The Pawpaw tree has flowered again. Actually, some of the flowers have already bloomed and fallen away, exposing the tiny fruit getting ready to grow. There’s endless inspiration in watching this pawpaw tree go through its cycle of life and death and renewal each year. In the winter, when all I can see is the bare tree with no leaves or buds or fruit or flowers, it would be easy to imagine that there is no life left, but I know better. I know that spring always comes again.
When Cricket died in October, I put her collar around the trunk of the pawpaw tree, not because I thought she might come back to life herself in the spring, but because I hoped her life would be an inspiration to the tree, to keep growing. Ellie’s collar was added in December and in a way it made the tree seem more whole, because now it had both the quiet joy of Ellie and the loud vibrancy of Cricket to help it along.
I don’t know why this small gesture has been so meaningful to me, but every time I see their collars there on the pawpaw tree I feel a sense of comfort and reassurance. I still hear the dogs in the apartment all the time, and I see shadows and imagine that one of them is running past my door. It still surprises me how solid these memories feel, of all of the dogs and people I’ve loved and lost. It’s not that “I see dead people,” but I feel their presence in my mind and in my heart in a way that is so much more substantial than the words “ghost” or “spirit” would suggest.
My grandfather, who died when I was eight years old, is still a daily presence in my life: his smile and his laugh and the strength of his attention bolster me through so many difficult days. The same is true of some of the less positive characters from my past too, unfortunately, but there’s at least reassurance in knowing that my memories remain a part of me, and none of that time was wasted.
However temporary nature may be, with flowers blooming and wilting, and dogs coming into my life and passing away, I know that I will never really lose them. It all remains. And I think that’s a gift, even if at times a bittersweet one.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
Thank you for writing that. You had me in tears.
Thank you!
I still miss your sweet dogs!
Me too!
I love the idea of the collars around the tree and what they stand for. And that your grandfather was such a positive influence in your life.
Thank you!
I hope the fruit grows and the tree yields firm and sweet fruit that you can savour and enjoy. As you eat the fruit of the tree, I expect it will inspire memories of Cricket and Ellie.
Absolutely! Thank you!
The collars on the tree are profoundly lovely tributes.
Thank you!
We just got home from the zoo, so my brain immediately thought the flowers were birds. 🤦♀️ They are very unique
Lovely idea!
Seeing Cricket and Ellie’s collars on the tree was reassuring to me, too. That was a wonderful idea, Rachel. I would probably talk to the tree every day and believe I was talking to the girls. ❤
It’s still a painful reminder that they’re gone, but it reminds me everyday that they were home here.
As delicate and moving a tale as a Japanese art film.
Thank you!
This is a very beautiful post, Rachel. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you!
Dear Rachel this is very very nice post, it’s left deep impression on me.
Thank you!
The photo of the collars on the tree moves me. It almost feels like inspirational healing given that tree to carry on. Like a bit of support idk 😊🤗
I hope it works that way for the tree. There are tiny new branches above and below the collars; a sign for the future.
Very cool 👍
I like the collars around the tree. Very moving.
Best wishes, Pete.
Thank you!
Rachael, your metaphor of the Paw Paw tree is heart warming, moving, and most of all inspiring. On behalf of all of us who have loved and lost, I thank you.
Thank you!
Good memories
Yes.
Tears…Beautiful, and thank you for sharing. On a lighter note, I went to our local botanical gardens last month and saw a Paw Paw tree and thought of you and your blogs.
That’s awesome!
Love what you did with the dog collars. I hope this means it is going to be a prolific year for your pawpaw tree.
Me too! Thank you!
So glad to hear your paw paws are doing well. The collars on the tree are very touching. If they aren’t the quick release style, you may want to use elastic to attach them so they expand with the tree trunk. Otherwise they could strangle the tree over time and know you don’t want that.
Thank you!
I so love the collars on the pawpaw tree. Fabulous inspirational idea.
I think they both would be pleased.
Thank you! I hope so!
With your wonderful style of writing and great sense of humor and endearing photos, they will always be kept much alive, to those so blessed to read your blog.
Thank you so much!
You are so very welcome!! Through youtube I have been observing a messianic congregation on Saturdays and Tuesdays. They are in Israel. I really like the music, songs and their worship with dance and flags. And they let some of the children participate too. So much fun… I even try to pronounce some words.
Beautiful post, Rachel. 🐶 🐶
Thank you!
I love following the paw paw tree and its cycles! And I love the collars for inspiration.
Thank you!
i just discovered your blog. I love it (texts et photos).
Thank you so much!
Beautiful, truly touches my heart. Peace, love💖
Thank you!
Love the dog collars. Nice tribute and remembrance.
Thank you!
A very touching tribute to your little ones. I can imagine how ‘bittersweet’ it would be for you. However, as you wrote – I know that I will never really lose them.
Thank you!
A truly moving post. Thank you for sharing it with us!
I know how much you loved your dog from previous postings. That’s an inspiring idea to remember your pet through the seasonal nurturing of a tree.
Thank you!
always thought paw paws were some fictional thing we sang about in a song when I was a kid & to really find out there is such a thing awesome
They do seem a little bit like science fiction!
Who knew?🤷♀️🤷♀️
I recently lost two of my doggies. Both were very old. It’s like someone rips out a part of your heart. I pray that the peace your doggies gave you will stay with you forever.
For you too. Thank you!
Those are not pawpaw flowers
Papayas are often called pawpaws, but they are a different fruit from the Native-to-America pawpaw. You may be confusing the two.