Recently, I’ve been seeing ads for the Michael Jackson movie everywhere and it’s making me angry. I’d noticed his songs making their way back into public spaces over the past few years, but this is another level of normalization. I don’t know if, as a society, we’ve decided that it doesn’t matter if he was a pedophile or not, or if we’ve decided that we don’t believe the victims who came forward, or if we specifically can’t tolerate knowing that boys are just as vulnerable as girls when there’s a predator around. The only argument I’ve heard, over and over again, is that the gifts of this or that famous man or woman are worth more to society than the lives they ruined. We do this a lot, this convenient forgetting. We go through a huge reckoning – after the Holocaust, the civil rights movement, MeToo – and then we get tired of having to be so aware all the time and our hard-won wisdom disappears. The problem is that, for the victims of the abuse, there is no forgetting. And there’s just so much abuse victims can do to heal without the support of society at large, by, at the very least, not celebrating, or electing, known abusers.
I hear too many people espousing therapy as THE answer – meaning, it’s your job, as the victim, to heal yourself; no one else needs to be involved or feel responsible or be inconvenienced by what happened to you. The mental health industry has contributed to this magical thinking even further by espousing short-term manualized therapies: 16 weeks to recover from childhood abuse, six weeks to fix your OCD symptoms, 4 weeks to overcome your addiction to heroin. Done. We even make jokes about people who remain in psychotherapy, or worse, psychoanalysis, for years, as if we believe that still being in therapy after a few years means you are a lost cause or just wasting time. I can promise you that I have worked very hard in therapy, for thirty years or so, and could spend the rest of my life working hard in therapy without fully healing. That’s just how it is. The damage human beings can do to other human beings is deep and lasting and people don’t just “get over it” through willpower or positive thinking or trauma-informed Yoga (sorry Bessel Van Der Kolk). Add to that how hard the work actually is, and how much it can cost, and how difficult it can be to find a good therapist in the first place, and how much shame can be thrown at survivors by the people around them for daring to keep “harping on the past.”
As a society, we don’t have the patience to tolerate lifelong recovery, and yet we are unwilling to recognize the role those unresolved traumas have on our society on a daily basis. We even have a tendency to excuse abusers because they were abused as children, even though most abuse victims would never hurt anyone the way they’ve been hurt, on pain of death. The mantra “Hurt people hurt people” is incomplete and therefore wildly misleading, and yet I’ve heard it parroted by psychologists and social workers and doctors and activists, because people like pithy statements that can fit on a sign. Being hurt as a child is, yes, a necessary precursor to becoming abusive as an adult (and no, I don’t believe that some people are born evil despite having had a perfect childhood), but childhood abuse isn’t enough to create an abuser. More often than not, abuse survivors continue to suffer the effects of the abuse for the rest of their lives, refusing to take it out on anyone else around them, believing they deserve to suffer in silence, and society judges them for their failure to thrive.
In the age of social media, we have become, if possible, even more simplistic in our thinking. We want to believe that Superman is good and Lex Luthor is bad and that’s the whole story, because we don’t want to be bothered with parsing each personality trait and recognize that sometimes the bad guy wins us over by being charming and convincing, and sometimes the good guy gets ignored because he’s boring, or gets some things wrong. We crave certainty. I think this is how we ended up with Donald Trump. When a politician is uncertain or willing to question their own assumptions, we tend to dismiss them in favor of someone who thinks they know everything. No questions. No doubts. We, as a society, are acting like trauma survivors who want to forget the past because it was too painful, but the cost of forgetting is that the abuser continues to create chaos. It’s a culture-wide dissociative disorder that we can’t seem to recognize, let alone heal. But that leaves the actual victims of the abuse to try to heal while their abusers are actively being brought back into the fold. Woody Allen’s daughter had to change her name in order to get some peace, Michael Jackson’s victims have been forgotten again, and even Jeffrey Epstein’s victims have had to fight to be heard over all of the noise about his crimes, as if what was done to them isn’t at the heart of the story.
When it comes to cases like Michael Jackson or Woody Allen or Donald Trump, we have the chance, as a society, to send a message to every victim that we will support and protect them, and that what happened to them could not have happened in the light of day. But when we elect and laud serial abusers and pedophiles and rapists, we are telling their victims, and everyone else, that no one gives a shit about their pain and they are out there on their own.
My latest YouTube deep dive led me into the history of One Direction, the boy band from the UK that took over the world for a while in the 2010’s. I wasn’t paying attention to any of the craziness at the time, not even when Liam Payne died from a fall from a hotel balcony at age 31, overloaded with cocaine, alcohol and antidepressants. I remember hearing about his death in passing, but I didn’t really know who he was or who else was in the band and I just accepted the story that this was inevitable and unpreventable. So, during my deep dive, I was surprised to find out that Liam, in particular, had been really open about how and why he was struggling in the aftermath of his years in the group, and yet no one seemed to know how to help. He spoke eloquently, years before his death, about how he thought young people in the entertainment industry needed to be taken better care of, both protected from predators and offered psychological and emotional supports to help them navigate the bizarre world they’re in. We’ve actually seen a number of documentaries over the past few years about the damage done to young stars, kids who ended up relying on drugs and alcohol to get though their days while adults made millions of dollars off of them. What I haven’t heard, though, is any resulting plan to reckon with these situations and make sure they don’t happen again. No, instead we hear about cases like Liam Payne’s, of young people who had it all and then crashed and burned, as if no one was responsible for the damage except for him. If this is happening to famous kids, right in front of our eyes, just imagine what’s going on in the lives of children who are not famous and don’t have the media following their every move. Why is this okay with us? Why are we still unwilling to know what we know and make societal change to protect children and young adults from the predators around them?
I haven’t seen the Michael Jackson movie, or the Broadway show that’s been in the works for a while now, but I’m sure they both dwell heavily on the abuse he suffered as a child and refuse to hold him responsible for the abuse he perpetrated as an adult. This is how the cycle of abuse gets perpetuated: first we don’t protect the child, then, because we feel guilty for what we didn’t do back then, we allow the abuse to be re-enacted on the next generation, and fail to protect the child victims once again.
Why can’t we do better than this?
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
Cookie-cutter therapies, the self-help industry, and pseudo-science proliferate and make huge profits from vulnerable people who are simply working to heal from their trauma. I had many incidents crop up during my childhood that profoundly traumatized me. I’ve gone through therapy, religious counselling, attended seminars, and read dozens of self-help books. I made measurable progress, yet there are still shadows that lurk beneath the surface that pounce when I least expect them. Some traumas never heal, but we can somehow learn to cope.
We can, but I wish we didn’t have to.
Why can’t we do better than this? Excellent question.
Thank you!
Excellent, thought provoking post.
Thank you!
I feel the same way about Michael Jackson! I’m sick and tired of some abusive people being held accountable while others are held up as pillars of society. The whole Epstein thing has pissed me off because in the push for “the truth,” the survivors have become pawns in a political game.
It’s very frustrating.
Lack of accountability, turning away from what we need to take on and address in a responsible manner, is tearing us down. Not matter who it is, we must hold them — anyone and everyone — accountable. We must do better.
I will not watch the Jackson films, plays, etc. Not going to happen.
Thank you!
So eloquent! I cannot pretend to appreciate the suffering of those that have been abused however I can stand with them and resolutely refuse to support abusers.
Thank you so much!
Such an insightful post. Thanks.
Thank you!
Such an important post and one with which I mostly agree.
I too have seen lots of advertisements for Michael Jackson’s music and I am not watching but I admit to loving his music, as well as his dancing, and I still listen to it. Being in my late 70’s I have many of his CDs. I’ve also seen many changes in society regarding abusers and victims, too numerous to mention here and sadly not all for the better.
Thank you for your thought provoking post. We need to keep reminding ourselves about stuff that others attempt to kick under carpets.
Thank you!
Agree with you completely, and the answer is: money. Some people can make lots of money from Jackson’s music and are playing the long game; let time go by, raise his profile again, let the money roll in. Rewrite history while they are at it. No millionaire who is innocent caves in with settlements. I’ve seen stories of millionaire celebrities genuinely guilty of crimes keeping claimants in litigation for years, wearing them down with legal costs until they cave. The system seems to be set up to protect the fabulously rich.
A similar thing has recently happened with Prince- he’s not guilty of anything like what Jackson was claimed to be, but a nonetheless rather critical documentary of him shot for Netflix has been shelved reportedly by the wishes of Princes Estate for fear of damaging his ‘brand’ and any future sales/marketing/exploitation of his image and music.
Thankyou for you very interesting and thoughtful post. Its a point of view that needs to be heard.
Thank you!
I think the Michael movie might focus more on the music than anything else. There was a mini series about the Jackson 5 in the 90’s with Lawerance Hilton-Jacobs as the ultra abusive Joeseph Jackson.
Well said.
Thank you!
What a thought-provoking read — really appreciate you sharing this
Thank you!
Why can’t we do better is a good question but I’m not sure it’s complete? I think for the most part we, as humans, do a fairly decent job of taking care of our own small circles, but when we zoom out to society as a whole, that empathy and altruism goes out the door. I read that the recent changes to the tax laws that raised the standard tax deduction has led to a decline in people giving to charities which must mean that most people only choose to donate to charity when they get a financial reward for doing so, not because they want to help people they don’t know. I know very few people who agree with giving money to panhandlers. They have a lot of reasons not to do that, but none of them are good (my opinion) and none of them recognize our obligation to give. You mentioned recent documentaries about damage done to young stars and that problem goes back to the 30’s & 40’s and the mistreatment of Hollywood actors and the studios that made money off their abuse. Sadly, I don’t imagine anything will change as far as how victims are recognized and treated by society. We’re too good at your “convenient forgetting”. I think Tzipporah has it right: stay in bed all day!
Unfortunately, for many people the small circles don’t protect them either, which is why we rely on society at large to pick up the slack. I’ve been lucky to meet a lot of people who want to do good, for family and stranger alike, but to make it work we have to create stable structures – like a tax code that rewards giving to charity, for example – to encourage us in the right directions.
I must be living in a bubble, as I never knew about those child-molester accusations against Jackson. But this evil happens everywhere, from the top officials in a church to the politicians to towns where incest runs rampant. Maybe if every molester were put in prison, well, the country might collapse. But so be it!
I was really impressed when Oprah worked to give Michael Jackson’s victims a voice. It was part of an even larger campaign to open the door for male victims of childhood abuse to come forward and feel heard. I don’t know if there’s anyone else who could have had the clout to make that happen, or anyone who is working on this today.
Didn’t know that either…thanks for all the good (or bad, in other ways) info.
I’ve had conversations about this in a different way with friends regarding artists (authors, musicians, painters, etc) that we admire and find out later are horrible in their personal lives. If you continue to purchase their art while they are alive, is that excusing the behavior? Does it make you complicit or in some way adding to the pain and suffering of the victims? What if the artist is dead, like Michael Jackson, the example you’re writing about here? Do I already own a bunch of the music? Should I stop enjoying it? He was abused for his talent as a child and then (forgive me because I don’t know the details – allegedly abused children whose parents brought them to his house as I recall) but he is lightyears away from the horrible man in the WH who has no redeeming qualities and has never produced any art that I know of so that is a false comparison on every level, IMO.
It would be hard to find anyone who matches the current president for Caligula-like traits, but abusing children causes enormous amounts of damage, no matter what else a person has contributed to society. I know lots of people who continue to watch and enjoy Woody Allen movies, even though his art crosses over with his life pretty directly, and many Jews who enjoy Wagner’s operas despite his well-known antisemitism, but for me it’s hard. I grew up to Michael Jackson’s music and had no idea what was happening behind the scenes at the time, but once I knew I couldn’t forget it.
I liked Michael Jackson’s music, because I like music! Behind the scenes is a different matter, and I won’t be watching the movie.
Same.
I could not agree more, Rachel. ❤
Thank you so much!
Well considered and nicely stated Rachel.
Thank you!
Good writing. (And I had just posted my own “Therapy” blog on Sunday. Had a slightly different approach than you.)
And in the news today: Cesar Chavez.
My next Therapy Session is this Thursday.
Yeah, I get it. Your’e right that a person’s personal childhood environment (formative years) should not be an excuse for their adult behavior. Furthermore, that abusers should be held accountable for their abuse. However, our justice system requires STANDING. In other words, you can’t sue people for abusing others – only the victim can. AND, the victim often is so conflicted w/r/t what happened and why, they are reluctant to do so. I find myself in that exact position now, at age 76. I’m am a victim of recent abuse; but can’t bring myself to sue the abuser. It’s complicated. I wish you well. You’re a very good writer and caring person. Yeah, therapy, even good therapy, can’t help everyone. It depends. 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear this, but I understand not wanting to deal with the legal system. Be well.
Thanks, Rachel.
I think i understand your frustration.
Thank you!
Spot on, Rachel. I was talking with my wife about the same things the other night when we saw the trailer for the Michael Jackson movie. I told her it’s incredible that they’re making a movie about him and that we’re normalizing abuse and other terrible things in this country. I think Michael Jackson is one of those artists whose great music was celebrated, but it should stay in the past. There’s no need to keep celebrating him unless his abuse is included in the same conversation to bring awareness. I doubt the movie will include the years of abuse inflicted on those children.
I read an article that said a previous version of the movie included one set of accusations, and portrayed them as a money grab by the victim’s father, so the movie had to be redone after a lawsuit. I’m not sure why people are so willing to disbelieve so many victims, especially given how uncommon it is for male victims to come forward.
Interesting! I didn’t know about the lawsuit. Thank you for that information. I don’t understand it either. Even if it’s just one victim, the police should fully investigate and not dismiss the allegations. I think that’s why there are so many unreported cases.
True justice begins by refusing to let the brilliance of a legacy overshadow the weight of the truth. 🌿🕊️🙏
Here’s hoping for true justice to win out in the end.
Rachel, Thank for this great blog post. I’ve been away from my WordPress blog for a while and subsequently haven’t read yours. Unfortunately we all have this ability to look away from the hurt of the world until something happens to us. Only then does it become real. Although these things seem overwhelming, we need to keep in mind that the media does not have our best interests at heart. It is a money making machine and you only get shown what they want you to know. And what they want you to know is whatever makes them money. So much is hidden in this country because we’re so worried about what the world will think. The victims of abuse become victims of the media if they say anything.
I had a conversation once with another guy about rape. I suggested that along with telling women how to stay safe people should be teaching their boys not to abuse women. You should have seen the look on his face! You’d think I had suggested castration! Women are blamed for the way they look, dress, act, where they go and what they do or say. Men are not blamed for their actions.
I think that things are slowly improving though. Very slowly, but still… Thank you for not being afraid to speak up.
Thank you!
very well said, thank you!
Thank you!
Very well said and important questions – thank you!
Thank you!
Amen. I am so sick of the excuses we give for celebrating the talents of the likes of MJ without any discussion of what he did to innocent children
It is exhausting.