My plan for the summer included writing the first draft of my mystery novel, finally, after years of thinking about it and plotting it out. Everyone I talked to said it sounded like a great idea, and of course I should pursue it, and it would be so much more fun than all of my other writing ideas, which are, let’s face it, pretty depressing. So, I wrote out my list of open questions about the plot and the characters and who was getting killed and who was doing the killing, and I printed out worksheets with one prompt per page (so it wouldn’t be too overwhelming), and I got through the first few pages and then…nothing. I also bought a few (used) copies of How-to-write-a-mystery books, and I read half of one chapter of one book and then that petered out too. Which is, I guess, my brain’s way of telling me that it’s not the right time for the mystery yet.
But I’m not sure what to work on instead. Most of the summer, and for a long time before that, to be honest, the writing that has come most naturally to me has been memoir essays, for the blog and otherwise, but does that mean I should be writing a memoir? Because I still don’t really believe that I can write a whole memoir, or get it published, and I’ve also been thinking about a bunch of other projects that have been on hold for one reason or another, and I’m asking myself how much memoir and how much fiction is the right balance for me at this moment. How much of my own pain can I tolerate? And how much fiction do I need to infuse into my life to make it bearable? I once had a non-fiction teacher who said that all writing is 80% true and 20% fiction, whether you choose to call it a novel or a memoir, which sounded both jaded and possibly true to me at the time, but then a lot of memoir writers got caught outright lying, so… Honestly, I’ve always believed that full-length memoirs only work when people are writing about suffering and struggles and vulnerability that they have already overcome, and therefore I should write fiction until my life works out, and then I can write a memoir if I really want to. I’ve also never been much of a memoir reader, even when literary memoirs were at the top of the best seller lists, and they say that you should write the book you want to read, which is why I thought I should write a mystery in the first place. So, I’m confused.
My therapist used to tell me that my problem was stubbornness. She believed that I was choosing not to write the kinds of things that would get published, and choosing not to do all of the other things that normal people do – because of my ideals. And I would love to be able to take credit for that, but it’s bullshit. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out academic writing, until I finally had to accept that a PhD thesis would probably kill me. And I took classes in poetry and TV writing and playwriting and fiction and non-fiction and on and on and I tried to figure out what was getting published and how to write it, I just wasn’t successful. So, sitting there in therapy and being told that I was being stubborn, and a perfectionist, when I knew that’s not what was going on, left me feeling like I couldn’t be trusted to know myself, or know anything. If no one believes you are who you say you are, are you still you?
I love writing the blog. I love writing essays, period. I always have. In college, I used to write essays for my teachers, not for credit, just to try out my ideas and process what I was learning in class. But when I sent my essays out to literary magazines, and my short stories and poems and novels, they were rejected over and over again. And I figured, first of all, if I’m going to be rejected, I’d rather it be for something that isn’t 100% me, thank you very much. And second, I can’t really fix who I am to make myself more palatable and marketable, but I can make things up, so better to stick with fiction. Except, I don’t know what to fix in fiction anymore either. I really don’t know what makes one story/novel/memoir/artist successful and another an also-ran.
I’ve been watching the auditions from The Voice Israel on Youtube and most of the people who don’t get a chair to turn, sound (to me) just as talented as most of the people who do. It has so much to do with what each judge can relate to, in that moment, on that day. And that sucks. If I can be just as talented and work just as hard as another writer, but because their stars align and mine don’t, they are successful and I am not – where does that leave me?
And I guess I’m thinking, maybe there is no “right” answer. Maybe there is no type of writing that will automatically be successful, and I’m not stubbornly avoiding the correct path, and I don’t need to browbeat myself into becoming a totally different kind of writer, because it wouldn’t make a difference.
Ideally, I would have a plan going forward. I would work on one project at a time, research the perfect agent/publisher/audience for it, become wildly successful, and then move on to the next one. But my brain doesn’t work that way, and trying to twist myself into shapes that don’t fit me is both really uncomfortable and clearly a waste of time. So, what does that mean? I have no idea. I guess it means that I should write what I’m up to writing, when I’m up to writing it, and ignore as many of the insistent shoulds as I possibly can, except that ignoring those voices in my head is not one of my natural talents either. Basically, I’m getting my writing done, if I’m learning about myself and the world around me and I’m doing the best I can, maybe that is enough for now.
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please check out my novel, Yeshiva Girl, on Amazon. And if you feel called to write a review of the book, on Amazon, or anywhere else, I’d be honored.
Yeshiva Girl is about a Jewish teenager on Long Island, named Isabel, though her father calls her Jezebel. Her father has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his students, which he denies, but Izzy implicitly believes it’s true. As a result of his problems, her father sends her to a co-ed Orthodox yeshiva for tenth grade, out of the blue, and Izzy and her mother can’t figure out how to prevent it. At Yeshiva, though, Izzy finds that religious people are much more complicated than she had expected. Some, like her father, may use religion as a place to hide, but others search for and find comfort, and community, and even enlightenment. The question is, what will Izzy find?
rachelmankowitz 
I notice you have been following me lately, thanks for the follow. Writing mysteries-I just began this book 3 of my trilogy and continued. Some days were good and some as I edit I realize I over spoke and over compensated. Sometimes simplicity is best. Novel 2-“Quest for Absence” is on Amazon and I had the opportunity to bring in my a small town in the mountains close to my heart, Jeffersonville, NY!! I don’t know if I will sell many but it is still a thrill to be published!! Thanks for listening!
Damm, you got a lot of inspiration. I feel like I am back in high school with my cliques again. LOL, good for all the fan bait! From bloggers, go get that agent!!
Congratulations!
Thank you, Rachel. Kind of you!
Here is just a thought, not advice: Let the pressure and deadline rest for a while but continue blogging plus other essay-type writing that strikes your fancy. Weren’t you working on songwriting, too. Maybe your songwriting journey could be one topic to explore. Or, curate and assemble an anthology of some of your blog posts that strike a note. But don’t tell us about it–because telling folks about your plans, shortcircuits the process. Whatever you decide to do, let go and enjoy the process. I’m sure the ingredients and the motivation will help you. We’re all on your side, rooting you on from the sidelines.
I love this! Let go and enjoy the process while we cheer on Rachel. Wonderful!
We know her mental gears will mesh into something awesome.
Thank you so much!
Stubborn? Where do these so-called “professionals” get this stuff?
Just a couple of thoughts, Rachel. Had you considered collating your best blog posts into one or more books, sorted into different topics? And, don’t dismiss self-publishing, which is a perfectly respectable option nowadays. All the best with your writing.
J Jennifer Website and blog https://www.jenniferbarraclough.com
Thank you! I’m starting to think about it, slowly.
I’m doing the best I can, maybe that is enough for now.–I think this is what the therapist wants you to believe. FOR NOW. Heck, no. You are doing the best you can, and that is enough. Don’t be what they want you to be–be you, Rachel. I love what Swabby 429 (above) said–‘We’re all on your side, rooting you on from the sidelines.’ Yes, we are!!
Thank you so much!
You say ‘ideally you would …’ but your brain doesn’t work that way. Spoiler alert 🚨 that’s not how publishing works either (from what I can tell.)
Maybe you should think about getting an agent. You certainly are a very good writer. Writing classes are also good fora to sharpen up your skills.
Most of this year’s rejections have been from agents, sadly.
I love your blog posts. They create their own kind of memoir.
Thank you so much!
I’m tempted to say Ditch your therapist, but that’s a bit extreme I suppose. Living with ourselves is tricky, but it’s what we have.
Thanks for posting this, I hope you have a great week!
Thank you!
Chicken treats are very popular for brain food I understand!
Exactly!
I hope you fired that therapist! The writing game is very dependent on who happens to be in what mood when you send your work. Do you have a literary agent, or are you sending it straight to the publisher? When I was determined to write the Great American Novel back in the day, that was a consistent among published authors; get yourself an agent, otherwise, your submission ends up in what’s called a “slush pile” where it may or may not be read, and when it is, the junior editor (or whoever) is already biased against it because their partner just broke up with them! (whew! talk about a run-on sentence!) I don’t know if this is still the business model for publishing, but I wouldn’t be too discouraged because your story is literally repeated among authors the world over. Sooner or later, someone’s going to like your work well enough to reach out to you. In the meantime, we all enjoy your blog posts!
I hope so! Thank you!!!!
Hi Rachel, another great write! AND the comments are spot on–all good. (You’ve got an audience.) Here is a post of mine that can act as a comment. https://markedwardjabbour.com/2026/03/18/the-infinite-jest-now-more-than-ever/ It concerns my favorite writer – the best imo.
Cheers 🙂
Thank you!
Sadly, much of what is commercially viable, even popular, is tripe. Stay true to yourself, Rachel. ❤
Thank you!
I hope you won’t mind if I add a postscript.
Only you can decide whether or not you are a perfectionist. But perfectionism is not prompted by stubbornness. It is prompted by anxiety.
We may set unrealistically high, unattainable standards for ourselves, if we were taught as children that love and acceptance are conditioned on our performance.
It can be enormously difficult to forego our attempts to attain perfection even as adults, if we believe anything less will cause us to be rejected. That is not stubbornness.
Overthinking is something we humans do a lot… I’ve always believed that the right thing will come when it’s meant to – most often very easily. So, if it doesn’t come that probably means it’s not the right thing – until it is!
I hope you’re right!
Write your heart. God will never let you go wrong. God bless.
Thank you!
Overthinking could be an issue. Establish hours for writing and write. Every day.
“That’s bullshit” cracked me up…and is right on the money! You have to be you, like Frankie used to sing. You can’t be nobody else. I wish I could give you better/more advice…but I think you’ll just have to figure it out yourself. I am sure that not just I but all your readers wish you only the best, including a best seller.
Thank you so much!
You do write so well here. Your voice is honest and effective. I guess I’m thinking your own experiences and your insights about them would be relevant and illuminating (as they are). I got a copy of your novel, by the way, and then mold got into everything and I can’t keep my library. (Landlord takes no responsibility for the problem in the whole building.) So when I’ve moved–when I’ve found a place to move to–I’ll get another copy. Goodness, that sounds like the dog ate my homework. (Do you think Tzipporah would eat your thesis?) So I need to learn more about your fictive voice, but if it’s as unique and also relatable as your nonfiction narrative writing, then I agree it is not the easiest of choices which to invest in.
Thank you so much!
You’re enough, Rachel. Your essays are enough. Your voice is enough. 🫶🫶🫶🫶 Stop listening to the shoulds and listen to what your heart actually wants to write. That’s where the magic lives. 🙏
Love & Hugs
Khadija 💕🤗
Thank you!
For a book title Iike The Mystery of Why I didn’t Write a Mystery This Summer
Ha!
😂 LOL 😂 couldn’t resist
Do you have a Mystery started?
Yes, but not fully plotted.
Good but it sounds like you are the type of writer that plots fully first before writing, me I may write only for fun I write and plot as I go tried plotted fully but got further in my writing as I did the plots and story lines as I go and while not all my ideas made it to paper some did and things worked out or seemed to
“If no one believes you are who you say you are, are you still you?”
And there’s a great pitch for a mystery story.
This is just a thought and not meant to offend (so I hope it doesn’t?), but I think you’re overthinking everything and the overthinking is preventing you from doing. Therapists don’t matter, classes don’t matter, what might get published or what might sell doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re a writer (and I think this goes for anyone who is a writer or wants to be a writer) so just write. I don’t know what your writing schedule is, but I would challenge you to take 30 seconds before you start to write and look around your room, your apartment, outside, and focus on one thing, anything, and sit down and write with no forethought or planning or outlining ~500 words on that one thing. Name it, save it, and put it away because you never have to look at it again unless you want to. The goal of the exercise is just to get out of your head and away from intellectualizing and thinking and to free you to simply write for a short period of time just for fun. To maybe make yourself smile. And isn’t that the bottom line in all of this: fun? I think you already have the answer you’re looking for when you say, “maybe there is no “right” answer”. Now you just have to believe yourself and accept that. If there’s no “right” answer then it’s impossible to be “wrong” so just sit and write and have fun. If what you write sells, great. If what you write gets rejected, great. If what you write goes into the Recycle Bin, great. In the end, you yourself are really much greater than something you write.
(And being stubborn or being a perfectionist isn’t necessarily a bad thing!)
Sorry for rambling…
Thank you!
My writing style is also essays and I was unable to start my memoir until the lightbulb went off and said – write your book in essays! and that is exactly what I did!
That’s a really good idea!