Why is it “beautiful” when birds chirp, but when I bark, you get mad at me? When Butterfly runs, Grandma says she’s full of joy, but when I run, you say I’m dragging you, and Grandma uses those bad words.
Mommy, I think you have it all wrong. I think I should bark more, and have more chicken treats (at least more than Butterfly, because she’s shorter than me and she actually likes kibble). I think I should be allowed to grow my hair until it sweeps the ground, and I should be allowed to keep my eye goop, and be able to cover myself in mud and poop if I want to, and you should never be allowed to put me in the bathtub ever again.
I should be able to go out to the backyard and catalog all of the sniffies, even if it takes me all day (squirrels and neighbors and cars and birds are distracting, so it’s not my fault it takes me so long).
I think we should start calling Butterfly “The Cat,” because it would be funny.
I think there should be a rule that whenever one of my humans returns from “away,” they have to stand still so I can sniff where they’ve been, and there will be no changing clothes, or going to the computer, until I’m finished with my investigation.
The beach should be closer to my house, so I can smell rotting fish whenever I want.
The library should have a dog section, with aisles and aisles of smell stories, like little humans get to have picture books. What am I? Illiterate?
I think Grandma should have a warm fluffy coat like mine, so that she never complains again that it’s too cold to take me outside.
I think there should be a slide from the living room window to the yard, so I can go pee whenever I want.
I think it should snow more.
I would like to know why I don’t have my own YouTube channel. I can climb in and out of boxes just as well as any cat!
I think I should never have to beg for people food again. Instead, I should be served my dinner on a plate. But, Butterfly doesn’t mind eating on the floor.
I think we should eat more steak. And cookies. And French fries. And chicken skin. Lots and lots of chicken skin. Every night. Forever.
These are my demands, and Steven Colbert says that anyone who wears a big furry hat is in charge, and I wear a big furry everything, so that means I’m even more in charge than anyone else.