This past winter and spring, I was busy writing something new. I had wanted to work on revisions for the second Yeshiva Girl novel, which has been in the works for way too long, or add to the draft of the synagogue mystery that I’ve also been mulling over for years, but instead a new story burbled up. By May, I had a 220 page first draft of a novel, tentatively titled Hebrew Lessons, about a young woman who takes online Hebrew classes (like me) and falls in love with her Israeli teacher (that part is fiction. Sorry). It was fun to write and also gave me a chance to think about the relationship between Jews in America and Jews in Israel, which has always been complicated, and has become even more so since October 7th.
The problem is, now that I have to start re-reading the draft and planning revisions, I can’t make myself do it.
While I was writing the first draft I was able to shut out the big, noisy critics in my head, for the most part, with a gentle “Shut the fuck up!” But now that I’m ready for revisions I need to keep the door open to critiques, and the big, noisy, nasty voices in my head keep pushing their way in through the open door.
Even looking in the direction of the manuscript, which is sitting on a pile of books next to my bed, brings up all of the nasties: How dare you write a story with an Israeli character when you’ve never been to Israel? What the hell do you know about love? No agent will touch a book with a Jewish character now, let alone an Israeli! Everything you write gets rejected so why waste your time? Your writing is too serious, silly, sentimental, simple, stupid, etc. You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking your voice even matters. You should be doing something more responsible, selfless, constructive, etc. with your time. If you actually finish the book you’ll have to write query letters and face rejection, and you’ll be embarrassed when people see your imagination written out on the page, like an x-ray of your inner self.
At first I thought I just needed a few weeks away from the book to get some perspective, but then weeks passed and, if anything, the voices got louder, and nastier, and I couldn’t do anything to stop the flood.
Eventually, an image came to mind from the first Superman movie (with Christopher Reeve), where the bad guys (General Zod and his two henchmen) are sentenced to jail and trapped in these flat/see-through boxes where they can be seen, but not heard, for eternity. And I thought, that would be awesome!
Mom found me a jar (she collects them for art projects) and I labeled it “Unhelpful Critics” and started to fill it with slips of paper slathered with critical messages. But the voices kept coming, threatening to overflow the jar, and my resistance to reading the draft stayed just as strong.
I’m sure that part of the problem is my inability to convince myself that it’s okay to ask to be treated with kindness, so when a critique is hurtful and I want to shove it in the jar, I worry that I’m being too easy on myself and ignoring a painful reality that I really should force myself to face. There’s also the issue that it’s been hard to separate out a specific, technical criticism (the pacing is too fast or slow, the details of the setting are too sparse or vague) from the big bad feelings that stick to every criticism and feel like a punch in the gut. It’s as if the nasty, destructive voices in my head attach themselves to even the mildest suggestions for improvement, and make it all into a toxic mess.
But I really wanted the jar, or anything, to work, so I kept filling out these strips of paper, until I had to graduate to an oatmeal container, and then until I couldn’t capture them in words anymore, but they were still coming, constantly.
It took me too long to start to wonder why all of this pain was coming up around the novel, and yet I’ve been able to write weekly blog posts forever without being swamped this way. And I had to ask myself, why is writing fiction, in particular, bringing all of this up?
I have always loved fiction, writing it and reading it, for the way it can organize reality, and improve on it, and create safer containers for all of the experiences that overwhelm me in real life. But maybe, at least in this case, imagining a better version of my life, and myself, means facing all of the grief I feel that that isn’t my life, and the jealousy I feel that this imaginary young woman gets to live that life. There’s also, interestingly, a deep fear of the unknown, because in living vicariously through her, and facing difficulties and opportunities I’ve never faced, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety about how to solve these unfamiliar problems, in love and life and work. And I feel guilty that I don’t have the tools to protect her from that pain.
I think there’s another aspect to this as well. When I write my short essays I imagine my blog readers, who are so kind and curious and generous, and so much nicer to me than I am to myself, and that allows me to feel safe enough to write difficult things. But when I write longer things, like the novel, or something else that I expect to send out to literary magazines or agents or editors, I hear the cold, dismissive, and destructive voices I’ve faced so many times over the years, in graduate school and beyond, and those voices set off my inner critics and it becomes a wildfire.
Maybe, if I could find a way to think of the novel as a very long blog post, or just imagine my blogging friends as my primary readers, the nasty voices would step aside, or at least quiet down, but I don’t know how to make that switch. If I tell myself that I’m not going to send the novel out to be judged by the industry, then either I won’t believe it, or I’ll believe it and that will set off a whole other kind of grief, because I’m not ready to give up on the possibility of being a successful author, not yet.
But the thing is, I really loved writing the first draft of this book, and I want to get back to that feeling, and I also want to finish the book so I can see if other people like it as much as I do. I feel like just writing this essay has gotten me most of the way there, but I’m not quite there yet, and I’m not sure what else to try.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
What if you thought of each chapter as a blog post and keep them separate in your mind. Maybe then you could manage the critics in your head in smaller bites?
Personally, I like the shut the fuck up option!
Me too! Thank you!
I love the way you dealt with the critiques in the first draft. You know, you could do the same now only be firmer, like “if you don’t have *something constructive* to say, shut….” You also will and did get suggestions like treat the novel like a big blog, or each chapter a blog and that could work, but have you tried this. You need positive feedback, before you do the hard work of the first revision, find a sympathetic reader, a neighbor, someone at the Synagogue, a fellow blogger. Explain it’s really rough, you just want an idea if they’d find it interesting enough to continue. Put out some seeds for positive and helpful critiques so your unhelpful critics will know they aren’t the only voices to speak.
Sorry for being so wordy.
Those are great ideas. Thank you!
What about a nice jar to place helpful mental thoughts from the supportive portion of your mind and your friends? You could have a rule about being fair, too. Each criticism that goes into the critics’ container must be matched with an uplifting statement that goes into the boosters’ container. If you need motivation, then take a slip from the boosters’ container and read it. Then place it back in the boosters; container.
That’s a great idea! Thank you!
Keep your head down, stay focused, and keep writing (editing).
I will try. Thank you!
Who in the heck made that voice king?! Tell it to sit down and shut up and you will call on it when and if you need a suggestion. Until then, you don’t want to hear a peep!
Personally, I really like the see-through box where they can be seen but not heard. Heh, heh, heh. Karma is a bitch.
I love that! Thank you!
Yes shut the Eff. Up is a good response to those critics
Ha! Thank you!
I like thinking of the critics like your blog readers. Weren’t novels often written as serial publications in newspapers in the past? You could sort of think about it that way.
All I know is that you have a lot of blog readers who would love to read your novel. Maybe start a jar of your cheering section who are anxiously waiting to meet your characters? Or put all of our internet names and those of your other cheering section members up on the wall above your writing area? Something visual to counter-balance the captured Unhelfuls?
I’m sorry this is so hard.
That’s a great idea! Thank you!
I think you might need a group of readers to read your book. You could put it out on WordPress chapter by chapter, I won’t judge you harshly! Or maybe a group of family or close friends? I’ve really enjoyed your blog and can’t imagine that anything you write would be horrible like those inner critics are telling you! You are a very talented writer. Confidence, my dear! Confidence!
Thank you so much!
I agree with what everyone else is saying, Rachel. We, your blog readers, are kind because what you write is always worth reading, is always extraordinarily thoughtful, and is always well written. Use whatever methods you can to quell your confidence demons and bring your second novel to the light of day. 😊💕
Thank you so much!
Sorry your critical voices are so strong! I bet your book is wonderful! You just have to have belief in yourself, you wrote a novel before, and you can do it again, stay strong, and believe! Xoxo
Thank you!
Those critics did not seem to have much common sense or be in tune with what you want to do. You should write what is in your heart and ignore those critics. Your vision is bigger.
Thank you so much!
BACKYARD BIRD NERD – TODDLER TENDENCIES
Notice how this hummingbird looks angrily at the delicate butterfly as if all the flowers belonged to him.
Of course, he is just doing his job excellently, and so is the butterfly.
I think this drama could make a great story for children.
But I wouldn’t know how to write it, but maybe a writer, who also works with children and creates humorous dialogues for pets, could. Just a guess.
—
BTW, (drama)
Still ignoring the SACRIFICE OF CHRIST, the Jews want to build their temple in the same place where the Muslim mosque “Dome of the Rock” is in Jerusalem.
Will there be a conflict? (rhetoric)
Note:
My last name is new-Jewish (converts) to escape Catholic persecution.
Sorry! Correction!
New Christian: A Jew converted due to Catholic persecution.
So exciting news about the new book. Hope all will go well with the final touches.
Thank you!
Constructive criticism can be very useful. Empty the jar and burn the rest.
Sounds like a plan!
Rachel, if you don’t revise your book, your heroine will be trapped in the jar and she will never get out. Let her out!
OMG! Now I’m really worried about her!
I’ll definitely buy and read your new book. Already, I can’t wait to see how this love story turns out. 🙂 And I agree with all the comments already written here. Hey girl, you can do it!
Thank you so much!
We all have these inner demons. If we allow them to paralyze us, we will never accomplish anything. Speak your truth.
I will try!
If the new book is as good as Yeshiva Girl then it will be a blessing to read. לַחַיִּים
Thank you so much!
You are so welcome, my friend 💙
You had me laughing out loud at the start with, “shut out the big, noisy critics in my head, for the most part, with a gentle “Shut the fuck up!” You have a great sense of humour. I sure can’t criticize because it has taken me a week to measure 4 suitcases for an upcoming trip. (this weather is too hot for me). I presently have a long book list but will get to your “Yeshiva Girl, as I am intrigued. Happy writing!
Thank you so much!
I have always asked myself why to become a writer and it boils down for me as to what I am most passionate of writing about. People need to know about your knowledge of the Jewish religion in any form you feel comfortable with.
Thank you!
And not just your pupils also comes to mind.
This Fan is looking forward to your next book! XO
Thank you so much!
The perfect place for critics. Well done. Carry on.👏
Ha! Thank you!
Rachel, writing is hard. Have you reread your draft? Sometimes I go back and reread something and sure there are things that need to be changed but there are also things that I LOVE and am proud to say, “I wrote this!”
We all have our own process. I don’t write a whole novel before someone else has seen it. Most of my writing is children’s books but I have draft upon draft upon draft of some stories. Have you ever had a critique group?
I haven’t been lucky with critique groups, but I will get there eventually. Thank you!
Are there any writing groups in your area? I belong to the Writers Alliance of Gainesville (Fla) and we have small critique groups. My critique pod has helped me in more ways than I can list. We are kind and supportive, but we don’t gloss over weaknesses and mistakes. Such a group should help you. Some (like WAG) even have Zoom meetings for folks who live too far away for in-person meetings. (We started virtual meetings during COVID.)
I enjoyed your first book and look forward to the next one. Keep going!
Thank you so much!
Thank you for this post. I find your thoughts on writing and your insights inspiring. Please don’t let the unhelpful critiques discourage you.
Thank you so much!
You have so many good ideas from your followers here! Be a “Nike Woman” – Just Do It!!
I will try. Thank you!
There is a huge difference between constructive criticism and negative feedback and comments. Try breathing, and ignoring the negativity. xo
I will try. Thank you!
I love your writing and how heartfelt it is, yet humorous. Don’t ever give up! Maybe throw away the negative jar and replace it with a beautiful jar painted with rainbows and full of fortune cookie positive encouragements?
I love that idea. Thank you!
I love you Rachel – you are brave and wonderful. Do what you do. (Put that note in a jar…)
Good job. Stuff those critics in a jar and turn away from them. God bless.
Thank you!
Don’t give up on the book because of critics. Write it, even when you are afraid that it will be rejected and such and such, because you love it and you want to see its completion. Write because you love writing and you love the story and you will be immensely happy to see it through. Whether it gets published or not (immediately) is bonus reward. 🙂
Thank you!