I can’t seem to settle on a writing schedule, or even stick to one particular writing project for more than a few days at a time, and the chaos of that has started to undermine even my blog writing, which is usually my reliable safe space each week. Usually, I know I’ll get a blog post done in time, even if I’m four drafts in and still not sure what I’m trying to say by Friday night. Every once in a while, an essay crashes and burns after weeks of effort, but even then, there’s always been another essay in the pipeline, ready to take its place. But lately, I feel like I’m speeding around in circles, starting and stopping each idea without rhythm or consistency, and losing the feeling of structure and safety the blog has always created for me, no matter what else was going on in my life.
I’ve been spiraling through memoir and fiction, mystery and romance, essays and poems, even English and Hebrew, and nothing feels right, nothing feels like a structure I can rely on to help organize all of the different parts of who I am into one consistent whole.
I remember, years ago, when I took a class in how to teach the twice exceptional child (gifted and autistic were the two exceptions they were looking at, for the most part), and I found a drawing that I loved. Some anonymous teacher had drawn a child (huge, filling the whole page) with a scaffolding on either side where the teacher could climb up and add supports as unobtrusively as possible, and ever since then I’ve imagined this scaffolding around me, helping me stay upright, intervening when I start to lose my way. I can almost see it, like I’m a building constantly under repair, supported and in process to something better.
But lately I’ve been struggling to find the right supports, the right structures and schedules and goals to keep me growing instead of spiraling off into the ether. I know I’ll find it eventually, but these moments, where I’m spinning and spinning and can’t find the ground, and my scaffolding is nowhere to be seen, are really scary.
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Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
Your spirit is so great and your true talents so many that you have trouble focusing and funnelling them into a single limited body on This Side. Remember that you – the real you – is so much more than you (or anyone) can accomplish in a human lifetime.
Relax and be happy. You don’t need to become – because you already are! 🥰
Thank you so much!
Ok 👌
Thanks! I ordered your book it seems really interesting and I’ve been in talks with a publisher as well. Happy to give you some business I will get to it soon!
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It makes sense that after years of consistent writing, you’d hit a season where your usual structures feel a bit shaky. Sometimes this kind of creative chaos is just the messy, uncomfortable phase of building new scaffolding for whatever you’re meant to write next. You’ve built a deeply solid foundation with your blog, even if the rhythm feels off right now. Be gentle with yourself while you find your footing again.
That’s really reassuring. Thank you!
Sometimes aimlessness is telling us to take a time out and become centered. This is normal but frustrating.
I’ve been so overwhelmed with the Jewish high holidays and an upcoming family wedding that I’m really struggling to find the center of anything; and, of course, what’s happening right now feels like it will last forever.
I understand. I hope you find time to take a breather.
My suggestion? Get a copy of Annie Dillard’s book The Writing Life. It’s not long, and it’s not a ‘how to’ book, but it’s the one book that I’ve re-read dozens of times, in part and in whole. It’s immensely encouraging. Here’s just one passage, that seems related to what you’ve written:
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days. It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both hands at sections of time. A schedule is a mock-up of reason and order—willed, faked, and so brought into being; it is a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time; it is a lifeboat on which you find yourself, decades later, still living.”
That’s lovely! Thank you!
You’ll figure it out, Rachel. When it becomes important enough, you’ll do something about it. Meanwhile, your darling little dog is as sweet as ever.
Thank you!
I am so happy to see you hear every week, Rachel. You will find your groove. I have no doubt. ❤️😻
Thank you so much!
You do have a foundation, you just may need a little. break Hmm….what would make you happy if you wrote about it? Or, if that doesn’t sit well, do what so many WordPress-ers do- Throwback Thursday. ;- ) Even if it’s a Saturday, take out an old blog and slightly edit it. Or, like the Bluebird of Bitterness who features cats on her Happy Caturday, how about some pics and stories about your lovely puppies every once in a while?
Good idea! Thank you!
Do you find that this is a cycle? It could be the announcement of another stage of creativity. As Julie said, you have the foundation. Maybe your discomfort is the breaking away from the mooring to allow you to get to another level. That can be terrifying. All the best. Hang in there.
That makes a lot of sense. Fingers crossed!
Hope you feel back on track asap
Thank you!
It’s not surprising you feel this way. So much of the world is missing its supports and structures. Step slowly and carefully and it should help you to find your way.
That’s very helpful. Thank you!
Hope you break through the fog
fingers crossed!
Maybe you don’t need a structure. Birds fly without one. ❤
That’s a lovely image. Thank you!
It’s tough. I just stick to penning silly dog blogs with AI-generated imagery. Dead possums, The Poopocalypse, flea infestations and paeans to Sam Adams beer – that’s my forte.
It really works for you!
I do think you need a non-self-judgmental break to relax and refocus, Rachel. I am also feeling a kind of international malaise due to all the chaos. These are very weird times, and lots of people, including me, are experiencing a lack of focus.
Breathe deeply. A new year begins, yes?
It’s always worth starting over. Thank you!
I wish you all the best in your writing in whatever form it takes!
Thank you so much!
I have found a lot of help with the same issues you have by reading various articles at https://substack.com/@jardinmental Now, back to my writing!
Good luck!
I can definitely relate, although I wasn’t able to identify the issues like you are. I feel like I’m running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Ouch. Too graphic.
Anyway, I felt strangely better after reading your post, as in misery loves company.
Better.
Warmest wishes for solutions
Thank you!!!!!
You are picking up the chaos in the air all around the world, you know you are sensitive. Sometimes when I feel like that I just take a lesson from my cats and fall to stillness for a bit. Doing something like that always has to get past the “so much to do guilties” but I make myself because I’m so much more effective later.
That’s a great idea. Thank you!
I hope it helps. I think from years of following you you can relate to the guilties but it’s worth it.