Cricket has a lot of trouble holding back her need to bark. She believes that the unbarked barks scratch her throat and give her tummyaches. I have mixed feelings about this. Every writing class I’ve taken, every friendship, every moment of psychotherapy, has been another lesson in how to make myself more acceptable to other people. Don’t write this, don’t say that, don’t look, act, be, whatever it is that bothers people today. When I write a first draft that feels out of control (hysterical, melodramatic, angry, raw, unacceptable, etc.) I go back and rewrite until it feels more contained. I think this is what I’m supposed to do. But my unbarked barks keep scratching my throat, and I wonder if Cricket has the better idea.
“I bark therefore I am!”
Except, Cricket’s endless barking annoys me, and I don’t want to annoy people the way Cricket does. I don’t want to be the loud mouth who barks at every leaf. I don’t want to be unseemly or unlikeable, the way Cricket often is. I can think of too many things, right now, that I’m afraid to say, or write, out of fear of the consequences. And then, when I finally can’t keep quiet anymore, it all comes out in an inarticulate rush, because I have no practice, no experience, saying those things in a way other people can hear them.
“Did you just tell people that I am annoying?”
Cricket never tolerates being silenced. And she makes it clear that keeping quiet causes her pain, as if all of the unspoken anger, desire, confusion and pain get stuck inside of her body. I’m pretty sure she could keep some of her thoughts to herself without making herself sick. But she disagrees. I know a lot of people, like Cricket, who could keep a few more of their random barks to themselves. But I also know too many people who keep too much buried inside, when it really needs to be said out loud.
Butterfly is thinking about this.
Sometimes people speak up in order to share their fear or hatred or misery and they don’t care that they are poisoning others. They are not careful with their barks. They have no censor that considers the impact of their words. They think only of their need to get those barks out. And I don’t want to be that person.
Butterfly is very careful with her barks. She uses them to tell me that she’s hungry, or has to go outside, but she waits a long time before using her bark to signal danger, because she’s not sure what’s dangerous and what is just unfamiliar. But I wonder if she is keeping important barks to herself, barks that would reveal things about her that she thinks no one wants to know, or maybe truths that are unbearable, for her.
“I have too much to say, Mommy. I think I will keep it to myself.”
rachelmankowitz 
I think it is true to some that the important barks have to come out. But I am, like you, afraid of some consequences. Cricket is right: it hurts to keep it in. But you are right: it’s easy to hurt others if we don’t think it through. I don’t know what the answer is, but I appreciate this post.
Thank you! I tend to like the questions with multiple and complicated answers. Isn’t it fun?!
More like “fun,” I think. 🙂
I struggle with this too, Rachel. I’m sure lots of us do. Your sweet dogs are soooooo irresistibly cute! Totally love! Have a nice night.
Thank you!
Well said.
Thank you!
A balance of both Cricket and Butterfly would be just perfect. but then again maybe for their own reasons they are both right!
I agree, on both counts.
Thank you for raising the issue of “too many barks” I live in a country where political correctness is the neo fascism that rules the political order. I wish I could migrate to a country where barking is allowed.
Wait, but aren’t you in Australia?
Yes, I live in Australia where freedom of speech is not enshrined in our Constitution. We have tighter freedom of speech laws here than some South American countries.
Wow!
omg! I have one too…so adorable and definitely a one on one attention getter
I call my 3 dogs the Barkleys because they have no filter. I’m not much of a barker, but if I do bark, there’s a bite coming.
Uh oh!
I too struggle with this. Thanks for your interesting way of looking at the subject. The one difference I have felt is with psychotherapy. That is the one place where I was encouraged to voice my thoughts. Maybe I was just lucky 😉
I think this is one of the best things about therapy, that it can teach people that their voice matters and allows them to pracitce using their voice with other people.
Butterfly has my quack quack! I wondered where my duckie quack quack went. I used to squeeze it and it went, “Quack, quack, quack…quack, quack, quack.” See, there was always something that CAUSED it to express itself, and it never held back.
That quack quack has been around for a long time and has never lost her voice. Even with Cricket around. A very strong duck and a role model for all.
It is sad that the one skill we all need is to be able to express our feelings in a way that is respectful of self and others. A colleague of mine, Greg Merrill, developed a course for high school students which we taught for many years. Then, with the advent of more testing and added graduation requirements, the need to communicate effectively was deemed less important. Perhaps I’ll pull out the workbooks Greg wrote and post them on my site. (A good project for a rainy day!)
That is a wonderful idea. I’ve heard a lot of criticism of young people lately, that they are too sensitive or not good at dealing with conflict, and I wonder, how were they supposed to learn those skills if we don’t teach them?
I think it’s a constant struggle to know which “barks” to let out, and which do keep in. The best writing is the most honest, I think. Editing has its place, of course, but I think that is more about not constantly repeating ourselves (think endless barking) or using our writing to hurt others. Everyone has to find their own answer for this one, but my personal opinion is to not be afraid to tell your story.
I agree, both that it is worth doing, and that it is hard to do.
someone once told me Gestalt is the solution for this. I need to figure out what that is.
When you find out, let me know.
Like the other commenters, I really appreciate this post. Too many times, I have “barked” when I likely should have kept my mouth shut; and many, many other times, I have kept it stuffed inside, only to wish later that I’d spoken up. Good on Cricket and Butterfly for being true to themselves 🙂
Even when Cricket isn’t barking, she’s making her feelings known in other ways. I’ve learned a lot of new and meaningful facial expressions just from watching her.
This is a wonderful post, Rachael. It says “it” all. Thank you for writing.
Thank you for reading!
You’re most welcome! (And I agree with the points you make. I, too, hate to “bark” too loudly, but I guess sometimes you have to follow the dogs, follow the pack and bark away.) 🙂
Loved it, Rachael. I think you should keep the barks coming. 😃
Thank you!
Much to think about here.
I had one dog that I taught to use her “inside voice” … most of the time. Sometimes I would be on the computer and Maddy would come up next to me. After a moment I would think I heard the faintest of sounds. It was Maddy in her softest voice doing nothing more than one exaggerated exhalation at a time.
I’ve tried to teach Cricket about using her “inside voice,”it just makes her angry.
A thought provoking post. My own dog Harry rarely barks unless he’s provoked, much like me. I keep many of my thoughts to myself but I’m not afraid to speak my mind when I think strongly about something. He’s actually the noisiest when he’s asleep and most probably dreaming about cats! Then he yelps and growls and quivers, pretty amusing to watch.
Butterfly does that too sometimes, when she’s not snoring.
Can I just cuddle with Cricket and Butterfly? 😘😍
Of course!
😍😋yayy!!
My New Year’s resolution is to remind myself that I don’t have to inject my experience into every conversation I’m having, especially when it’s someone else’s story. Sometimes it’s better to just listen. So I guess you could say I’m trying to be less of a Cricket and more of a Butterfly!
Butterfly is planning to start classes. She has started her training by standing out in the yard and listening to the birds, endlessly.
My cat, Musashi, occasionally Merps. I think he would be happier if he had better ways to say what he felt more often. Kudos to you for understanding your roommates’ needs.
Cricket gets so frustrated sometimes when I’m not understanding her messages, but she’s confident it’s my deficiency rather than hers.
Just bark – I do! Find people who, like Cricket and Butterfly’s pet, put up with the barking, and can translate it.
I love your article, since I deal with people with Aspergers every day, I hear similar stories, but perhaps not as well put as yours!
I visited a group of students last year who had varying degrees of Aspergers and high functioning Autism. They had these group meetings once a week to practice communication skills and learning how to stand up for themselves and just share their thoughts with other people. It made me so jealous! That would have been a great thing for all of the other students to have too.
Different personalities I would say. I had one barker and one not. The barker was a real “fear barker” I love your analogy of barking and people saying too much… perfect
Cricket would like us to believe that she is calm and reasonable with her barks, but she is definitely a fear barker.
There is a lot of discussion in the UK about free speech at the moment, luckily the speech police are not winning. So I say bark away much better than howling at the moon. I love your thought provoking posts.
Thank you so much!
Brilliantly expressed. Such a good comparison. Keep barking!
Thank you!
SQUAAAAAAAAAAWK!
That’s right!
I’m sad to say for many, many years I was a Cricket…barking my bark for all to hear. I felt quite justifed telling everyone what I thought about the way things should be, how people should be treated, about the injustices of the world. Well, you get the idea. It took me many years to learn to bark so others could hear what I was barking about…or sometimes to keep my bark to myself. Now I know sometime silence is golden! 🙂
It’s such a hard thing to figure out, because a lot of people will tell you to keep quiet no matter what you need to say or how you try to say it, and you can’t listen to them. But others have really helpful feedback to offer. How do you know which is which?
Good question! ?
This is a great post. I try to ask myself before I bark, “Is it necessary?” Many times, people just want you to listen. Then they scratch you behind the ears. Woof! (wags tail)
Hey, no one scratches ME behind the ear, and I’m a very good listener! Harrumph.
(licks face softly, wags tail) scritchy, scratchy, Rachel, there you go! (dogsmile)
Thank you! I feel much better now.
I say ‘let ‘er rip!’ No point keeping a lid on a boiling pot, you gotta let the air escape. With time and some practice you’ll feel confident that it’s all perfectly balanced with your audience but if not, isn’t it THEIR problem in how they interpret rather than yours for sharing? Happy barking! ღ
Thank you! Cricket loves your point of view!
Rachel, these are my FAVORITE pics of Cricket and Butterfly ever!! I can feel the love in the pictures…To bark, or not to bark…that is the question for sure. 🙂
Cricket sees no question here. Nope. Bark early and often.
My sister’s dog who I refer to as Sir Barkalot in my posts is a real pain, and not anywhere as cute as Cricket or Butterfly. Maggie is a squeaker, which raises in volume until it’s ear penetrating and she gets her own way. Not good at 5 o’clock in the morning (or earlier) and one of us has to take her out. Barks though? Only when someone comes to the door, which isn’t that often so I guess we’re lucky in that respect. I love the pic of Cricket where she’s accusing you of calling her annoying. The face says it all!
Miss Cricket barks loud and often. She runs to the door at the slightest noise, barking all the way. She is VERY lucky that she is genetically blessed, because with even a drop less cuteness, she would be in trouble.
There’s a fine line between being true to one’s se;f (being who you are and saying what you think without apology) and lack of courtesy to others who may find that person’s remarks bothersome. It’s a choice we all make, whether consciously or sub-consciously, to pipe up or pipe down. It may be less of a choice, as in the case with Cricket, on how we choose to express ourselves.
I’ve always been able to articulate my feelings and opinions in a situation appropriate manner. I’ve always taken that quality in myself for granted and have held others to the same standard. Time and age have tempered my arrogance and I now realize that what I’ve taken for granted is not always easy for some, and maybe not even possible.
When it comes to negative emotions critical feelings I believe if I don’t say “it” I will not think “it” and eventually I will not feel “it”. And through this philosophy I may become a better person, more tolerant, and more at peace. On the other hand sometimes one just needs to let it rip without regard to what others may think. It feels good, it’s a release, and sometimes it’s reassuring to hear ourselves roar.
So I think it’s a fine line and it’s also about choices. But at the end the end of the day – literally, not the expression – it’s not good to have a scratchy throat.
So interesting! I’ve found myself in certain environments where the assumption is that speaking up is easy to do, and if you don’t speak, you must not have anything to say. They don’t mean to leave people behind, they just don’t understand that it is more difficult for other people to say what they need to say.
my friend’s dogs
will consider
being careful
what they bark 🙂
I absolutely love this. Very thought provoking, and very true.
Thank you!
Dogs need a voice too!
Absolutely!
I think Millie is quite like Cricket, whereas Pearl is more like Butterfly. Pearl doesn’t like loud noises and is reluctant to make them herself. Millie, on the other hand, has no filter – no sooner thought than barked. She particularly enjoys the evening gossip session, when all the dogs in our area seem to be outside, barking. If she could knit or sew, I reckon she’d join a stitch’n’bitch club!
Oh my God, what a great idea!!!!!!!!
Wonderful post, Rachel! What a darling sweet bundle of furry love as well 🙂
Thank you!
“Did you just tell people that I am annoying?” HAHAHA, I laughed out loud and am still giggling as I write this. Oh your girls. How I love them. Thank you for sharing snippets of your lives with us. ❤
Cricket gives me that look ALL the time. She is hilarious, but she thinks she is very serious.
Of course, we must take her very seriously. Mustn’t hurt pup’s feelings. 😉
There’s so much truth in this post, Rachel. I hope that it is read by many…
Thank you so much!!!!!!
We all have moments of silence and then after the fact wish we would have spoken up. Life takes a little courage. Sounds like you have that. Keep smiling and laughing.
Thank you!
What a marvellous post!! Absolutely loved it and the parallels between the lives and actions of us and our dogs. Think we could all perhaps learn a thing or two from our furry friends!
Thank you!
Interesting that you’ve been told in writing courses to control what you write. I’ve been told the opposite. Not that your final draft will contain all the stuff that came out, but editing is not for the sake of appearing more acceptable. I do agree that you have to take others’ feelings into account before publishing something that intrudes on their privacy , but no that you should be concerned about being personally more acceptable.
I too was interested in the comment above from Australia. “Politically correct” is such a loaded term.
Sometimes avoiding publishing something that intrudes on another’s privacy is really a way of protecting bad actors from being exposed. We all know people who “have no filter” (look at Donald Trump), but that’s not the same as being honest about the wrongs done to us by others. Turning the other cheek is great, but remember, the law recognizes truth as a complete defense. 🙂
Well, it depends on the context. If you’re writing about wrongs that need to be exposed for the greater good, that’s one thing, but writing about the weaknesses or foibles of family or friends in the service of your own creative talent is a bit different.
My dog Watson is full of fatty tumors and nearing his end. Still cheerful and bright-eyed, he barks now more than ever, often without any discernible explanation. Think I’ll write about this one! Peace, John
I knew an elderly dog (he rode around the neighborhood in his own chariot/baby carriage) who barked his raspy smoker’s bark as often as he could to let people know he was still around and still in charge.
My old dog used to do that – it was annoying, but it made sense at the end when she was going deaf and also a little senile. We certainly were kept aware of her 🙂 Still miss her, several dogs later
It’s a difficult thing, this communication. I think dogs have it ‘licked’ ( 😉 ) if you will because they lack censors that humans have put in place to be more polite or acceptable. Humans also have tension headaches, ulcers, GERD, sour stomachs, and stress. Dogs don’t get those, and I bet it’s because they do let out the toxic barks when they need to be let out. There’s a little meme going around the internet that reads something like this: Let’s be more like our dogs – if we can’t eat it or pee on it, screw it – we’ll walk away!
Cricket’s emotions are already so incendiary, I think if she tried to keep them to herself she’d explode.
In a country where there is supposed to be a freedom of speech there seems to be more and more things people aren’t supposed to say for fear someone will take offense. (I’m not talking about mean things, just simple things people used to say like “Merry Christmas.”) Perhaps the easily offended are the current Crickets of the country who could take a bit more control of their barks since their need to constantly bark about how offended they are over every minor thing restricts the barks of others who might actually have something interesting to say.
Very interesting!
I think sometimes I write because I have things to say that I can’t say out loud. But, that being said, I often don’t come clean in my writing because I’m afraid to offend, afraid to be vulnerable. Thank you Rachel, you always give me lots to think about.
P.S. Cricket and Butterfly are adorable:)
Thank you!
So very true. Your first paragraph resonated with me. Everything I read at the moment tells me to work on my listening skills in order to get others to hear me. I find it hard because I am a good listener anyway what I want to learn is how to speak up lol thank you for writing this post 🙂
Thanks for reading!
Amazing post! You hit the nail on the head with how I feel most of the time. Thank you so much for sharing! 🙂
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!
Those two little ones are such characters! I must admit to putting some of my feelings into my fictional characters – even now I’m (allegedly) mature, I channel some left-over teenage feelings into them. I just don’t admit which feelings, or which characters 😉
And I don’t know how I just managed to get the word ‘characters’ 3 times into one paragraph. Bad writer!
This whole post resonated with me. I had never realised how much I censored my own ‘barks’ until I actually started writing a blog. Writing is new to me and it has made me much more aware of what I am saying and how I am saying it, and the fact that it is really ‘out there’ and there is no taking it back. It’s scary stuff, but if Cricket can do it, so can you . . . and so can I. The more of us barking out there the better.
Cricket likes being a role model. She’s planning to run for president any minute now.