Tu Bishvat, the New Year of the Trees

            Tu Bishvat is a Jewish holiday marking the New Year of the Trees, and this year it took place from sundown Wednesday January 24th to sundown Thursday January 25th. In ancient times, Tu Bishvat, or the fifteenth day of the Hebrew month of Shvat, was simply the day set aside as the birthday of all trees born in that year. This was important information to have, because it was forbidden to eat from a fruit tree in the first three years of its life, and in the fourth year you had to bring the fruit of the tree the Temple in Jerusalem. Only in year five did the fruit belong to the farmer.

            Trees have always been important in Judaism: like the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in the story of the Garden of Eden, or the Torah itself (the Hebrew Bible) being referred to as a tree of life. I read recently (on Ritualwell) that in ancient Israel a tree was planted when a child was born, and as the child grew he or she would care for their tree and then eventually use its branches for their wedding canopy. Even the Rabbis were tree-centric, with a quote from Rabbi Eliezer saying,    “When a tree is wantonly cut down, its voice rings from one end of the earth to another,” which makes me think of my Pawpaw tree, which really did seem to set off communal keening among all of the trees in our backyard when it was cut down, and then sent out saplings to take its place.

Poor Pawpaw
Pawpaw saplings

            But it wasn’t until the 16th century that Isaac Luria (a Kabbalist, or Jewish mystic) and his followers in Safed transformed Tu Bishvat from a date on the calendar into a festival celebrating the fruits of Israel. They believed that the spark of the divine was as present in trees as it was in people, and they believed that eating the fruits of those trees would release the divine sparks into the world (I’m pretty sure they did not use the same technique for releasing the divine sparks from people. We have our demons and dybbuks and Golems, but as far as I know cannibalism has never taken off in the Jewish tradition).

            The Kabbalists, being good obsessive compulsive Jews, decided to create a Tu Bishvat Seder, modeled on the Passover Seder, to celebrate four types of fruits (and four glasses of wine to go with them). There are many different versions of the Tu Bishvat Seder, but this is one of them: The first fruit is one that is hard on the outside and soft on the inside (like almonds, walnuts or coconuts), and they can remind us of the protection the earth gives us, or the ways we keep ourselves separate and protected from one another, hiding the divine spark within; the second fruit is soft, with a pit in the center (like olives, dates, peaches or cherries) and they can symbolize the spiritual strength within each of us, or the potential inside of us that has not yet been tapped; fruit number three is soft throughout and completely edible (like figs, grapes, blueberries and raspberries) and I’m not sure what mystical significance they have, but they are certainly yummy; the fourth fruit has a tough skin on the outside and sweet fruit within (like mangos, bananas, avocados and pawpaws) and they are all about the mysteries of our world and our hunger to uncover the juicy secrets.

            The four cups of wine for the Tu Bishvat Seder are drunk in a specific order and in varying shades of red, pink, and white, to represent the cycle of life and the four seasons, but just like on Passover, you can get away with varying shades of grape juice, in case you need to drive home afterwards.

            When I was in elementary school they never mentioned a Tu Bishvat Seder to us, but each class got a tray of fruits and nuts common in Israel, especially carob, which was almost impossible to eat but traditional, because it was one of the few fruits from Israel that could make the long trip to the European shtetls of my Ashkenazi ancestors without spoiling. Oranges and pomegranates were much harder to get.

A Tu Bishvat spread (not my picture)
Carob (not my picture)

Tu Bishvat changed again in the late 19th century, when Jews were able to buy land in Palestine (because the Ottoman Empire ended its ban on selling land to Jews), and European Jews established agricultural settlements and planted trees to re-green the land and plant deep symbolic roots. The Jewish National Fund was established in 1901 to buy property in Palestine, and Tu Bishvat tree planting ceremonies became an annual event.

            Today, Tu Bishvat is celebrated in all of those ways, but also as a Jewish Earth day: a chance to celebrate nature and learn how to take care of the earth. It’s celebrated in Israel as a full holiday, with tree planting ceremonies and special ecological awareness programs and, of course, lots of food.

            Recently, some of the families whose loved ones were killed by Hamas at the music festival in southern Israel on October 7th joined with the Jewish National Fund to plant trees on the concert site. Around a thousand people came together to plant 200 seedlings, both to celebrate Tu Bishvat, but more importantly to try to bring new life, and hope, to land suffused with death. And so the meaning of the holiday continues to grow and change, as we change.

            When I asked my synagogue school students why we would have a special holiday to celebrate the birthday of the trees, they said that it would be very difficult to keep track of the birthday of each individual tree, remembering to send a card or bake a cake, so having one day to celebrate all of the trees is much easier. They took for granted that, of course, you should celebrate trees; that wasn’t even a question.

            We also talked about why now? Why celebrate trees in the middle of winter? I told them that the date had been chosen because it was the end of the rainy season in ancient Israel, a propitious time to plant a tree in rich soil, but, really, maybe celebrating trees in winter, when they are at their most naked and vulnerable, and least beautiful, is the perfect time to throw them a party; just like we celebrate light in December when the days are at their shortest and the dark of night feels endless.

            And maybe we can learn from this idea of celebrating trees when they are at their most fragile, or light when it is most rare; maybe that’s why we should keep praying for peace even when it seems most impossible. We need to believe that spring and light and peace can return in order for our faith to sustain us through the hard times, and through the hard work that needs to be done to reach peace.

            My students have decided that Tu Bishvat should be celebrated by hugging a tree, or singing it a song, or knitting it a sweater to survive the coldest days, though I’m still a fan of eating as celebration myself. Let’s hope the trees feel all of our love this week, and that God hears our prayers, and that we all hear each other and our hopes for a peaceful future.

Pawpaw tree in summer

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.

            Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?

Hope for the Future

            (A Note: A wild bird – a Junco – visited for a few very cold days recently and read the hard copy of my essay before publication, leaving a few responses)

“I have a few notes.”

            As the nature of Israel’s war against Hamas changes, becoming more targeted and with fewer soldiers on the ground in Gaza, the conversation in Israel has been moving to the question of what happens the day after the war ends. (Of course there are a hundred other conversations going on at the same time, but my brain can’t process all of it. I can’t make sense of a genocide charge at The Hague, or continued terrorist attacks in Israel, or ongoing calls for Israel to stop fighting even as rockets are being fired at the north and south of Israel and the Houthis are firing on ships in the Red Sea. So, for now, I’m trying to focus on something hopeful.) Recently, I was able to watch a zoom call from the Reconstructionist Rabbinical Association called Holding on to Hope, which hosted leaders from three different Israeli organizations who have been working towards peace and coexistence between Israelis and Palestinians.

            One message that came through consistently from these leaders is that the efforts that are most successful are the ones that address self-interest, rather than arguing for peace from a selfless altruism. Another theme was that what happens in Gaza impacts Tel Aviv, in terms of health, and air and water quality, as well as violence, and there are no walls high enough to change that.

“Walls? Pfft.”

One of the organizations on the zoom was a joint Jewish and Arab school in Israel called Hand in Hand. The public school system in Israel separates out Arabs and Jews into separate schools, in large part as a gesture to allow Arabs to maintain their own culture and language and not have to study Jewish subjects, but over time this separation has widened the divide between Jews and Muslims and Christians in Israel. The Hand in Hand schools bring these children together to help them learn to understand each other’s narratives and grapple with how to move society towards coexistence. There are six Hand in Hand schools in mixed Arab and Jewish towns so far: in Jerusalem, Haifa, Jaffa, Kfar Saba, Wadi Ara, and Galilee. And the schools also work at building connections among the adults in the surrounding community.

            The representative of the Hand in Hand schools on this zoom was a Palestinian citizen of Israel, with a background in film in particular and the arts in general. His sense of hope for the future came from his belief that education is what will create the next generation of leaders, able to speak each other’s languages and understand each other’s cultures and see each other as companions on the same journey.

“A feather in feather school would be nice.”

            Coincidentally, I recently read about a new Israeli TV show (not yet available here) set in a Hand in Hand school (or something like it) in Jerusalem. The review I read in Kveller suggested that, because it’s a comedy, it often wraps up complex issues a little too quickly, but the fact that it can represent those complex issues in an entertaining way could make a big difference in what people begin to see as possible in the future.

            The second organization represented on the zoom was Standing Together, a political action organization that brings together Jewish and Palestinian citizens of Israel, and secular and orthodox Jewish Israelis, to work on issues on which they have common cause, as a way to build consensus and community so that over time they can begin to work together on the bigger battles yet to come.

            I’d seen a previous zoom, earlier in the Fall, that focused entirely on the Standing Together group, but I found it alienating, maybe because it was so soon after October 7th and everyone’s emotions were still so raw. This time around I heard a lot more acknowledgment of the pain and fear of both Jewish and Palestinian citizens of Israel, and ideas for how to bring both peoples to the table in order to create a sustainable peace.

            The third organization represented on the zoom was completely new to me, called A Land for All (previously called Two States, One Homeland). It’s a think tank made up of Jewish and Palestinian citizens of Israel, and Palestinians from outside of Israel, to problem solve the nitty gritty policy issues necessary for peace. The basic idea that they’ve come up with is a two state confederation, where a Jewish State and a Palestinian State live side by side, with open borders and some joint institutions. The specifics of the proposal weren’t discussed in this zoom, but the idea that some people are ready to sit together and seek workable plans for a peaceful future is encouraging.

            Except, with Israel being accused of genocide at the International Court for Justice, and Hezbollah and the Houthi rebels attacking from the north and from the sea, and hostages still being held in Gaza, I don’t know how many people within Israel are up to hearing any of this right now, which is probably why this was a zoom for American Jews.

A final peace deal between Israel and a Palestinian state has been so elusive, in part, because the two sides can’t even agree on the preconditions for sitting down to talk. Palestinian leadership wants all new Jewish settlements in the West Bank stopped, and preferably for all of the existing ones to be removed as well, as a precondition for discussing peace with Israel. And Israelis have wanted reliable promises that the terrorism will stop before they discuss the settlements, let alone final agreements on where the borders of a future Palestinian state should be. Many Palestinians and their supporters seem to believe that terrorism is the only way their voices will be heard, by Israel and by the world at large, but every terrorist attack has pushed the Israeli public further away from any belief that peace is possible, and therefore from any willingness to make difficult compromises for that unreachable peace.

            When I discussed the concept of peace recently with my synagogue school students, they weren’t thinking about Israel or even peace between countries, instead they looked at peace through the lens of family life, saying that there has to be a lot of room within peace and coexistence for disagreement, and even some bloodshed (their point of reference was fights with their siblings, so, hopefully not too much blood). They spend a lot of their time working towards peace in their daily lives, managing disputes with their friends and family, dealing with hurt feelings, and learning how to compromise, but all of that feels possible for them because they know they are safe in their homes and that people care about them and are listening to them.

            In all of the coverage on the news, and in all of the opinion articles that I’ve read and international voices I’ve heard, no one has offered a workable plan for peace that addresses what is actually happening right now. No one has come up with a way to disempower Hamas and destroy the tunnels without causing unacceptable damage to the structures and the people above ground in Gaza. In fact, the UN refuses to call Hamas a terrorist organization, and since Gaza is not considered a state and has not signed agreements to follow international law, they can’t be held officially responsible for their actions, but Israel, which is an acknowledged state and has signed these agreements, is being brought to The Hague for fighting back against Hamas. The international community has not addressed this invisibility of organizations like Hamas, Hezbollah, or the Houthi rebels, who are acting as proxies for Iran’s interests in the Middle East, and Hamas has taken full advantage of its political invisibility to press its war against Israel, which certainly didn’t start on October 7th.

The fact that Israel is under attack from, basically, all sides, has not changed the rhetoric around the world that has portrayed Israel as a lone menace in the Middle East, causing all of the trouble.

All three of these Israeli organizations are working towards long term goals that will require consistent commitment and ongoing efforts and will not be put in place within the next few months, but the world, and the combatants on both sides, are too impatient for that slow growing peace process, and the extremists on both sides keep taking advantage of that impatience and offering apocalyptic solutions that will only work for one side or the other. Every time I watch the news I hear this ticking clock, and the absence of hope, but I know there are people out there who are thinking and breathing and working for peace, and that’s what I want to hear more about, because that’s where a livable future will come from.

A Land for All – https://www.alandforall.org/english/?d=ltr

Hand in Hand – https://www.handinhandk12.org/

Standing Together – https://www.standing-together.org/en

“Hope is the thing with feathers, right?”

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.

            Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?

Mom’s Surgery

            As expected, I spent the weeks leading up to Mom’s second hip replacement living in existential dread, afraid she would die on the table and I would be left alone in the world with no one to fight off the gardeners trying to cut down my paw paw tree. And then, as everyone around me seemed to know it would be, the surgery was successful and Mom came through with all of her humor and energy intact.

            The days leading up to the surgery were full of worry, both because of the pre-surgical clearances coming down to the wire, but also because Mom’s hip was deteriorating incredibly quickly and she was struggling just to get from one room to the other, especially after the ban on NSAIDS was put in place five days before the surgery.

            I filled the time preparing: filling the freezer and the pantry with prepared meals; organizing all of the random crap in the apartment that might get in her way when she came home with the walker; carrying boxes of books to the thrift store, and bags and cans of dog food to the animal shelter; and finally replacing the old crooked bookcase with a new, slightly crooked bookcase (put together by moi – which explains why its wonky), so that she wouldn’t be toppled by falling books and sent back to the hospital.

New bookcase, before the wonky drawers were put in.

            We still have new rugs waiting to be put down, after we removed the un-cleanable rugs from the last months of Cricket and Ellie’s lives, but I’m going to wait on that until Mom’s walking is steadier and she doesn’t need the walker anymore; hopefully the neighbors will be patient with the uncovered floors for a bit longer.

            The need to clean has been profound since losing Ellie. When both dogs were still here I didn’t mind a few extra boxes here and there, but in the quiet I keep wanting to clean and find order and make things neat, as if making the apartment more orderly will heal the grief (though it doesn’t really work).

My Ellie

            It was so strange to be in the apartment alone. For two days it was just me, no Mom, no dogs, and I don’t know how to describe the stillness in the air. I kept hearing noises and thinking Ellie was coming back down the hallway after a midnight snack, or Mom was getting up in the middle of the night for a midnight snack (Mom and the dogs seemed to have a club I was not invited to). But no one was actually there.

Thank God, the surgery itself went well, and now that Mom’s back home, everything feels like its back to normal, where the noises around the apartment are real instead of phantoms, and even on pain meds and using a walker, she’s more energetic and busy than I am, always texting with someone or planning something. I think the lesson here is that I am a very boring person on my own.

            Next up is physical therapy and occupational therapy and nurse’s visits and keeping track of all of the post-op medications and worrying about something else going wrong. But Mom is in a surprisingly good mood so far, and I’m feeling hopeful again.

            Oh, and we got a note from the board of our co-op saying that from now on there won’t be a pet fee charged each month for each (or any) pet you own, so when the time comes I can clearly get as many dogs as I can fit into the apartment. Five sounds like a good number to me. It’s possible that Mom will disagree, so, shh, don’t tell her.

“One dog is always enough.”

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.

            Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?

The Amaryllis

            After Ellie died one of the many practical, and depressing, things we had to do was to contact Chewy and cancel our standing dog food delivery. A few days later an Amaryllis appeared at our front door, with a card from the Chewy team sending their condolences.

            For a while the plant looked kind of sad sitting on the coffee table in the living room, with no flowers and a bend in its green spine. The plant came with a brace (with a twig and some twine), and Mom moved it into place above the curve, and gradually, the spine of the plant started to straighten, and then, slowly, the flowers started to bloom. The red of the petals is so vivid and the size and number of the blossoms keeps growing so there’s no way to ignore it now.

            The shape of the flowers, like a speaker on an old Victrola, makes it seem like the plant has something to say, though try as I might I can’t hear the words. And while there are no new puppies growing from this magical plant, there is life: beautiful, bright, and temporary.

            I know that I will always miss Cricket and Ellie, but this little (or not so little) plant has given me hope that my heart will be able to make room for new love, when the time comes.

“We still get veto power.”

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.

            Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?

When Heroes Fly

            I decided to rewatch When Heroes Fly, a fantastic one season Israeli drama (with English subtitles), because I found out that it was about to leave Netflix in January. The first time I’d watched the show was for my online Hebrew class, almost two years ago, with Hebrew subtitles, but it was so vivid and powerful that I understood most of what was going on, despite missing a few words here and there (and everywhere).

            When Heroes Fly follows four guys in a reserves unit who lose their leader in war. Each one deals with the loss, and the trauma of war, in a different way, but the main character, Aviv, truly falls apart. He’s away getting help when his ex-girlfriend, Yaeli, goes on a trip to South America that he was supposed to go on with here, and, it seems, dies in a car accident.

            The mystery that has to be solved, years later, is whether Yaeli actually survived the accident after all, and if so, where is she, and does she want to be found? That’s the frame of the show, but the real drama is in how each of these four men work through their past mistakes and confront themselves and each other.

            What got to me the first time I watched this show was how completely Aviv’s character resonated for me – his inability to heal, despite so much effort and time, and his self-loathing, and how others judged him for being such a mess. His physical expressions of depression and self-loathing, and that sense of truly falling apart – that was me. Even two years ago, after a lifetime of therapy, it all still felt deeply true for me. And yet now, despite grieving both of my dogs, and still having “issues,” and still feeling frightened and incapable at times, I don’t feel that wracking whole body depression anymore. It’s been receding for a long time, but until I watched this show again I didn’t realize how long it’s been since that was my daily, and then weekly, and then monthly experience of life.

            Another thing I relate to, deeply, in this show is how much these friends need each other and yet can’t quite connect or hear each other through the fog of their own trauma responses. We want to believe that if we try hard enough and love hard enough we can fix anything, but sometimes our need to help is the problem, stopping us from seeing the real person in front of us who is in so much pain.

            A new character is introduced late in the series, an Israeli detective with her own deep trauma who has to find the four men and Yaeli as part of a larger case. But she isn’t cut off from her pain, or completely lost in it, she’s strong and broken at the same time. I want to be this woman, this strong, capable woman who is also deeply attached to herself and to reality. I get the feeling that a lot of people think I already am this women. I’m not, yet, but just seeing her on screen makes it seem more possible.

            But the biggest revelation for me in watching this show now is the impact of collective trauma, which goes beyond each individual’s experience of trauma, when they are all experiencing the trauma together. As an American Jew I can try to take an “objective” view on the current war, because my family isn’t running to shelters at any moment as rockets fall, and I’m not grieving a loved one who died in the massacre or was taken hostage, and no one in my family is a soldier in this war, risking their life every day. I am Jewish, but as an American Jew I have the privilege of not feeling the depth of the collective trauma that is tormenting Israelis, and Palestinians, as they try to figure out what happens next.

            When I watch the news and do my deep dives into the history to try and understand what I’m seeing, I still find much of it incomprehensible, because I can’t see it through their eyes; I can’t feel it in my body and know the darkness that prevents clear sight on things that, from here, seem obvious. I keep trying to understand anyway, and I try not to judge the decisions and opinions I can’t understand, because I know that people who are not under the influence of trauma think a lot of things should be possible that people within the trauma can’t fathom and can’t choose.

            Interestingly, while the English title of this show is When Heroes Fly, which suggests that these four men are clearly heroic, as if they are morally unambiguous and selfless and always know what to do, the title in Hebrew is For Her Heroes Fly, suggesting that heroic behavior has to come from somewhere, from some internal motivation, beyond the theoretical goodness and righteousness we keep expecting from our heroes. These are not men with infinite courage and a willingness to die for a cause; these are men who are willing to fight for the people they love.

            People want to believe that Israel only has a right to exist, that Jews only have a right to exist, because we are supposed to be a beacon of light to the nations; and some Jews try very hard to live up to that ideal, but most of us are just people, like everyone else. Requiring Israel to meet standards of behavior that no one else can live up to is unfair and inhumane.     No one gets through wars unscathed, and Israel has had to face war after war, and then terrorist act after terrorist act, throughout her short existence. Israeli soldiers, like all soldiers, are capable of mistakes in judgment and tactics and behavior. When three hostages were accidentally killed by the IDF, Israel had to deal with that reality, because Israel itself has inhuman expectations of its soldiers and its military, just like the world at large seems to have. Israel, this tiny country, with soldiers culled from all walks of life, drafted into service as teenagers, is meant to be a perfect military machine, capable of fighting tunnel warfare without making mistakes and hurting non-fighters, even when the Hamas fighters wear civilian clothes and embed in civilian neighborhoods and buildings. The Israeli soldiers who killed those three hostages, and the soldiers who have killed Palestinian civilians when aiming for Hamas, are all going to have to live the rest of their lives with that burden of guilt and failure, not out of choice but out of necessity, because they have to fight for the survival of their tiny country. The trauma that results will last a lifetime, and will alter everything that comes next.

We, on the outside of all of this, can have whatever hopes and dreams and judgements we want, but it is the people on the ground who will have to make it happen, and that means we have to accept who they are and what feels possible to them, as they carry this war, and every previous war, with them into the future.

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.

            Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?

Our Israeli Tour Guide

            Since the Israel/Hamas war started, our congregation has looked for as many ways as possible to help us express all of our mixed feelings and get educated about what’s going on and how it impacts our Jewish lives in the United States. Recently, since tourism has all but stopped in Israel, the Israeli tour guide who led the synagogue’s last few trips to Israel has been doing zooms for us once a week, way too early on Sunday mornings, to give our congregation a connection to an Israeli point of view.

            The Israeli tour guide knows a lot of my fellow congregants from the trips, and they know him, but he was mostly a stranger to me. Except, when he saw my name on the screen he said he almost cried, because his mother’s family were Mankowitzes too. I have no idea if we are actually related, because I’ve found a few different Mankowitz families on Facebook over the years who have been scattered around the world, but it was nice to feel that connection. I’ve never been able to afford to go on our synagogue’s trips to Israel, but I’ve seen pictures and heard stories and felt the pangs of jealousy.

            One of the first things our tour guide told us was that, despite the danger he and his children and grandchildren face in Israel right now, he is grateful not to be in the US or Europe, where anti-Semitism has been making a roaring comeback. Instead, he’s surrounded by people who understand the existential threat to Jewish life, and the danger of living in such close proximity to a terrorist organization, and he doesn’t have to explain his complex feelings of grief and anger and empathy and fear, because his neighbors are feeling all of the same things.

            They can see the same things we are seeing on social media, where some people are calling Hamas “freedom fighters” and denying the reality of rape and murder on October 7th. They too are hearing the UN be unwilling to condemn Hamas, and the International Red Cross say they can’t do anything to check on the wellbeing of the hostages in Gaza. And they can see Hamas’ lies being taken as truth by so many, even after evidence to the contrary has been presented, both by Israel and the United States government. And just like us, they are hearing Jews being called Nazis and vermin and being accused of genocide, and seeing huge protests calling for ceasefires, even during the temporary ceasefire, where people who have to know that Hamas will never stop attacking Israel are demanding that Israel stop fighting back.

            The recent accidental killing of three hostages by the IDF, who mistook them for terrorists despite waving white flags, broke so many hearts in Israel and opened the door, a crack, to questioning the tactics of this war and if it will really bring the hostages home. Though I don’t know if the Israelis are questioning the efficacy of the airstrikes the way Americans are.       I saw a report that said more than half of Israel’s airstrikes were made with “dumb bombs,” and I’m not a military expert but I assume that means that US critics believe Israel could be using “smarter” bombs that are able to be more carefully targeted and less likely to cause civilian casualties and collateral damage. If that’s true, I want to know why the IDF has chosen the strategy they’ve chosen. If they are capable of limiting collateral damage, why wouldn’t they do that? If they’re not capable of limiting collateral damage, why are their friends suggesting it’s possible?

            I want to believe that the Israeli military is doing everything possible to limit civilian deaths and injuries, because I see them warning civilians to leave targeted buildings, and setting up safe escape routes, and bringing in humanitarian aid. But then why are whole families dying in Gaza? And journalists? And aid workers? These are my questions, and I don’t have the answers. Part of the problem is that there are no international journalists in Gaza right now. There are Israeli journalists embedded with the IDF and there are Gazan journalists, but none of the images coming out of Gaza show Hamas militants, and certainly don’t show Hamas fighters in the act of fighting. It’s as if they are invisible. And maybe they are, because they are in the tunnels, but the images from this war are incomplete, and the reporting of facts is incomplete and that leaves a lot of people retreating to their safe corners and believing what they want to believe is true, rather than being able to judge for themselves.

            The almost unanimous calls for ceasefire from the United Nations General Assembly, despite the fact that Hamas refuses to return the rest of the hostages and has never stopped sending rockets into Israel, and has been stealing humanitarian aid and preventing the escape of civilians, confuses me. Is the rest of the world ignoring the existence of Hamas and seeing Israel invade Gaza with only civilians as their targets? Because if that’s what people believe, I can understand why they would demand a ceasefire from Israel alone. I just don’t know why the world would believe that.

            With all of the noise in the outside world, our once a week zooms have been a respite. Our tour guide has children serving in the army, and so do most of his left-leaning friends in Israel, and he has grandchildren who could easily have been killed or taken hostage on October 7th, but he remains a progressive, believing in equal rights for Arabs and Israelis, and women and LGBTQ people. But his liberal point of view is informed by his service in the Israeli army and his knowledge of the many peace deals that have been attempted and have fallen apart over the past seventy five years.

            He is as frustrated as we are by the settlers in the West Bank who keep attacking Palestinians, and he is as disillusioned as we are, no, more, by the current government of Israel and its anti-democratic leanings. He, like so many Israelis, has dreamt of peaceful coexistence with the Palestinian people for so long, looking for reliable partners to live side by side with, but they know that that has never been the goal of Hamas or Islamic Jihad.

            So I dutifully set my alarm clock each Saturday night, and try to remember to brush my hair in the morning before logging onto the zoom, and I listen to our Israeli tour guide lead us through the latest events in the news and how Israelis like him are experiencing them on the ground: like the incredible relief of seeing the first hostages come home; and the joy of finally being able to laugh again, even for a moment; and the horror of the IDF accidentally killing three hostages; and the frustration when the hostage negotiations broke down; and the reassurance of knowing that so many Israelis are working together to take care of the evacuees from the north and the south of Israel who had to leave with barely the clothes on their backs amidst rocket fire from Hamas and Hezbollah. 

            Recently, a young college student from our congregation came to the weekly zoom to tell us what it feels like to be a Zionist on campus who is also sympathetic to the pain of the Palestinians. She said that everyone on campus seems to have chosen sides and if you are not completely in one camp or the other it can be very lonely, but she has friends in every group and is doing her best to see the complexity of the disagreements and hold onto her empathy and connection even when those emotions are overwhelming. We were all crying, listening to her, but also feeling really hopeful because her ability to hold on to her own identity and point of view while also respecting and even loving people who disagree with her is a powerful thing.

There’s this funny thing about Israelis where it seems like everyone calls everyone else by their first name, or by their nickname, whether they know each other or not. Everyone is “brother,” and all of the hostages belong to everyone’s families, even when some members of the family, like Bibi, are deeply infuriating and would never be invited to Friday night dinner. And I have to admit that I don’t feel that way about the American Jewish community; we are much more spread out and divided than Israelis, or at least that’s how it feels to me. But I keep looking for ways to connect, and to feel less alone with my grief and fear and confusion over what’s true and what’s possible in the future. My hope is that the large majority of American Jews who both care about Israel and about liberal values can find a way forward, together with non-Jews who care about the same things.

As always, there have been a few articles and videos and songs that have given me hope:

            Identity/Crisis: Believe Israeli Woman https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/identity-crisis/id1500168597?i=1000639057794

                An Interview with a Druze/Israeli Reporter www.israelstory.org/episode/riyad-ali/

      An Arab Israeli survivor of the October 7th attack: https://www.facebook.com/share/yjXk5jQtd33ZWhkA/?mibextid=WC7FNe
            Three Children Released From Hamas Captivity Are Reunited With Their Dog               https://youtu.be/_HqWdRwiv4Y?si=payDYwDNzfQGaHdO
            Matisyahu’s One Day: https://youtu.be/WRmBChQjZPs?si=m4PG---Zhwleg9wI
            Matisyahu’s One Day sung by 3,000 Muslims and Jews in Haifa, 2018: https://youtu.be/ZPBjAfmgC-g?si=GOvgbBNIyqf-jYLg
Ellie, forever in our hearts.

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.

            Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?

Oh, But There’s More

            As if things around here haven’t been dramatic enough, Mom finally went to see a new orthopedist in November, to check on the pain in her left leg, and the new doctor confirmed that the left hip is now at the bone on bone stage and needs to be replaced, like, now.

I keep having flashbacks to two summers ago when Mom had her right hip replaced, and ended up needing a second surgery six weeks later to fix the mistakes of the first surgery, and then had to be hospitalized again a few weeks later when fluid filled her lungs as a result of the two anesthesias. I spent that whole summer feeling like the world was crashing down, and now, after losing two dogs in two months and with Mom going in for surgery again, my existential dread is back in the danger zone.

And then came Covid.

The day before Ellie died, Mom and I went for our yearly Covid shots and quickly forgot about them in our grief. Within a week I had what I thought was a cold, and it made sense to me that I would get sick given how awful I felt at losing Ellie, so I didn’t question it. Though I do remember thinking, huh, this is the first cold I’ve had since before the whole Covid thing started.

When I finally had the energy to go out and do my chores I wore a KN95 face mask, thinking I just didn’t want to spread what was left of my cold. I went to the drug store and did some food shopping, and then I went home to take five naps. The symptoms of the cold (sneezing and coughing and nausea and feeling like my limbs were about to fall off) seemed to be over, but I still thought I should wear my mask when I went to teach the kids, just in case.

I’ve been organizing things around the living room, since Ellie’s death, so when I got home from teaching that day and was too tired to move from the couch, my eye caught on a box of Covid home tests across the room and I thought, huh, maybe I should just check. I don’t know why this thought didn’t occur to me before I went out, but it didn’t. Honestly, I’d taken so many tests over the past few years, each time I had a bad allergy day or heard about someone who’d gotten Covid, and the tests had always been negative, so it just seemed like a science experiment, and a way to use up the leftover home tests now that they were a month or two out of date.

I took the test, and it was positive. So I took another test, and it was positive too. Then Mom took a test and she was positive too, and I felt like shit. I wrote to my boss to let her know I had Covid, expecting her to be in a rage that I’d been so stupid to not think of taking the tests before coming to work, but, of course, she was kind and just asked how I was feeling and what she should teach when she subbed for my class.

I have never missed work since I started this job. It’s a very part time job, so that’s probably not as big of an achievement as it seems, but to me it’s a big deal, because I am often very, very tired and I always impress myself when I get up and out and actually manage to drive safely and even teach. I had on my KN95 mask for the two hours I’d been at school with the kids, and most of my symptoms were already gone, so, fingers crossed, I didn’t get anyone sick. But even knowing all of that, I felt like a mass murderer (I’ve been watching the news a lot, and the way the world seems to think every Jew is killing people just by being Jewish has hit me hard. My father made it clear that, as a female, I was the cause of all evil in the world, and now large swaths of the world seem to think that being born Jewish makes me the cause of all evil too, so…I’m feeling it).

I don’t know where I got Covid from, and the fact that I gave it to Mom, who was already suffering with her hip pain, just sucks. But we spent the next few days at home, rescheduling Mom’s pre-op testing appointments, and hoping for the best.

            And now that we’ve both been feeling better, at least Covid-wise, I’m back to grieving for Ellie, and being consumed by the news about Israel, and worrying about all of the doctors’ appointments coming up, and having nightmares about what will happen during the surgery, and after.

            In normal, and even not so normal times, Mom does everything she can to make things easier for me, often too much. But she won’t be able to help with anything for a while – not cooking or cleaning, certainly not errands and laundry and food shopping; and there’s no dog to help lift my spirits and put things in perspective, and it’s so dark and it’s getting cold and the world is such a scary place and…

I know I’m supposed to be an adult, with all kinds of inner resources and strengths to manage things like this, and I’m doing my best, watching as many Christmas movies as possible to distract myself, and taking each challenge one at a time, but I’m not okay. I want Ellie back and I want Mom to be healthy and I want the war to be over. Now.

The stuffed animals are keeping the dog beds warm.

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.

            Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?

Goodbye, My Ellie

            Ellie died at home early Monday morning, after not eating much the previous day. She had her final bedtime hugs and scratches and then went to get a drink of water and rest by her wee wee pad, and by morning she was gone

A friend suggested that Cricket was getting bored alone in heaven and tapped Ellie on the shoulder, telling her to come sooner. I can believe that of Cricket, and I can believe Ellie would do that for her sister, but she is so deeply missed here on earth.

            It’s hard to find words for the loss of Ellie, on top of the loss of Cricket just two months ago, which has left the apartment so completely dogless. My greatest consolation is that Ellie knew how deeply she was loved, and we know how completely she loved us.

Meeting Ellie
Ellie’s first sleep at home
Ellie’s first complaint
Freedom from the harness
Ellie in therapy
Cricket and Ellie team up
Ellie in the snow
Happy Ellie
Ellie the gardener
Goodbye my Ellie. I will always miss you.

       

Ellie’s Tenth Birthday

            A week after seeing the substitute vet, and being told not to spend more money on tests, we were able to get an appointment with Ellie’s regular vet and he recommended an ultrasound, to see if her distended belly was filled with fluid or with something else; and he confirmed that it was all fluid. He recommended against trying to poke around with needles to empty the fluid, because it could stress her literally to death, and because the fluid would come back in a few days anyway. Instead, he raised her diuretic dose a little bit and sent us home, saying that, like with Cricket, if Ellie doesn’t eat for three or four days, she’s suffering.

            It certainly wasn’t the news we wanted to hear, but it is what we expected, and it was a relief to know for sure what we were dealing with.

            The raised dose of the diuretic helped a little bit, at least enough to allow Ellie to feel hungrier and to enjoy her food again. She especially liked the Chinese food we got for my birthday dinner. Her belly is still full of fluid, and she spends most of her time resting on her side, but her joy in eating is wonderful to see.

“Where are you hiding the Chinese food?”

            When we were looking through her papers recently (which makes it sound like she has her own filing cabinet and a small business to run, but we were just looking for her exact birthday so we could celebrate it with her), we realized that she is turning ten this year, not nine like I thought. There’s a little bit of relief in knowing she’s made it all the way to ten, just like there was relief in seeing Cricket pass the sixteen year mark, but it’s still not enough.

            We didn’t plan anything special for her birthday, because every day she’s still with us feels special and important, and really an act of will on her part. Just seeing her eat, and take all of her medication, and enjoy getting her back scratched, feels like a celebration to me. I’m so grateful that she wants to stay with us for as long as she can, and I’m especially grateful that we’ve been able to have this time with her, after Cricket’s death, to shower her with as much love and attention as she can absorb, so that she knows what it’s like to be the center of everything, at least for a little while. Even Cricket would have wanted that for Ellie, though not as much as she wanted it all for herself.

            Now we’re just going day by day, trying to accept that we won’t have that much more time with her. Her sweet spirit still shines through, even when she’s tired, or worried, or struggling to catch her breath, and we know how lucky we’ve been to have her this long.

            Happy birthday dear sweet Miss Ellie, my beautiful girl!

“I need more chicken, Mommy.”

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.

            Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?

Magic Spells to Try

            A good friend of mine sent me an unexpected early birthday present. She’d posted tons of pictures of her summer trip with her son to Universal Studios in California, but it turns out she left out the picture of the replica of Hermione’s magic wand she bought for me at the Harry Potter store.

            I had no idea this was coming. She’d sent me surprise care packages early in the summer to help me through my second oral surgery, but I’m still not used to this kind of care, so when I opened this package and found the long box with a wand nestled inside, as if it had come directly from Ollivander’s wand shop, I was speechless and struggled even to take it all in..

            My first thought when I finally held the wand in my hand was that I should point it at Ellie’s heart – to heal her. I know it doesn’t work that way, but not so deep inside of me there’s a little girl who wants to believe in magic and really doesn’t want to lose another family member so soon, or ever. My next thought was of how, during my first year teaching synagogue school, I brought the kids pretzel sticks and showed them how to use them as magic wands, as part of a lesson on prayer, as a way to emphasize the power of words to create our reality.

            My next thought was that I really needed to try some spells, not only because I wanted to believe they could work, but to see if I could create some healing ritual, some way to remind myself that I’m really not so alone. I went online and googled “Hermione’s Spells” and found a long list of the spells she’d performed throughout the books and the movies. She had spells to open doors and fill a cup with water and disarm an enemy and freeze someone in place. She used practical spells, like making Harry’s glasses impervious to rain, or creating a fire to cook with, and powerful spells, like confusing enemies or making them forget what they’d just experienced. She used her words to cause harm, and to protect, and even to knit small hats for house elves, but I couldn’t find a spell to heal heartbreak, or anything I could use to stop Ellie from dying, or to bring peace to Israel and the Palestinians. I guess even Hermione wouldn’t presume to have that kind of power.

            I’m pretty sure that Ellie spends a lot of her time, when she’s sitting in front of the bookcase that holds her treats, whispering her own version of the summoning charm, hoping that chicken treats will start to fly directly into her mouth. Maybe if she had her own wand those summoning charms would really work. I wish that for her, and for me. I think we could all use a little more magic in our lives.

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.

            Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?