Coming to the end of another school year means it’s time to reassess and plan for next year, but I’m not ready. My thoughts keep swirling and I can’t slow them down enough to make any decisions. I have yet another oral surgery coming up at the end of May (hopefully the last one, but I’m not holding my breath), and I’m exhausted from all of the effort that has gone into trying to get healthier when the only thing that improves, somewhat, are my numbers, rather than how I actually feel.
I have lost most of the weight I need to lose, overall, but there’s still too much fat at my belly, which is specifically dangerous cardiac-health-wise, so I have to keep going, but each time the doctor has raised the dose of Zepbound, my depression has gotten worse and I’ve had to ask the psychiatrist to raise the dose of my antidepressants in response. The GLP-1 drugs are relatively new, so it’s not surprising that some side effects were underreported, but depression seems like a big one to have overlooked. I was warned about the gut issues, but not the dizziness on standing and not the depression, but it feels like I have to keep going anyway.
I’ve been trying my best to look for other ways to raise my serotonin naturally, like singing more each day, or exercising more, but I’ve been so exhausted that even getting the laundry done feels like an insurmountable task. Whenever I get an idea, even a small spark, I write it down, somewhere, in the hopes that the small sparks will add up to something meaningful, someday. I’d love to spend more time singing with other people, and going to classes, and writing more, and spending more time with friends, but I don’t know how to get there. For now.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
It looks like quality time with Tzipporah is pretty good therapy. A canine companion works wonders.
She’s working on it, but I’m a bit of a challenge.
😉
Nice photo of you and Tzipporah, Rachel.
Thank you!
You are welcome. Thank you for visiting my blog.
Great picture! I’m finding the longer days are improving my mood and I am thrilled that the temperatures are still cool. I did not do well in this east coast heat+humidity last summer (my first time living here) so I’m definitely going outside, walking as much as possible and enjoying what I can.
But I hear you on the exhaustion part. I’m trying not to fall asleep as I type this.
We have a few more weeks before sit-by-the-air-conditioner-weather takes over so I hope we both get the chance to take advantage.
Very cute photo of you and Tzipporah. I’m hoping you can rest when the school year ends, Rachel. You have done a lot this year.
Thank you so much!
That’s a nice photo of you and Tzipporah, Rachel. 😊
Thank you!
Congrats on the weight loss, Rachel. Every bit helps.
Thank you!
I admire a positive health journey, good for you! I’ve heard the GLP side effects can be brutal.
Thank you!
Love the photo of you with Tzipporah. The weather looks great too.
Thank you!
Sounds like you’ve accomplished quite a bit in the past year. Keep up the good work and mazel tov!
Thank you!
You ladies look beautiful together!
Thank you!
Great pic!!! Have a wonderful week.
Thank you! You too!
great photo of you and Tzipporah! I hope they or you figure out a balance between medicine benefits and side effects! I’m rooting for you! ❤️
Thank you!
I’m sorry for your struggles. I am glad to see you though. You should do that more often. 🥰
Thank you!
Hi Rachel,
I really appreciate the honesty and courage in your writing. Balancing health challenges, treatments, and the emotional toll they bring is never easy, and the way you keep looking for sparks of joy—through singing, writing, and connecting with others—is inspiring.
Your reflections on online training, creative pursuits, and resilience resonate deeply. It’s clear that even in exhaustion, you’re still finding ways to nurture hope and meaning. I admire that.
I also wanted to say that Yeshiva Girl sounds powerful and thought‑provoking. The themes you explore—faith, family, and identity—are so important, and I’m glad you’re giving voice to them.
Wishing you strength for your upcoming surgery, and may those small sparks you’re collecting continue to grow into something bright and sustaining.
Warm regards, Thabisani
Thank you!
Thanks for writing about your struggles. Too many people silently struggle, and don’t understand how many others are enduring and suffering. You give them a little light by revealing your own efforts.
Still, I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I hope you find success. Meanwhile, persist. Cheers
Thank you so much!
Hope they can find a balance for you Rachel. Lovely picture.
Thank you!
What a lovely picture. I hope Ms. Tzippy helps keep your spirits up.
Thank you!
Rachel, it takes a lot of courage to write and talk about these kinds of things so you deserve a lot of respect for that. You mentioned wanting to spend more time writing, and maybe “Shut Up & Write!” might be something helpful? I haven’t started it yet but it’s supposed to be informal and they have online meetings which is nice.
I’ll look into it. Thank you!
Hi Rachel. I can relate to the belly fat. Nowhere else, just the belly, and when I would try to diet to lose it, I’d lose fat I didn’t need to lose everywhere else and look gaunt. At the risk of sounding like an ad, the Gundry diet really worked for me and for my husband. We got his book and followed it to a T. The first month is the hardest, then the restrictions loosen a bit. But just understanding about lectins has made a big difference. OK, done ranting. Let me know if you try it.
I’ll look into it. Thank you!
The “for now” phrase is important, Rachel. One step at a time. So sorry to hear about the effects of the meds. But it does seem wise to keep going. Best regards.
Thank you!
Medications seem so tricky (seriously tricky) with regard to how they work primarily and then secondly the side effects. I try to take what I’m told to take but also ask questions along the way. I read back some and admire what you have to say about getting better at things in life, macaroni songs (like Tzipporah, waiting for the pasta), and Michael Jackson. I don’t intend to see the Jackson movie and hope it’s not an excuse simply to re-run the songs and try to praise him all over again. Yeah, I struggle with artists or anyone well-known and how their unrepentant attitudes and actions should affect appreciation. But I think we’ve become aware of egregious qualities in certain folk who aim at public adoration who don’t deserve it and that’s that. Be well. And woof to Tzippy (is that right?).
Thank you!
Hiya Rachel,
Been a little bit on checking in with you here and sorry to hear of the exhaustion and some of the travails but you seem to still be working things as best you can and seeing some results too, maybe not exactly what you want, but still positives so congrats there. I can commiserate with ya on some of this as the last number of months have been challenging for me as well and I can relate to the exhaustion and some of those other concerns. But yes, writing down those smallest sparks of ideas can definitely add up and you are still doing what you do here so well, honest, relatable, insightful reflections on you and the world around you. That’s huge for the noggin. Just keep that up and keep taking lovely shots of you and Tz. 🙂
Thank you!
Lovely photo!
Thank you!
Thanks for writing about the weight, GLP-1, and depression. I struggle with the abdominal fat and aassociated risks, meanwhile fat is being celebrated as reclaiming power over body image…
The answers are always complicated; I wish we didn’t live in such a hashtag-based world.
Great photo! Looking forward is always the right direction no moatter how things are going. God bless and rest you.
Thank you!