It’s a summer ritual to have choir rehearsals at the synagogue to prepare for the fall Jewish holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur), but I haven’t been able to get to most of them this year. I went to one rehearsal early in the summer, but then there was surgery and car issues and doggy doctors’ appointments and human doctors’ appointments and on and on. Choir rehearsals are always at eight o’clock at night, so even when I wasn’t sick at home or busy somewhere else, I was just too exhausted to drive out to the synagogue at night, in the heat. I finally got to a rehearsal this week, but the next one will be on the night of my first day back teaching synagogue school, and I don’t know if I’ll be up to it.
I feel torn. I’ve worked so hard over the years to learn the music, and even harder to teach myself how to sing the alto part while the bases and tenors roar behind me. And being in the choir makes me feel like I’m part of the service instead of just following along. But, of all of the things on my schedule right now, choir is the only one I can realistically let go of; I can’t stop going to doctors’ appointments, or driving Mom or the dogs to their doctors’ appointments, and I can’t give up on teaching, both because it’s my only paying job, and because it’s the way I feel most useful in the world.
But, I feel like if I drop choir I’ll be letting people down, and separating myself even more from my community. All summer long I was only able to go to Friday night services online, instead of in person, because I just didn’t have the energy to get dressed again and go out. But while everyone else was there in person, I was just watching whatever parts were visible on screen, and I felt the loss.
My hope is that I’ll be able to get to the rest of the rehearsals, because I don’t want to keep losing things that matter to me, but I also need to be able to give myself a break when things are too hard. I’ve put in so much work to improve my life and my health and I’m hoping it will start to pay off soon. I especially have my fingers crossed that finally getting back into the classroom will bring me enough joy to help me get through everything else.
With all of the chaos going on, I’ve been trying to focus on the things that are working: like revising my lessons plans and getting excited to teach again; and watching Cricket stubbornly insist on staying alive; and watching Ellie thrive on her new heart meds; and reading books and watching TV and listening to the birds. I’m trying to stop and appreciate every good moment that comes along, and not let the not-so-good moments bully the good ones out of the way. But it’s a battle.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my Young Adult novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
Gosh. So relatable and real. Hang in there!
Thank you!
We’re never absolutely certain as to where life will lead us nor when. All we can do is take whatever we can realistically handle and live one day at a time. I like to reserve at least a little time to simply live. I’m sure things will work out for the best.
I hope so. Thank you!
You’ve got a good attitude and a good plan, Rachel. It’s going to work.
I hope so. Thank you!
It’s hard to give up things that help us feel connected, but it’s also important to give ourselves time to just rest. I struggle with that a lot myself, especially with my heavy workload for the past several months. My therapist is pushing me to stop and pay attention to what my body needs instead of focusing on what my brain thinks should be done. If you need to rest instead of making it to 8 PM choir practice that’s hard, but it’s okay. *hugs*
Thank you!
Rachel, your voice is beautiful; try to stay with it (the choir). Beauty will give you strength.
Thank you so much!
You are doing a lot, Rachel, but your body is going to let you know when things get to be too much. Eight pm choir practice might just be ‘too much.’ You tried, you gave it your best, but sometimes you need to let something go. Honestly, after a full day, having to go out for 8pm practice tires me out just thinking about it.
Me too! Thank you!
It sounds like you know how to keep your head above water. Hopefully, the choir will always be there for you when you can better manage everything happening.
I know anything after 5 p.m. is usually not going to happen. It’s too exhausting.
I hope so. Thank you!
Oh my goodness you could never “drop” the singing as if that was even a serious option. I am no religious guy but it seems to me that within all that you have going on that that would be the one saving grace, that one bit of sanity. I have my own versions of singing for sanities sake but you gotta give yourself that. It is reward..
That’s a lovely way to think of it. My Mom agrees with you.
Well ya can’t mess with a “Mom agrees” now can ya? You sing.
Yep!
Do not overdo things. You can always do it another year. Don’t run yourself into the ground.
I will try. Thank you!
Heal yourself now so you will be ready to celebrate the next holiday!
I keep trying!
Singing is so therapeutic – it would be sad to give up. If the synagogue choir is too much, is there perhaps a less demanding local group that meets during the daytime?
Singing really is a special thing.
Delighted to read that last paragraph
Good to see you battle well despite everything
Thank you!
Well it’s important that whatever your decision, its for you. You cannot feel that you are letting others down. If you can try go for it ya know especially if its something you really enjoy at the same time if exhaustion sets in then leave it off the table and return to it when it doesn’t feel so physically demanding. Night time committments are harder as we age. I get up at 5am for my job it is hard to take be involved in art classes between 6:30-9:30 if I am drifing off to sleep at 9:30.
It’s just so hard to know what will make things better and what will make things worse.
I know but you need to listen to your body in regards to potential exhaustion, ya know. You have been overcoming a lot of health issues if you push yourself too hard it could reverse any progress made.
As Allen Saunders and later John Lennon say…Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Life is full of compromise and we must often roll with it. Hope you can continue to fit in what makes you happy Rachel. Allan
Thank you!
Fingers crossed that you are well enough to continue to go to the rehearsal, Rachel.
Thank you!
Take care of yourself, Rachel, so you can take care of those you love. Sending positive vibes your way 🌸
Thank you!
Try to get to choir! Music and singing are healing and aerobic and fun. Call it therapy and make it a priority.
I’m trying! Thank you!
Worship — as I am sure you know — is more than just a matter of singing songs, even reverential ones. You are acting out of love toward all those around you, even at your own expense. This is sacrificial living. There is nothing higher in God’s eyes. ❤ ❤ ❤
It’s a worthwhile battle. Stay positive. Fingers crossed that you are able to keep singing and that being back in the classroom does bring you joy.
Thank you!
Reading your pieces always makes me feel warm inside. There is something so real about the way you write. My heart goes out to you. Life is terribly exhausting, but you are doing your real best to keep things going. Your dogs and your mom and your students know it. Love from the Philippines.
Thank you so much!
A good friend of mine told me one of her mother’s favorite sayings was “I was born tired – and then I had a relapse.”
I totally get it, don’t you?
Totally!
It can be a tough decision to satisfy your own needs when you are responsible for others and making sure you have the energy for them. I hope whatever decisions you make can satisfy all. And wishing everyone at the Cricket Pages home a happy and healthy new year!
Thank you!!!!
Don’t worry about whether you’re letting people down or not. You do what seems best for you. This is a case when you need to think about your own physical and mental health.
Thank you!
“I’m trying to stop and appreciate every good moment that comes along, and not let the not-so-good moments bully the good ones out of the way. But it’s a battle.”
Yep.
I hope you sing this weekend!
I hope so too! Thank you!
Thank you for visiting my blog to lead me to yours, friend! I hope that teaching brings you an abundant amount of joy this year! A little bit of Joy always makes medical problems seem better, doesn’t it?
I hope so! Thank you!
May Jesus bless and strengthen you and give you wisdom on what to embrace – and what to exclude.
I’m here for all the doggie shenanigans! Battles only come to make us stronger sister ❤
Thank you!
Hello there, and how are you, I’m sorry you haven’t been hearing from me,I have been so busy and I don’t even have time for myself…I want you to know that I’m free now and you can write me whenever you want to write..
Where are you,are you married now 🥰??
Your book sounds very cool. I’m going to buy a copy. Once I read it I will leave a review. X
Thank you so much!