachel, I could have written this post — in fact, reading it, I eerily thought I had. Sending positive healing hugs to Cricket. 😊
Thank you! It’s good to have company on this journey.
Agreed. 😀
Hi Rachel- Thank you for your patience in continuing to take notice of my blogs. Im pretty busy taking care of my elderly mother right now. Will post when I can.
Take care of her and of yourself.
And thank you for continuing to find interest in my blogs.
Cricket is such a fighter! I’m so glad to hear she’s doing better!
Thank you!
You’re such a great pet parent! It does take a lot of stubbornness to take care of pets when they need it and are facing bleak odds. So good for you and your fur babies that they have you.
Thank you so much!
I’m so happy the fluid treatment works for Cricket and that you found out about the disease in time to still be able to help.
Me too! Thank you!
What a sweetheart. I know all too well the challenges of an aging pup and the fluids and the drugs. Stay focused on her beautiful spirit. May you be blessed with more amazed mornings.
Thank you!!!
C’monnnn Cricket!! 👏👏👏👏👏
Rachel, I love how you understand Cricket and allow her to be her Cricket self. Your closing statement was perfectly stated- ” And if she’s going to be this stubborn, then I guess I’m going to have to be stubborn too.”
She wouldn’t tolerate anything else.
beautiful – tears and chills – love that you are both stubborn –
Thank you so much!
Sixteen is a fabulous age! You have done enough. You have given her love and a good life and as you say – each new day is a bonus. You are amazing…and so is Cricket. You are winning Ellie over with the extra love and attention you give her. Well done! God bless.
Thank you!
Your struggles to keep Cricket going parallel my struggles to keep my Mom going. At 95 she was half blind, half deaf, given to seeing visions due to her Charles Bonnet syndrome (side effect of successful cataract operation) but always a cheerful spirit. Death is not important; it’s how we meet the end of Life that is important.
But it’s so painful.
Just keep loving that sweet baby and I will keep Cricket in my prayers.
Thank you so much!